#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Missouri)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

I think Megan knew luring me on a mini-golf date was going to be a bit of a challenge. So when she stumbled upon a pirate-themed course — “Pirate’s Cove” — in Branson, Missouri, she piped up (because who ever turns down a themed event? Not me) and within hours I was meeting Jake on the course.

Quiet, unimposing and rather unassuming, Jake was anything but typical for a first date that was going to be filmed. Admittedly, while the men I’ve gone out with have been unique snowflakes, if they were books we were studying in literature class we’d be able to pick out a theme through them all: outgoing.

Taciturn as he was, I decided to just be myself and bounced into Pirate’s Cove Golf to get swinging. Jake was actually good at mini-golf — as in, he could hit below par without effort and seemed very at ease (whereas I clocked my ball into a gurgling creek on my second stroke). He seemed rather happy to let me drive the conversation, though he actively did not want to join me in my favorite part of mini-golf: running around the green pretending I’m the ball and swooping up on inclines and hills.

Our skill differences wound up being the great equalizer between us. I asked for pointers in between my chatter, and he warmed up to talking through the subject of mini-golf technique. Soon we’d moved on from putting and were into the meat of the dating sandwich: past experiences.

Jake proclaimed he was “jaded” about relationships. As it turns out, he’d been married briefly as a young adult and after realizing people change, relationships take work and that marriage is hard, he had decided it was not for him. So instead, Jake has been working on himself for the past few years, making sure people like him for him and not for how he looks or what he has. (He’d grown out his hair Jesus-style and said that before he had a beard and long hair, he’d get hit on a lot, and now was often left alone).

Jake was intriguing — slow to warm up, obviously intelligent, well spoken and very rational — and because I liked him as a human being, I deeply wanted to find his ex-wife and shake her a bit for really changing not just his outlook on life, but his current life trajectory. I don’t think that relationships are necessarily bad, or that finding somebody who will grow with you and accept you as you change is unrealistic. I think that in any partnership, you can demonstrate love, kindness and empathy day in and day out, even when it’s hard.

A lot of guys — my ex included — have taken an emotional bruising from long-term relationships. God, emotional bruising sounds too easy. These men have taken seemingly insurmountable blows to their ability to trust or understand the possible inherent goodness of people. Obviously these aren’t the only two guys in the world who have gone through an experience like this, and there seems to be a void of information for them about how they move forward.

Which makes me wonder … what is the role future girlfriends (or just dates) play for men with these backstories? Did one decent date maybe help Jake feel like there’s hope for him yet? Did a rational relationship with me help my ex feel that maybe it’s possible for him to try trusting someone again? Or is a series required, a set of positive experiences over and over again?

-

*Yes, of course, women have this problem too. But we’re offered books (I Used to Miss Him But My Aim is Improving), movies (He’s Just Not That Into You, Valentine’s Day, Under the Tuscan Sun to name a few) and a social structure of friends that provide tools for getting over it.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

Weird Al Says: #WTF?!

If you do an account search for “homosexual” on Twitter, the 2nd to 5th results are the members of One Direction.

This has been a moment of ... WTF?! 

#Question: Do You Have Jessica Rabbit Syndrome?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Have you ever looked at someone and thought that he/she just looked mean? Or saw a beautiful woman out who looked angry, but after talking to her you realized that she was actually cool? I call that the Jessica Rabbit syndrome. This is about giving everyone a chance and not judging a book by its cover.

Not everyone is clued into the power of a beautiful smile, and some people just have a chronic pissed off looking face.

Jessica Rabbit had an amazing line in the movie, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” She said, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” Some people look pissed or bitchy and they just don’t know it. I see a lot of girls out that can look really intimidating. They are all dressed up, possibly shy and are trying their best to allow themselves to get comfortable. They end up looking a bit bitchy.

I know lots of guys who would be turned off by this or are nervous about talking to them. When I go out, no matter what the situation is, I try to keep an open mind. I try to give everyone the opportunity to surprise me. I try to stay curious about people.

It’s human nature to be judgmental. It has protected us and has allowed us to evolve, but in today’s society it actually hurts us. Writing off a venue or certain groups of people ruins your evening without any real evidence.

If I rolled into a venue and judged everyone on the clothes they were wearing or the music that they were listening to, I would be setting myself up to have a bad time. After all, why not try to enjoy myself if I’m already there?  Sure I have my preferences of music and types of people I dig. When I’m doing my thing, I go to places that are playing my tunes with cool people I like. When I find myself in a new place, I’m going to feel it out and give everyone a chance.

I often hear the words, “This place sucks” and “These people are lame”. That is not setting yourself up for good time. You can’t write off an entire place because you assumed the worst. My attitude when I go out is to give it a chance. How can I have fun in this moment? I wonder if she really is as bitchy as she looks? Let’s go find out.

You’ll be surprised how your assumptions can be wrong. Challenge your thought process. If I end up talking to someone and they really are an asshole, I’ll leave. I’m not sticking around to speak with them.

The next time you catch yourself writing off a situation without much reason, stop yourself and think of reasons to challenge that thought and go experiment. Create new beliefs about people. You do not want to pass up the opportunity to meet a new awesome person.

Don’t let the Jessica Rabbit Syndrome fool you into not saying hello.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#RealDeal: How LOTR's put me in the "Friend Zone" & why it's awesome

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Dan Beil

Having nothing else to do on a Saturday night I found myself catching up on some of Jen's older posts, specifically about her past dates and relationship.  I guess I found myself doing this as I have been recently hanging out (yes...just hangin’) with a specimen of the female variety which I thought may lead to some type of relationship, which in the end didn't (but more on this latter).

I've been single for about 3 years and while reading Jen's posts I was thinking about if I was REALLY happy being a single, almost 30 year old. I'm straight, a 6 or 7 on a hotness scale, college educated, self-employed.  

After thinking about it for a few minutes, the answer I came up with was a very strong YES! 

I really thought my last SERIOUS relationship (the one 3-ish years ago) was 'the one,' though looking back we both made way too many mistakes for it ever to really work. Long story short, she left me, and for about a year my understanding of life simply checked-out, leaving me in a position of existential crisis and pain that only Princess Buttercup learning of Wesley's 'death' could understand.  Having pulled my head out of my ass after putting my life back together, I did the only reasonable and logical thing a man can do...I adopted a dog (Benedict)...he's awesome by the way!

So now a year after having my heart ripped out of my chest Temple of Doom style, I am a proud dog owner, rather successfully freelancing as a front-end web developer, and not dating.  This last part made me sad for a while...not dating?!  What's wrong with me?!  To distract myself I dived head first into my work and taking care of Benedict (as a rescue he needed a lot of attention). This kept me very busy until my work load became more managed and Benedict progressed.  Good...now it's time to start dating again.

Like many of my friends I tried out the big dating web sites for a while.  Having gone on a few 'dates' via an 'online connection' I soon realized this was not for me.  Even though we had gotten all the bullshit small-talk out of the way online, this seemed to be all the two of us could regurgitate to each other (other than random situational shit which didn't cut it for me).  Well I gave it a try...

Maybe I didn't write my profile well enough, maybe all the 'good ones' are already taken, who knows.  This lead me to give blind / online dating the middle finger and I dived back into my work.  This basically sums up year two since 'the big break up.'

Year 3:  Work is good, I have some free time, I kinda have my life together...generally things are good.

Just recently I randomly reconnected via FB with an old college acquaintance.  She had been going out with one of my friends in college and we didn't know each other all that well.  Many years had passed so I figured she was fair game. I always thought she was gorgeous, probably out of my league, but hey why not give it a try!  

Not dating for such a long time, I was kinda intimidated by the notion of hanging out with such an attractive woman.  While chatting through FB I found out she was just as much of a nerd as me (hell, she was a mathlete in high school...no joke!).  Obviously her nerdy-ness only served to add points to the hot-ness scale.  To be fair she is more of a nerd while I am more of a geek, but hey we're cut from the same cloth so give me a break.

Our first hang out in about 8 years was meeting up at a local dog park and playing with Benny.  I was certainly trying to avoid THE FRIEND ZONE at all costs and thought I did pretty well.  We went our different ways after an hour and proceeded to exchange texts over the next few days. The next time we got together we tried to catch a showing of The Hobbit but missed it and ended up see Django Unchained instead (to which we left the theater laughing at the fact the Tarantino must have been yelling 'No no no no – we need more penises!' Then debated if 'peni' should be an acceptable plural version of 'penis'), later we set up a time for her to come over to my place for a 'nerd date.'

This, being 2013, I imagined that everyone in the world has seen all of the LOTR's but to my disbelief she had seen none of them (this of course I learned during our time talking about seeing The Hobbit)! BAM I'm in....I get least 3 more 'dates' / 9 more hours that I get to make a complete fool of myself in front of this girl.

The next week she arrives at my place to watch The Fellowship of The Rings and we start with a little conversation, which went surprisingly natural, non-flirtatious, and generally nice.  At this point I am attracted to this girl and would really like to see what may happen relationship-wise.  She of course sits down on the loveseat AFTER I have sat down on the full size couch – FUCK, I’M IN THE FRIEND ZONE ALREADY ?! - Whatever, I'm gunna watch this movie, chat throughout it, poke fun at it, and see what I can do about this horrible situation.  <LOTR's spoiler alert> If Frodo can destroy The Ring of Power </spoiler alert> I can dig my way out of THE FRIEND ZONE.

She stayed on the opposite side of the couch for the entire movie. (sad face).

The Two Towers went the same with one important difference.  I started to really enjoy our texting in the days between our not-so-tryst-like-meetings and when she arrived at my place I was legitimately interested in what she had to say - not just her T and A assets – I was in THE FRIEND ZONE and didn't mind being there.

I really enjoyed her company, her nerdy jokes (she got a Star Trek red shirt joke!!), and I realized that we would be really good friends.  At some point since our first two- three meetings my definition of her as a sexual target (in the most respectful / academic way) diminished to recognizing that she, while a beautiful woman, would be a good, nay great, friend.

We got together again to watch The Return of The King, and actually sat on the same couch this time (we cooked some soup first and this was a better eating arrangement).  Oddly I discovered more awesome stuff about this girl (namely our mutual love of croutons) but there was certainly no 'spark' between us, and I was perfectly happy with that – I had stumbled into a good friendship which I hope will continue.

I don't think she was ever considering us hanging out as anything romantic, and that's perfectly fine.  When we reconnected on FB I really didn't know much about her other than what I vaguely remembered from years ago so I approached this whole situation having no idea what was gunna happen.  At first I entertained the idea of some type of relationship though quickly found that there was no spark between us.  No spark meant no pressure, which made hanging out, getting to know someone 'new', and generally everything pretty awesome.

Over the past three-ish years I have had every possible feeling concerning the fairer sex and have found myself comfortably, happily, and perfectly content being single.  'Why?' You may ask... well I have also discovered that I am admittedly selfish – I don't enjoy that part in a relationship when you stop being 'me' and become a 'we.'  Losing my identity as an individual is brutal to me.  From a Symbolic Interactionism point of view this probably reveals more about me than anything else, maybe I am self-conscience that 'I' am not good enough, not strong enough, or maybe dog-gone-it people won't like me.  But I have come to terms with that in the following way – I simply don't give a fuck anymore, I am going to live my life as I want, and not be afraid of the 'why aren't you dating' questions at every turn.

I am not actively avoiding dating; I simple don't make it a priority as I am perfectly happy where I am.  This is probably the exact opposite mental position the Jen found herself in after the 100+ dates and needing her dating detox.  I could never imagine meeting that many people in such a short amount of time - it simply isn't who I am.  I am impressed that anyone would take on such a task!

For now single-dom is pretty awesome, if I start watching High Fidelity on a weekly basis (again) then you will know something in Dan's Dating World has gone awry and the appropriate federal agency should be contacted.

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Arkansas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Admittedly, I’m not sure how I feel about the open relationship lifestyle (despite having dated someone in an O.R. last year and found benefits to it). The non-judgmental part of me thinks polyamory is for someone else and I’m glad people find what makes them happy in life. And there’s a piece of me that, despite my Dan Savage adoringness, deeply thinks perhaps polyamory is a hedonistic, selfish, immature way to exist.

When a polyamorous man in Arkansas agreed to go out with me, my first thought was “Holy molasses, was it rude that I didn’t invite his wife and girlfriend too?” What worried me most about going out with a polyamorous man was simply the logistics of polyamory. Everything else was merely a first date in the purest sense of the term: Meet. Eat. Walk. The usual.

And I guess what I have to say is this: my date was very nice. Super nice. Like, “come crash on our floor if you and Megs don’t have a place to stay” nice. Like, “Oh, be sure to check out this vista that’s hard to find up the hill if you want an amazing panorama of the city” nice. And, “I’m out of touch for a few hours, my girlfriend wanted to see a movie and then I have to go back to work” nice. And while I wanted to believe in his niceness and considerateness were just part of who he was – someone who was generous, giving, friendly, helpful, and kind – as the date wound up, I couldn’t help but think it was all a ploy.

On our date, we had a nice time, but not an electric one. After dinner at a local Thai place, we did a short tour of the city. First stop, a parking to see the skyline, which my date noted was a great place to make out (to which I’m sure I said something to double the awkwardness). Toward the end of our evening as we walked around the local college campus, the second Megan was distracted by a really pretty fountain (she likes shiny things), my date asked if he could kiss me.

He didn’t just go for it. And he didn’t even ask like he thought he would get a yes. He asked, like a pretend shy teenager, if he could steal one kiss. I balked and said, “Oh, no. This is a first date. I’m not going to do that.”

He asked why. I said that in the past — as a co-ed at college — I had felt the need to use kissing and yes, sex, to get boys to like me. And at this juncture in my life, I really didn’t feel like that was necessary, that I relished the freedom to choose not to kiss someone.

And his response? “Oh. Okay. I just really feel like I understand people and get to know them better when I kiss them. Don’t you agree?”

Wait. Really? It’s here in the date where, when looking back on it, I got frustrated and felt duped. What is it about the inside of my mouth that’s going to help you get me that couldn’t be covered over more conversation? In that instant, I felt as though this was a person who gave into desire without looking for long term consequences. Who thought he would be able to pull me in and had so much confidence that I had so little confidence that I would make out with him, maybe if he just pushed a little more and asked like someone inexperienced in dating and relationships (when all signs actually point the other way).

Maybe I’m being a little sensitive on this subject. It just felt strange. I wrapped up the date with a bad taste in my mouth. Not about open relationships, or about polyamory, but just about the guy himself.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.