<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi
Here we go Part 2 of yet another crazy whirlwind romantic journey. When last we left our story the girl was flying back to Kansas.
Upon arrival I got a monster hug. We were so happy to see each other. After weeks apart it felt like the world stopped with her there in my arms. I still had no idea where I was with this girl though. I couldn't truly read anything she told me. She had told me no before, but how do you read a no that refuses to let go of you? We drove 2 hours back to my place and I handed her the letters. I told her she wasn't allowed to read them until she had readjusted to our town. She was cool with that, even as curious as she is. In a day she had decided that she was readjusted enough to read them, after having seen a few of her friends here in town. Those letters went over like a lead brick at the start; she saw where they were going.
I’m sure she thought she had told me, “No.” already. She told me again that it just couldn't happen. That no matter what she did, she couldn't feel us in her heart. That 9 out of 10 things felt so right about us that I truly was one of the most amazing guys she had ever met. Just something inside her said not to let herself go for me. She was waiting for the feeling and she just didn't see it coming. She had told me before that in the past she always knew right off the bat that she was into someone. The first fall would tell her everything, and the times she pushed past and let herself go to someone without that fall had been disastrous. Sound a little like Laura? Yeah, it did to me too. Red flag 2.
I should have listened. In the middle of all that, her estranged husband IMed her. So she hopped on Skype with him and had her final words of goodbye. In that, she asked about me and why she couldn't get on board with me, because I felt too much like him. Wondering if I too, would turn out to be an ass. He told her she couldn't judge others by his actions, his horrible rationalizations. She told me this all after the conversation. Like I said we didn't hide anything from each other. That was one chapter closed. I asked myself why, if she didn't want to be with me, ask him about me? I asked her then if I was her Ex. She said, "No, I wasn't." She kept the letters and cuddled up again with me that night. In fact she didn't leave my house for 5 days straight. I told her she was dangerous, because this was all feeling so real and yet wasn't. It was tearing me apart. Also I suck at saying no to people. So when she asked if she should leave, I couldn't say she should. Even if it would have been better for my soul. I hate sleeping alone if I can avoid it, and even if what we had wasn't real. It was one of the best relationships I had ever been in. Sad to say that I guess. Then again it felt real to me, even those around us had told us that we looked and acted like a couple. Not just any couple, but that sickeningly sweet couple that just freaks you out by how close they are.
That week my twin brothers came to town and helped her and I with our Halloween costumes. Costumes mind you which were Shredder and Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles. If you will, a couples costume. She of course didn't see it that way. How could I not though?
The next few weeks we worked on those costumes until they were all put together. I hadn't brought the topic of us up again. I wasn't going to. I didn't want to scare her away again, especially after the over share of the last 5 letters. You think I would have learned my lesson. A week before Halloween she had a final date thing planned with the guy she was hung up on from before. I told her I felt ill at ease about the whole situation, not being in a REAL relationship though I couldn't really object to it. I’ll admit I was jealous though, she was moving Heaven and Earth for this guy and he was absent. I was moving Heaven and Earth for her and at least I got to hold her at night.
The night before, she had me come over to help her find the perfect outfit. An outfit that she had actually left at my house on accident. I didn't know that until later, but she tore her room apart looking for a top she had discarded in my room. I told her she was dumb for going out of her way for this guy. A guy she wasn't staying with every night. When I, the guy she was staying with every night was right there for her. She said she had to sign off with a, “HA! This is what you are missing out on.” I had written her one final letter. In that letter I too gave her a, “HA! This is what you are missing out on.” Remember, I have a tendency to not say what I mean, so my letters clarify in absolute detail what I am trying to convey. Saves me from having to go back and run through my mind looking for the right thing to say
So, that conversation lead into me talking about my letter and I gave it to her. I didn't want to, because it was in so many words my goodbye. After she read it, she told me again she still couldn't feel it and she had tried so hard to feel it. I told her I had to act, because it still felt very real to me especially with the couples costumes. She then clarified what I assumed, that she didn't think it was a couples costume. Of course...
That night we finally broke through to the core problem dealing with her first love and a loss of hope. I realized there was nothing I could have ever done to break that wall. That she had to find the love for herself, before she could ever love anyone else. Seems my type just might be very damaged girls. I didn't lose hope, but I was done trying to win her affection. As I left I held her, I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. The date the next day didn't go well and she started to close that chapter on him. That’s 3 Ex’s she closed chapters on. I didn't read into it though. I was done reading into things. My heart couldn't take it anymore. Still our bond only strengthened. She came over and we watched a movie after the date day and cuddled up. I told her no one would understand what we were at this point, honestly I didn't even know. That even though we weren't together; that when her heart let her love again if she found me to be the one she had to tell me. She promised she would and gave me a very enthusiastic hug. We were diving deeper and deeper into each other still. There was no past that frightened us from the other. Nothing we did or said seemed to drive a wedge between us.
That weekend we both got sick and I took care of her. She and I took work off and just lazed about the house. Luckily, we got well enough to enjoy Halloween. Which unfortunately was on a Wednesday. Still, we hit the Ville like champs decked out in our amazing costumes. Toured the Ville getting drunker by the hour. That night we went back to my home far gone on beer and found ourselves at the will of our baser instincts. We had spent the better part of four months in each other’s arms and with the inhibitions gone, so were our clothes. Sex seemed like a natural progression. We didn't really sleep that night and enjoyed each other far into the early morning. I honestly can’t ever recall having that much sex in one sitting. We would stop long enough to drink some water, giggle at ourselves, and grab a smoke. Now I can blame drunkenness on our initial sexual encounter, but the next day when we were sober and kept going well that sent my head spinning again. I told her, “I think she liked me.” She told me, “Nope, nothing had changed.” This was a slight I wasn't prepared for, although I should have been.
She left and we had tentative plans to hang with my mom the next day, and my brothers later that day. She canceled on both. I called to see what was up. That lead into a 2 hour discussion about how now that we had tried EVERYTHING and her heart still wasn't on board. That there was nothing left to do but be friends.
I was dismantled, perplexed, and broken. My brothers were my saving grace that night. From a girl that had broken my heart 3 times in four months. I think that might be a record. Fool me once shame on you... We prepped our outfits for a Steampunk convention we were going to in Wichita the next day. It was a very hard night. Still I tossed the tears and heartache aside and headed to Wichita for the convention. Wichita the home of Laura. I had some questions for her on the whole scenario. She held a very unique perspective on it. The convention was a blast and I got to see Laura again. We talked about all our current relationship craziness; I thanked her for not having sex with me. I know that’s weird, but she was right when she told me it would have meant too much for me and tied me closer to her in a way she couldn't reciprocate. I was glad now, frustrated then. I saw the wisdom in it clearly. Hopefully, not a mistake I will make again in the future. Let’s face it though, I probably will.
Well I'll stop here for now. One part left to go. The final No that gives me the resolution to move on. I think you'll be surprised by this ending. It certainly surprised me.
click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!
Friday, December 7, 2012 at 6:58PM
Birthday present. Mama likes!!! A hoi hoi nerderinos, 
