#NerdsUnite: Ego and Our True Self

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet Brian Freedman!! He's recently undergone a transformation in an effort to connect with his "true" self. He's here today to tell you about his latest and greatest discovery in the hopes of helping others on their journey as well. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRIAN!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Brian Freedman

I started reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle and been thinking a lot about the ego, the false self, compared to the Spirit, our true self.

“I usually congratulate people when they tell me, ‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’

Then they look perplexed and ask,

‘Are you saying it is a good thing to be confused?’
I ask them to investigate. What does it mean to be confused?

‘I don’t know’ is not confusion.
 Confusion is: ‘I don’t know, but I should know’ or ‘I don’t know, but I need to know.’

Is it possible to let go of the belief that you should or need to know who you are? In other words, can you cease looking to conceptual definitions to give you a sense of self? Can you cease looking to thought for an identity?

When you let go of the belief that you should or need to know who you are, what happens to confusion? Suddenly, it’s gone.

When you fully accept that you don’t know, you actually enter a state of peace and clarity that is closer to who you truly are than thought could ever be.

Defining yourself through thought is limiting yourself.”
(Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, p. 90)

What you identify with, you are not.

It seems the more spiritual reading I do, the more Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday’s I watch, the more meaningless ego becomes apparent.  I didn’t realize how much the ego has infiltrated mine and seemingly everyone’s lives, causing us attachment and inevitably fear and unhappiness.

It seems the ego in all of us loves titles, things we can identify with to show our value, our self-worth. Our jobs, our hobbies, our friends and family, all used by the ego to cling to a false sense of self. We know all those aren’t who we truly are because they are impermanent; they will eventually be gone. Impermanence is the way of life, we are blessed to enjoy things and people for periods of time, but eventually, they will go back where they came from.

Let’s say, for example, you are a woman with exceptional physical beauty. That’s an amazing gift you have and I’m sure you’re grateful for it.  However, at some point, your physical beauty will fade, as everything does, and what are you left with? Who are you now that what your ego identified with for so long is gone? Is your greatness and value diminished? No. The ego wants you to believe that, but it is not the case. Who you truly are never changes, you are, and will always be, a great light of peace and joy here to bring love to everyone you meet.

#nerdsunite

Check out more from Brian over yonder ...
YouTube: youtube.com/ImBrianFreedman
Facebook: facebook.com/pages/Brian-Freedman/119790301389812

#SPON: I may be mad, but the phone I'm impressed with!

ARRGHHHHH!!! 

I can't believe the last 36 hours just happened. The guy I went out on a date with in Colorado is fucking. nuts. And the worst part about it is that the doesn't realize HOW nuts he is?!?!!?!?!?! 

I REFUSED to let this experience define my existence so after my meetings this afternoon I kicked it with a very dear friend from NY who happened to be in town.

Now, I am laying on the ground at the Sofitel with her watching "For a Good Time Call."

I genuinely just need to calm down before writing this post. Dudes, I couldn't even face my trivia team this evening!!?!?! All I wanted to do was not talk about anything that was just experienced. HE'S SO FUCKING NUTS!!! THE NAME DROPPING (without even direct association) AND THE BLOGGER FETISH?!?!?! WHO DOES THIS HAPPEN TO?!?! 

On another note, I tested out the Sony Xperia TL today using Spotify and IT'S STILL RUNNING!!

Albeit, I still used my iPhone for most of my social media use, but for Spotify this thing lasted the wait at the airport this morning, the flight, the cab ride, AND the wait for my buddies at the restaurant and the bar after. I didn't calculate it exactly but via phonearena the xperia is noted to have 7 hours of "talk time" and 450 hours of "standby." My only question to that is what are the "new" real world statistics? Who uses their phone to talk anymore? And what is the definition of "standby?" I just want to know exactly how many tweets I can send, and the exact amount of Facebook refreshes I can get in a single charge. Super, super, super impressed with Spotify usages on this phone, but again, what does it all really mean? And shouldn't we change how certain phones' battery lives are quantified? 

Food for thought. 

Oh look something shiny ... 

#thatisall

Thanks AT&T for the corporate sponsored phone!! It's honestly kind of amazing. How can anyone be mad at a 13 Mega pixel camera!!! Well played dear Sony ... well ... played ... 

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#NerdsUnite: To Trust or Not to Trust (a lesson in social dynamics & learning to let go)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

I almost made the complete wrong decision and it was because I was deciding based on fear. I was strategizing the future marketing plans for mine and Jen’s social dynamics workshops when Jen had provoked the discussion of what to give away. Dealing with intellectual property is a tuff thing and thankfully after debating with myself I realized that we don’t have any so it doesn’t matter. I didn’t invent social dynamics I just became really really obsessed with it for a long time and gained a lot of insights. Our value lies deeper than the principles of what we teach and it’s really about our combined expertise and ability to help people succeed. The whole reason I wanted to start doing this was to change a few lives and I’ve already accomplished that. So the next goal is to change many lives. What better way to do this then to start teaching through my writing here on TNTML. So without further ado...

I wanted to start where social interactions start, with someone opening a conversation. The purpose of social dynamics is to give people choice, opening is where this choice starts. When I started studying social dynamics I mostly wanted to have a choice in who I talked to. If I saw a girl that struck me I wanted to be able to approach her and for that interaction to last more than a couple awkward minutes. If I saw a group of people that were having fun I wanted to be able to join them and turn former strangers into new friends. One important thing to note is that there are no silver bullets and no panty-dropping pick-up lines. It's paramount that you focus on the principles of what I’m talking about. Feel free to take the examples I’ll provide and use them word for word at first, but understand that these are only training wheels and inevitably you’ll have to take them off.

There are many types of openers and I’ll write about each of them individually, for this piece we’ll be talking about what’s called an opinion opener. This is the best place to start for most people because the chances of getting blown off are low. The basic premise is that instead of starting a conversation off with the normal, “Hi, how are you doing?”, that you immediately start a conversation in a way that provides social value. Social value could be defined as something that is said or done by one party that is engaging to the desired audience. The opinion opener accomplishes this by immediately engaging the desired audience in a discussion they are interested in. Here is the opinion opener that I taught my students and it has worked with a lot of success.

“Hi, I’ve had a strange last couple of dates and I need an opinion. Twice within the first five minutes my date talked about how in love they were with 50 Shades of Grey. I don’t know what’s more disconcerting, whether they just have a horrible taste in books or whether I may end up walking into a dungeon. What are your thoughts?"

Let’s break down why this opinion opener works well. First is the hook line, “strange couple of dates”. Most people are interested about swapping dating horror stories and putting this at the front of the opener will spark someone’s interest. Second is the mention of other dates, this may seem counter-intuitive, especially if the person you are talking to is a romantic interest, but the reason for this is to disarm the other person. It immediately lets them know that you are not in a place of desperation and also conveys that you are not talking to them for the purpose of hitting on them. Third, is the use of 50 Shades of Grey, it’s topical, well known, and controversial. Lastly, is the part about taste and the possibility of a dungeon. This gives the person something specific to respond to and allows them to either affirm their good taste in literature as well, or disagree and offer another opinion. Either way they are engaged and your opener has completed its job. Generally, I encourage people to always directly ask for their audiences participation at the end of the opener.

Not all of these elements are needed, so here are the essential parts for you to use as a style guide when creating your own opinion opener. The opener needs to be short and should be delivered within 30 seconds. It should be relevant to the person you’re talking to, the 50 Shades of Grey opener may not work well with a child or with your new, or potential, partners parents. Most importantly it needs to strike a chord, it needs to be interesting, the desired audience needs to want to talk about it. In other words, it needs to have social value. The easiest way to find interesting opinion openers is keep your eyes and ears open during everyday life and ask questions about things that genuinely interest you.

Next blog post I’ll be talking about how to use body language to your advantage during opening. Many people have a lot of trouble because they don’t even know they’re making mistakes but the things you don’t say can oftentimes be more telling than what comes out of your mouth.

That’s all for now friends. If you have any questions or would like to submit your opinion openers to me I would love to take a look at them and write about them here.

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Washington Date 2)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

This is the story of date two in Washington state: Everette. (For the tale of date one, see here). In a very deep voice, Everette suggested we meet at a local ice cream parlor known for exotic flavors. Um. Yes. I liked him already, despite only exchanging two emails and one short phone call. Note to boys: most girls are putty if you suggest the magic ice cream words.

Everette and I sat down on a bench outside the shop once the awkwardness of selecting our flavors in the loud shop was over. (Why is it that the simple act of ordering ice cream can feel like walking the gauntlet on a first date?). The glass window behind us gently was wobbling as the big band music from the dance club above us kept time. And then, he reached to open the paper bag he’d been carrying when we met.

Me: Oh, what’s in the bag?
Everette: Well … that’s the question, isn’t it?
Me: Is it fun?
Everette: Maybe. I guess. Probably?
Me: It is dead puppies?
Everette: How did you know?
Me: Dead puppies aren’t much fun.
Everette: Actually, it’s flowers.

Yep. Flowers. First date, and the guy brought me two types of flowers. One very fresh, very alive, very floral aroma tickling my nose. And a bundle of dried flowers. As he put it, one for now — though it wouldn’t survive. But the rest for later, for as long as I didn’t squash them in the car, I’d be able to enjoy their purple, blue and white beauty.

Our banter continued in the same teasing manner as above, though on much more serious topics. Everette asked me right off the bat if I was married. It was so surprising, I laughed. He smiled, but I could tell he was seriously asking, so I said, no, I wasn’t and had never been — but did want to know why he queried. You have to ask, he said. You just never know.

I paused, ready to rebuke that statement. It’s not my nature to be critical or tell people they are wrong, but it is my nature to try and think critically about statements and attempt to help people not feel skeptical about new people. And as my mind zipped through my past relationships and the stories of my own that would make me want to know about the current relationship status of whomever I was out with, I realized Everette was right.

There was the time years ago I went out with someone on a date when I knew I shouldn’t — probably because I had a boyfriend. But I’m not the only fallible person. Like the boy who, after eight months and my having already asked if he’d been engaged before (to which he’d said no), copped to having been engaged. Or the one who took me abroad before telling me he’d been married and was actually still technically married, over a Sunday Roast in London.

I told Everette about the latter story, and as I told the tale his eyes widened and shifted, saying “It’s a trap!” as I finished. We laughed as Admiral Ackbar has a tendency to make people snicker, and Everette proceeded to ask if I had been upset. At the time, I both was and was not. What was I supposed to do? Be mad at the one person I knew in the country? I was taken aback, sure. But it did not seem rational to get angry at the person paying for the apartment we were staying in.

When I told Everette, he looked surprised. “But it’s just really unfair of him to have done that.” And that’s when I realized — yes, a year and a half later — that it had been unfair. That I probably should have been incredibly angry at someone who was trying to manipulate me into liking him, who didn’t want to tell the truth of his past because he was afraid of my reaction. Just as I’ve often been afraid of the reactions of others. Still, though …

Everette and I moved onto other topics, discussing Seattle’s dating scene (nil, apparently — there’s literally a term for how bad dating is called “The Seattle Freeze”), and what Everette plans to do to find himself a great gal to settle down with. We explored the dance hall above us and the refurbished 30s-era bar, and then it was time to say goodbye.

But ever since then, I’ve been thinking about our conversation. From “It’s a trap!” to “really unfair” to “you just never know.”

You just never know.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#Adventures in Randomness and Rock & Roll w @leah_cevoli (Obligatory Father)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Leah. She's pretty rad and has an INCREDIBLY random life. Like, no - for reals ... did you know she has an obsession with vampires, psychics, and tarot card readers ... and she had more sex as a teenager than in her 30s ... anddddd she even had two ex boyfriends die violently - one from a heroin overdose, and the other was murdered. Holy moly roli poli oli - that shit be cray cray. Either way, she's now here to write about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LEAH!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Leah_Cevoli

Does anyone else have a parent that just doesn't like them?

Maybe they "love" you as in they feel obligated or feel the need to help out with parental type things like food, shelter, and finances, when you're in need, but as a person they just don't like you?

The older I get the more obvious and unavoidable it is that I have to accept that my father just doesn't like me.

I'm told that as a young kid, we had a great relationship. I really don't remember that time.

As a teenager, we fought a lot. My Dad was constantly yelling at me, grounding me, sending me to my room, etc.

As an adult, my Dad just doesn't talk to me much, and when he does it's to reprimand me for something absurd.

For instance, it's the day after Thanksgiving, my sister, her husband, and baby just left after a visit, and my Dad comes in the living room to tell me to not eat my lunch in the living room, it's not a table, and I'm going to damage his furniture.

For the record I had already finished eating, put my plate in the dishwasher, and left no trace of the leftover turkey lunch.

Now, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but EVERYONE, including him, eats and drinks in the living room on a daily basis.

What it boils down to, is just another thing to pick at me about.

Another instance.. there's a hallway when you walk in the house, where you can usually find various coats/jackets hanging from the rail or on the bench, along with a variety of shoes in the hallway.

Unless they're mine.. I get reprimanded and told to take my shoes and coat and hang them up.

Again, I know this may sound silly... but NO ONE else gets reprimanded for the very same actions.

I am a grown woman, who has lived on her own for about 15 years. On her own. Alone. Paying her own bills, taking care of her own townhome.

I am not careless, reckless, disrespectful, or damaging of other people's properties.

I'm currently living in my parents' home on the East Coast. I travel a lot, I work a lot, but for the past 4 months my belongings, my cat, and me, are based here at their house.

I clean up after myself, and for the most part I keep to myself upstairs in the back bedroom, and only come down to eat, or to visit when a sibling stops by, like today.

My Dad doesn’t make eye contact with me when I come home. He rarely says anything really, and I can't remember the last time he asked me what was going in my life or had a normal conversation with me.

He jumps to the phone when any one of my siblings calls. His eyes light up when any one of them stops by to visit... and even just last week, my longtime girlfriend stopped by, sat on the couch next to my Dad, and he had a conversation with her. Listening to something she was talking about and giving his advice on the situation.
When we walked out of the house together, I said to her, "He doesn’t talk to me like that. I can't remember the last conversation we had."

Same thing with all of my in-laws. They adore him. He is kind and funny to my sister in laws, and helpful, respectful, and funny to my brother in laws.

Me.. not so much.

I try. Not a whole lot. But I do try.

Occasionally I'll ask questions about work or the weather.. but that's pretty much the extent of any conversation we could have, without it turning into an argument. I could never talk to him about my career, or my love life (or lack of).

And that's just a normal day. If he's having a bad day, watch out. I will be the prime target of that bad day, with yelling, stomping, and doors slamming, or the cold shoulder. The last time I was in town for an extended period, my Dad successfully gave me the cold shoulder, not a word spoken to me, for about two weeks. Quite an accomplishment when you're living in a regular size house with someone to be able to not speak at all for 2 weeks.

My Dad goes out of his way to not interact with me. Even on subjects that I’m an expert on.  Just a few weeks ago, my Dad got his first IPhone. I was upstairs in my little cave, and I could hear from downstairs that he had some questions about the functions, heard him telling my Mom that he had texted or called one of my brothers to ask them. Yet, I’m upstairs, have had an IPhone longer than any of them, and am more tech savvy and use more of the IPhone features then any of them.

My Dad plays guitar and likes to write songs and sing with my brother and sisters. I’m never invited to join in, even though I’ve been working in entertainment for 15years, have a folder full of lyrics, a published poetry book and know more professional musicians then my whole family combined.

There’s not much more I love then an old-fashioned jam session with friends, taking turns singing, and making inanimate objects musical instruments, but I don’t ever join in at my parent’s house. It’s hard to put it into words, but I don’t feel welcome in the room if they’re playing together. Like, I have no musical talent, so I shouldn’t be there.  It’s a strange feeling. It really is, especially when all of my friends know how much I love to sing, and jam, and do backups for bands, sing karaoke, etc.. I just love the creativeness of it all, whether I can actually hit the notes or not.. but I’m not encouraged to express that side of me when I’m around my family.

My ego says, he's the parent, and he's the one with the problem, he should be able to resolve the problem. My heart says.. well you have to be the bigger person, and radiate even more love.. not to take it personally, not to cry every time he has harsh words for me.

But it hurts... it hurts that every other member of my rather large extended family and friends, think he's such a great, compassionate, loving guy..

The only time I get to see that side of him is when watching the way he treats and interacts with others.

One of my best friends lost her father this week, she is devastated. I'm having a hard time finding the right way to console and comfort her, because I just don't know what that feels like. I don’t know what it feels like to know that your father loves and adores you. I don't know what it feels like to be friends with your father.

The only times that my Dad is truly nice to me, is when I'm heading out the door and won't be back in town for a long period of time. During those times, I'll get a "You're smart and you can accomplish anything" pep talk.

Live Love. Love Life.

#xoxo

click here to follow Leah on twitter!