#NerdsUnite: Are you letting your past hold you hostage?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Have you moved on from your past? The past can hold us back in many ways and living in the past can leave you struggling to move forward. Bad decisions in the past can lead you to believe that’s who you are and that you cannot change. Where and how you were raised can have an impact on what you think your personal worth might be. Regret and shame can weigh you down like a ton of bricks, prohibiting you from escaping.

Let’s say that in the past you have made some bad decisions and the results of those decisions have left you feeling upset with yourself. It can be hard to think that you can change, therefore you continue to make the wrong choices. It turns in to an endless circle of self-sabotage. It’s called self-defeatism. It’s easy to wonder why some amazingly bright people put themselves into a position to do well in life, yet at the eleventh hour they seem to throw it all away. Perhaps because of the past they don’t feel worthy of those victories.

I don’t want to play therapist in this blog to figure out why this happens. What I do want to talk about is getting over it and moving on.

Here are 5 ways to move on:

1. Closure – Is there anything in this moment that you can do to rectify how you feel about a specific decision? Is there someone you can apologize to? Can you fix the old outcome in any certain way?
2. Learn from the mistake – You can’t change what happened, but you make the best of the situation by learning from your mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. Can you look back and understand why you made the decision you made? What can you learn from it that can help you make better decisions the next time you find yourself in a similar situation? Try to understand that you can become a better person for having made a bad decision and learning from it.
3. Tell someone – Perhaps telling someone close to you about what happened and how you feel about it will help to clear your mind. Telling someone will also allow you to get feedback from a different perspective, which can help you see the event more clearly to gather a better understanding of it.
4. Write it out – Many people keep journals for this specific reason. It can be just as effective as telling someone about it. Writing has a cathartic essence to it that can allow you to feel cleansed. Once again by writing about it, you can get some clarity on the past.
5. Accept responsibility for it – Many people will simply sweep the issues in their life under the rug, essentially ignoring it rather than taking the problem on. Therefore, it will never go away and will be constantly nagging at you, exposing itself in inopportune times causing depression and anxiety. Taking responsibility for it will allow yourself to take control of the issue and when you are able to accept the mistake you are able to move past it.

If you are continually making the same mistakes over and over again in your life and in relationships, perhaps you have an anchor that needs releasing. Think about some of your less desirable moments and see if there is a moment that you still have to work through. Spend some time understanding how you got yourself in such a situation and how you handled it. What can you do to change the outcome next time? What did you learn? Move on.

You’ll be surprised how good you’ll feel about yourself after coming to terms with your past.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#ProTip: Get Over Being Shy

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

When it comes to women, there is no being shy about it. What is it that you are waiting for? For her to one day wake up and figure out that you have been there for her all along?

This ‘hope is a strategy’ mentality is not going to get you very far. If you are looking for a job, do you just sit around waiting for companies to realize that you would be a great employee? Or do you go out there and contact employers, telling them about what an asset you would be to their company? If you are very successful in your professional life, you got there with hard work, perseverance and stepping up to the plate when the time was right.

Guys, if you want to play the lottery or wait to get lucky, I’ll let you in on something. Luck is being able to see opportunity and being brave enough to step up to take it.  At some point in your life, if you want something passionately enough, you will have to go after it.

Women can see shyness as endearing or cute, but that has nothing to do with being attracted to you. Women want a man who is going to take control of the situation. She wants to lose herself in the bedroom, and a shy man is not going to allow her that privilege. The good news is, there are a few women who like shy men. So all you have to do is hope you run into her and somehow catch her attention. The sad part is, she will eventually get bored and drop you like a rock.

Guys, I may seem a bit harsh. It is only because I care and want to help. You have been coddled for way too long. It is time to get yourself out there and live life. We all need a swift kick at some time in our lives.

One thing that I hear shy guys say often is, “I’m Shy.” You do not have to be shy anymore. Put it behind you. If you continue to say that you’re shy, you will continue to be shy. Put it in the past. “I used to be shy but now I’m working on being more outgoing.” That is the first thing to do. When you are an adult, being shy means, “I’m a big wuss.” This is not attractive.

Get out there and take your shots with everyone else. Meeting women is a full contact sport. You will win some and lose some. You will probably lose a hell of a lot more than you’ll win. Rejection shouldn't hurt you. You will still be there standing after the hardest blowout and should be ready to talk to the next woman. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and if you are smart about it, you can learn from those mistakes to make yourself a better man.

Get yourself out there and get comfortable talking to both men and women. I don’t care what you have to do to get comfortable, but do it. Opinion openers, bar surveys, strippers sitting on your lap at a strip club; whatever it is, it does not matter. The sooner you start, the sooner it will be over. If you don’t want anyone to see you practicing, go to a place where no one knows you.

Actually, that strip club idea is a good one. If you are very uncomfortable around beautiful, naked women, go to the strip club with about twenty $1 bills and get the girls to sit and talk to you. Make sure to tip them occasionally. That’s how they make money. Try to go on slow nights: Sunday through Wednesday. They will appreciate the money and you can benefit from their company.

These are some easy things that you can do. If you start today, you can be well on your way in just a few weeks. Getting over your shyness is not impossible. Thousands of people go through it every day. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last. Besides, do you have better things to do? You will when you quit being shy.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: The Art of Baiting

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

I sort of discovered this skill by observing naturals in action. I noticed that they never really ask questions (unless they want to) and have what is often referred to as “the gift of gab.” What they do is quite simply TALK – they are telling someone, indirectly, who they are. They don’t, for example, haul out their resume and list all of the cool things they have done. Rather, they indicate them via their stories, comments and replies.

Baiting can be defined best by an example. Take a close look at the following dialogue and see if you can understand where I am baiting the woman.

ME: (touching her sweater) Mmm ”cashmere.” Love a warm sweater. Growing up in the mountains, I always had such warm clothes for the wintertime. Whenever I wear one now, it reminds me of my youth.

HER: The mountains? Where did you grow up?

ME: Oh, the mountains of North Carolina. I lived there through high school. Growing up in a small town, and particularly when you mother has a central position in the community, you learn a lot about everything – government, the arts, personalities, scandal, commerce. You name it. Small town life makes people very well-rounded.

HER: What did your mother do?

ME: She published the local newspaper. So, we learned about everything first, then communicated it to the community in print. We had some wild experiences in that place! Obviously, though, I left, and ended up focusing on a career in school – which helped me get to where I am today.

HER: Where did you go to school? What are you doing now?

OK, so I could go on forever with this scenario. Baiting is when you demonstrate your personality, inviting a question from her to you. So, you do not want to reveal an ENTIRE fact about your life.

What you want to do is to HINT at it, thus, baiting a question from her. This helps guys get out of the traditional pattern of asking tons of questions of her, and gets her asking questions of you. This is a much more powerful dynamic that gets her chasing you.

This is a very elegant skill, one that is subtle, but very very empowering.

As I mentioned, the basic rule of thumb is to bait her until she is asking you questions. THEN, feel free to ask questions of her. Get it?

Also, it is very important that you demonstrate your interest in her by asking questions and complimenting her. This should be done in the “connect” phase. It is critical that you let her know that you find her interesting, and worth getting to know further.

But, only do this when she has indicated an interest in you by asking questions of you. When she does this, you know she is hooked. Otherwise, why would she ask you a question?

By baiting her, she is the one to shift the dynamic into the “getting to know you” stage of an interaction, rather than you. It is an essential skill to hooking her into the conversation.

This technique empowers you out of the traditional question asking scenario (BORING), and into the more interesting dynamic of you leading by demonstrating your personality. You come across as more powerful, and less supplicating. Naturals do this all the time.

I challenge each of you to get out into the world, and TRY this skill of baiting with the people you naturally meet. The next woman you are introduced to, try simply indicating who you are via this social skill. You never want to directly brag to anyone about anything, but you can indicate things subtly which can then pique someone’s interest. This is the best way to build fascination and intrigue in my experience.

Good luck!

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Why Is She Not Returning My Calls Or Texts?

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Here at the AoC headquarters, one of the questions that seem to pop up over and over again is, “I got this girls number. Why hasn’t she answered my text, call or messages?” We hear this at least once a week. There are two very simple answers to this question:

She is not interested. At least not yet. She is busy and you really did not do anything to warrant her attention.

Just because you have nothing else going on does not mean that she doesn’t. Women have very active social lives. They are in high demand for events, parties, dates and friends. Look at the typical girl’s Facebook page. She has her own career, possibly school and her own social life that existed before she ever gave you her number. You think that just because you had an innocent flirty exchange and managed to get her number that she’s been thinking about you since? Guys let’s be realistic here. Girls give out their numbers a lot. Sometimes, they do it just to get you to leave them alone.

There is one rule you should live by when it comes to getting numbers, and that rule is, “A quality interaction will get you a quality number.” So, I want to give you a few tips to create a quality interaction.

Don’t think about going for the number unless you are really vibing. Enjoy the process of meeting someone new that’s cool. The number is just a perk of a great interaction. Show some interest in her other than her looks. Let her know that she is a cool person. Don’t wait until there is an awkward silence to get the number. In fact don’t ask for it at all. Assume that since the flirting has been going well that she would want to give you her number. Example: “You know you are really fun. We should hang out. Here, put your number in my phone.” (Then hand her your phone with the number pad open). If you have an abundance mindset and you have plenty of cool people in your life, why would you be complaining about flakes anyway? Get out there and start meeting plenty of cool people. Get busy. If you have an active life, you won’t come off as desperate which can kill any attraction that you have managed to create. Spend some time connecting on an emotional level. This will solidify the attraction you have built. Example: Match the emotions she is feeling on topics that excite her or that she is passionate about. The number is only a means to meet-up. Use the examples in http://howtotextgirls.com/ to help you get in the groove of on effective texting.

If you manage to do these few things you will find your flake rates going down. Sure you might not leave the club with as many numbers, but you will have a better chance at making better connections and getting some dates. Isn’t that the point anyway?

It’s easy to get wrapped up in someone when they are the only lead you have. Be careful getting invested in someone you have only spent five minutes getting to know. You have to actively allow yourself not to think about them. The more people you are meeting, the easier it is to do this. Get active.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com

#NerdsUnite: Get Your Mojo Working For You

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Mojo has a few different meanings, but at its core it was attracting women with confidence, charm, and even magic! Some say it was the idea to have power over someone sexually or the ability to be charming in an influential way when needed.

Muddy Waters wrote and recorded a song about his Mojo in 1957. In the song he sings about “getting it working” for him–almost describing it as a charm or mood where his luck and life is in perfect harmony–where he can do no wrong.

Being described as a dark magic power that could stem from hoodoo. Someone could also be stricken with Bad Mojo or given Good Mojo from a witch doctor. The word attraction in a thesaurus can be linked to witchery and magic. It seems every time in life when we humans don’t understand certain things, we will throw magic or some outside force into the picture as a way of explaining the situation.

Blues musicians were thought to control the libido of women listening to their music!

Like snake charmers the women would dance to the music in a sexual way, driven by the music she would be taken over and lose control. Any of you guys that have seen those old Beatles clips with the girls screaming their heads off and passing out can understand how someone could possibly think people could be under a spell! Push any person’s emotions that high up through the roof and you could achieve the same effect.

Mojo can also be described in the context of self-confidence as “inner game”. That elusive feeling of being in charge of what we need to do, without looking to others for permission. I feel a lot of people ignore the inner game stuff to a point because it is really hard to understand what exactly it is!

I remember when I first heard the term “inner game”…

I was sure it had to do with confidence. What I didn’t know at the time was there are two types of confidence: External and Internal.

External confidence is supplied from things such as a good job, awesome car or having a bunch of money.

Internal confidence comes from your beliefs about yourself–who you are and what you can do. There are not many people in the world that would admit they have no real confidence.

Every culture has their version of what Mojo is. That special power that we use to attract the opposite sex. Moxie is another word that has been thrown around as well. It’s having courage and guts and perhaps a bit of bravado… Though, we always have to watch ourselves that we do not become consumed by our own egos.

You cannot have victory if you if you do not have defeat.

They are always very close to each other. Knowing that and being ok with learning everyday can keep yourself humble and avoid humiliation.

The reason I bring this up is to show just how important this is throughout history. The notion of this inner confidence coming up over and over as the main driving forces behind attraction is just outstanding. Thinking you can achieve success without going through the pains of rediscovering and accepting who you are is out of the question. You could end up questioning your foundation on a daily basis only making you worse off. You want to spend time building a strong you, something nobody can knock down, the immovable object.

It is time to get your Mojo together.

Unfortunately, we understand that a magic spell, potion or charm is not going to help us with it. We need time to go introspective and find out who we really are and embrace those qualities that are special to us. Take steps in getting comfortable and learn The Art of Charm.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com