#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Home Alone)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Catch up on the story: read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV  and Part V of our ending.

I have to go home. I have to leave the comforts of being around all of my family, of being in my mother's house and being in South Florida and head back to Los Angeles. I have to go back to an empty house. My ex is staying at a friend's house. I ask my brother if he will please, please go to LA with me and stay for a week. Thank God, the moon, the stars and the sun, he said yes.

We have an amazing conversation on the 5 hour plane ride. It was therapeutic.

We get home. I am so happy to be in my own place, even if it is empty, which is so sad. I walk into my bedroom and put my stuff down. I turn on the lamp on my nightstand. There is a hair clip on my nightstand. It does not belong to me. But I know exactly who often uses those in her hair.

A slap in the face before I even unpack.

I contact him and of course, he denies. Claims that he must have put in there when he was cleaning the house and that it's probably ___'s (the mutual friend's house he is currently staying at). I go to sleep that night wondering what exactly is on the sheets I'm sleeping on.

So, of course, in the next couple of days, the crazy girl in me comes out full force. What the fuck is going on? I NEED answers. My life is falling apart. One night while my brother is on the couch watching TV I decide to go and do some detective work. I go to our filing cabinet and open the top drawer, which is his. In the back I can see a huge stack of receipts and Christmas cards. Jackpot. I learn a lot. I read all of the Christmas cards addressed to us BOTH. I see find a Bank of America receipt and discover that he got over a thousand dollars from his parents in Christmas money. By the rest of this stack of receipts I can see that he drank it all away.

Then I find a receipt that stops my breath.
SLS Hotel. $100

I quickly jump on the computer to see how much it costs to stay at the SLS. $400. I look back at the receipt and realize it's for a restaurant at the hotel. Then I find the valet receipt and I see that he left at midnight. Okay, so he didn't stay at the hotel. But he spent $100 on a really nice dinner....WTF.

I walk back out to the living room. I am shaking and flushed. I sit next to my brother and my mind and heart are racing. The problem with snooping is that in order to confront the person with your findings, you have to admit what you were doing. I honestly do not even remember confronting him about this. I know I did and I know he gave me some more bullshit.

My brother and I had a great time talking and watching Beavis & Butthead. He claims that he hates being shown TV and movies by people because he almost never likes the stuff he's shown. I put my foot down though. I make him watch Firefly. He and I grew up watching Star Wars and Star Trek together, damnit, I know he'll love this. At first, he’s not so sure about Mal as a captain but of course, he comes around (since it's the best show in the verse). I was so grateful for his companionship during this time. We had so many good talks about life. I was sad when the week was over and it was time to take him to the airport.

When I get home it takes everything that I have to not cry.
My apartment is so quiet.
It feels like my heart does, alone.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (The Most Unmerry Christmas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV of our ending.

A year ago today I was a mess. I retreated home to South Florida to be with my family. I was scared and I felt as though I would never be okay again.

December 12, 2010
My dude and I were getting along pretty well, considering what we had been through. We went to Santa Monica and spent the day shopping at  at Third Street Promenade. We had sushi for lunch and I remember even laughing and joking with him. That night was his company's Christmas party. I told him he should go because I always really enjoyed going to any of my company parties.

We got home and he started to get ready to leave. I started thinking about everything and in the pit of my stomach didn't want him to go. They were getting a freaking party bus that would take them to a Lucky Strike (super nice bowling alley). They were all meeting up beforehand to go to BevMo to stock up. I knew she would be a part of that group. 

I was laying on the couch. He comes over to me and gives me a hug and a kiss goodbye. The moment the door closes I freak out. What the hell was I thinking?? There's no way this is a good idea!! Later in the night I started texting him a lot and I can admit that this behavior was crazy. But I unfortunately was never wrong, he always was doing something wrong, he always was hanging out with her. After the party bus brought them back to their work, he, her and a couple of other people went to Pineapple Hill (I hope this place burns to the ground someday) and were hanging out. So the two of them are hanging out. WTF, WTF, WTF! Her boyfriend (the one who I wrote and spoke to about all of this, but was in such great denial that he didn't want to believe me) actually went to the bar and saw the two of them hanging out. (This was STILL not enough to get him to break up with her!!) She followed him out and it was ONLY THEN that my ex decides to leave. When he gets home he is drunk. And angry at me. 

He's drunk so he is able to do what he couldn't do before. 

Break up with me.

I look at him in shock. First over the phone and now drunk. I'm in awe that someone who I've loved for so many years and who loved me for so many years can do this to me.

December 13, 2010
The next day I call my mom. "Mom, I have to get the hell out of here. I need to come home!" She gets me a plane ticket for that Sunday. I go into my boss' office and tell him that I am going to be working remotely from Fort Lauderdale next week. This isn't uncommon as he's even going to be working remotely the week prior to Christmas. I cry in his office.

A few days later it is time for my Christmas party. I was so depressed but I still had a blast. It was on that night that I made the decision to stay in Los Angeles. That I loved it here even if it was without him. I came home that night and told him that I was going home on Sunday. That I would NOT be spending Christmas here with him.

The next day he had a panic attack at work. The reality of his actions finally hit him. I was leaving. I thought we would have more time together he told me over the phone (time together before we parted ways for good). I told him I just couldn't handle all of this and that I needed to be around people that loved me. His sister was so upset that I was leaving him all alone in LA for the holidays. Whatev, it was his own fault.

I've written about how callous this girl is. How seven years and the fact that we were getting married meant nothing to her. Another example: she changes her facebook profile picture to a cropped picture of her from the party. But I can see who was in the picture with her. My man.

December 17

We went out to dinner together. The mood between us was very unique. When you know something is over it changes things. You're no longer holding on. We drank tequila and ate well and laughed. We spoke to one another in a way we hadn't in some time. We even talked openly about her. We flirted. On the walk back home we passionately kissed in the rain.

Saturday and Sunday were like this as well. I don't even remember what we did but I know that we just really enjoyed each others company. It felt like I was really seeing him for the first time in awhile.  I didn't know if we were going to be okay. I hoped with every piece of my soul that we would be. I didn't know how I was going to live without him. 

December 19

I have to leave to go to the airport soon. I freak out and have my own panic attack. This feels like the end of an era. We won't be together for Christmas or New Year's Eve. But I have to do this.

We are standing in the kitchen. The cab will be here shortly. I didn't want him to drive me to the airport. I didn't want to cry in public as we said good bye. He looks scared and nervous. We just had the best weekend together. But what does it mean after everything that has happened? He thinks the time apart could offer us both some clarity. He holds my face and tells me that he thinks we will be okay. My heart hopes that that is true as we kiss.

December 20 - January 3

The next two weeks I could barely leave my mom's apartment in Boca Raton. I couldn't bring myself to go into Fort Lauderdale, it reminded me too much of him. This was really upsetting. I was born and raised in South Florida, spent the first 20 years of my life there. But in he past seven years, every time I was here it was with him. My family and I traveled north to Kissimmee (outside of Orlando) to visit my cousin. All I could think about is if he was with me how we would have gone to Islands of Adventure to see Harry Potter World. 

On Christmas Eve it was the 3 year anniversary of him and I getting engaged.

We finally face timed on Christmas. He didn't want to discuss anything serious though since it was Christmas. It was so nice to talk to him.

The rest of the week was a blur of me crying and hanging out with family. After the new year we face timed again. This time to discuss our future. He decided to move out for a bit and stay with one of our mutual friends. Wow, this is actually happening, he's moving out. I was so upset that it was with this particular person, too. I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, especially female ones and I was angry that he was being "selfish" and "claiming" her. 

I asked my big brother to come back to Los Angeles with me for a week. I really didn't want to be alone but I had to get back to work.

Which brings me to today. I made the decision to stay in Los Angeles for the winter break. Why would anyone choose to spend Christmas alone? I knew that I needed time to  be alone and relax. Last  year this holiday was so messy, chaotic and emotional for me. I wanted to cleanse it, make it neutral so that I can keep moving on. Being still is an ongoing challenge for me. I'm happy to spend time this year with friends and my kids, my dog and cat. I'm so grateful this year to be where I am and to be happy again.

Einstein

Luna Faye

Merry Christmas!!

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (Yeah, I'm writing a letter to your boyfriend)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @ItsMeJoolie

Read my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I, Part II, Part III and Part IV of our ending.

Although it was a strained week, the week my ex's dad was in town was actually a really good week. We had no choice but to act normally and his dad is amazing at planning out vacations so unlike most people that come to visit that have no agenda, he had all these great plans and awesome places he wanted to visit.

I told my ex that in order to move forward I felt as though I needed to tell her boyfriend what was up. I couldn't deal with the idea that he had no idea and she was just playing him. Also, their whole office knew and he was friends with a lot of the people they both worked with, so I felt like I should bring him out of the dark. He wasn't against me writing to him, so I went for it:

I got out of yoga and he called me right at two. Such a weird conversation. I believe we spoke for about 45 minutes. The oddest part about the call? His lack of shock. He told me that he was pretty sure that she had cheated on him before and went on to say that he was 90% sure that one occasion was with one of her college professors and how it sucked because he was friends with the guy. He went on to explain that she has this certain energy that seems to draw people in. The way he explained it really made it seem as though my ex wasn't that important to her, that she had a pattern. I almost felt like I was counseling him. Super weird.

He asked if he could show her my facebook message so that she could understand that her actions actually effect people's lives. It freaked me out to think of her reading the message, but of course I said yes.

I hung up and I felt as though it was a really great, honest conversation. I had really opened up to him and I felt like he had to me.

About a week later I found out that he didn't believe me.

#WTF

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (PT 3 The Messy Middle)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson

At the BiltmoreRead my reservations about writing out this story and here's Part I and Part II of our ending.

Early November

The sad person that picked me up on November 1st quickly went away. The, cold distant person came back. If you are going to get cheated on (hey, it happens) at least the person can get down on one knee, beg your forgiveness, tell you it's a mistake, that will not happen again, apologize profusely, etc. He didn't do this.

November 7, 2010

It's a Sunday and we plan a trip to Venice Beach with a couple of his coworkers. The whole time I kept looking at one of the other couples hanging out that day. They acted like a normal couple, holding hands and walking next to one another. My ex was in no way acting intimate with me. Barely talking to me and certainly not holding my hand or even walking next to me.

The group decides to go into a bar and sit down for a bit and grab a drink. My ex gets up to use the restroom and then the server came over to take our drink order. I order for myself and then I stare blankly at the drink menu for a moment. My ex and I could always successfully order for one another. His coworker looks up at me and says, "He probably wants a hefeweizen." I ordered for him and felt my heart sink. This dude knew more about my fiancé then I did. I couldn't fucking take it.

I excuse myself and go downstairs to call a friend. "Hey, do you know of anyone who is looking for a roommate?" The week prior I had filled her in on what had been going on with us. Her and I spoke briefly about apartment options and then we continue to text back and forth for a bit for the next hour. I had to excuse myself at least 5 times from the group to continue to speak with her. He never even asked me what I was up to. Later he said he thought I was just going to the bathroom. Anyone who gave half a shit about a person would have been like, “What’s wrong with you?”

Venice BeachI've never felt as invisible as I did on that day. I've never been made to feel so unimportant. When we got home I explained this to him and he was clueless. I was totally overcome with sadness and told him that I needed to get away. I planned a trip to visit my friends in Asheville, NC. Los Angeles can be lonely since all of my family and at the time, all of my friends, lived on the east coast. I just needed to be around people that knew me and that loved me. Well, if your partner has just told you that he and his coworker have made out a couple of times in front of a bar, leaving the state might not be the best idea. But I wasn't really thinking clearly at this point. I was distraught and I just knew that I needed to get away.

November 11, 2010

I head to North Carolina. It was so great to see my friends. They were in a long term relationship and had dealt with cheating in their relationship so they were great to bounce things off of and talk with. "If one person cheats do you automatically throw in the towel? Do you give them a second chance? Do you take some responsibility? Maybe they felt you weren't paying attention to them." The trip was a great distraction at first, my friend and I toured the Biltmore estate, it was so beautiful in the fall. The yellow and red leaves were breathtaking. Then Friday night came. I got a phone call from my ex. He informs me that he is going out to the bar after work with everyone from work. I beg him not to. He argues that I am not home and what is he supposed to do tonight? I tell him that he is just asking for trouble by putting himself in this situation. But this version of him is obsessed with going out and partying (This is also part of his attraction to her, she is super outgoing and they rally everyone to go out together. He sees her as a partner in partying). More begging on my part. He goes out that night anyways. I am sitting on my friend's couch thousands of miles away, unable to stop him, and crying. I fell asleep while watching Arrested Development that night. I lay there until my eyes just wouldn't, couldn't stay open any longer.

The next day I distract myself by going zip lining. It was an epic adventure (I believe in Zen through adventure, btw. Life gets tough, do something crazy). Later my ex and I talk on the phone. It was a pretty normal conversation. We hung up when he said he needed to get something from our neighbors Danny and Ellen and he’ll call me right back. 15 minutes later he called me back and it was as though I was speaking to a completely different person. It sounded as though he was crying. I asked him what was wrong and I told him everything was going to be okay. He told me that I needed to stop being so nice to him, that he didn't deserve it. My heart sank into my stomach, making me nauseous. He's feeling guilty. Oh no, what happened last night? He tells me that he needs to talk to me but doesn't want to do it over the phone. Well, thanks, but by saying that, I can kinda figure out where this is going. After drilling him for a few minutes, I don't think he intended to do this but he then basically breaks up with me over the phone. Aside from obviously breaking my heart, this really pissed me off. After over 7 years together I deserve much, much better than getting broken up with over the phone! He should have played it cool until I got back into town. I had to go and wake up my friend because I was hysterically crying. She stayed up and talked to me. She gave me a Xanax to help me calm down and I spent another night crying myself to sleep while watching Arrested Development.

November 14, 2010

At this point, I really really did not want to go home, but I needed to be at work on Monday. My ex picks me up at the airport and it was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. When I saw him I didn't know what to do. I can't even remember if we hugged or not. The luggage from my flight took an extraordinary amount of time to actually make it onto the conveyor belt. We stood like 10 feet away from each other in silence. It was beyond weird. I couldn't even believe that this was what we had become. Big Boi was standing right next to me and I didn’t even care. (LITERALLY! Big Boi from Outkast was on the flight as we had connected through Atlanta.)

That night he offered to sleep on the couch but I asked him to please sleep with me in the bed. We talked for a bit and finally I remember asking him, "Can you just give me another chance?" (side note: this dude cheated on me because we had grown so far apart and I am asking HIM to give ME another chance. What the fuckity fuck?) I held my breath. "Yes", he said quietly. We proceeded to have super hot, passionate make up sex.

I had no idea that by the end of that week I would learn a whole lot about what had gone down on Halloween and while I was out of town in a crazy night comparable to an episode of Cheaters.

----

That was my past, but here's my present: I am doing great right now. Life is amazing. I look back at my posts from only a couple of weeks ago where I recognize that there is a small chance that we could get back together. I don't want that anymore. I've been dating and it's been fun. I'm excited for the future and I don't need to relive the past.

#nerdsunite

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter

#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride (What I'm thankful for)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Julie! She's my roomie, we met on Craiglist, and she is 1,000 flavors of everything awesome sauce. The reason why she had a room in her apartment however is a mighty long story. See, Julie was dating a duderino for 8 years. Yep, they were engaged to be wed and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. Now the engagement is off and Julie is attempting to heal from her loss; these series of posts are her best attempt. HIT IT JULIE! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's ItsMeJoolie

I have so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. My job, all of my amazing friends, my pets and all the fun that I have had in the past few months.

But I am most thankful for me. For my strength. For not giving up on me. For not giving up on my life. It would have been so easy to let everything fall apart. To have stayed under the covers crying. To have not gone into work or just given up.

But I didn't.

I took my mess of a life and put each and every piece back together.

I made numerous decisions to work on bettering me, to build out the parts of my life that were lacking. I made the best decision ever; to stop waiting for life to find me and get out there and find life! Run to meet it and give it a high five.

Yes, I do miss parts of my old life, but I love this new life even more. I feel reborn and blessed.

This whole journey is what brought me to Talk Nerdy To Me Lover and to you, the readers. Thank you for all of the comments about my writing and for all of the love.

Be thankful for the good in your life and try to never let the bad overshadow the amazing.

#thanksgiving

 Click here to follow Julie on Twitter