#Truth: There Is No Perfect Opener

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Guys Are Too Concerned About Their Opening Line

We tend to freak out thinking about what we might say. Men will spend a lot of time focusing on the rightmagic pickup line. If there was such an elusive line, I think someone would have figured it out by now. I think it is funny that people still think this “unicorn” is out there.

I get a lot of questions that start off like this:

    “There is this one girl who blah blahblah so what do I say to her?”

Unfortunately, there is no perfect thing to say.  Say whatever comes to your mind right there and then. It is a risk you have to take if you want to meet her.

Every time I open my mouth, I take a risk and I am very comfortable with that. Sometimes it will go great and other times it will blow up in my face. That’s the risk. You have no idea what that person has been through that day, nor do you know how they are feeling in that exact moment. It’s always a gamble.

The biggest thing you have to know is that you might not be able to control other person’s moods and/or life, but you can control your responses. If she blows you out, you have to be fine with that. That’s just the natural law of things.

It’s A Game of Not Caring about The Results

I will always give it a shot if I want something. I understand that I might not be able to get it, but I will at least try, and give it my best attempt, and I feel that isn’t true of everyone. I have so much in my life right now because I wanted it, and I took a chance for it.

Laziness?

It seems in this age of information and “I want it now” mentality, that if things don’t come easy, then nobody wants to go for it. “Oh, there is not a pill for that”? and “What do you mean there is no app for that?” seem to be echoed through the halls of laziness more and more often these days.

A Few Things About The Debacle of What To Say

Of course, smiling will always go a long way, as well as great eye contact. For me, the one thing that changed the situation was committing to the interaction, which is just going right in with authority and saying whatever comes to mind. Usually it would be something stupid and silly to spark some laughter. Things just seemed to snowball after that.

The sillier the comment I made, the easier it was for me to continue the interaction in a positive, fun and playful way that always lead to being introduced to more people or getting the phone numbers of super-cute girls.

“Excuse me, did you just grab my ass?” seemed to work every time some nights. And because of how silly and stupid it was, I would be forced to be in a somewhat of a sillier mood that was just as light and playful as the words I was using.

It’s Never About The Words

Instead, it’s always about how they are said. We don’t have these issues through texts and e-mail — the words mean what the words are. I have seen many social people get flamed for trying to put an emotion in e-mails or texts because that is how they are used to communicating. The opposite is true too, the introverted computer kid has a hard time in a nightclub because he is a bit too logical in his communication.

It starts from being in a goofy, playful mood, being that ten year old boy or girl we used to be. Coming back to that and going out with that mindset will go along way. People go out looking for fun.

Be that person who allows everyone else to have fun.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com

#Fact: Talk to Women as if Nothing is At Stake

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

The three easiest women to talk to are usually the women you find unattractive, women who are married to friends of yours, or women who are paid to be friendly to you like waitresses, clothing store clerks, bartenders, etc. Why are these women easy to talk to? Because you don’t want ugly women, you know that service people are being paid to be nice to you, and married women are unavailable. There’s nothing to gain by talking to them.

There’s nothing AT STAKE.  So what’s the big deal? This information gets you nowhere, right?

Wrong.

Because the concept of what’s AT STAKE is a key to your success with the gorgeous, healthy, fit, smart, sexy, wild, funny, sweet women you WANT.  How does this help you with the women you WANT?

In the spirit of the green trend that’s sweeping the nation right now, what you need to do is REMEMBER the mindset of there being nothing AT STAKE when you interact with gorgeous, healthy, fit, smart, sexy, wild, funny, sweet women you want and RECYCLE the mindset.

You don’t have to change your approach. Change your REASON for approaching. Your game will improve NATURALLY. Women are drawn to a man who doesn’t covet his opportunities with women.
Instead of approaching women out of a desire to get something for yourself (love/affection/approval/etc.), approach because you find women interesting. Be curious about how they see the world, how they feel in the moment, how they perceive other people, and how they interact with their surroundings.

Most importantly, don’t ever consider what’s at STAKE (your ego/your happiness/your urges/etc.) and just approach, engage, and cut ‘em loose. Consider it a grand experiment to find out more about women.  If you find that women who turn you on make you nervous and blow your mindset, try this. It is an easy, practical way to recycle and re-install the “nothing is at stake”  mindset. I call it “high concept.”  High concept is a simple concept usually used to explain a film. I use it to explain the concept of having a whole conversation about a simple idea.

Decide that you will ask the same simple question of ten women in one day. Regardless of their answer, you will not engage but simply accept it, thank them, and walk away. Ask them anything, or borrow one of my favorites: “Peanut butter and what?”  Simply ask, and let them answer. When they do, give them a “Thanks.  Just looking for some new ideas.”  Walk away.

By the time you ask the tenth woman this question, you’ll have heard several ways of answering the question and you should be pretty comfortable asking it. You will be calm and confident regardless of your target. You will have effectively recycled the “nothing at stake”  mindset into being a regular behavior of yours.

When you’ve questioned ten women, start over, but this time start reacting to their answer. Give them a rating from 1 to 10. When you meet a “jelly,”  say “Oh come on, how about a little imagination. Raisins maybe?  Honey? Celery?”  Or if you get something really wild back say “Wow.  I’ll give you two points for that answer. What kind of a woman puts fried bananas with peanut butter??”

 

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite

#Fact: Sex and human contact are needs and not something we should be afraid of

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

What: You’re about to approach a woman and suddenly you’re overcome with a creepy, paralyzing feeling.

Emotion: The feeling is a blend of irrational fear, disappointment, and frustration. Often there’s a little anger in there too.

Inner Monologue: You believe that if you approach her, she’ll KNOW you’re interested in her even before you open your mouth, because you approached. And after you open your mouth and try to start a conversation she’ll be CERTAIN that you’re interested in her, because you’re trying to start something up with her. THEN the worst will happen: your cover will be blown. She’ll know you’re interested in her and probably think you just approached her because you want to have sex with her, just like all the other guys.

Are you a closet heterosexual?

Believe it or not, your inner monologue has some very useful elements in it, so let’s break it down, keep the good stuff, and remove all the crap that keeps you holed up in your studio apartment eating spaghetti with chopsticks surfing the internet for porn.

Let’s throw it in reverse.
The last thing you felt was “She’ll know you’re interested in her and probably think you just approached her because you want to have sex with her, like all the other guys.”

Well, you wouldn’t be considering approaching her unless you wanted to have sex with her, would you? This is actually a good thing. The fact that you saw a woman you wanted to have sex with and you decided to approach her to find out if those relations would be a possibility is exactly what you should be doing. A sex drive is built into every healthy man and woman and is nothing to be ashamed of. Without it, the human race would die off. There are many ways that this fog of fear, shame, and embarrassment associated with your sex drive might have been created. One possible explanation is that it happened early in life, before you had the proper reasoning skills to understand that NEEDS are NORMAL.

A long time ago, when you were very small and your life was centered on your needs (primarily your needs for love, company, and food), you probably felt a moment of inevitable disappointment. It happens to all of us. It might have been because you did not receive a feeding exactly when you needed it, or you might have been left alone to sleep when you didn’t want to. At some point, your immature brain drew conclusions that have stuck with you to this day. Your undeveloped sense of reason made you believe that the discomfort caused by not having your needs met was CAUSED by the fact that you HAVE needs. You might then have drawn the conclusion that needs are bad because they can lead to discomfort. You then decided that the best thing to do is NOT TO HAVE NEEDS AT ALL, or at least not to show them, and not to act on them.

How can you tell if you made these connections between NEEDS and BAD early in life? Pay attention next time you catch yourself thinking “I don’t need a woman” or “I don’t need anyone” or “I don’t want her to KNOW I’m interested.” We all have needs and wants. Some of those needs are sexual, and that’s okay.

So how do you come out of the closet?

1. Don’t try to hide or stop having sexual NEEDS.
2. Transform your NEEDS into WANTS. A baby has needs. A man has WANTS.
And when a man wants something, he goes out and gets it.

If there’s some part of your wants you don’t know how to get, congratulations. You’ve already taken the first step by reading this post.

To learn more about how to meet & attract women, check out the Toolbox over at http://www.pickuppodcast.com/best

#nerdsunite