#Fears 3 & 4 - looking like a wimp and being judged.
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard
Fears 3 and 4 are similar, so I’m going to lump those together. My fear of looking like a wimp, and my fear of judgement. I wasn’t treated great by my dad, especially after the age of 11 or 12. I’m pretty sure he wanted boys, so he did his best to raise my sister and I like boys. He would say things like never start a fight, but you better finish it. Or why do you complain so much? He encouraged my sister and I to fist fight, and we weren’t allowed to have pain, sickness or needs.
When I was in high school I developed a severe case of bursitis in my shoulder from playing volleyball and the violin. It was incredibly painful, and there wasn’t much that could be done for it. So I just wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I remember walking through Kmart with him one day, and I walked behind him the entire time because tears of pain were streaming down my face, and I knew if he saw he would publicly humiliate me. Pain, weakness and needs were very much looked down on. Weak people don’t succeed, and whining about things only makes the people around you suffer. To this day I rarely complain about pain, and I never cry about it. Honestly, I had a terrible birth experience, surgery on my naughty bits, and two c-sections. I try to just suck it up and move on. I am still not okay with looking weak. I have survived a lot, and my life has always been difficult - I am tough as hell, and want people to see that. I now understand that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. I’m okay with vulnerability. Weakness, not so much.
All of these things with my dad also compound me not wanting to be judged. The older I get the more I’m okay with it. I’m getting better at owning myself, and being okay with my weirdness, my choices and my faults. That will be a lifelong battle, as it is for everyone. What I really have a hard time with is judgements over things that aren’t a choice. I can’t stand racism, even though as a white woman it doesn’t so much affect me. Race is not a choice. Neither is sexual orientation, so don’t judge. Being trashy is a choice, so if I’m being a trashwhore, judge away. But if I’m choosing not to eat spicy food because it eats holes in my mouth, that’s not really a choice. Don’t judge me for it. Or do...but understand that I am going to fight back with a massive amount of ferocity.
My choices are my choices, and I made them with the best intentions. Agree or disagree, I don’t care either way. Just know that while I love input, my choices are still my choices. And unless they are affecting your life, you don’t really get to be bothered by them, do you? I suppose I don’t fear being judged, I just hate it. Really hate it. It makes me mad mad mad.
How do you feel about it? I would love your opinion on this one.
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@JenSquard | tagged don't judge, facing fears, jen squard, jen swedhin, life caster, lifecasting, wimp | 
