#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Editor's Note: Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancée after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss.

These Are The Unbelievably Fucked-Up Things I Think About.

I’ve already written about day dreaming about my wedding that never was. But when I’m sitting at my desk and my mind starts a wanderin’ there are many other completely delusional scenarios involving myself and my ex-fiancé that pop into my head.

Post-Terror Attack L.A.
After they executed Bin Laden, I got freaked out thinking about a retaliation from Al Qaeda on Los Angeles. I figure they already attacked New York, so it seems probable to me that they could go after LA since it is the 2nd largest market in the country and the source of the majority of our entertainment. Hell, I thought maybe they would blow up the iconic Hollywood sign. Then I melted reality with my sorrow and need to cling to the man I love so much.

This created a scenario in my mind that I’m not very proud of. I found myself actually hoping they would bomb LA! It could be a great excuse for my ex and I to get back together! I was (still am) hella depressed and when you are miserable you want everyone else to be to. Other people’s happiness just doesn’t matter when you’re this sad.

In one version I have just left work to go across the street to pick something up at CVS and as I am on my way back to work, it happens. I look back at the building I work in as it gets bombed.

Seriously Julie? The building you work in?! The one that contains 90% of your Los Angeles friends! Yes, because without them, there’s less people to judge me.

Time stands still as I stand there horrified at what I am seeing while simultaneously realizing how lucky I am to be alive. Then the scene snaps back into real time as chaos ensues: fire, smoke, sirens. The rest is a blur of me getting away safely until somehow, someway (cue 1950s dramatic movie music) my ex-fiancé and I find each other! He wipes the dust and dirt off of my face and then we passionately embrace, and realize how short life is and that we HAVE to be together. We also recognize that it’s the perfect excuse to get back together because no one in our lives will have the gall to call either one of us out for it because the bombing is such a sensitive topic.

There’s a similar outcome in my “One of us gets into a car accident” daydream.

Build Me Up Buttercup

Mallrats was and remains to this day one of my favorite movies of all time. It is also my ex’s. On our first date we went back to his place afterwards and I remember checking out his DVD collection (one of the first things I do once inside someone’s residence. That or their book collection). “Mallrats is my favorite movie!” I said. His eyes got really large and he turns to his best friend who was also hanging out, “Isn’t that also my favorite movie?” and his friend shook his head vigorously up and down. That was a big moment for both of us, especially for him. I guess it’s not often that you come across a girl that says her favorite movie is the one that is your favorite movie, especially when it’s Mallrats (male humor: comics, pot, crazy antics).

We’ve had a couple ‘getting back together’ talks, about what each of us would require of the other to do so. I told him a big gesture from him would be in order. I need to feel that he’s willing to do something crazy to get me back. The crumbling of a relationship takes two. I know what I did wrong, but he cheated and that’s all people see. I told him he would have to win over the people in my life, too.

Hence, this fucked up day-dream: I dream about him recreating the end scene in Mallrats in an effort to get me back.

How he get’s a stage and a microphone, I don’t know! That detail doesn’t matter, it’s for him to figure out and orchestrate.

Brodie (him):”You. All right, I believe you have something that belongs to me.”
Shannon (some random dude I’m dating?):”Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Brodie (him):”Not you, Asshole. The girl. You have my heart.”
Rene (me):”What can I say? I love the retard.”

And then he brings me onstage and making out ensues. Maybe he even has a new engagement ring for me!

Here in Reality
Me at my desk thinking about God knows what.

After having many day-dreams of this caliber I realized that I needed to put a plan into action. You cannot sit at your desk every day crying - bosses and co-workers only have so much patience. I came up with a plan for blocking day dreams. At any given point in the work day I can have any combination of the following programs/sites running:

• Netflix (needs to be something I have already seen so I don’t need to actually look at the screen)
• AIM
• Grooveshark (Do not play Boyz II Men’s “End Of The Road”!)
• This American Life (not the Valentine’s Day episode or the one about cheaters)
• my Hotmail, gmail or AOL (lol, don’t judge, it’s my spam account) email accounts
• Mashable.com
• OKCupid (confidence booster)
• facebook (for stalking and wasting time)
• a notepad doc open for writing posts
• various news websites (MSN,CNN)
• Playing Words with Friends on my phone
• turntable.fm (new obsession)

AAAAnd I have to take a walk around 4-5:00 almost everyday to calm my mind down.

The shocking part is that all of the above actually helps me work more since I’m not getting sad.

Anything to keep me from thinking about non-reality.

#nerdsunite

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

Fear.

I’m so scared. Like panic attack scared.

When you lose your other half, when you lose a future that was promised to you, when you wore a ring that made you think the search was over and that your future is set you enter a time of confusion and brokenness. You lose your life.

You watch it crumble into little pieces and then you crumble as well.

You then lay in your bed with a blanket over your head, watch mind-numbing TV with a hoodie protecting your tear strewn face from the world, you eat all the ice cream in the pint, cry your heart out and work out until you can’t move anymore.

To recover is to pick up the pieces and put each one back together. You can easily find the pieces. But then you may find that you just aren’t sure how to put it all back together.

That’s where I am today. I no longer hysterically cry (umm, okay, maybe every once in a while, but not every day). I can make it through the day without tears streaming down my face as I hope that my (all male) co-workers don’t notice. But yet I feel as though I am carrying all of the pieces of my life in my arms, dropping a piece here and there and then picking them up and adding them back to the pile. I don’t know how to put them back together. How to feel whole again.

I have so many questions that I am asking of myself.

What would happen if you and he did get back together? Would everyone still hate him? What will they think of me?!?

Should I stay in LA? I can’t move back home to Florida. Should I move to a new state?

What am I doing?

Where am I going?

Did I just waste the last 7+ years of my life?

What do I want?
note: I have always had a strong sense of self (or thought I did?). The fact that I don’t know the answer to this is fucking shocking to me.

Now what?

I have answers for none of these.

This only adds to the noise inside my head.

Luckily, I have this amazing, amazing, amazing yoga teacher. Before every class she will talk for a few minutes about everyday life, usually tying in a piece or element of Hindi scripture. I swear this woman somehow knows exactly what I am going through. She’s spoken about changing bad habits (Samskara or “brain scars”) right when I’m realizing that I can’t hang out with my ex on a weekly basis forever. She’s told the class about the Veil of Maya (illusion) and how when we act out of character it pulls at our souls and makes us uncomfortable. “Wow, really lady? You don’t say. Light bulb!” That was right when my ex and I were trying to work things out and I did NOT trust this person and was doing things that were extremely uncharacteristic of myself: going through his personal stuff such as email, bank account, facebook, etc. It was through hearing her speak that I have made some big, positive changes in my life.

On Friday I almost had a break-down due to the above questions. THE NEXT DAY she spoke about Akhilandeshwari, The Hindu Goddess of “Never Not Broken”.

Akhilandeshwari is a Sanskrit word; Ishwari means goddess or female power and Akhilanda means never not broken. A play on words. A joke because even her name is broken since it’s a double negative.

Instead of being a weak figure as one might presume, she actually draws her power from being broken. She is free of Samskara. Being broken means you now have a CHOICE on how your future plays out. You can put your puzzle pieces back together how you want to.

My favorite attribute of this goddess is that she rides a crocodile. My teacher explained that the crocodile represents our fear. She went on to explain how crocodiles kill. After they get their prey in their jaws, they bring them into the water and spin them around a couple of times. This completely disorients them (which is exactly what fear does to a person).

Akhilandeshwari embraces her fear and uses it to navigate down the river, which like life, is always moving, always changing, always flowing.

As I sat on my yoga mat I learned that I can take time to just sit with my fear and uncertainty. Maybe I don’t have to have answers to my questions today. I don’t have to know where the river is taking me.

Be with one with your fear.

Ride it, baby.

#namaste