#Fears 3 & 4 - looking like a wimp and being judged.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Fears 3 and 4 are similar, so I’m going to lump those together. My fear of looking like a wimp, and my fear of judgement.  I wasn’t treated great by my dad, especially after the age of 11 or 12.  I’m pretty sure he wanted boys, so he did his best to raise my sister and I like boys.  He would say things like never start a fight, but you better finish it.  Or why do you complain so much?  He encouraged my sister and I to fist fight, and we weren’t allowed to have pain, sickness or needs.  

When I was in high school I developed a severe case of bursitis in my shoulder from playing volleyball and the violin.  It was incredibly painful, and there wasn’t much that could be done for it.  So I just wasn’t allowed to talk about it.  I remember walking through Kmart with him one day, and I walked behind him the entire time because tears of pain were streaming down my face, and I knew if he saw he would publicly humiliate me.  Pain, weakness and needs were very much looked down on.  Weak people don’t succeed, and whining about things only makes the people around you suffer.  To this day I rarely complain about pain, and I never cry about it.  Honestly, I had a terrible birth experience, surgery on my naughty bits, and two c-sections.  I try to just suck it up and move on.  I am still not okay with looking weak.  I have survived a lot, and my life has always been difficult - I am tough as hell, and want people to see that.  I now understand that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak.  I’m okay with vulnerability.  Weakness, not so much.

All of these things with my dad also compound me not wanting to be judged.  The older I get the more I’m okay with it.  I’m getting better at owning myself, and being okay with my weirdness, my choices and my faults.  That will be a lifelong battle, as it is for everyone.  What I really have a hard time with is judgements over things that aren’t a choice.  I can’t stand racism, even though as a white woman it doesn’t so much affect me.  Race is not a choice.  Neither is sexual orientation, so don’t judge.  Being trashy is a choice, so if I’m being a trashwhore, judge away.  But if I’m choosing not to eat spicy food because it eats holes in my mouth, that’s not really a choice.  Don’t judge me for it.  Or do...but understand that I am going to fight back with a massive amount of ferocity.  

My choices are my choices, and I made them with the best intentions.  Agree or disagree, I don’t care either way.  Just know that while I love input, my choices are still my choices.  And unless they are affecting your life, you don’t really get to be bothered by them, do you?  I suppose I don’t fear being judged, I just hate it.  Really hate it.  It makes me mad mad mad.  

How do you feel about it?  I would love your opinion on this one.
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Fear #2: Not Being Accepted

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Even though I have discovered the basis of my fears, I think exploring the manifestations of my insecurities will be a helpful thing to do.  It is going to be a crappy thing to do, but I’m gonna do it.  

I know that fearing not being accepted comes from not feeling good enough.  My need for acceptance isn’t something that I have ever shared before - I have always put out up a front of not caring, not needing anyone’s acceptance...but it’s true...I crave acceptance.  I try hard to get it, I am a closet people pleaser.  

It’s really only people that I respect or admire that I want that acceptance from.  Smart people, funny people, cool people...I hate being judged, and if I’m not accepted I’m obviously being judged for some reason.  I don’t bend or conform, so I just want to be accepted for who I am.  Totally unfounded, by the way.  I have been accepted most of my life.  People like me, and I have something to offer.  But it’s not enough, I’m needy as hell apparently.  I want to be everyone’s favorite, too.  I love to be loved, and love to be appreciated, and I want to be special.  

What the hell?  People don’t have time for crap like that.  I am so very aware that the only lives I am important to live with me.  I’m not needy, so this is stupid.  

I am just going to say I don’t care if I am accepted into the TNTML community.  I want to connect with people, but I don’t need anyone’s acceptance.  I don’t care if I am accepted into the TNTML family.  You are all amazing people, and I am honored to be on the same level as you, but you don’t have to accept me.  I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.  So failing to accept that is your problem.  

What’s that you’re smelling?  Is that what the Rock is cooking?  No, that’s the stench of a murdered fear.  

#IAmEnough

#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am enough.  That’s a huge huge thing to accept.  And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears.  Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever.  Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.  

After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is.  Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave.  It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it.  But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel.  I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list.  Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure.  I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens.  It is only a failure if I consider it a failure.  Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.

I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*.  It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.  

We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing.  I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak.  And who wants to be weak?  Not this badass bitch!  No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness.  It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way.  And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance.  *sigh*

What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me?  What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot?  How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough?  But I am enough.  So I don’t need your feedback.  I don’t need your acceptance.  I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears.  That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done.  My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.

#IAmEnough

Follow my transformation on Twitter and Facebook - and feel free to send me your stories, I would love to hear about your journey! 

Fear #1: Fear of #Failure

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Atychiphobia - Fear of Failure

My confidence in myself as a person is pretty high.  I’m awesome and blah blah blah.  But I’m so incredibly scared of failing.  I don’t worry about my marriage failing.  That is solid, and if it does it was just not meant to happen.  My fear of looking stupid is masking itself as this assumption that I am going to fail at everything.  I’m not stupid.  I’m not.  $40,000 in student loans got racked up to validate that I’m not stupid.  But every time I don’t succeed at something I just know everyone is looking at me like I’m an idiot.  It was dumb to start the business.  The idea for the business was stupid.  I didn’t try hard enough.  I’m not as good.  I’m not good enough.  

Thinking about it now, failing in front of my husbands parents is the thing I worry about the most.  Probably because they play the comparison game.  I should be more like my brother-in-law, or my sister-in-law...Jon started a business and is doing so great...Mandy went back to school and is doing so great....meh.  Doesn’t matter that circumstances are different, it’s just a constant be better, make more money, don’t ruin Brian’s life.  

I started two businesses before my photography.  Each were successful-ish, just not great businesses for making money.  They took took took and didn’t give much back.  So I quit.  That’s so embarrassing, I quit at something because it just wasn’t working.  I failed.  I’m not even comfortable talking about them because I feel so stupid for trying them in the first place.  One was a custom invitation company, and the other was all natural dog treats.  Both did well, but the profit margin wasn’t enough to sustain.

I know to live is to fail.  Whatever.  To fail is to look stupid.  And I’M NOT STUPID.  When Jen told me I wasn’t hitting the mark with lifecasting, it made me sooo mad!  I was pissed, and so embarrassed.  Here is someone that knows how to do it, that I am trying hard for, and it just isn’t good enough.  I am taking time away from my job and my family to lifecast, and it’s not good enough.  That makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough.  I am failing at life if I am failing at lifecasting.  What is the point in doing it if I am just going to suck it up.  I don’t want people to see me as not smart, or not good enough, or as a whiner or whatever...because maybe it will mean that I actually am those things.  I don’t want to look stupid because in my mind that means I am stupid.  I have tried hard my whole life to prove my father wrong.  That I’m not stupid, I’m good enough, I have something to offer the world...so if I fail, then he is right.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  Why waste the time of the TNTML community and family if I’m not good enough.  Why waste the time of my clients if I’m not good enough.  I’m stealing from people by taking their money for photography because I’m not good enough.

I can’t fail.  I can’t.  I can’t face anyone for not being good enough.  The negative people will have won and will have been right - I am an idiot.  I am a waste of space and breath, and time.  So I suppose this fear of failing is less about failing and more about being inadequate and looking stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint.  I don’t want to disappoint Jen, who took a risk by asking me to lifecast with her.  This is her brand and her name, I don’t want to be the fuckup that couldn’t cut it.  I don’t want to make her look stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint my husband who has supported me and let me sink so much money into my businesses.  I don’t want to disappoint myself and find out that I’m not as awesome as I claim to be.  To live is to fail....it’s the aftermath that scares me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on my fears. Tweet me: @JenSquard

Facebook me: @jenswedhinphotography

email me: mangotreelover@hotmail.com

#BabySteps - My 9 Fears

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

After Jen told me she thought I was in a rut, it really took me down.  Like immediately.  I felt like I was doing good, I have been sharing and getting raw (seriously, the cheating post took so much out of me that I was hurting for days after writing it).  I don't get incredibly raw with every single thing I post, because not everything I post calls for that.  I thought I was doing good, and finding out that I'm not hitting the mark just cut me. 

Jen asked me to look into my fears, so I did.  I consider myself a pretty fearless person (oh my god, I am totally scared of alligators, but what can you do about that? I would totally touch one if I had the chance, but I don't want to think about that right now).  I will do just about anything, eat anything, say anything...I go for it.  I honestly do.  I can't remember a time when an opportunity was presented that I didn't take because of a fear.  Actually I can - in Ecuador in 2004 our entire group got the chance to swing on a vine in the rainforest.  Actual thick amazing vine hanging from a tree.  But I passed.  I didn't think I would be strong enough, and I didn't want to accidentally let go and fall in front of everyone.  Totally totally regret it to this day.  Things make me uncomfortable, but I like the growth of facing it.  But I have some emotional fears....and once I started listing them, I knew I found the right one when acknowledging them broke me down. 

This is a kind of discomfort that I have a hard time facing.  I had a shitty dad, and most of these stem from him.  I didn't get the chance to grow, and messing up or saying the wrong thing often held significant consequences.  I was belittled CONSTANTLY, and humiliation was just the way our day went.  When I had my first real boyfriend in high school, my dad made him go to dinner with us (he took us to Wendy's, thanks for going all out), and while we were standing in line with tons of people around us, he made sure to point out that I inherited a family trait - a mustache.  Devastating for a 14 year old girl in front of her 17 year old boyfriend.  Pretty typical, though.  So here are my nine fears.  I'll explore one every day.  I think more than that will wreck me for the month, and I still have to function.  Unlike today where I was useless - apparently being told you aren't living up to expectations while being on your period during a full moon is a recipe for disaster. 

#1 - failing

#2 - not being accepted

#3 - looking like a wimp

#4 - being judged

#5 - disappointing

#6 - Brian dying

#7 - losing a child

#8 - being a waste of a person

#9 - being poor forever

Before I get started, I want to point out that I know some of these things are silly to some people.  I understand that they don't define me and I should move on, or just disregard them.  It doesn't work that way, though.  Having these fears and feelings embarrasses me, and makes me feel like a puss, so just ignoring them and knowing they are unfounded isn't going to make things better.  Just a disclaimer.  Having said that, I could use some support through this journey...it isn't going to be easy.

Shoot me a tweet and let me know your thoughts: @JenSquard