#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I am constantly amazed by the wisdom that children hold. Last week, my boss showed me a little story that a random child wrote and left behind for us. It was titled "The Locked Door". The first line read "There is nothing more tempting than a locked door, a broad, dark, locked door". It followed with the line "It was like all of the other doors, except it was locked." These words resonated with me and got me thinking of how it is a good analogy for many situations in life, but more importantly, for my mission.

"The Locked Door" story brought me to a place in my awareness that I needed to see. If I turned this into a metaphor about my mission it would go like this- if the door was open and I could peak in, I wouldn't be so obsessed with what is inside. But-since the door is locked and forbidden to be entered, all I can do is think about what might lie behind the door. The door looks just like any other door, and probably doesn't have anything all that enticing behind it anyway, but the fact that I can't just open the damn door is making the intrigue larger than life. I tell myself that I can't have a man, they are off limits. Sex is unacceptable, relationships are a no go, it is making me want both of those things more than I actually do.

So, I ask myself  "if I wasn't on my mission, would I still crave men and all that comes along with them as much?" I doubt it. Think about it, we always want what we can't have. Forbidden fruit goes back to the beginning of creation depending on what you believe. There are countless love stories, and movies based on star crossed lovers, and love that has been exiled in some way. It makes me think that if we did away with forbidding anything, we wouldn't want all of the things we can't have. If that was the case, we would be free to leave no stone unturned.

It's like in a relationship. We expect our partner to be completely faithful to us and we expect them to not have desires beyond our partnership, which in a lot of cases makes one or both of the lovers crave something that seems appealing, because the door is locked. I think I might be on to something, but it isn't quite that simple. I like to think that I can dig the idea of leaving all doors open to explore, but if I am being truly honest with myself, I don't know if I could. Even though I know first hand that a locked door makes what ever is behind it seem more captivating than it most likely is in real life, I still long for monogamy. I say that now, 4 months into my "6 Month NO MAN Mission", but I know that once in the situation, I would eventually change my tune. I have always been in monogamous relationships, and I have inevitably ended up wanting something that was behind a locked door. So, what is the solution? I don't know. In my ideal world, I believe that when I find "the one" then I will no longer care what is behind the door, but I have not experienced that yet so I am left to believe that the idea just isn't realistic.

What is a girl like me to do? A girl addicted to love with idealistic notions, who has the biggest locked door ever right in front of her. This door has been taunting me for a very long time, even before I started my mission. Even when I was with "Someone", I wanted the key to the locked door. Hell, if I think back it was like that in every relationship. It goes back to the whole "grass is greener" concept. Here I am, single and free to explore anything I want, yet I put a self imposed dead  bolt on all doors that read "man" and "love". At this point in my mission I am starting to think that it is hindering me more than it is helping me, but that is just the addict talking. Or is it? If I just allowed myself to sift through the possibilities, would I be so obsessed with the idea of love and sex? I have no idea.

The funny thing is, I was just telling Tim about my theory and he asked if the door represents a zipper....ha! Yes, actually I think it does!

My name is Tiffany and I am trembling over the locked door before me.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

In my life things tend to happen when I absolutely least expect it, in ways I could have never dreamed up, with people that I never thought possible. It is a trip. Life has a way of flying in like a whirlwind, spinning me around, throwing me off path, and then putting me back down to look around. That is where I am today. I am amazed at how quickly life can change, it is astounding. 

With 10 weeks left on my mission, it happened to me. Life came in. Life came in to ask me how important this mission is to me. Is it so important to finish out the next 10 weeks being "man-free", or should I tread headlong on the path to possibility? There have been many enticing situations along the way, but nobody has caught my attention enough to make me really consider how little or how much 10 weeks matters in the grand scheme of life....until now. Until now, the idea of possibility was just that-and idea. Here I sit today with real, true possibility and the only thing standing in the way is the 10 short weeks I have left to complete this mission. So, I ask myself? What is 10 weeks? Is it worth it? I feel like the only thing that holds any true worth in life is connection, and at this point on my mission, and in my life I can't turn my back on it. So, modifications and amendments will have to be made for the remainder of my "6 Month NO MAN mission". When something special comes along, there is no damn way I can turn my back on it just to prove a point to myself, or anyone else for that matter.

I realize that I have many people watching, and holding me accountable to my mission, but at what point do I draw the line? At what point do I take my life out of the close watch of those who are getting much more pleasure out of my mission than I am? When is time to just let it be, to not fight the natural order of life? When is it time for me to let go and let live? The time is now, because that is all any of us have. 

My name is Tiffany, and I am basking in possibility.  

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (Drinking is bad..mmmmmkay)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

I am pretty proud of myself. Since I have been virtually "Man-Free" over the past few weeks, I have had several opportunities to break my mission. I have been faced with decisions that would either keep me on my path or completely derail me.

On Saturday night, I had three choices to choose from after my "Girls Night Out". I could have met up with "Trainer", go over to another boy's house who will go unnamed for the moment, or meet up with "Dirty Bob". If I had chosen option A, or B, I probably would have ended up breaking my mission in some way. Instead I chose the safest option, which was to hang out with "Dirty Bob". "Dirty Bob" is safe because we are homies and nothing more. When I hang out with "DB" it is like I am hanging out with my best girlfriend only I get to hear the perspective from a guy's point of view. It is pretty damn invaluable. The only issue when "DB" and I hang out is that everyone thinks we are a couple. I find myself having to let people know that we are not together. I mean, I am on a "NO MAN MISSION" but it is pretty close to being over, so we can't be messing up my game or his! "DB" devised a plan to tell everyone that we are cousins. Brilliant. The point is, I was a good girl and resisted my urges. I stuck to my guns. I chose the safe option, even though I am so ready to break my mission. I didn't. Victory! Growth is happening ladies and gentlemen.

Even though major growth is happening, I need to keep myself in check. I know how I get. That is precisely the reason I choose not to drink in certain company. I am already pretty filter-less so when I drink, all bets are off. It's like the bad girl is just beneath the surface and even the slightest enticing situation mixed with alcohol unleashes the beast inside. Especially these days. I figured it out yesterday. I was baffled as to why I am okay most of the time, but there is about one week every month that I am a force to be reckoned with. During that time, I have animalistic desires and everyone knows it. It is the week of ovulation that makes  women (me) like this, we are wired to find a man to impregnate us during that magical time of month. Shit, knowing that is enough for me to abstain. The last thing I need is a baby. Wouldn't that be the ultimate Karma for breaking my mission?! Damn, if there was ever a good reason not to break it, that is it!

Last night I made the biggest leaps and bounds yet. I had a happy hour event with all of my yogi peeps and throughout the course of 7 hours, I had only one alcoholic beverage. I behaved myself, and I did not do or say anything in the dark that I would regret in the light. Shit, yeah! Don't think I wasn't enticed, because I was, oh was I ever!!! It took great will power for me to remain on the light side of myself. A couple crazy nights will do that to a good/bad girl. So, I guess I should be thankful for the crazy times during my mission, because it taught me to keep myself under control. Hey, sometimes a girl has to crash and burn before she can rise from the ashes like a Phoenix.

My name is Tiffany, and I have 10 more weeks on my "6 Month NO MAN Mission". Think I can do it?!

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (girl power)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

Today I felt down, out, and even a little lost as I wandered aimlessly around town in an effort to follow my spirit, because some days this girl just doesn't know what she wants. Everything feels scattered and fuzzy lately. I partially blame it on the planetary aspects that are going on, but on a not so "new agey" level, I think it is where I am at on my mission.

I have had many ups and downs during the past 13 weeks. Freedom, loss, independence, loneliness, happiness, sadness, clarity, and confusion. Lately I have vacillated between the idea of cutting my mission short or modifying it, to being the strong girl I know I am and completing what I set out to do. Really, what is 3 months? I have my whole life to date, navigate love, and ultimately be in a relationship. Three months feels like a long time, but oddly enough, 11 weeks doesn't.

After my experience of cutting the chord with "Someone", to my learning lesson with "Trainer", to the craziness of "Autumn" I am in a strange spot. I know that all of these experiences were an integral part of my mission and growing process. I am thankful for them, but now that the dust has settled, I feel like the true process has begun. There are no distractions, so I find myself looking for one. It is easy for me to find something attractive about guys I would never think twice about in the past. It's very interesting to me because I see what I am doing. The real test is for me to not act on my weakness, because that is why I set out to do this mission in the first place. Not to have some superficial crap that won't lead to anything.

All of this awareness came today after a long day of wandering. Eventually, I wandered to a power sculpt class at the studio and that was the point where my day completely turned around. I am amazed by and so lucky to have these beautiful people in my life. Being in the presence of those women made me feel completely loved and helped me to realize so many things in the short time I was there. I learned that I can get through anything with the support of loving people who are true and genuine. I realized that I have been spending way too much time alone. I was reminded that having strong, inspiring women in my life on a regular basis is absolutely necessary, and I got some really great insight on where I am at on my mission.

When I told the girls how I was feeling about my mission, they snapped into immediate sister action. The best analogy I got about my plight is this- Where I am at on my mission is like being on day 5 of a cleanse. The very scent of any food smells amazing, even if you never liked that food before, you want it, crave it, salivate over it. Then when you cave and eat the prune (which you would never touch regularly) you realize, shit, I don't like prunes, why did it seem so enticing?

I am willing to bet that if I broke my mission I would feel like I just ate a prune. Shitty. I know that a lot of what I write about sounds very painful, and it is to a degree, but only because I am growing. Some would argue that I am going against the natural order of things by being so strict with myself, and I would agree on certain days-but knowing myself the way I do, and having the awareness that I have been looking for a distraction so that it would be easier to complete my "no man mission"-I know that I have finally come to the place on my mission where the true, exponential growth opportunity is. So, I am changing my focus, since I get to decide what I focus on. Instead of looking at every guy and wondering if he is my next distraction, I am turning to my ladies. I am going to reach out and let my distraction be beautiful friendships, with women. I would rather have that then the quick fix that a man offers. Now that I think of it, my longest relationships have been my friendships with women, and ya know what, they have been the most enriching and rewarding relationships too.

My name is Tiffany, and I feel like I have taken a breath of amazingly fresh air. I am so thankful for you beautiful ladies, every single last one of you.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!

#Status: Single. A 6 Month No Man Mission (growing pains)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Tiffany. She's a love addict who is now purging herself of men in the hopes of finding a cure. Think she can do it?? She has given herself six months, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT TIFFANY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @nomanmission

This weekend was the first time during my entire "6 Month NO MAN mission" that I was truly "man free".

Friday night was wonderful. I had a near perfect day on Saturday, and I attribute it to the fact that I didn't make any plans, rather I just went wherever my spirit called. I couldn't have predicted just how awesome my day would be on Saturday. I knew inside that I should just go home at the end of it, but I didn't listen to my spirit. Instead I agreed to join my beautiful "Blue" for drinks at the premier date spot in Encinitas. I made two mistakes simultaneously. First of all, choosing to go out when I knew that a peaceful night at home was what my spirit called for. Second, thinking it would be a good idea to go to a date spot to have drinks when I am single, alone, with no prospects of new love, and totally missing life in relationship-town.

I arrived first and as I looked around, the high that I was riding from my amazing day quickly went on a steady decline. Everywhere I looked were couples, people on first dates, people on third dates, groups of couples having a nice dinner together, and there I was alone. By the time "Blue" arrived I was so anxious that I could hardly hold a conversation with her. I was so preoccupied with people watching and wondering if the love of my life was going to walk through the door, (all the while knowing that he wouldn't) that I couldn't just be present with her. After the first glass of wine, I was feeling better so I ordered us another round as well as a ridiculously gluttonous dessert-which I ate every last bite of, alone. Half way through the second drink, "Blue" was texting her new man, making plans for him to pick her up. I started to panic, knowing that I could not drive home because I am tiny and definitely over the legal limit, knowing that she was going to get swooped up by her man and I was painfully alone. It didn't help that within the past 24 hours I had began texting with my ex again for the first time in a month because it was his birthday. I could feel my shoulders tensing up, and my heart falling into my stomach. I felt trapped. Trapped in the cold reality of truly being "man free". I have to be honest, I really don't like being "man free".

So, here I am half way through my "6 Month NO MAN mission" and I feel like for the first time I am actually doing what I planned to do on this mission-and I don't like it. I'm sure it is just a transitional thing, I will settle into this place and get used to it, but for now, I am bummed out. I am clearly aware of the lessons that I am learning right now and I know it is all part of a very transformational process for me, but growing hurts. That's why the term "growing pains" exists. I am having growing pains. I think what did me in last night is the fact that for the first time I didn't have a distraction. I have always had a guy that could distract me from the lonely feelings, so I never truly felt alone. Last night, I felt alone, and it is a good thing. As much as it sucked, I am glad that "Trainer" didn't answer me, or that "Someone" was at a concert, and that "Spiritual Gangster" was up to his own shenanigans. I needed to have a night like last night, to learn and grow.

The positive spin on this whole thing? There are lots of positives, but the biggest is that I'm not really alone. I have my homie Tim (baby daddy) and my beautiful son. Instead of taking a cab home, I called Tim and he came and picked me up, and brought my car home so that I could get to work in the morning. So, you see, I am not alone-but Tim and I have already had our time together, we are simply the best of friends...so I am still waiting, and longing for my one true love to appear in my life. I know that as long as I am hoping for him, he won't show up. I realize this, but I am nothing if not blatantly honest, so I have no problem admitting that truly all I want in my life is- LOVE- real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other, love.

My name is Tiffany and I am having growing pains.

#thatisall

click here to follow Tiffany on twitter!