#HowTo: Say the "right" thing

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Oh how I dreamed of being the guy who always said the right thing at the right time. I fantasized about being smooth, suave, and confident. However, the reality was that I was nervous; some of the time I said the wrong thing, and the rest of the time I couldn’t think of much to say at all. Thank God times have changed. However, I still often don’t know what to say, say the wrong thing, and rarely know the “right” thing to say. The interesting thing is I am successful now.

The fantasy of what we should be, what we should say, and how we should act is a very different thing from the reality of what works. The more I tried to be someone else with routines, fancy games, or even interesting questions, the less success I actually had. I realized what I really wanted was to be “me”, and I honestly had no idea how to do that. Trying to be myself in the past only lead me to a conversationally incapacitated nervous wreck. Getting some help on that front and attending a workshop was the first step. At least I knew where I was going. But the reality remained, what is the “right” thing to say for me, and how do I not run out of things to talk about.

Things started to click for me when I finally gave up caring about the “right” thing to say and instead just keep talking. A funny thing started happening; I said the wrong thing a lot. However, I started having success. In fact when I said something wrong, and confidently recovered from it, the conversation went better than before. That was when I realized that women don’t want someone so smooth that they never say the wrong thing, that’s actually a turn-off.

One of the strongest biological imperatives for women is to seek a provider/protector. Money and status are a couple of the things that indicate that. Another is the ability to be confident in stressful situations and when things go wrong. In fact a man who can keep his cool, stay positive and upbeat, all while everything is going to hell around him, indicates stronger than just about anything, that a man is a good provider/protector. One of the exercises we do in our workshops is have the class list some of the worst things they have ever heard or said in conversation and have each person recover as if they had just said that. Confidence is shown in a good recovery.

Another symptom of always trying to say the right thing, is not knowing what to say. The “right” thing filter is brutal in its censorship. I once met a man who could not make it through a sentence without stammering and having the conversation grind to a halt. This was a brilliant man, an astrophysicist. No one can convince me that this man was not smart enough to develop incredible conversational skills. The problem was that he was used to being smart and confident in his field. When he spoke in a professional setting people always stopped to listen. In a social situation though, he was trying so hard to say the “right” thing. He had felt what it was like to have people respond to his words and he wanted the same thing in his social interactions. That is too much pressure to put on everything that comes out of your mouth.

Stop censoring what you say. Yes you will make mistakes and say the wrong thing, but how are you supposed to know what works and what doesn’t, unless you make mistakes. You will eventually learn something more important, you don’t have to say the “right” thing. Listening fully to another person will give you more than enough to talk about, the second part of that is to try picking the first thing that comes to your mind and running with it. Whether that is your opener or your next statement, you can always recover if it comes out wrong.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company, as well as the co-host of 'Go Legendary', a men's lifestyle & social dynamics talk show.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm Team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com

#Fact: Your most powerful tool in the bedroom is NOT your “tool”

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

You can give a woman an orgasm without even touching her. Don’t believe me? Go see a stage hypnosis show in Vegas. Hypnotists do it every night. Hell, there are videos of this on YouTube.

Now you may be thinking “But I’m not a hypnotist.” If you stop yourself here, you will miss out on the real secret to giving women the best sex of their life. You’ll blow your chance to be called The Best Lover they ever had.

So what is this amazing secret? Here it is in a nutshell:

Your most powerful tool in the bedroom is not your “tool”, it is your voice; specifically dirty talk, and it is very powerful.

If you haven’t heard this before, it doesn’t surprise me.

All the so-called “sex books” out there are utterly ineffective at teaching men how to give women orgasms.Their advice is the typical “nurture communication and dialog”, or “ask for feedback” or “get in touch with your feminine side”.

In other words it’s mostly touchy feely new age bullshit. And you won’t find any of them telling you to talk dirty to your women, or to get her imagining what you will do to her later while you are on a date, or to call her when you are out of town and have phone sex.

Women LOVE this stuff!

Why? Because for a woman, the mental aspect is the most important part of sex. For men it’s visual.

Men watch porn. Women read 500 page romance novels. (In case you didn’t know, Romance novels are one of the top selling categories of books year after year after year).

When you understand this, you can drive women wild even when you are a thousand miles away!

Now some men are afraid to talk dirty. They think the woman will take it wrong or will be offended. Some men can’t talk dirty because they themselves are not comfortable with their own sexuality. Some men don’t believe that dirty talk is powerful.

Such men don’t give women orgasms. Remember 70% of women do NOT have an orgasm during intercourse. ALL healthy women can have orgasms during sex, but it is the man’s responsibility to make it happen. And I got news for you… pump-n-dump does not do the trick.

Think of the bad boys. Women love bad boys. Women cum like crazy with a bad boy. And what do you think those bad boys are doing in the bedroom with her? They’re talking dirty. Very dirty.

Maybe you’re “a nice guy” or “a gentleman.” That’s all good. But if you are always a nice guy, it does not spark any excitement in her. There is a time and place to be a bad boy. You need to push out of your comfort zone and learn how.

Here is an email that I recently received, note the one thing that made a difference was him talking dirty.

Sean in the U.K. wrote:

I recently started dating a girl who told me that she’d never had an orgasm and genuinely seemed to have no interest in sex.

Well after a bit of building an emotional relationship and respect, I began to try and give her that elusive first orgasm. At first nothing seemed to work. Then during sex I took control and started talking dirty, and that just drove her crazy and she had a vaginal orgasm!

Overnight she turned into the kinkiest girl I’ve ever come across! We had sex in the park, and so much more! She is now able to have both clitoral and vaginal orgasms and wants sex all the time!

Now after this she’s told me that I make her feel better than any other guy and that she’s scared that no other guy will be able to make her feel this good after me.

Thank you!

Sean

The other thing to note is how this woman went from no interest in sex to wanting it all the time! And it had nothing to do with the size of his ‘tool’.

Are you getting an idea of how powerful this is?

Go play.

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

<editorsnote> BTW, COULD. NOT. AGREE. WITH. THIS. POST. MORE. Foreplay starts LONNNGGG before the bedroom, and in my teen years to mid 20s, I actually used to read porn not watch it. True stroy. </editorsnote>

#NerdsUnite: How Women Reveal Your Value

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

What happens when someone powerful, with high ‘value’ walks into a room, ie. the CEO of your company, or a celebrity?

Everyone in the room suddenly becomes ‘nice.’

If you walked into a room and didn’t know anyone there, but you noticed that everyone in the room was being ‘nice’ to one person who was being confident and doing as they pleased, what would you assume about the ‘status’ of that one person? This is exactly how women who don’t know you determine YOUR status.

Women seek the security and comfort of being with confident, powerful, high-status men. Why? It’s relaxing. You always know where you stand when you are around confident, powerful, high-status men because they are not afraid to tell you. And you know that whatever happens, the confident, powerful, high-status man will be able to handle it. And you know that if he wants something, he will make bold moves to get it.

Women HATE having to take the lead and make all the moves. Most guys think they are being kind by offering the woman control over an interaction or a date, but they will be made uncomfortable by your ‘niceness.’ Asking a woman if she wants to go out with you demands that she show interest before you. Asking a woman what she would like to do on your date demands that she take charge of your time together and accept the risk if things don’t go well.

So why is ‘niceness’ and any kind of people-pleasing behavior disappointing to women? Exhibiting these behaviors instantly tells women that you are not the confident, powerful, high-status man. If she was interested in you when she first saw you, it will be disappointing to her to discover that you are not the guy she hoped you were. If she wasn’t interested in you at first, she won’t START getting interested when you exhibit low-status behaviors.

I was out with a few buddies and noticed that they were suddenly transfixed by a very hot ’10′ woman sitting across the bar. I walked up and sat down right next to her. She turned to me and said “This better be good.”

That statement was the most revealing thing I had ever heard.

She didn’t say “get away from me” or ignore me. She TURNED TO ME (a show of interest) and said “This better be good.” Her behavior meant something else. It meant “I was impressed by the courage it took to roll up to me…don’t disappoint me.”

Well, I fucked up that interaction, and so did my friends who then attempted to come over and be my ‘wings.’ But I left with a valuable lesson:

Ultimately, women WANT you to be the confident, powerful, high-status man. It doesn’t mean you have to be rich, a celebrity, or a CEO. It just means that you believe in yourself (you’re confident that no matter what happens or what she throws at you, you’ll handle it), you have a purpose, and you have a high sense of self-worth. Don’t disappoint them.

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com

And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

Editors Footnote: I AGREE!!!!!!! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE MAKING THE MOVES!!! GROW A PAIR MEN!!!! STEP UP TO THE PLATE!!! LET ME BE THE CHICK!!! K ... BYE.

#Fact: Quit giving women reasons NOT to sleep with you!

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Women understand abundance very clearly. By the time they develop breasts they begin to see men in a different way. They soon find out men want sex from them and will do just about anything to get it. They have their choice of whom they will sleep with and they have to start looking for reasons why they CAN’T sleep with every halfway-decent-looking guy who buys them a drink or asks them out on a date or else they would never get out of bed. Women themselves are highly sexual people—as much if not more than we are—which makes this hard and is the reason why they have to be choosy.

This is personified in an episode of Sex and the City in which one of the women goes out to dinner with a potential mate and he accidentally gets salad dressing on the side of his face. At this point, it’s all she can think about—and suddenly attraction is gone. It is her job to find reasons—no matter how arbitrary they are—why not to invite you into her life. It is her job to find reasons to not sleep with you; so let’s stop giving them reasons.

Get cleaned up, put on some decent clothes, stop being a pussy, tell her how you feel about her, and escalate. It is your job as a man to escalate and hers as a woman to pace it. Lead the interaction, find confidence in yourself and use it. Women are looking for the following cues not to sleep with you:

1. Unsure of yourself
2. Bad body language
3. Unable to be comfortable
4. Awkward around other men and women
5. Unable to be in the moment
6. Lack of sense of humor
7. Bending to their every whim
8. Speaking to them logically while they are in an emotional state
9. Neediness and approval seeking behavior

They want sex and they want it now, but why get it from you when they have a stable of guys they already know. They are bored of the guys they already sleep with. If they were not, most likely they would be in a relationship with them. They are on the prowl for better mates. You are going to have to rise above and lead them to a better man.

You are going to be him, so own it and believe it. Quit stepping all over yourself. Move one foot in front of the other and proceed like you have the tools for every job and know how to use them without a flinch or hesitation. This comes down to a basic idea of just not screwing it up!

If all you have to do is not screw it up then it should be pretty easy, right?

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com

And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#Fact: We have the power to recognize what we want and we power our own expectations

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Watch a group of children playing. You will see leaders emerging; those who take charge and tell the others what to do. You can see two or more leaders strike for control until one leads all or they split factions. You will see some of the kids on the sidelines watching the others, some of them preferring to play by themselves, some hoping to be chosen into one of the groups and some of them resigned to obscurity.

Most of the children are pretty happy playing together. The children leading are happy, as are the ones who are included in the leader’s plans. The kids not directly involved are enjoying themselves as well. Everyone is secure in their position. Everyone knows what their role is and feels good filling that role. A comfortable dynamic emerges. That will change as ideas and personalities clash, but for the moment, all is serene. The leaders expect to be followed and the followers expect to be led. There are some on the outside who want to be included, but also expect not to be. Perhaps prior experience has taught them what might happen. Perhaps a timid soul got rejected once and then couldn’t see beyond that one experience.

Learning that one is not permanently relegated to a certain social position comes with experience as well. As we become adults and add new situations and adventures to our lives, we learn that nothing is permanent and that the only constant is change. Despite those old adages, it still often takes a jolt to get us out of our comfort zones – even the ones that aren’t that comfortable. Especially when it comes to self-perception and social position, it can be difficult to recognize that things don’t have to be the way they are now even if they’ve been that way for the breadth of our experience with them.

Leaving high school for the real world beyond is a good example of this. For those of us who went to the same school for all four years, people were generally labeled and stuck with their reputation and that was that. What a revelation then, to leave high school and head out to work or to college and find that the world that doesn’t already know you doesn’t use the same labels – unless you use them on yourself. You are free to be who you want to be.

It may not be a quick transition. For some, it won’t start until they go out and begin to have new experiences and begin to gather self-esteem building data. For others, it begins with recognizing what they truly expect. For someone who says they want to be fit, but they continue the same behaviors that they exhibited before they decided to get fit, it would be illogical for them to expect to get any other results. It’s the same for any situation. If you want a better job and a better life, but you don’t change any behaviors to create those changes, you’re actually expecting to stay the same.

One cannot truly expect change without working to make those changes. Reading a book does not create change. Reading one hundred books will not create change. Reading books and then applying what you read to create new behaviors that lead you to living differently is what creates change. You read because you want to change. You create and practice new behaviors when you expect to change.

As adults, we are no longer powerless in our own lives. Our parents are no longer gods with absolute control. We do not have to answer to anyone other than ourselves.

We have the power to recognize what we want and we power our own expectations. If you are not getting the results you say that you want, then you need to stop and look at how you’re behaving. If you say you want to be more social but you’re always coming up with an excuse not to go out, then you’re expecting to stay how you are right now. If you say you want to get fit but you’re eating fast food five times a week and spending your time on your bum instead of moving around, then you’re expecting to stay soft.

If you say you want a girlfriend, girlfriends, or a wife but you’re not spending any time talking to females, you’re expecting to continue to be by yourself.  Take a good hard look at what you want. Then take an even harder look at your behavior. If your behavior is not in line with what you say you want, then it is time to change. When you change your actions to support your desires, then you are free to expect anything from this world.

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!