The Flow of #Seduction: A Game in Which No One Loses

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

I’m sitting in the middle of the stairs right below the cathedral in Cologne, Germany. It is one of these days at the end of spring when the sun burns really hot; dark, grey clouds hang miles above your head; and the strong wind tells you that it will rain in a few hours. I flip back the pages of my notebook as the wind turns them over again. I write down a sentence “talk about stuff that get her into a flow”. Wind flips over my page.

I am happy. It was a very good weekend; I met new people, thought new ideas.  The  sun shines and wait a second. She is cute. Pitch black long silk hair, a ponytail that you want to pull, her mouth wrinkles in a relaxed smile and she fights against the wind that flips over the pages of her book. I watch the scene for a second. Would I like to talk to her? Yes. Would I like to love her? From what I see so far, yes.  So I go.

I get up, take slowly the few steps towards her and sit down next to her and say the first thing that
comes to my mind. “Hey, you’re cute. What do you read?"  She blushes a bit, but as I opened the
escape road to respond to what she reads, she only gives me a clue that she is enjoying that
compliment. In this moment I realize that she is attractive and that we should come together in a physical way. In this moment I feel the flow in which our emotions can spread. We can both play the game of seduction; we can allow ourselves to play without having to win. Seduction is not a competition where one moves his army across the other’s battlefield and burns every village on the way so that there is no place left but sex. Seduction, as I think of it, is a game for adults.

A game where no one fights, but players entrance one another, where worlds collide as both share their world with the other one, no one gets hurt and no one can fail. At one point in time the game will be over and the memory will stay behind. This point can be reached after 5 minutes, 5 days, a kiss, sex, a year or 50 years. It will come when one of the players figures that the game is over. But until then it happens what happens.

Seduction is a game that flows, it is not to be seen as mechanical it also does not end after sex. Seduction is a lifestyle, an emotion and an idealistic goal.

Now I have got a different view on seduction than most of the people in the seduction community.  What I do is in flow. Many call it “natural.” It sure feels like “natural” but then again it is just one way of many to talk to a person. It might be a bit romantic or sleazy” but then again: “There is no girl who wakes up and says to herself: I definitely won’t get swept off my feet today.” In my experience almost everyone looks for a little bit of dreaming, fantasizing, and romantic in his life.

Seduction allows us to open up our bad sides and our good sides to create a tension that flows right
into a sea of passion. A sea where people can just let go and enjoy themselves as they are and enjoy
the moment they share.

Seduction starts when she seduces me. The very second that I think thoughts about her she seduced me. She seduced me in a way that I think: “Uuuh, cute little girl” ... “ I love that skirt on her.”  I let her seduce me  so far. I allow her to get me into the flow of seduction. The flow in which she plays with my thoughts and I play with hers. “That black dot right above your lips, I find that really sexy.”  The second she makes me think dirty thoughts, the game starts. I want her to think dirty thoughts too. So I walk up with her. I don’t know what I will say; it will appear the second that I stand before her. Most of the time I already know what to say: She seduced me. She made me think something about her.

What is better than this to start a conversation with than that something I just thought about her?
That little thought that she made me think. I want her to know that she seduces me. She will love it! Most of the girls do. If she does not, well, she is good for sex and a one night stand but this girl has no heart in communicating with people. I want passion and love in my life! I do not like girls that are too eager to play out their cards or their bitch shields. I am into girls that realize that there is a flow in a conversation once you let happen what comes up. This flow is seduction; it is passion; it is heart.

On this flow the two of you can glide into an unknown future, and yes we are adventurers of our own stories. Who knows what future you will find with her, sliding deeper on that flow. Maybe one day you will wake up next to her in your bed and think: What a cute little girl. I loved to pull her ponytail and see her pupils widen in ecstasy.

This is a bit of a different view on seduction maybe. It is one that is very successful for me and moreover, it is full of passion and heart. This way is a bit different and it follows different rules. I invite you to join my way and have a look at how I do it. Stories like this cannot be unraveled in one article, as a way does not unravel itself with the first step. Be patient, we are going towards seduction, and yet we are already in between.

To learn more about how to meet & attract women, check out www.afterhello.com

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#JustDoIt: Embrace Your Humanity and Let Her See Your Vulnerability

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Have you ever had that situation happen to you? You know, the one where you are with someone you are really into, and you do something RETARDED? You know, falling out of bed while trying to be seductive; pushing so hard she actually falls when you’re playing around; stuttering when you first meet her until you get your head together. I’ve heard this happen so often, and it always makes me laugh when I hear it. They’ll get all flustered and red and ask why I’m laughing when they just messed everything up. But the reality is, it could have messed everything up, but more likely than that, it made the girl fall just a little bit more for them.

I had a friend who told me that every woman wants a man who has a side that only she gets to see. A side that only she can unlock, like there is something special about her that opens a door her man keeps painfully closed to everyone else. And then there is the flip side of that, the man who is calm and collected, smooth and powerful, and loses it all because of her stunning beauty and personality. You can see this in any movie where there is a guy who is amazingly attractive, where he is reduced to a stammering mess in his love interest’s presence. Think Hitch, where he kicks the girl on the Jet-ski, or walks around drunk on medicine spilling his life secrets.

So what is it that makes these embarrassing, powerless moments so appealing to a woman? The answer is humanity. Women know when they see a man, especially a well dressed, confident, well spoken man, a perfect man, that he must have flaws. Then when that man expresses interest, they feel like he is too good for them, until something happens that exposes his humanity, something that shows them that their Achilles is mortal after all. This then allows them to connect with the man on a deeper level, because he is now human. To women, it is endearing, and builds a stronger connection.

Vulnerabilities or weaknesses are not, in and of themselves, unattractive. It is the way a man reacts to exposing his vulnerability that determines the attractiveness. I always consider it to be like a knight exposing the chink in his armor because he knows that even if it gets hit, he will be all right. If you are comfortable showing your vulnerabilities to your woman (from a place of power), she will connect more deeply with you. It gives you more in common; it shows her that you too can be shaken, just like her, but that it will never make you topple. But even more than that, it’s something special that not everyone gets to see. For 99% of your life, you are totally put together, in charge, a social powerhouse, but only she gets to see the moment where you stand with your mouth open watching your flambe  explode all over your freshly cleaned kitchen, and the subsequent smirk on your face afterward, when you suggest the new Tappas restaurant you found.

Most guys think they have to be perfect, say the perfect lines, have the perfect witty retort, stand with perfect poise, play the perfect game. But, what they are missing is that strength is not the absence of vulnerability, but rather the ability to stand in spite of it. So they ruin things with amazing women by running perfect robotic game, or by stressing themselves out when it does not all go as planned. But then some realize the power of letting your true self shine through when their lover tells them that she fell in love when she saw the look on his face when he saw that the restaurant he was taking her to had been replaced with a Wendy’s.

I guess what I am saying here is don’t be afraid to let her in. Give her the gift of seeing who you really are, in success and failure, so that you can truly connect. Most guys miss this step, and keep women out of their inner circle and wonder why they never feel connected. Try it, and you will see just how deeply you connect when both of you are present to the other’s humanity.

To learn more about how to meet & attract women, check out www.afterhello.com 

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#Interview: A Hot Biopsychologist Discusses Social Dynamics

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Pablo Martinez/ Jordan Harbinger

Thu-Anh (affectionately known as “T”) met AJ and Jordan while attending the University of Michigan in 2006, after finishing her degree in Biopsychology and Cognitive Sciences. In 2008, she started working with The Art of Charm to leverage this degree and help provide a female perspective on social dynamics.

Pablo: So what’s the biggest mistake that men make when trying to get the girl?

Thu-Anh: In general, I see men making most of their mistakes in the first couple minutes of a conversation – during the all-important “first impression”.  Personally, I believe that the worst of these mistakes is giving off a “creepy” vibe

Pablo: A lot of girls say that guys are “creepy”, what exactly do they mean by that?

Thu-Anh: I believe that “creepy” really is in the eye of the beholder.  In my opinion, most women use the word to describe an unwanted or awkward advance from a man. Often times, the creepiness comes before the guy even opens his mouth and doesn’t really have much to do with the words he is saying. 

If you ask most women that question, they might not have the same answer— they’ll simply tell you that they got a “bad vibe” from a guy – that it’s a “gut" instinct.  Now, when most people say they have a “gut” instinct, what they are really saying is that they are reading a situation from their subconscious.  You see, 90% of our perception comes from our subconscious, so often, when a woman has a strong initial reaction to something, it’s her subconscious mind making a snap judgment on the situation.  Nalini Ambady and Robert Rosenthal coined a term for this that they called “thin-slicing”, and that’s a great example for what’s going on here.  Women are constantly “thin-slicing” men, and that’s why they get these instant reads. 

Pablo: “Thin-slicing”…very interesting, didn’t Malcolm Gladwell write a book about that? 

Thu-Anh: He did, Gladwell’s Blink is a great overview of the process of “thin-slicing”. 

Pablo: Can you give us an overview of “thin-slicing”?

Thu-Anh: Sure.  Human beings have evolved over the past 100,000 or so years, and along the way our subconscious brain learned to recognize subtle patterns in our environment to help us make quick decisions.  This would have been extremely helpful 50,000 years ago when early man was forced to react quickly to a chaotic landscape where he had to deal with lots of complicated and potentially dangerous information. 

Our unconscious thin-slices the world around and our brains rely on those split-second decisions to form opinions on people, places and things that we have just encountered.  And the most amazing thing about thin slicing is that we don’t even realize we are doing it!  These impressions take place purely in the subconscious and often occur within a fraction of a second.

Pablo: So how exactly does “thin-slicing” apply to a man’s first introduction to a woman?

Thu-Anh: Well, it’s important to realize that a woman’s social instinct is generally much stronger than a man’s.  She is much better at reading subtle cues of body language, voice tonality, eye contact and the like.  And since she has the job of sifting through potential mates quickly, she is much more likely to “thin-slice” you.  So based on the theory of “thin-slicing” there definitely is some truth to the old urban legend that “a woman knows if she will sleep with a man within 10 seconds of meeting him”.  Actually, a more accurate description would be that “a woman knows if she WON’T sleep with a man within 10 seconds of meeting him.

Pablo: So what’s the key to make sure that she “thin-slices” you in a good way?

Thu-Anh: In a nutshell:  Body language.

Pablo: So it’s all about body language?

Thu-Anh: Absolutely.  A lot of guys worry about what they should say when they first meet a women.  But the truth is that how you act is far more important than what you say.  There is an old study from UCLA that says that 93% of communication is non-verbal.  Now, this study is often misunderstood, so while that number might not be 93%, it’s still safe to say that your non-verbal communications – body language and voice tonality – are still an extremely important part of the attraction process.  And this is especially true when it comes to first impressions – as she has already made a judgment about you before you’ve had the chance to say anything.

Pablo: Interesting, what are some important fundamentals of body language?

Thu-Anh: Well, at The Art of Charm, we focus heavily on body language – not only for the first impression, but also during conversations with women.  But for now, here are some easy tips to make a good first impression.  

1. The first fundamental is smiling – this is an easy one...always remember to smile

2. The next is having high energy – I’m oversimplifying here, but the gist is to be upbeat, positive and happy when you’re out

3. Third, we have eye contact – Don‘t be scared of making eye contact; feel comfortable doing it and know when to take it away.

4. Fourth, have good posture and walk with purpose –keeping your back straight and your chin up.

5. Fifth is to have a confident mindset.  We have a saying “lead the mind and the body will follow”.  So if you have a confident mindset, that will “bleed” through to having confident body language.

For more tips on body language, check this out!

Pablo: Great, any other thoughts or tips?

Thu-Anh: Absolutely, we have a great (and free) meetup group in Los Angeles that deals with all of this stuff, go to www.afterhello.com to check it out

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Qualification: The #Art of Asking Questions

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Next that brings us to the essence of qualification or essentially the art of qualifying others beyond simply time wasting. For that let’s look at one of my heroes. Bill Gates. I slept with his daughter once. Ok it wasn’t THE Bill Gates daughter but still it makes a good story.

Anyway if you were ever to meet good old Bill, how likely do you think it would be for him to spend his time telling you how much money he made this morning? Or just how amazing his business was going? Incredibly unlikely right? That’s because he’s so comfortable with who he is, he doesn’t need to prove to you how great he is. He has no need to qualify himself or for a better word prove himself to you. He knows he’s great, heck he knows you know who he is. Instead he would be more likely to question you, to ask you how you’re doing and more importantly what you’re up to in your life. As soon as you begin answering him you’re highly likely to find yourself qualifying yourself to him.

This is a common situation found in most social settings, those outside the situation looking in will see one person questioning the other, and the other answering, typically trying to show how good they’re doing, seeking approval form the other. Just like in an interview situation the value of each person speaks for itself. Naturally not all interactions are so one sided. You rarely meet someone of such high value, typically the rolls switch back and forth as a power struggle in the conversation moves between two different people.

Now of course what we’re interested in is how to use this to attract a girl. Well lets take the following situation. Something I call the car paradox.

We all know girls like fast expensive cars. Yet we also know a guy who shows his nice car to a girl is unlikely to get anywhere beyond being her chauffeur for a journey or two if he’s lucky. So just why does this paradox happen? Well it all comes down to qualification. Most guys with a nice car don’t simply allow the girl to find it naturally or by accident. They instead try to drop in as many hints and suggestions as to their car right off the bat. This of course is completely see through and as clear as glass. The girl can see the guy trying to impress her with his car and therefore qualifying himself to her. The power struggle we spoke about earlier is already won, and so her interest in finding a higher value male diminishes at least with regards to this poor Porsche ridden chap.

If he had instead allowed her to naturally find out he had a car after she was already attracted to him it would serve as a tool to further fuel her desire for him.

To learn more about how to meet & attract women, check out the Toolbox over at the Pick Up Podcast

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#PickingUp: Using Qualification to Gauge a Situation

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Qualification is probably the biggest term we use yet have no real understanding of its meaning, and occasionally how it’s used. To start with, let’s look at the origin of the actual term qualification, and its uses with regards to pickup. Loosely. Qualification was a term used to describe the action of making yourself come across as smooth and Alpha and questioning the girl you’re attempting to seduce to see if she is as good as you appear to be. A danger of this is the chance of over qualifying and losing the girl as she feels she isn’t competent enough for a relationship with you.

This really does still leave a lot to the imagination. With pick up not truly being a certified science it’s up to us to begin to solidify things and see where the terms and techniques we use cross over into the realms of accepted psychology. In sales the term qualification is used readily. It is used to describe the action of using a series of questions in order to ascertain whether a prospective client is serious about purchasing your product.

Essentially you would look to create a series of set questions, routines if you will that would enable you to assess quickly and efficiently whether you where wasting your time in trying to sell your product to someone who literally has no intention, or means to purchase your wares. This can almost directly be applied to pick up in a very broad sense.

Even if we felt that qualification had no specific ability to generate attraction, those who are advocates of the “approach as many girls as you can” technique will readily see the benefit here. Simply assessing right off the bat whether a girl has any chance of sleeping with you and if not, moving on to the next one will save a lot of your time and energy for those that you can actually close.

It could even be argued that direct game is a form of qualification. You approach and state your intent in the best way possible. If the girl isn’t interested in you on the first approach you can always move on to the next one and save your time and energy. Eventually you’re going to meet one who says yes. Now there are obviously a number of things you can do to increase your chances in direct game, and with practice, and work on your aesthetic; you can significantly increase your chances. What if we wanted something with a little more precision? Does qualification provide us with the tools to do so?

To learn more about how to meet & attract women, check out the Toolbox over at the Pick Up Podcast!

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