#ThatAwkwardMomentWhen: You discover the hard way that nobody messes with the Jesus

oh goodness do I love this movie, and it's not only one of my favorite quotes from it BUT completely describes my day. As usual, I thought I had a plan, but life took over and well ... I'm kinda glad it did. 

Here's the song that goes with the post ... 

The dating detox I did in January truly turned out to be a turning point. I finally stopped serial dating, and finally stopped "seeking." I've been so focused for so long on GENUINELY looking for someone that I needed to just slow my roll and figure out what I had to offer a dude. Sure, I gotz the big ol' noggin that serves a purpose, and major major cred in LA for being known on the interwebz but that's all professional. I complained that dudes wanted me just so I'd give them advice on their businesses, but was I happy with my appearance? Was I taking care of myself emotionally, physically, and loving to myself? 

The answer of course to all of the above was no. I then gave myself a series of "next doable actions" since in zen they give you something to do solely so you focus so much on it that it gives room for the spirit to move in and help get the message through. 

I finished the detox and fortunately wound up getting very busy with work. If I allow myself, I could very honestly work every second of every day. Between writing, running the business behind the scenes, meetings in general, and other projects I am now involved in, I have ZERO problem occupying my time. The problem that I learned with that though last year, is that I will never be fulfilled as a person until I find balance. I can't just feel successful as a person without understanding who I was at my core. 

My core nags me on a semi-regular basis that I need to "settle down." Like I've said, I have a few more professional goals, but the MAJORITY of my 5 year plan is all about finding my partner in crime and popping out however many babies I can from my belly. It's strange that even a few years ago, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids. Yes, I was a nanny, worked at a day camp growing up, and a day care (kids LOVE me) but I just assumed I was more of a business person than family chica. I thought maternal instincts were TOTAL bullshit, but mark.my.word. you get to your later 20s and your womb starts SHOUTING at you on an animalistic level ... GIVE ME BABYYYYY!!! You know you want it!!!!!! My friends make fun of me for cooing at kids when I see them on the street. 

Really? Again Jen, they say. 

Oh evolution, you are quite awesome. 

The only problem with getting to "that" place is that it's something that I can't control. I've dated half of Los Angeles and became extremely aware, but even turning it into a numbers game didn't work. My only option was to focus on the detox and focus on self. Knowing that inner child work was going to be part of that package, I was a bit hesitant. 

Knowing that my life depended on it though, I decided to focus and just figure this the fuck out. 

Yes, I'm scared. 

Yes, this is going to be uncomfortable. 

But LIKE ENERGY ATTRACTS!!!! How was I ever going to meet what I would label "a good guy" (I have extremely high standards) until I became whole myself. 

The process over the last few weeks has been maddening. I catch myself crying randomly all over the place as I am feeling vulnerable for the first time in my adult life. Being vulnerable as a child taught me that I was going to be attacked either verbally or physically. I quickly learned to compartmentalize all of my emotions to appear "stronger" than whomever came at me, and even learned how to box when I was being stalked physically. (Hence also why I didn't even bat an eye at pulling the knife on that dude when he broke into my parent's condo. You just "know" how to be prepared.) 

I say all of that to sound tough, but I was scared shitless. I was a very very scared child. Scared of my own shadow, scared of literally anyone that got close to me (since it was friends, family, and even the family doctor) that harmed me. It was a learned behavior to stop being so shy and become acquaintances with as many people as I could to appease the extrovert inside of me. (Sound familiar with what I did with this brand? COPING MECHANISM!!) 

To allow myself now, at 28, to be INSANELY authentic and ARTICULATE everything that I want is ... insane. I don't know how to do this!!! I'm very very good at doing it in business, but in my personal life? I go from working to working out to passing out. That's my life and that's what I do. To now talk to friends, and I mean ... really .... talk to my friends about things is a jolt to my system.

I feel so awkward now relishing in all this honesty. My instincts have taught me that the second I feel exposed to just hide, and that's no longer an option. 

I'm here. I'm present. And I'm ready for more. 

Saturday night, I went out to Silverlake for The Modern Day Shaman's birthday. 

I'm always SO thankful when I get to spend time with him, and even MORE thankful for all the incredible work he has helped me through. 

He didn't bat an eye at reaching out to me after he read the 103 dates in 9 months two years ago. We spent a year working together, and I genuinely, genuinely, wouldn't be the person I am today if it hadn't been for him. 

Big fan ... huge fan of his, and will embrace the karma credits knowing that I will make sure he is taken care of BIG time in the near future. 

I met all of his friends, whom were quite lovely, but by 12 was exhausted and ready to head back home. 

I went back to the valet to get my car, and the guy I handed the card to asked me if I was married. 

Are you with someone, he asked candidly? 

Yes, I said I have friends here. 

No, he quickly replied back. I mean, are you married? 

I shook my head no saying I am focusing on self. 

Self? he said. So you're single? 

Yes, I replied back. 

He then ran to get my beetle and came back opening my door. 

I want to marry you, he said pretending to get down on one knee. 

I gave him a few extra dollars as a tip and thanked him for the smile. 

I closed my door and laughed. I get proposed to randomly on the street at LEAST once every few weeks now. I'm no DOUBT sending out "that energy" but I still need to focus on more of what I offer to the equation. 

Like any relationship, partnership, merging of any kind ... it's never going to fix you. I do KNOW that relationships can help you become a better person, but you have to understand what your value is and also be whole yourself. 

No man should EVER complete you, but they should compliment you.

The part in all of this that frustrates me however, is understanding when all of this is done. There's a Japanese proverb that I've always responded to saying, "before enlightenment chop wood carry water, after enlightenment chop wood carry water." You can know everything and nothing and you STILL have to go through the day to day. 

The only thing that I think makes sense in this process is understanding that while you are on the path, if your intentions are genuinely true of course, you may find someone. Love is SUUUCCHHHH a beautiful thing, and works in CRAZY AWESOME ways ... and I have to have to have to believe all of this is going to be worth it someday. It already has meant the WORLD to me, but when does someone come along to share it with? 

I came home and went to bed, deciding to sleep in until almost noon. My sleep was interrupted ALL last night with this strange excitement and anticipation that this vulnerability and authenticity was "actually" a good thing. 

I'm becoming a much more warmer person, I thought. I'm reverting back to who I am at my core and that loving little girl that fed ducks, drove her boat, picked blueberries, and wrote until her hand hurt in her journal. 

I finally dragged myself out of bed and started up my Macbook Pro Retina. 

While I waited I updated my Facebook status ... 

<tangent> I've never been a religious person. I've ALWAYS been spiritual and always felt "connected" in that regard, but when it comes to organized religion? I've never bought into it. In fact, I vividly remember being 7 and asking my parents who wrote the bible?

What do you mean who wrote the bible? asked my parents. 

Who wrote it? Like wrote it wrote it? I pressed. 

God wrote the bible, said my father. 

But god lives up there, I said pointing to the clouds. How did we get it here? 

Well, he said, it's the word of god spoken through man. 

Kinda grasping what he was saying, I continued, so it's like the game of Telephone? 

21 years later and my parents still don't have an answer to that question. They've actually stopped going to church as well, but it just never made sense to me. I have NOOOOO problem with anyone that believes in it - in fact, more power to ya!! If you have something you believe in, and something that makes sense to you, AWESOME!!! For me though, it's always been an energetic thing. Never structured. </tangent> 

I then went back to my computer, sitting down at my desk. 

AHH, I said, ready to spend the day writing finishing up my book proposal. 

As I entered in my password, I noticed the computer freezing slightly. 

Before the thought fully processed though, this grey screen populated telling me the computer needed to reset. 

Weird, I thought, but I gave it some breathing room deciding to grab a glass of diet coke while I waited.

I came back to the computer and saw that it had shut down. 

I tried to reboot it and instead of it starting up I heard 3 really loud beeps. 

NOOOOOOO!!!!! I thought, not thinking but KNOWING this was not good. 

I then waited for the battery to fully drain and reached out to some of my tech peeps. 

I had done my own google research, of course, but it seemed indicative of it being a RAM issue, and my macbook retina is the new one that has everything soddered in. Even if that is the problem, I'm kinda fucked. 

I laughed thinking back to my Facebook status. 

I guess zombie Jesus heard me and didn't like what I had to say. 

Zombie Jesus: 1 Jen Friel: 0 

After being unsuccessful at reaching some friends, I decided to just find an open mac shop in Hollywood and figure it out for myself. 

I took it to one on Santa Monica, and was instructed to just take it into the Apple store. 

It's under warranty he said, if we touch it it could void that.

No problemo! I said getting back in my car and driving over to the Grove. 

I knew at this point it was going to be a polarizing situation. Either The Grove was going to be dead because of Easter Sunday, or INSANELY busy. 

Guess which one it was?!??! 

My love of crowds caused a lot of anxiety, but I sucked it up finally getting to the Genius Bar. 

Do you have an appointment? Asked the guy. 

No, I said. This emergency just occurred and I wanted to press my luck. 

He then told me they were slammed but if I came back around 4 he might be able to get someone to see me. 

GREAT, I said. Thanks so so much!!! 

I then left the Apple store, looking down at my watch and realizing I have an hour to kill. 

To further the "self love," I decided to pick up another pair of jeans. 

I bought some from MadeWell last month and they are AMAZING!!!! See, I have a booty and long legs. It's not always easy to find a pair of jeans for someone like me. 

I walk into the denim bar (so many "bars" in Los Angeles!!) in the back, and spot the pair I wanted. 

YES!! I thought holding them up. 

The price tag wasn't too great, but again, self care and I NEVVEERR buy things for myself. Everything is ALWAYS a sponsorship so to say yes, I want this, was a loving gesture to myself. I work hard damnit, I need to ENJOY myself. 

I step over to the right and almost hit the woman in front of me. 

She then turns around and I notice it's Tegan from Tegan and Sara. 

I'm a huge ... HUGE ... HUUUGGGEEEEEEEE Tegan and Sara fan. 

Closer is not only one of my favorite songs, but has genuinely helped me through this "new chapter" I've been experiencing this past year. 

I even have a new chapter playlist on spotify FTR!!! 

In LA you see celebs morning, noon, and night while I GREATLY respect people's privacy to see one of your FAVORITE artists IN PERSON ... RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU ... WHILE their song is your ABSOLLUUTTEEE favorite is a super powerful thing. 

Trying to keep cool, but express excitement, I walked over. 

I whisper to not draw attention ... 

I just wanted to say I'm a very big fan and looking forward to Coachella very much. 

<tangent> Tegan and Sara are performing at Coachella and JBL was AMAZINNNGGGGG enough to offer up not only this INSANE VIP experience but tickets to the show, hotel, private parties ... BEYOND amazing. I'm insanely, insanely grateful and TEGAN AND SARA ARE WHO I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST!!! </tangent> 

She smiled graciously, as she said thanks so much for listening. 

Her kindness made me love her even more, and made me want to put her in my pocket THAT MUCH MORE, only I couldn't because that's called kidnapping. 

Stupid laws. 

Whatever. 

I wound up not getting the jeans since they didn't have the wash that I wanted, but my inner child was quite pleased not only having been listened to, but because I got to FREAAKKKK OUTTTTT on the inside about seeing someone I'm so INSANELY obsessed with!!! 

I then went back to the Genius Bar sometime later, and found out that my baby needed to stay overnight for a repair. 

It's the logic board, he said.

Will she be okay, I asked genuinely concerned. 

3-5 days he said, asking me to fill out the acceptance of Apple Care's coverage on his iPhone. 

You know, it's funny, I say. An hour before this went caput I posted on Facebook and tweeted that Jesus should have known it's pics or it didn't happen. Zombie Jesus: 1 Me: 0. 

I looked up feeling proud of my insanely weird humor. He looked back disgusted, non-emotional, and overall ... unamused. 

3-5 days. Do you need validation? 

Yes, I thought and not because of the parking, but rather for my humor. 

Not even a SMIRK?!?! Pretend smile?!?! SOMETHING!?!?!? 

Fail, Friel. Fail. 

I then went home and popped on over to a spin class. 

I bumped into my buddy Christy (who had texted me prior asking which class I was going to. Christy was the one that got me such a great deal at my gym in general. She knew a dude who gave me a rate and ... yeah). 

I had seen Christy the day before, but had only caught up with what she had been up to. It was now my turn. 

Besides spinning, she said, which you are clearly very passionate about - what's been going on? 

I'm great! I said. I'm at a place where I'm wondering now what's next. 

What do you mean? she asked. 

I'm good at what I do, but it's not who I am. I want to get married and I want to pop babies out of my belly. That's why I spin so much. Less to do with the activity more to do with the disconnect it provides. 

I get it, she said. 

I then told her about the charity I am working with and how I want to devote a certain amount of my time moving forward to philanthropic ventures. 

Outside of finishing my book, and whatever they need from me on the TV side of things - I'm good. I can build things, connect people, and make money. But what does it all mean at the end of the day? What am I REALLY doing? 

Class was then interrupted by one of the managers saying that they apologize but they thought they had cancelled the class. 

Due to the holiday, we assumed this class would be cancelled. We apologize for the inconvenience and can offer everyone a coupon to the Asian buffet place, he said very very excited. 

Christy laughed, that's pretty much the opposite of a thousand calorie workout. 

I laughed agreeing, asking her if she wanted to grab a coffee. 

No, I'm good she said. Just going to go for a quick hike. 

We then high fived as I bopped back home grateful for the extra hour and a half. 

Furthering the self care, I then did laundry, cleaned my room, and took care of things I claim "I have no time for." 

I have only my backup computer (which is a macbook and not my SUPER PRETTY MACBOOK PRO RETINA!!!), phone battery is almost dead. I guess I did get a tech disconnect today. 

I then made myself my favorite dinner from childhood, and waited for my buddy Hermione to come over to discuss a proposal we are presenting tomorrow. 

As she sat down on the couch a few hours later, we first caught up on personal sch-tuff. 

I want to settle down, I told her. I've been over this for almost a year, but now I'm like BEYOND over it. It doesn't feed my soul the same way it used to. 

She understood, as she is in a similar position. We are equally insane, and equally enjoy having the MOST amount of fun in ANY moment at ANY time. 

<tangent> Hermione was also the chickadee that was in Branson's hot tub which caused the break up of Harry Styles and Taylor Swift "allegedly." 

Despite what may be read about her via a google search she is an EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY great girl, OFF THE CHARTS smart, and a VERY hard worker. You have to be very prudent who you work with in tech as everything is a very small world, and your reputation is everything - this girl knows her shit AND has a fun time doing it!! 

Wait, that was kinda gross. K, moving on ... 

</tangent>

She then told me that not only did IVF go up to the HIGHEST it has ever been financially, but the number one consumer is late 30s white, educated women. 

My 10 year plan (if my 5 year extends without my intended personal goal) is to get IVF. It is ABSOLUTELY without a doubt that now based on not only my own brand building, but other companies I have invested interest in - I am going to be extremely set financially for however long. (And if I can budget with $10 to my name for a year, you KNOW I can make this money work for me.) 

I don't want to hustle for my children though. I want to provide them with a safe, abundant, and loving environment. I obviously don't know what that is going to look like just yet, but I am SUPPEERRR confident I will get to the point where I will figure that part out. 

It was amazing, btw to hear not only my friend and business associate say that so honestly, but to know that she meant it. She really wants to have kids, and I do too!! And we're BOTH not afraid to have careers and pursue it while we still can. That's GREAT!!!!!!!! 

I don't know what anything in my life means right now, but I know I am okay with it. I am doing the self work, showing up for my own life, and doing WHATEVER it is going to take to Miyagi the SHIT out my life and figure this all out.

Besides, worst case scenario is that we're all dead in 60 or so years. Might as well go there with a few stories of things I tried versus regrets of missing out on things I really wanted. 

I. 

Want. 

This. 

Time to go and get it. 

=) 

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnite: You gotta move in the "right" direction!

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

That's right. Enough is enough. Fixating on the past only detracts from your ability to grow into the future. No more #teeswiftin.

Writing my two confessional pieces for TNTML was freeing but also kind of put me into this place of self-loathing. I have become fixated on my past and if I wasn't already over-analytical and cerebral enough, my writing pushed me further in that direction. Mostly I was fixated on what I would write about next. I knew that those first couple pieces were a necessary step but I didn't consider the turning point at which it was time that I forgive and move forward. Basically writing about my future instead of my past i.e. #teeswiftin.

With so much hype around Taylor Swift and the ridiculousness of her winning a Grammy (seriously, what is music coming to?), I unavoidably know things about her like the fact these writes or co-write her own lyrics. And more importantly, that her lyrics hold emotional klout. I can't imagine reliving my saddest moments in such pitiful way. Actually I can. It's what I've been doing with my writing so far. This week I turned things around and started working towards my future. Started on the first leg of really preparing for the tandem10. I started training and everything changed. Every time I put food in my mouth it's a conscious choice to be better and stronger. Every time I go workout, even though the workouts are humbling, I feel successful and happy. With the sun on my face and beach at my feet every day, I have for the first time in a long time remembered what it is like to feel happy again. Not superficially or partially but fully and completely happy. Every day that I get out of my house and fuel my body with good food I feel awesome. Even in the first week I am starting to see small changes in my body. I have posted my before photos on the tandem10 website. Follow me tumblr's!!! 

This is the shift that I have been waiting for. I am excited to be moving forward. In other news I quit the hostel, which has become the most toxic place. The owner abuses his employees and a small amount of the staff aggressively work to make that place miserable for everyone else there. I couldn't be happier to be leaving. While writing my resignation I realized that it has been over TWO YEARS since I had a place that I could call my own. I have been bartering for places to live for so long I didn't realize the effect that it was having on me. I can't wait to be free of that. It is beyond time for it. 

That's all for now!!

Peace and luv friends.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: The unexpected evening (a night at the @playboy mansion)

Every.single.time I go to the Playboy Mansion I obvi go in with some sort of expectation and every.single.time. it ends SO much differently than anticipated. 

"Oh, it's going to be chill ..." flash to going swimming half naked in the grotto. 

After 8 years of going, I wasn't sure what to expect from this party ... but it CERTAINLY wasn't what happened. 

check out that neck!! still red. note to nerds, use a SMALL amount of body paint to test for allergies first. ::cries:: So, I survived my super gnarly allergic reaction to the body paint. My eyes went from dragon lady red, to insanely puffy, to 15 years aged via massive crows feet after applying the hydrocortisone. 

I could not BE any less vain but it was hella freaky looking in the mirror and seeing the skin around my eyes look so old. It's going to happen one day, clearly, but at 28 it was quite the sight to see. 

I went to the store, and bought some moisturizing cream, foundation, and decided to just work what I had. I certainly wasn't going to let it stop me from going to the mansion, nor from promoting MessageMe while I was there. 

My social media turned IRL buddy Heather goes to the Playboy parties as well, so she and I decided to go together. 

I'm here, she texted from her Uber. 

Be right down, I texted back as I grabbed my ID and credit card looking at my silk collared shirt, boy shorts, and thigh high leggings outfit wondering where in the hell I was going to put it. 

Pocket. Going to just make the pocket work, I thought. 

I then put the cards, my phone, and keys in the front breast pocket as I opened my front door. 

I make it less than 6" before I hear WOOAHH coming from my neighbor's place. 

(Our doors face each other and they are very, very, close together.) 

Before I even fully process that anyone has even said anything, I notice that he has at LEAST 15 people in his place, and because of where they are all seated at the table, literally EVERYONE was staring at me. 

Hello! I say with a smile and a walk that says ... I'M LEAVING NOW!!! 

<tangent> My neighbor btw thinks I'm the spawn of Satan. I can normally get along with almost EVERY personality type, but this dude is SUCH a dick. He would always yell at my friends when they were over for one reason or another, and when you come at me ... I fight BACK. I've cussed him out NUMEROUS times over the last 2 years (which is ALSO completely against my character), and yeah ... he sucks at life. </tangent> 

I then walk down to the waiting Uber and Heather and I catch up. 

She recently moved up to SF so we honestly only see each other at these parties. 

She then tells me that she's started her own company. 

I'm SUPER proud of her for that. 

It takes serious balls to start your own company. It's insanely scary, but I have COMPLETE faith in you. 

Thank you, she said. And I've been keeping tabs on you. 

I have no idea what you are talking about, I say with a playful wink. 

We then arrive at the shuttle area (Playboy doesn't allow people to "drive up" to the mansion. You pick up a shuttle in Century City and it takes you to the grounds just a few miles away.) and Heather wants to take some pictures since its traditionally quite dark at all the Playboy parties. 

Excuse me, we say to the guys standing in front of us in line. Do you mind taking our photo? 

We then pose, smile and do our thang. 

Thanks so freaking much I say to the guy that used my phone. 

I'm Jen!!! 

He then introduced himself and his friend. 

They were both super cute, and obviously nice so we started to chat. 

Have you guys been to the mansion before? 

No, they both said. 

This is AMAZING!!! You're going to have such a good night, I said. It's SO MUCH FUN the first time you go. 

You've been before? 

8 years strong, baby!!! 

Heather pipes up. Jen is a great tour guide. She can tell you all about Playboy's history and the mansion grounds. 

<tangent> I was actually approached by Playboy a few years back to be their "tech guru." I can't say why or who it was through but because a deal didn't end up in place their requirement for said personality dwindled. Thus, I didn't get it. It doesn't change the fact that I'm INSANELY passionate about the work Hef has done from an equal rights perspective, to even what he's done for women and their sexuality; playmates are goddesses. While I don't agree with how they are branding themselves anymore in the digital space, they are still a powerhouse and at any moment can change a few things around. Big fan of Playboy. I wouldn't ever pose, but I'm very very passionate about what they have done. </tangent> 

We then hopped on the shuttle with our new friends, and even snapped some more photos ... 

After a little more chit chat we got to the grounds and entered through the main hall ... 

After posing for a few more photos, we walked over to the main dance floor area and over to the bar (which everything is paid for) by the grotto. 

On the way past the dance floor though, I saw something I've never seen at any of these parties- someone in a wheelchair. 

Understanding how difficult the grounds are in general to maneuver (since it is all cobblestone, stairs, and uneven pavement) I immediately felt empathetic to how difficult this experience must be for him. (Here I was complaining about not being able to wear spiked heels. Look at that, at least I can work my legs. Talk about perspective.) 

Not wanting to make a scene, and not wanting to fuss over someone just for being in a wheelchair (I've heard from "disabled" friends that they want to just be viewed as everyone else. I HATE that word "disabled" btw. Some of my friends that are yes, physically or mentally handicapped in one way or another have EXCELLED SOOOO AMAZINGLY in other areas of their lives. While I can't speak from a personal experience, they have said that physical incapacitation is all in the mind. They can still do ANYTHING they want to do, it's just all about their state of being mentally.) I just kept on going leading the way with my new friends. 

I then gave the new besties a tour of the grounds focusing on the game room, the mattress room, and the red room and blue room. 

I showed the blown up $5 with the Esquire logo ... 

In 1953 Hef (as he prefers to be called) worked for Esquire as a promotional copywriter. He then asked for a $5 raise and was denied. Instead of accepting defeat, however, he left, raised $8K from various friends, family, and investors starting his own magazine which we now call Playboy. 

Step right this way gentlemen, I said in my best "docentie" sounding voice. 

A few minutes later the tour was complete and the guys thanked me. One of their friends, who was also at the mansion, had texted them at that point and they asked if we wanted to go and meet him.

Sure, I said without even giving it a second thought.

I then forget how the topic came up, but one of the guys started telling me that his friend was here with the wounded vets charity.

My brain IMMEDIATELY connected the dots to the man that I saw earlier in the wheelchair.

Is your friend in a wheelchair? I asked.

Yes, he said. 

I know right where he is. What is his first name?

Dillon, his friend said.

Does he have a good sense of humor?

Oh ABSOLUTELY, he said.

Great, I have something I think he's going to enjoy.

I step ahead of the guys as I guide everyone back to the grotto area, where most of the party was happening.

I see his friend talking to a very gorgeous woman.

I interrupt their conversation.

So, you give me the BEST sex of my life, I say and then you never call me again Dillon? What's UP with that?!

He starts SMILLINNNNGGGGGG from ear to ear with hands down one of the best smiles I have ever seen. So genuine!! 

Wait, who are you? You're GORGEOUS, he said sitting up. 

Staying in character, I say, oh I see how it is. You give me MULTIPLE ORGASMS (I say directly looking at the girl) and you can't even remember my name?!?! 

His friends approach at that point laughing and high fiving him. 

I lean down, hi I'm Jen, I say. I've always wanted to do that. You're a great sport. 

I also introduce myself to the woman and emphasize that this was all in good fun. 

Everyone was chill, but man oh man, I WISH I had a camera on his face in that moment. Sheer joy ... PRICELESS!!!! 

I then get everyone a round of drinks at the bar as we decide to go into the grotto. 

It was pretty packed at that point, and unfortunately because of the uneven grounds it was difficult getting the chair in. 

This is bullshit, I say to the friends. Let's get him in here. 

I then asked some of the people to step back or out as we helped clear a path. 

The guys then grabbed either side of his chair and lifted him into the grotto. 

We snapped some pictures as we had the entire place to ourselves at that point, and Dillon even requested that I be in one. 

Sit on my lap, he said. 

Ahhhh ... but I don't want to hurt you, I said putting my best "spinners" leg muscle to work trying to balance myself on him. 

Out of all the years at the mansion this is HANDS DOWN my favorite grotto photo. What a kind, kind, soul. 

We hung out with the guys for a bit longer, but Dillon being the chick magnet he was, we didn't want to impose. 

Heather and I then bopped around making some new friends. You'd have a one-sie or two-sie be a partial creeper but overall the vibe at the Playboy Mansion is AMAZING! Everyone is there to have a good time, and because everyone is half naked (or fully naked) there's this peaceful and non-threatening element to the environment. 

My outfit, btw, was a HUGE hit. Both men and women commented to me on it. 

Can I see what's underneath said no less than 10 guys. Which is hilarious if you consider there were AT LEAST 20 girls completely naked in eye line at any given moment. 

A handful of women also stopped me by the restroom. 

Look at you, she said showing me to her friends. Your outfit is perfect. Cute, sexy, and classy. Well done. 

I thanked her for the kind words. 

This teaches me so much about people and marketing in general btw. If something is so blatantly just BOOM there, it's uninteresting. Everything is in presentation and packaging. Had I just gone totally naked it wouldn't have been nearly as interesting aesthetically. BUT because I didn't and left a little element of surprise, suddenly what wasn't visible became a commodity. 

::inneresting:: 

Of course that analysis changed by about the third drink, and a trip back to the grotto. 

It's pretty much a faux pas to keep clothing on at that point (and especially since it's so hot in there in general). I walked allllll the way to the back jacuzzi and started relaxing sans the top but keeping the bowtie and my underwear on. (obviously) 

Wow, you have really nice boobs said this guy and girl to me. 

Thanks, I say looking down. 

You're a C? she asked. 

HA, I say. I don't think so. Last time I checked I was a B, but meh, who ever knows these things. 

<tangent> I hit puberty super late in life. In high school I was super flat, and barely 5'. It wasn't until I was 18 that I shot up to 5'7 got a rack, and became a woah-man. Because of that though, a lot of things just genuinely don't register. Dudes that date me are more of a "butt" person anyway thanks to the badunkadunk I got going on ... but every.single.time. I hook up with a dude and he sees the goods they will ALWAYS comment on how much bigger my boobs are than they thought. I just don't believe in the whole false advertising. Work what you've got, own it, and move on. Really padded push up bras are uncomfortable and just not my thing. </tangent> 

I then laughed at the life experience of having this very technical boob analysis while in the grotto sometime after midnight. 

A few minutes later I decided it was time to meet back up with everyone and get the shuttle back. I was tired, and didn't want to ride back solo since it will NO DOUBT lead to a series of poor decisions via after hours. 

I caught up with Heather by the bathroom. She was also ready to go. 

Great, I said. Go use the restroom, I'll just be right here. 

At that point, I had put my shirt back on (which was silk and not comfortable wet) and was holding my thigh high socks in my hand. 

I looked to my left and saw a guy sitting down. He was CLEARLY out of his mind wasted. 

Two years ago, at this same party actually, I saw a dude in the same situation and he got dumped off the shuttle and just left there. Obvi it's not Playboy's responsibility to make sure everyone gets home, but the mama hen in me didn't want to see all that go down again and feel partially responsible for being just a descent human being and helping someone out. 

I walk over to him clapping my hands.

DUDE! I shout. 

He looks up, eyes glazed over. 

You have less than 5 minutes until you either completely pass out or they kick you out. Where are your friends? 

He stares at me ... again ... glazed over. 

I see his Droid in his hand. 

I grab it. 

What's the first name of a friend you have here? 

Rick, he says as he leans back and throws up in the bushes. 

I then scroll through his phone and find a "Rick." Hoping this was the same person, I pressed call. 

He answers almost immediately and shouts COME MEET US IN THE CABANA!!! 

I'm not your friend, I say. My name is Jen. 

Realizing at this point, no guy is going to want to leave a cabana to take care of a sick friend ... I decided to use my "womanly" ways to get him some help. 

My name is Jen, I say, and I'm over by the grotto bar. I'm in a silk shirt, white bowtie, and I'm not wearing any pants. Want to party? 

I'm on my way, he said. 

Literally SECONDS later, I see a dude on his phone approach the bar area. I wave. 

Hi, he says grinning from ear to ear. 

Hi, I say. Your friend needs your help and I wasn't sure how to get you here otherwise. I certainly wasn't about to move him.

He starts laughing. 

You just did that? 

Yeah, I said. I'm leaving now, but I couldn't leave him here. They just put people on the shuttle and they get dropped off. I wanted to make sure he found his friends at least. 

He then grabbed both of my shoulders and SUPER seriously said, who are you? The world needs more people like you. 

I started laughing. 

I run a website. I'm sure this story will be on there. 

What is it? 

Instead of giving out my card (which people lose) I ALWAYSSSS grab their phone and just put it directly in their browser. 

I'm Jen Friel, and I assure you, this was selfish wanting to pay back some of my own karma. I live off of it actually. 

How can I give you money? He asks very excited. $1,000 yours. 

I'm working with a charity right now that can definitely use some donations, but other than that I'm very serious when I say I was just doing this to help out someone that clearly needed it.

<tangent> This is also the second time in my life I have been offered that kind of money just for genuinely being a good person and helping someone out at the mansion. I'm saving that story for my book, but I had a car from Ford one trip and gave a guy a ride home. Trippy, trippy story and saved me just as much as I saved him. </tangent> 

He then kissed me on both of my cheeks (a sign of respect) and said thank you. He grabbed my hand again as I walked away, please keep being you. The world needs more people like you. 

I laugh thinking to myself, just don't be an asshole man. Help people out. We're all so afraid to touch one another to either get a disease, be attacked ... anything ... and we forget that touch is something we all need. Race, sexuality, who fucking cares. Help someone that needs it if you're capable and watch the universe gift you back with good karma. Continue to be an asshole and you'll reap what you sow. Period end of sentence. 

I then got back on the shuttle and grabbed an Uber home with Heather. 

The second I got back I popped on the DVR and turned on Shark Tank - which is my version of pornography. 

Good night, good time, good to meet new friends. The night definitely didn't turn out how I expected it to be, but fortunately that was a very very good thing. 

Rock on nerderinos and THANK YOU for all the messages on MessageMe. I'm still trying to bury myself out, but am happy to still send over some of the naughty pictures I can't post. Also, your doodle photos make my life. Send me more ..... please. 

#thatisall

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#LADreamDate: Like big butts? Me too! Why not help save it?

One thing that drives me NUTS in social media is when people ask for money/twitter love for various causes over and over and over. Can you tweet this out for me PLEAASSSEEE!! or Hey, "insert friends name here" only they forgot to remove the insert friends name part. Weeding through your morning social media inboxes is an ABSOLUTE pain the ass. 

Well, I'm here now to be THE pain in the ass for a cause that LITERALLY saves the pain in the ass. 

(see what I did there? huh? huh?) 

Remember a few weeks back I told you the story of my grandfather and how I lost him to colon cancer? 

The event is now just a few days away and we're still seeking donations and tickets to the actual event here in LA on April 5th. 

If you're a fan of The Bachelor, a lot of the former castmates will be there and are available to be auctioned off for dates, and the people working on this event in general are seriously awesome. We've all been working super hard and couldn't be happier to shed some light on a sometimes embarrassing issue. 

I FULLY intend on doing some serious booty shaking at this event, FYI so if you're game ... I'd DEF be down for a spin on that dance floor!!! 

Click here to donate

Click here for info on the event

And now it is time for a solo dance party to this song ... Happy Monday!! 

Bachelor Series Cast Members Lindsay Yenter, AshLee Fraiser, Roberto Martinez and Kiptyn Locke will be auctioned off in a celebrity charity event hosted by the Chris4Life Colon Cancer Foundation.  Over 20 reality stars and Hollywood notables to be auctioned off to raise colon cancer awareness, provide research funds, and support patient treatment programs. 
Co-Chairs for Event: Lisa Ling (the host of the Oprah Winfrey Network show Our America) and her husband/ oncologist Dr. Paul Song.  
Event Emcees:  Julia Allison(Columnist for ELLE.com, star of BRAVO's Miss Advised) and Shira Lazar (Host and Executive Producer of weekly live show What's Trending).
What: 2^nd Annual Chris4Life Celebrity Auction Event

Who: The Chris4Life Colon Cancer Foundation

When:    Friday, April 5, 2013

Where:  SLS Hotel Beverly Hills, 465 S. La Cienga Blvd, Los Angeles, CA

Time:  See evening schedule below

Website:  www.chris4life.org/ladreamdate  

Cost:  $50. All proceeds from the event will benefit the Chris4Life Patient, Treatment & Care Program.  

About:  The highly anticipated second annual event will feature a variety of “star power” from TV personalities, The Bachelor series reality stars, and Hollywood notables - all ready to show their love for their “bottoms” to help raise money for colon cancer patients.   Event attendees will have fun competitively bidding on celebrities for a chance to have a special outing with his or her favorite star (i.e. lunch, dinner, shopping trips, wine tours, excursions, etc).  The idea for this event came from a brainstorming discussion last year between the Executive Director for Chris4Life Michael Sapienza and Michelle Money, a former finalist in ABC’s The Bachelor Pad Season 2 who lost her father to colon cancer.

Have a San Diego Outdoor Adventure w/ The Bachelor's Roberto Martinez & Kiptyn Locke on Charitybuzz

This year, Chris4Life has partnered with popular online “do good” site Charitybuzz to introduce an online component for guest who are unable to event, can still bid on their favorite personalities. Charitybuzz raises funds and awareness for nonprofits around the globe through online auctions with the world’s most recognizable celebrities and brands. Since launching, Charitybuzz has raised more than $75 million for charity. Check out the unique outings: https://www.charitybuzz.com/support/Chris4Life

Auction Line Up

Famous faces up for bidding are:  Lindsay Yenter (Finalist on The Bachelor Season 17), AshLee Frazier (The Bachelor Season 17), Lesley Murphy (The Bachelor Season 17), Roberto Martinez (Winner of The Bachelorette Season 6), Kiptyn Locke (The Bachelorette Season 5 and Bachelor Pad Season 1), Courtney Robertson (Winner of The Bachelor Season 16), Michelle Money (The Bachelor 15 and Bachelor PadSeason 2), Nick Peterson (The Bachelorette Season 7 and winner of Bachelor Pad 3), Ryan Bowers (The Bachelorette 2012 Season 8), Selma Alameri (The Bachelor Season 17), Daniella McBride (The Bachelor Season 17), David Krumholtz ("NUMB3RS"), Shawn Christian (Days of Our Lives), Eric Etebari (2 Fast 2 Furious, The Lincoln Lawyer), Ali Cobrin (American Reunion, Showtime's Look), Orianthi Panagaris (Singer/songwriter/ guitarist),Taryn Southern (actress/online personality), Caitlin O'Connor (actress/model), Justine Musk (Author of Blood Angel and Lord of Bones), Josh Crotty (Actor/singer/ drummer), Karen McCullah (Screenwriter, Legally Blonde) and Leslie Bradshaw (Chief Operating Officer at Guide).

Love Your Butt

Chris4Life launched a creatively clever awareness campaign to encourage people to open up and talk about their bottom.  The Love Your Butt campaign is currently running on TV, print, online, public transportation and radio across various markets across the country. www.loveyourbutt.org.  Colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the country, with over 145,000 new cases diagnosed this year with over 50,000 lives lost due to the disease.

Evening Schedule:

7:00PM - Press Check In 

7:30PM - 8:30PM - Arrivals

8:00PM – Cocktails/Entertainment

9:00PM-10:00PM – Welcome Remarks/Announcements/Auction

11:00PM – Event Ends

#nerdsunite

Oh yeah and ... 

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#NerdsUnite: Allowing the dust to settle on "settling"

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

If you had talked to me at the end of last year you may have found me slightly defeated. I had only recently turned 31 and at my age I was under a safe assumption I would have to choose settling in the love department for whomever fancied me next. I felt like the time for being picky and looking for what I really wanted in a girl was becoming folly. I know 31 isn’t old. In this town where the population constantly turns over with new 18 - 22 year olds, it’s ancient. The places made for a few generations older than the norm have a population of people much the same as me. Trying out the other elder youth in the area hoping to find someone that fits the bill and you can settle for. With only a handful of bars for us well the pickings are both meager and usually jaded with heartbreak, failed romances, and the baggage of lives that blossomed and then fell victim to the short love affairs that we can get so wrapped up in our youth. Add to that the wonderful ideal of the person you are hoping to find having already dated a friend of yours which is so often the case. You settle because being alone is something you accept, but not something you want.

So when I found myself falling for a new girl and it was finally one that was falling for me as well; I placed a small amount of hope that even if it doesn’t feel fully right, even if I am not super happy with who it is I have found myself with... well I’ll just suck it up and settle because in this town you just don’t know what else may come along. I realize it’s a dark feeling to have and one I’m sure many others have shared as short term love affairs have bloomed and faded year in and year out. See I have always fought hard to get the girls I wanted to be with. No matter how broken or crazy they may have been. I accept anyone with any past because that past made them just who they are now. Still their issues would loom and that darkness would encase their hearts leaving not a light to be let through. Certainly not my heart. Try as they might: they would all tell me they wished they could fall in love with me, but something was holding them back.

So enter my most recent romance. While it is still in its infancy the progression isn’t a grind, I’m not having to fight to hold on to her, and I am not feeling run dry with misconceptions and doubt. I am happy and that to me is altogether something scary. It’s not something I have really ever had to deal with. I mean in life I am generally happy, but in love rarely have I been just content. The girl I assumed I would be settling for surprised me. To such a degree I wasn’t ready for the reality of the situation. I have found myself with a girl that seems to fit like a puzzle piece. Her corners are cut to mold into me almost flawlessly. Of course there are issues, there will always be issues, or else it would be too easy and in that regard boring. I hate boring. So does she. The more I get to know about her, the more she seems to align herself with a list I had created of things I would absolutely love in a girl. More to the point I have found that I am not settling at all. I’m not just giving up because this, “could” work. I am excited because this, “is” working. I am invigorated with the passion we are equally giving each other, with the independence we have allowed each other to have, and with the drive to keep each of our friends so we don’t become that couple that drops off the face of the earth into each other. What I have found seems to be the right path and I haven’t put on rose tinted glasses to secure my belief in this. I was highly skeptical of the whole situation. As anyone at my age would be. I had my own baggage that poisoned me with doubt in that what I was finding was reality.

That poison has found an antidote and slowly I am being healed. Ages of could bes, and what ifs, which I had only recently laid to rest have been dealt with. She is a partner, an equal party that’s just as quirky and crazy as I am. We have so many differences that I have loved getting to know. In that we each bring something to the table. We aren’t the same and we aren’t so different. It’s the Goldilocks of love. While some in the past were too crazy, too jealous, too broke, too closed off... this one is feeling just right. I’m sure we’ll have our fair share of mountains to climb between the two of us, hurdles to jump, and issues to deal with. I just feel like this is one of the first relationships I have been in, that has positive forward momentum.

So as my disbelief fades and my acceptance of happiness seems to take hold. I begin to hope again. Hopes a dangerous thing you know. If keeps you alive in the darkest of times and lets you shine ever brighter in the best of times. I intend to be just the very best that I can be for this girl and make sure to keep the communication alive and well. I intend to see this through with less and less fear of failure and know that just maybe things can be good in life all round. There doesn’t need to be a counter weight of awful to balance out the good in your life. I am very much so looking forward to being both lucky in life and in love. Because settling for the best isn’t settling at all. It’s achieving all the goals you have fought so hard to have. Everyday's an adventure and if you never try you will never know just what could have happened. As Wayne Gretzky said, “You will miss 100% of the shots you never take.” Start taking chances and living life. Regrets are for those that fear moving forward and actually living life.

#nerdsunite

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