<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
I Can't Adjust.
I feel awful this week. I'm so frustrated with life. With every.single.aspect. of my life.
I still miss my ex (duh!) and that there is no easy answer for that situation. I either just deal with missing him until the pain subsides or get back together with him and deal with everyone thinking I'm an idiot. Ugh, that's not even an option. I can't even get back together with him. I can't if he keeps his current job. I am not able to be a part of his life while he works there. Period. He just started working in a different (better) department and is hoping to get promoted again. I don't even want to compete against working on Marvel movies (which was a life goal for him). He came by the other night to collect some mail and as I listened to him talking about future plans at this company my heart just fell. I can't ask him to leave since I can't guarantee that even if he did I would want to be with him again, I wouldn't want him to resent me. This is the whole reason we moved out to Los Angeles! He's complained so much about the job in the past that I was hoping he would organically leave the company on his own accord.
His job literally haunts me. I can't even go anywhere without seeing fucking movie posters for every movie his company has worked on! It's December, I'm in Florida, dying inside and there are movie posters everywhere for Gulliver's Travels. It's April and Thor posters are all over Hollywood. Rinse and repeat with Captain America. It's torture! And the fact that it's stuff I like, that people expect me to see and talk to me about is just so painful.
For the rest of time his name will be on the credits with hers. Always.
Yet, I still can't even comprehend the concept of dating. Of dealing with someone else's shit. Not right now.
My self-esteem is just hovering, up and down, up and down. Being left by the person you love most in the world does a nice job of making you feel like shit.
I'm worried that I am not attractive enough to get the attention of guys that I find attractive. I have horrible self esteem issues, not with my body, but with my face, or even more specifically, my nose. I think about getting a nose job at least once a week.
Then there are a couple of random things that are bothering me:
High School reunion: Yes, it's $500 for a plane ticket that I really don't have the money for but I really don't want to go because practically everyone is married or at least in a relationship. It's sad that I'm surely more successful than many of these people and yet this one aspect makes me feel ashamed (it's a trade-off; my success and my ex's success and the fast-paced LA lifestyle that cost us our relationship vs. slower suburban lifestyle with more time to spend with family).
Friend's wedding. Super excited for her. Not jealous or angry that I didn't get married. Just sad that I have to go alone.My ex's good friend (whom I've known now for 8 years) is getting married and I can't celebrate with him.
I'm also just freaking out over completely normal things that I am just completely not used to:
Dudes at work showing interest in me. One dude sometimes says things to me that are kinda inappropriate and since I've only known him since I've been single I wonder if he would pull that shit if I was engaged/married.
Friends and co-workers making comments about me and this other guy I work with. I want to be like, "Yo! Get outta ma bizznizz people!"
People offering to fix me up. I know they're trying to help but it makes me feel like I'm something broken that people want to fix.
Having to turn dudes down because I'm not interested (I'm not interested in anyone right now, don't take it personally)
Adjusting to this new life is exhausting.
My survivor mode is wearing off. This weird abundance of energy that I had after the shock is slowing down. The extra passion I had for life, the need to prove myself is wearing off and I'm left feeling tired and hopeless.
I'm literally getting physically exhausted by trying to hang out with people. I just want to turn my back on the world and be alone. But then Ill complain about being lonely, lol. This is usually when I dream about running away and living out the rest of my days in Key West; fishing everyday for food and ending the day with a beer at sundown.
In brighter news - I went skydiving on Sunday!! And it was awesome!
Need some help nerds: What should I say moving forward when people ask me why I came out to LA? The real reason is because of my ex. I DON'T WANT TO SAY THIS ANYMORE! People give me this "Oh, guess it didn't work out" look. I super hate lying, but I'm willing to give it a go.
<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after he cheated on her; they were together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Letters
Letter to Her I wrote this letter over a month ago and must have completely pushed it out of my brain because it hurt so much. I was in a really deep, sad place. I just found it last night. I realize that my anger towards her isn’t exactly justified; that it should go into the anger I feel towards my ex but since when is jealously sane?
XXXX,
First off, I am well aware that it takes two. I also know that you owe me nothing. These facts do not help my anger.
He had many female friends over the course of 7 years. The difference and my mistake was that although I was good friends with all of them I wasn’t with you.
Instinct is an amazing thing. We’re so far removed from needing to use our instincts that when that voice inside whispers at us, we think we’re just being crazy. But I remember you texting him late at night when him and I were watching TV after work. I remember thinking, “Hey, I don’t text my male co-workers this late at night.” I thought texts after a certain time of night carried a different meaning. I had no reason to think of you differently than any other female friend, but a red flag went up inside of my head. I couldn’t explain the feeling.
He started talking about you a lot. Initially I wasn’t surprised. You guys work crazy-long hours. I even met and talked to you at a couple of parties.
At some point the friendship you guys had turned to more. Throw in alcohol and you’re making out with my fiancé in front of a shitty bar in Sherman Oaks.
Here’s what you didn’t have to do:
Come to MY fucking house for our Halloween party. Let me watch him flirt with you in front of my face. Sit on my couch and take tons of pictures of yourself with my dog and post them on facebook.
Have sex with him somewhere in or around my apartment when I went of town. I still don’t know where. He tried to tell me some crap story about in your car in our carport. I guess I should be grateful you two waited until we were technically broken up, but again, that’s not your concern.
Repeatedly lie to your ridiculously devoted boyfriend about all of it.
Get surprised when we didn’t get married. What the fuck did you think was going to happen?
I think about how dramatically my life has changed in 8 months and how much how your life has stayed exactly the same. Your boyfriend doesn’t know what I know. You’re such a good manipulator that he didn’t believe me when I tried to tell him the truth back in November. Even after he told me that he was pretty sure you had done this before, slept with various other men in committed relationships, including a college professor. But he loves you, he loves you so much he’s willing to be ignorant. You are a horrible person and you have a man that loves you and stays by your side and I have no one. You manipulate him, getting him to allow you to be able to sleep with other women, convincing him that it’s not cheating if it’s with a girl. I never bothered to try and tell him what really happened between you and my fiancé since he didn’t believe me the first time. I’m over it and don’t even want the bad karma of ruining your life.
So I sit here on what should be the celebration of 8 years together, thinking of him and thinking of you. I feel so very, very alone. I AM alone today. I haven’t made contact with anyone other than strangers at Target and about two hours of conversation with my mom to keep me from hurting myself.
You are beyond lucky that your job didn’t have an HR department at the time. Anywhere else and you both would have been fired. Instead, you just got a promotion.
It’s people like you that make me hope and pray that Karma does in fact exist. I hope one day you can understand what you’ve put me through. That said, I’m so fucking scared of the day I see you in person. I honestly don’t know if I can stop myself from punching you in the face. Which scares me, because I’m not that kind of person.
But for you, I’ll make an exception.
- Julie
Letter to all women While I’m on the topic of feeling betrayed by another woman let’s talk about The Girl Code.
Don’t laugh. I know that it doesn’t exist.
First, remember that some men will say anything to sleep with you, including telling you that she doesn’t mean anything, their sex life is non-existent, the relationship is dead or practically over. These things may even be true.
But since the fact that he’s with someone doesn’t matter to many and since so many of us seem to be unable to control ourselves I’m going to ask that The Girl Code contain just ONE thing ladies:
When you’re thinking of fucking that guy that you KNOW has a girlfriend/fiancée/wife that he lives with, do the girl you’re shitting on one small courtesy. Go back to your place. Or your mom’s. Or a damn truck stop. Wherever.
Just don’t fuck HER man on HER bed. Or HER couch. You’re doing enough. Does she really need to sleep in your sex?
Welcome to the next level ... HIZZUAH!!! For realsy, reals, reals ... thank you guys for the support with these posts. I cannot believe the emotions that are just coming up that I am able to let go of. It's weird to be over someone in that traditional sense, but still feel wounded. You ABSOLUTELY have to heal the wound. It's bat shit how good this feels. I kinda wanna bottle it up, and sell it ... and then market it ... and like buy a company car ... and like put blow up dolls in the passenger seat of it so I can ride in the carpool lane ... and like no one will notice. Am I still talking? Shut up Jen.
(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)
HIT IT TONIC!
Before I moved in with the mentalist, I flew out to LA a couple times to kick it with him. On one of the trips he got this call from this chick saying she was in San Diego, and asked if he wanted to hang out. I was all, fuck yah! I love the San Dizzle! Got in the car, and 2 hours later - BAM there we be. Get there, meet the chickies - and omg ... bless their hearts - no seriously, these girls are super super super sweet ... but holy fuck, dumb. Honestly though, I feel like this was a geographic educational system thing. I grew up in Connecticut - we are bred to piss excellence, they're from Minnesota. It is just a very. very. very. different way of life. Personality wise, these girls though are just the nicest people on the planet. I would just say things to them, and one of the girls kept saying - I have no idea what you just said. It was one of those.
Needless to say, we got off on kind of a weird foot. But again, I just love people in general, so I can tone down a bit of my geek speak age, and just roll. It came up at one point when I was down there that these chicks had wanted to move to LA. The mentalist said, hey, why don't you guys live in my apartment while I'm on tour? The girls said FUCK YES!!!! Got really excited ... went home ... and got their affairs together to move out a few months later.
It is now a few months later.
I was really really really nervous about living with these girls. Like really nervous. I just didn't think I would be able to click with them - frankly, I was supposed to be gone at that point, the fact that I was still there was courtesy of some arm twisting ... isn't this fun, dear? I make life so easy for you - you don't want me to leave. OOHHHH the people pleaser! They are never pleased.
So these chickadees move in, again on the air mattress ... in the living room ... the sucky part about that living arrangement though was that the bathroom was in the bedroom. Anytime anyone had to go to the bathroom, they had to walk through the bedroom. That got weird a couple of times.
HAHAHA!! Dude, plus this one time, I was going down on him in the kitchen and one of the girls walked in and then stormed right out. They were so pissed. Sorry, man! We had a lot of sex. It's a beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful thing.
So, now these chicks are in the living room ... and the mentalist had asked everyone at one point if they wouldn't mind helping him with his career. He wanted to reach out to some magazines etc. for press. One of the girls was TOTALLY on board! So she started putzin away ... I then said that I can help make some videos for him. GREAT! He said!!! I sat down grabbed some of his files and such, and just went to town. He had wanted to book more gigs as a motivational speaker (yeah, fucking irony at its finest) - so I said I could take some footage from one of his shows and turn it into a sizzle.
I literally spent all day on that thing. The footage was shotty at best - it was BADDDDD!! BUT! I am proud to say, it came out pretty well.
At one point though during the tough day of editing - his phone rang, it was brownie girl. He said that he was going to talk to her, and end things since she clearly wasn't getting a hint. He grabbed the dish of hers from the top of the fridge, and said he would brb. He didn't have a desk in his house, so I had to edit at the kitchen counter ... on a bar stool. Most painful thing EVER!!! The way the apartment was set up however, my back was to the door. I am a phenomenally driven individual - if I am writing a post, or editing a video ... don't fuck with me. I'm in my zone, most likely in a hoodie - it's one of those things, no noise, no bothering ... leave me be, this is my art.
I can't describe it, but I had the WORST feeling ever about not only her, but in the pit of my stomach at that very moment. Something didn't feel right ... at all. Like no, I cannot stress this enough - SOMETHING DID NOT FEEL RIGHT. I got up from editing (again, something I would NEVER do when I am working), grabbed my car keys, went into the parking garage, and just got in my car. I didn't really know where I was going to go, or what I was going to do when I got there ... I just needed to not be there when he got back.
I wound up going down the street to a Starbucks, and I just sat there in this weird haze. I literally have no idea how to articulate this feeling that something did not make sense. He kept telling me this was just a fan, a girl with a silly crush - but the way this chick was acting didn't make sense. She had to be receiving some sort of validation from him in some regard to keep it up. He's a charming dude and all, but girls would absolutely give up at this point. This chick was RELENTLESS - I kept asking why?
1 and 1 were not equalling 2. I'm a nerd, this shit will bother me until I can come to a logical conclusion - I don't ever stop trying to figure things out.
I get a text "LOL where are you?" I literally remember that exact text. Anytime he knew he did something either wrong, or wasn't being genuine - he would put a LOL in front of it. (Of course obviously this was only in text, or online - he didn't actually say LOL IRL cause WTF I'd start ROFLMAO.) I said I was down the street and would be back soon. I stayed gone for only about 15 more minutes, and headed back to the house. He was leaving that night to go back on tour, and I went in to lay on his bed and help him pack. It was weird, I felt like shit, but the second I walked into the bedroom it was this moment of - oh look what I have over here, videos of some of my old performances ... let's watch! Misdirection much?
We started watching the videos, and this stuff always intrigued me. I loved looking at baby pics of him, movies, anything - I was in love ... chicks dig that shit. He knew that would get me to shut up and stop asking questions.
The next morning, he went off on his tour - and all was pretty bueno. Put it out of my mind ... and just went back to doin what I was doin. One morning, one of the girls stopped me in the living room and asked how did I know the mentalist was being faithful? I was like, what do you mean? He'd tell me if he had sex with someone else! It's part of his job - he has to be available. She looked at me, with those big doe eyes, and asked are you sure? OF COURSE! I said! See that, that was me thinking I was smarter than her ... and me thinking what could you know about the awesomeness that is our relationship?
A couple weeks go by, the girls landed a casting for this music video being shot at this club. HAHA! This is so LA, btw - it's a prerequisite that within your first year of moving here, you will ABSOLUTELY be in a music video. It's a thing, we own it. One of the girls comes back from the music video session COMPLETELY freaking out - OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! You're NEVER going to believe who was there at that shoot? Who I said?
BROWNIE GIRL!!!!
Wha, wha, what??? See, the girls had never met brownie girl face to face, but they had heard ALL about her - and seen a picture. Brownie girl, however, must have known that these two girls were staying with the mentalist because she completely made a bee line for them. I am dead serious when I say that this chick was a fucking psycho bitch. I would not at ALL be surprised if she peeked in the windows and shit. It was super easy to do, and totally freaked me out.
So, brownie girl starts talking to the girls ... telling them that she's in love! Dating this mind reader (she was playing coy at first, and then said wait, you're staying with that same mentalist? weirdo) ... they've been serious since the spring (it was now early fall). She's in love. love. love. love. The girls were shocked. What is this chick ON?! She cannot be for real. Bitches be crazy, don't get me wrong ... but again, girls will move on if they receive no validation of their emotions in that regard. No one gets THAT hung up unless we're talking restraining order territory.
The girls didn't tell me at first all of the details of their interaction. They had made a pact to each other to not say anything to me about it. Remember, they were friends with the mentalist first and foremost. I know girl code, I know ... I know ... but also, these chicks tried telling me on NUMEROUS occasions that he was seeing other people. Love is blind - you choose to see what you want to see.
HAHAHAAHAH!! Connect and share is RIGHT! A few days later though, a Facebook message comes in to one of the girls - yep, it was brownie girl. She sends this LOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG email with clips of texts he sent her, that she doesn't know why he's pulling back after he said that she loved him ... and wait for it, wait for it, that she's also pregnant with his child (THIS IS JERRY SPRINGER SHIT!!!! CANT MAKE THIS UP!!!!).
The girls freak out, and show me the email.
I remember vividly sitting on the couch reading all of it - and it just absolutely did not sink in. I started crying. Like crying crying.
I ran out of the apartment, and sat over by the pool. I started hyperventilating. I calmed myself down, and walked back into the apartment. I said, wait, she's GOT to be crazy! He needs to get a restraining order!!!! The girls looked at me, stunned. Yes - I really was that thick headed. Even in that moment, reading all of that on the screen - in black and white ... er, it's Facebook, so white and blue ... I still thought this was some big lie. (Hilarious too since I thought I was the smart one in general in this scenario.)
One of the girls piped up and said Jen ... remember the day you were editing that video and he gave her the dish? I said yeah. She goes, what do you think they were doing? I said, what do you mean what do I think they were doing? Talking. He was basically telling her to fuck off. They looked at each other, then looked back at me - what I said? What do you know? One of the girls got up and left the apartment saying, I cannot be a part of this. I can't do this. I can't!!!
SPIT IT OUT I SCREAMED!!!!! She grabbed my hands and said, well, when you had your back to the door - he came back in a few minutes after leaving and grabbed his car keys. He motioned to me with his finger to his mouth to not say anything to you. He later told me that she gave him head in the car.
I said, wait! WHAT!!!!! How is that possible??? No! No! NOOO!!! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!
Then, logic took over, and I thought ... omg, FUCK! I WALKED RIGHT PAST HIS CAR WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE GARAGE!!!!
Yep, like 10 feet away from my car as I was pulling away, he was puttin it in. Charming, right?
Alrite - gonna take a breather. Wow. Putting this all on paper is just the most liberating thing imaginable.
Next up, I'll tell you all how I confronted him, about the pregnancy, and oh yeah - did I mention that this story only gets more intense from here? FUCKING CRAZY.
I ask as a favor to the community for comments, tweets, whatever to be INCREDIBLY gentle. These are very raw wounds I am exposing, and I am incredibly embarrassed by how fucking stupid I was regarding this individual ... but its a part of life, and this is my next doable action.
Thanks so so so much for reading. You have no idea how good it feels to just let these feelings out.
Friday, August 12, 2011 at 3:55PM
