#Question: Why Is She Not Returning My Calls Or Texts?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Here at the AoC headquarters, one of the questions that seem to pop up over and over again is, “I got this girls number. Why hasn’t she answered my text, call or messages?” We hear this at least once a week. There are two very simple answers to this question:

1. She is not interested. At least not yet.
2. She is busy and you really did not do anything to warrant her attention.

Just because you have nothing else going on, does not mean that she doesn’t. Women have very active social lives. They are in high demand for events, parties, dates and friends. Look at the typical girl’s Facebook page. She has her own career, possibly school and her own social life that existed before she ever gave you her number. You think that just because you had an innocent flirty exchange and managed to get her number that she’s been thinking about you since? Guys let’s be realistic here. Girls give out their numbers a lot. Sometimes, they do it just to get you to leave them alone.

There is one rule you should live by when it comes to getting numbers, and that rule is, “A quality interaction will get you a quality number.” So, I want to give you a few tips to create a quality interaction.

1. Don’t think about going for the number unless you are really vibing. Enjoy the process of meeting someone new that’s cool. The number is just a perk of a great interaction.
2. Show some interest in her other than her looks. Let her know that she is a cool person.
3. Don’t wait until there is an awkward silence to get the number. In fact don’t ask for it at all. Assume that since the flirting has been going well that she would want to give you her number. Example: “You know you are really fun. We should hang out. Here, put your number in my phone.” (Then hand her your phone with the number pad open).
4. If you have an abundance mindset and you have plenty of cool people in your life, why would you be complaining about flakes anyway? Get out there and start meeting plenty of cool people.
5. Get busy. If you have an active life, you won’t come off as desperate which can kill any attraction that you have managed to create.
6. Spend some time connecting on an emotional level. This will solidify the attraction you have built. Example: Match the emotions she is feeling on topics that excite her or that she is passionate about.
7. The number is only a means to meet-up. Use the examples in http://howtotextgirls.com/ to help you get in the groove of on effective texting.

If you manage to do these few things you will find your flake rates going down. Sure you might not leave the club with as many numbers, but you will have a better chance at making better connections and getting some dates. Isn’t that the point anyway?

It’s easy to get wrapped up in someone when they are the only lead you have. Be careful getting invested in someone you have only spent five minutes getting to know. You have to actively allow yourself not to think about them. The more people you are meeting, the easier it is to do this. Get active.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: Getting Women to Chase You

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Many guys will get into social dynamics to acquire what they think will be validation for themselves (higher numbers). The truth of the matter is that if you have done the work properly to become a highly charismatic guy, then you probably don’t have much time for the droves of girls you want to hang out with.

I’m not saying you can’t have many girlfriends, I’m saying, let’s be realistic with ourselves and our development.

Those of you with experience with girls know that even one can be more than a handful. There is a lot of management that comes with keeping a lover happy. More girlfriends means more time and energy to manage the relationships. Sure, girls want to fool around too, but they can only stick around for so long. Most women want to be in relationships that are growing and going somewhere.

If you set boundaries and are active in your passions, your time is steadily dwindling. As we all know time is our most important asset. It is always fleeting with no chance to make more of it. If you are already in full swing with a full-time job, at least 40hrs of your week are already eaten up. Let’s throw in a few hours a week at the gym and a few more for hobbies and sleep. So, how are you going to take care of these hordes of women you want to have in your life?

Unless you are making money while you sleep, it’s going to be hard maintaining a good balance to keep yourself happy. Think about it. More girlfriends mean more birthdays, disagreements and drama. What happens when the holidays roll around? Valentine’s Day will probably be the most stressful day of the year for you.

Relationship management is not an easy task. It takes work and patience to be able to meet others’ needs for them to feel comfortable in the relationship. If women are not being met with the requirements they need, they will leave and look for those things elsewhere. You may be able to keep her around for a couple of months, but unless she has the lowest self-esteem, in the end she will leave.

The best thing for you to understand is how honesty plays a role in keeping everyone happy without trying to live into expectations you have set up for people. At least with honesty you can allow people to know exactly where you stand and they can make the choice about whether they want to be a part of your life or not.

The point I’m trying to make here is that rather than chase women around, try working on you. Watch how things change from, “Why isn’t this girl answering my texts?” to “Why is this chick blowing up my phone?”

Your priorities should look something like this.

1. Work / Career
2. Hobbies / Passions
3. Socializing / Women

When you do this successfully you will wonder when you will have time to hang out with the girls you are interested in. You’ll come off as aloof and hard to get.  Let’s work on becoming the man we truly want to be and women will be knocking down our door to get to us.

When you clear your life to make time for women any time they present themselves, you’ll find yourself chasing them rather than having them chasing you.

The same goes for women who think that they need a boyfriend to feel good about themselves. In the end, if you are happy, you’ll be attractive to others. They will want to pull from your energy and strength.

The secure will always draw people in while the insecure will always push people away. Remember that the next time you would rather go out “gaming“ for the 6th time this week than hanging with your best buddy at a concert you really wanted to attend.

Get your skills up and then switch gears to get a fantastic life.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#RealDeal: High risk, High reward

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

It’s the fourth quarter. You are on the 40 yard line, and a touch down wins the game. You have line men coming at you when you let it rip down the field. When it works, it is the biggest victory of them all and when it fails, you know you gave it your all. When you sac up and put your neck on the chopping block while you are out, your night can become quite fun. To me, this is what it’s all about.

You never know what you are going to get. When it works, it’s great. When it fails, you’ll probably have some girl chewing you out or maybe even have a drink thrown in your face. It’s a gamble, but sometimes you have to go all in. You will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Meeting women can be a gamble. You never know if she’s having a bad day. You don’t know if that dude behind her is her boyfriend, and you will have no idea if you have a shot with her until you roll over and say hi. After that, it becomes a process to get her to laugh and loosen up a bit. Assuming that it’s going well, you have to sac up and make your move. Whether it’s kissing her, asking her to come home with you or just grabbing her number, you have to do something.

How could being so forward and brash work? Let’s face it. Women are attracted to confident men. A man who is secure enough to stick his neck out there is going to come off as very sexy to a women. We have all seen a woman with an arrogant loudmouth boyfriend and think to ourselves, “Why is she with him?” Because of his brashness, he is showing confidence in himself. Most women have no choice but to be at least a little attracted.

Though this tactic can be very fun and quite effective, if you are not comfortable in your own skin and do not have a positive and fun attitude, it can be really bad. You can come off looking like you are trying too hard. If you come off as incongruent, it will be hard for women to take you seriously.

A good smile will go a long way. When you go for the Hail Mary, sometimes you can push a little too far. You’ll know because her reaction will be not so favorable. All I can tell you is that when this happens, the best thing you can do is put on the biggest smile you possibly can. I have stood there with a big smile many times after pushing it a little too far. It can be quite fun seeing how much you can get away with.

The hardest part about being such a gambler, is knowing when to stop. You have to be smart enough to know when you have won the battle, and when to walk away. When you have a bit of success and see her smile, you will feel the urge to continue to do it. Tease her too much and you will look like a fool. Once you have her attention, stop trying to get more of her attention.

There is so much you can do, from calling girls out on silly stuff to being quite bold and escalating quickly. There was a very popular episode of “How I Met Your Mother” called The Naked Man. For those of you who have not seen this episode, The Naked Man technique is used when you have completed a date with a girl that probably isn’t all that interested in you. You find an excuse to get in her place (or her into your’s). You go into your bedroom/bathroom, remove all of your clothes and come out naked. She will either be shocked and disgusted, or will go for it thinking, “Why not?” They say it works two out of three times.

Guys, you don’t get much in life without taking any risks, so go out there and have some fun!

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#NerdsUnite: Seeing Is Not Believing

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Seeing is not believing. Believing is seeing. How many of you understand this statement? Basically you will not be able to see signs of attraction because you do not believe she is sending them.

How could you see them if they are not there? Is it in your reality that she could be attracted to you? If it is you would be able to see the signs and if you could not see them you could just assume that they are there.

The less of a structured reality you have the better, before I knew pickup my game was to sit at the bar where I knew everybody wait till a lone cute girl ordered a drink and I would begin talking to her usually skipping attraction and going into lame light rapport topics. If the girl kept talking to me for over 20 minutes I would assume she was attracted to me. I then would either pull the trigger there in the bar or ask her to leave with me. I lived close by. This worked on a very inconsistent level but worked with decent results (I was getting laid) nonetheless.

I just went for it, I figured what did I have to lose she either liked me or did not and had such a high confidence in myself from external foundations (music, job, friends) that a rejection never really bothered me on too big a level. If I felt bad about pulling the trigger I would call the next day to apologize which would always end with girls giggling saying what for? I would always see these girls again and we would laugh about it. I learned they expected it and liked that I gave it a shot.

After studying social dynamics for some time I got wise to isolating and reading cues and giving them reasons to backwards rationalize sleeping with me. In fact I would be the guy they would call when they wanted laid. No hang-ups just good fun.

Even in those early stages my reality was pretty open. Later when I started studying I had it completely blown apart and had decided to never put a cap on it to keep it open to every possibility. Why miss out on something because I did not feel it could exist. That is no way to go through life. It is one of the top five things to take away from all of the content out there on pick-up.

Your belief system needs to set up to aid you in your learning process, without it can be a fruitless experience. All the work you have done in the field can be flushed down the toilet because you will have failed to see the results that are slapping you in the face. You believe that beautiful women could not be attracted to you then you will be looking for those negative reactions.

You will need to reprogram your reality, your belief system. Some of the things you can do are:

Affirmations Positive visualizations (the perfect approach) 

Focusing on positives in set 

Assuming attraction in all social situations

Giving you little or no reaction is as good as a positive reaction. A woman’s signals are going to be subtle. She cannot be overt in her signs because she has her reputation to protect and does not want to be alienated from her social circle for being a slut. They are so subtle that by the time you had realized 3 she had sent you 20. So basically look at it this way. If she is still standing there she is still fair game to be gamed. She will leave if she gets bored.

This is why it is so important for you to assume attraction. This way you can concentrate on your body language without sweating every move of hers on whether or not she is attracted. Give it your all and by then end of your attraction set if she is giving you positive body language and smiling count it as a green light and move forward!

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com

#NerdsUnite: How to Last Longer in Bed

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan; he's a dating coach. Wait, not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. HIT IT JORDAN!!!  </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

There are really only 3 basic things you need to know to completely rock a girl’s world in the bedroom
Let’s call them the “ABC’s Of Great Sex”:

• A: ANATOMY (hers) – You need know the basics of her body.  Know where her “magic buttons” are and how to touch them in the right ways.  Understand her body and the way it responds to different types of stimulus.  And, for  extra credit, let’s include her brain.  Knowing how to stimulate this part of her anatomy is the shortcut to giving her powerful orgasms.
• B: BODY CONTROL (yours) – Great orgasms can come from your fingers, your tongue, and many other techniques… but great sex, especially great love-making, requires that you can control your erection.  You need to be able to get hard when you want to, and you need to be able to last as long as you both want it to last.
• C:  CONNECTION – This is the part that most people mess up completely.  It is the most powerful way to give her an unforgettable experience in bed (even if it is a one-night-stand… connection doesn’t mean that you’ve promised to love each other forever).  And, of course, this is the part that I tend to talk about most in my writings…

But let’s talk “B” for a minute.
Here’s some quick facts for you:
While many studies have been done that show that the average Joe can last for 2.5 minutes… or somewhere around 7 minutes (the studies never agree)… the fact is, nobody knows how long average is, because there’s nothing like a stop-watch in the room to change everything about the way you would normally have sex.

But I’ll tell you this much– after years of giving advice on sexuality, I can tell you that it is the most common question that men ask me when looking for my advice.
And, not be cute or dodge the question, but I think if you take a mature look at the issue, it’s obvious that “long enough” is the amount of time it takes you both to be happy and satisfied.  So, by definition, if you want to learn how to last longer then, obviously, you are not lasting long enough for your OWN satisfaction.

It’s also worth knowing, right now, that even if you have a severe problem with premature ejaculation, you CAN learn to last as long as you want.  ANY man can learn total control over his ejaculation given some time, practice, and the right information.

You may have read about “kegel compressions”, the exercise developed by the gynecologist Dr. Ernst Kegel, and, YES, they are very important in learning to control your ejaculation.  However, many articles posted all over the internet will tell you that when your PC muscles are strong enough from doing thousands of kegels, you can just squeeze them to prevent ejaculation, and your problem will be solved.

Untrue.

At least it’s untrue if you want to have good sex.  Because, seriously, you can’t expect to have good sex if you have to stop every 30 seconds and squeeze your guts out until the veins are throbbing in your head trying not to ejaculate.

But kegels are important, and strengthening your PC muscles will increase your ability to last longer all by itself.  Further, if you want to take this all the way and learn the ability to have “male multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms” as I describe in my Command & Control program, then kegels are a very important part of learning the “muscular intelligence” and building the neural pathways that allow that to happen.

Ultimately, the way to control ejaculation is not by getting big, powerful PC muscles… it is by learning to control the excitement level in your BRAIN.

I talk about dozens of techniques for lasting longer in my writings, but for the PU Podcast Blog I want to talk about an idea that is more advanced… and if you can “get it”, it is miles more powerful than just about anything else you are likely to ever read on the subject.

Instead of kegels, I advise you to start practicing meditation or pranayama (yoga breathing exercises), so that you can strengthen your brain… not your PC muscles.  That is the best preparation for what I’m going to teach you here today.

Let’s start with something that you already know is true:
When you are in a competitive game, whether it’s ping-pong or boxing, when you are mentally “on your game” and you are confident that you are going to win, you usually dominate the other guy easily…

Likewise, when you are in a negative or weak mental state, when you feel intimidated by your competition, you are pretty much guaranteed to get destroyed.  Here’s the punch line:  lasting longer during sex works exactly the same way.  I’m not just giving you a pep talk here.  I have done piles of research on this and counseled hundreds of men on this issue.  (My success rate, by the way, is staggering… far beyond any study that I have ever read about).  The vast majority of men who say to me, “I can’t last long enough in bed to please my partner,” only have that problem because they BELIEVE that they get overly excited and can’t control themselves during intercourse.

Read: They don’t have this problem during masturbation, and usually don’t have any issues during oral sex either.

Nope, it’s only when it’s “game on” and they have a sense that could “lose” or “fail” by ejaculating before giving their girlfriend an orgasm…

In other words, they are caving under pressure.

Ouch.

But if you’ve spent any time at all practicing a sport, you know that if you put in the effort, you can get that competitive edge back… (cue Rocky Music… no, make it Rocky II, the cheesy “Eye Of The Tiger” song)…

Or, if  you are the cerebral type, consider this an NLP reframing exercise.  Either way, we’re talking about the same thing.

You need to understand that you can control the emotional state in which you experience sex.
You will fail if you get into bed in a weak frame of mind: “oh no, I’m so nervous, what if I come too soon again, she’s going to be disappointed, she’s going to leave me… I need to control myself, control myself, control my… oops.”

Take a deep breath.  I’m going to say something difficult to hear:  There is ZERO reason for this to happen.  You CAN stop that nervous internal dialog.

If instead you were thinking something like…

“I’m about to rock this little girl’s mind…”
Or, “I love this woman, I feel so much tenderness just looking at her…”
Or, “this is fun… I love touching her…”

Get the idea?  I mean, rationally now… don’t those things sound like what you SHOULD be thinking?

There are many ways you can learn to swap out your negative thoughts for a more positive model.  There are NLP exercises, hypnosis, raw will power, and many others…

I recommend doing something easy: “Fake it ’til you make it.”

If you’ve ever taken an acting class this should be easy for you… if not, just try to remember what it was like when you were playing “pretend” as a kid and you were the cop… or the robber… (or the Dungeon Master, you big geek).

Same process.  What I’m about to say might sound a bit undignified, but there’s no reason that she’ll ever find out:

When you are making love to her, pretend to be someone else.
Someone heroic from a movie or a book, someone who can last all night.  You know, James Bond or something.  Invest yourself in this identity.  Move the way that guy moves, touch her the way that guy would touch a woman…

Once you succeed (and you will if you give this a try), you can ditch the fictional character and just KEEP HIS CONFIDENCE.

I think it is worth repeating at this point:  If you have trouble lasting as long as you want to… THIS WORKS.

And this statement is built on thousands of hours of research: As nutty as it may sound, you will only be a premature ejaculator for as long as you think that you are a premature ejaculator.
And go easy on the poor girl.  She will get sore after a while, and nobody likes a show off.

Be good, play safe, and be nice to girls always.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com