#NerdsUnite: Are you a pump and dump?

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

So, you’re dating a woman now whose only sexual experiences have been with men who are pump and dumpers. For those of you who don’t know what a pump and dumper is,  it’s what I call ‘minutemen.’

Not the minutemen from the Revolutionary War. They get in, they thrust their hips, they pump a few times, and then they dump all their little men: all their little sea-men to swim all over the place.

A lot of women who are young (and some unfortunately who are older) have only been with pump and dumpers and they have no idea how unbelievably amazing sex can be with an attentive, sexually aware man ... a man who really knows that sex and foreplay start right inside a woman’s mind.

So let’s say you’ve done it all right.

You’ve started with sex and foreplay, and you’ve seduced her mind and you have her all turned on. How do you encourage this woman, who is basically very submissive in bed due to the fact that all of her experience is with Mr. Pump and Dump?

The reason why she is submissive, much of the time, is that she has never explored her own sexuality. A lot of women who have had pump and dumpers don’t know what they want sexually, and they are usually women who have never masturbated. They don’t know what feels good and what doesn’t. Their only experience is with Mr. P & D.

For those of you who think he is related to P & G, you’re absolutely incorrect. Pump and Dump is not Proctor & Gamble – though I heard that Proctor & Gamble makes their products for pump and dumpers. But it’s just a rumor that I heard!

Anyway, how do you encourage this woman to open up to her own sexuality?

First of all, this woman may or may not have ever had an orgasm before. I would assume that she never has.

She thinks she might be having an orgasm – it might be a momentary wave – but she is not having a full-blown orgasm.

If you ask her if she’s had an orgasm, and she says, “I think so” – there is no “I think so” when it comes down to orgasms.

Either you’ve had one or you haven’t! If a woman will tell you that she thinks she had an orgasm, it means that she has probably only experienced a little wave of pleasure and not a full orgasmic experience. Ladies, please chime in here and describe what a full orgasmic experience feels like so all the men know.

So let’s assume that she’s never had an orgasm. You’ve got to become the teacher in this relationship. She is probably the type of woman who just expects you to do whatever you want to do, and she’ll just lie there submissively.

You need to show her slowly how amazing sex is. I would take some extra time and give her a full body massage. I would spend extra time kissing her and just touching her, everywhere except in her breast and her groin area.

I would take extra time when I go down on her and not only lick her, but also to touch all parts of her body at the same time. I would also slip one finger inside as I was licking her in order to give her a different experience.

I wouldn’t ask her if she is coming.

I would just continually do all the things that I know bring pleasure to a woman, and I would ask her, “how does that feel for you? Are you enjoying this?

How do you like the pressure?

I want to please you and I want to make you feel amazing.”

Don’t say, “I want to give you an orgasm.”

Don’t tell her you want her to scream and yell.

Just say, “I want to make you feel wonderful. Okay?”

And take your time. Allow her to open up and allow her to see sex in an entirely different light. Don’t expect the magical orgasm right away. Don’t expect her to open up immediately.

Your only job is to show her – through a soothing, relaxing, attentive sexual session – just how great sex can be.

Another way to do it, too, is when you’re having sex with her, is to do the opposite of what the pump and dumpers have done.

Hold her really close to you so she can feel the tightness and feel the sensuality of sex, and then grind in very slowly as you pull her close to you. That way your pubic bone is actually massaging her clit at the same time. By doing that and staying deep inside her, you’re going to give her feelings that she has not had before and you’re going to get her to open up.

You may actually get her to start having a clitoral orgasm that way, in time.

You are also going to show her a different side of sex, going to show her the sensuality of sex so that she can feel protected, warm, and nurtured during the experience.

Right now, all she feels is used. All she feels is that guys want to get inside, get off, and leave.

So you’ve got to deal with the fact that she was with Mr. P & D. You’ve got to be tender and warm, and you’ve got to put absolutely no pressure on her at all.

By following these simple steps, you’re going to make her feel really comfortable, and you’re going to be able to get her to explore herself even more. She’ll surrender herself to you, in time, but you need to be very patient – because the other guys, the Mr. P & Ds, were not patient.

It’s your turn to be patient now.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite

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click here to read more about the female orgasm from the female's perspective in sock monkey PJs

#Fact: Never Treat Someone Like a Priority, When They Treat You Like an Option

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

I remember when I was young and new to the community, I used to get flaked on quite a bit, and it was a big issue for me and a lot of the other guys I hung out with back then. Nowadays, I get flaked on very rarely, and I think it all comes down to an attitude shift;  changing my attitude toward dates from treating them like priorities, to treating them like options.

Let me explain.

Cool people who have stuff going on in their lives don’t treat dates like priorities. Hot girls don’t pull out their blackberries and writes the date into their calendars when I invite them out, and they don’t expect me to do so either. Even if you’re a really cool guy, and she really likes you, chances are any plans you make together are still options, not priorities. And that’s fine with me, because I don’t expect to be treated like a priority, and I don’t really WANT to be treated like one anyway.

So what is the difference between a priority and an option?

A priority is when you mark a date off in your calendar, cancel your other plans, and start tidying your apartment just in case she comes back to your place. A priority is when you presume that the date is going to happen in a certain way, at a certain time, and you get fixated on that. Implicitly, when you treat a date like a priority, you’re presuming that the other person is treating it like a priority too. And most importantly, when you make something a priority, you get disappointed when the plans change or get canceled.

An option, on the other hand, is much more flexible. An option is simply the possibility of doing something, with real plans TBA. When you have an option open with a girl, there’s no pressure, there are no real plans, and there’s just an agreement that you like one another and will hang out as soon as your busy schedules work together. An option is when you have plans for Thursday, but you call her up on Wednesday and say “let’s grab a pint tonight.” Options are not real plans; they only become solid plans a few hours before the event, when you call up and say “Hi, you still down for some Vietnamese food in the market?”

They are emotionally driven; we will meet up when it feels right, and we will do what we feel like doing at that time. Any plans are really only guidelines for what is going to be an emotionally driven activity.

The great thing about treating dates like options is that they’re low-pressure, comfortable, and make you look like an easygoing, busy guy who doesn’t care too much about the interaction. By treating dates like options, you’re preventing the logistics of the situation from interfering with the emotions of the situation. As long as the emotions are good, as long as she’s attracted to me and wants to meet up with me, then I can be confident that the logistics will work out eventually.

The other thing about options is that they’re easy. Easy come, easy go, easy to reschedule.

Because I never treated the option like it was a big deal, I don’t care if she reschedules or cancels. In fact, I usually have several options on any given night (either with girls or with friends or other activities) so there are always backup plans. And of course, everyone I have an option with is treating it like an option too, so I’m not leaving people high and dry.

If you treat a date as a priority, or worse, try and make her treat your date like a priority, you’re going to damage the emotional momentum that is driving her to want to meet up with you. If you’ve treated the date as a priority, and it doesn’t work out, you’re going to be disappointed. And if you’re disappointed, chances are it’s going to come out in your voice or in something you say, and all of a sudden, the emotions of the interaction have changed. Maybe she’ll think you’re lame, or maybe she’ll just feel guilty for bailing on you, but either way, attraction and excitement has been replaced with something else. Your emotional momentum is lost, and it will be much harder to get her to meet up with you again.

If you try to make her treat your date like a priority, you’re probably going to come across like a tool. Some gurus advocate calling women out on their flakiness. That’s a great idea if you don’t care about talking to her again. Likewise, trying to pressure or guilt a girl into going on a particular date with you is a great way to ruin attraction and ensure she doesn’t answer the phone when you call next. The fact is, unless you have tickets to a Bob Dylan concert or something, it’s really lame and needy to expect a woman to treat your casual date plans as a priority.

Treating dates like options can sometimes be a bit of a pain. Sometimes, you have to wait a week or more between getting a girl’s number and meeting up with her. You can’t plan really complicated dates, and you often need to have some decent phone game to keep the emotional momentum going in between meetups, but in the end, it’s a much more effective strategy.

Eventually, as long as she’s attracted to you, she WILL meet up with you in the end. And the hard-to-get, busy girls are usually the most fun anyways.

Peace out!

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite

#Question: Can your one night stand do this?

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

There’s a certain irony I’ve noticed in the world of men’s dating advice these days that amazes me.  And it’s this:  

While most guys, when polled, say they really want to find a great woman more than anything else, the vast majority of material I see out there focuses on how to get the quick lay, and pretty much leaves it at that.

The craziest part? I don’t think I’m offering a groundbreaking announcement here. I think most people, even in the Seduction Community, know this.

It’s like an elephant in the chat room.  All across the fruited plain, guys do a Google search to the effect of “How do I find a girlfriend?”  and end up training to be a pickup artist.

How does this happen?

Well, the first contributing factor is what I believe to be a major disconnect between what guys really want and the kind of marketing that they respond to.  Time and again, it has been proven by the Internet marketing gurus that certain types of web designs, certain copywriting tactics and even medium-red Tahoma Bold headlines beginning with “Who Else Wants To” are what cause people to buy.

Admittedly, even on my own websites I’m compelled to fall in line with proven design themes because they flat-out work.  And likewise, for better or worse, two of the most historically effective memes in marketing are “sex sells” and “immediate gratification rules.”  Said differently, even if a guy truly wants a great girlfriend, it’s going to be the promise of sex, as soon and as often as possible, that’s going to be what gets his attention first.

Second, it’s a matter of what makes the Internet tick in general.  Most of us in this space tend to disclaim what we do as being “for entertainment purposes only.”  Our intentions, of course, are to ensure the kind of legal protection that makes most of what you see out there branded as “dating advice” possible.  The wild part is that in many cases, it’s the truth. Stuff really is “for entertainment purposes only.”

Online, one can remain largely anonymous. Therefore, one can basically say whatever one wants, go wherever one wants and partake of whatever one wants, all in “stealth mode.” The tremendous but largely underground popularity of Internet porn sites underscores this concept. People visit in droves, but usually don’t advertise this fact to anyone else.  And while pickup and seduction really isn’t exactly porn, it’s still hella more fun to read about, post blogs about, and watch YouTube vids about than stuff like, oh, how to get a great woman in your life.  But the fact remains:  Most guys really, truly want more out of life than either a “quick and easy lay” or an endless series thereof.  If you really, truly are convinced that a lifetime of one night stands is for you, then my guess is that you’ve already long since stopped reading this article.

But if you are indeed a guy who honestly envisions complete control over his dating life, culminating in a successful long-term relationship with the greatest woman you have ever known, I have a challenge for you.

And that challenge is this:  What are you REALLY, TRULY doing proactively to make that happen in your life?

Have you been swallowed whole by a world that’s purely “for entertainment purposes” to you, or can you see the light at the end of the tunnel?

A couple of years ago, I found some rare downtime and happened to watch the final half hour or so of The Open Championship live from Royal Birkdale, in England.  If you aren’t a golfer, the important part here is it’s one of the most prestigious tournaments in the world.  Padraig Harrington played the final few holes of the tournament brilliantly. When he finally sank that final putt on 18, having shaken the hands of his worthy competitors, his adoring wife made her way out to the green, carrying Padraig’s second son in her arms.

She arrived shortly after four-year-old Padraig, Jr, who had bounded out to his father as soon as he was allowed to and sprang into his arms, fully trusting that he would be caught.  A moment later, the entire family was in an embrace, surely a world unto themselves at that point. They were savoring the moment together. Padraig, Sr’s countenance said it all. He was the happiest man on Earth. Yeah, winning the golf tournament, for the second year running, no less, was a phenomenal feat. But there was no denying that having those who were most important to him around to share the experience was what made the victory most satisfying.

Can your one night stand do that?

If not, why not evaluate where your focus is and how satisfied you are with the progress you are making when it comes to building real, holistic skills with women that can carry you through a lifetime of success. Even if you don’t win a major championship anytime soon, becoming a man who deserves what he wants and making it happen is truly its own reward.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite

#Question: Are You A Closet Heterosexual? Part 2: Showing Interest Without Creeping Her Out

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Question: Are You Scared of Being Sexual or Flirtatious Around Women?

If you’ve been hiding the fact that you have romantic or sexual interests in a woman or women in general, you might be doing it because you believe that it’s not classy to show interest overtly, or because you believe it is bad to have desires, or because you’re afraid that if you exhibit your desires to a woman, she’ll shoot you down or be creeped out.

In Part I of this post, I gave you some insight into why men conceal their sexuality. In this post, I’ll show you how to let it out without being needy or creepy.

Not knowing how to show your interest in a woman can cause you two different problems:

1. If you ask a woman out BEFORE you’ve shown her some romantic interest or flirting, she will be confused by and wary of your intentions.

For example, let’s say you have a quick conversation with a woman and establish that you both like biking. Throughout the conversation you have concealed that your underlying motive for speaking with her is that you are attracted to her. You then ask her to go biking with you and she seems a little unsure and hesitant. You suddenly feel rejected and ultimately leave empty-handed. 

She wasn’t unsure and hesitant because she didn’t like you;  she was unsure and hesitant because she couldn’t figure out WHY you wanted to go biking with her. If you had shown some interest or flirted with her, she may have been much more receptive to you.

2. If you show TOO MUCH interest or are too overt with it, she will think you’re NEEDY and be turned off.

For example, if you determine that you both like biking and then tell her “I’ve always wanted to go out with a woman who likes to bike and you are very pretty and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and would you like to go out with me for biking and then dinner?” You’ve given her TOO MUCH interest.  Her conclusion from the above approach will be that you’re desperate for company, and if you’re desperate it must be because nobody else wants to go out with you and if nobody else wants to go out with you, why would she?

So how do you show enough interest, and make it flirtatious?

Get a sheet of paper.  Think about the qualities you find attractive in a woman. Anything is fair game:  physical qualities, her skills, her values, anything. What are the top five qualities a woman MUST have to be interesting to you? Write them down.

Your paper might look like this:

- Pretty face

- Thin

- Healthy/fit

- Creative

- Funny

Now cross out any of the ones that describe physical traits. Memorize your list.  Next time you meet a woman who exhibits ANY of these five qualities, just say “Hey, you’re (a health nut/creative/hilarious). I like that. What’s your number; we need to get together again.

The beauty of this method is you don’t even have to have anything in common to date her. She simply has to meet one of your criteria.  Your tone of voice should be the same as if you are making plans with your best friend. Calm, interested, but totally relaxed.

By telling her you like the quality she exhibited, you’re showing interest, but by staying calm and TELLING her to give you her number, you’re showing her that you KNOW how to take the lead and make new connections with people. Taking the lead without attachment to the outcome of the interaction telegraphs CONFIDENCE and never shows neediness or desperation.

Watch her eyes light up as she gives you her number. Never go back in that closet again!

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite

#Fact: Hesitation is the Mind Killer

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

You can tell exactly how things will go just by watching him walk toward her.

“Go say hi to her,” I tell him. He’s a tall, exceptionally good-looking guy with hair parted straight down the middle.  He looks across the bookstore at her. I can see his expression change from normal to tense as he says “Okay.”

He starts to think.  And think.

He sees me looking at him. “Okay,” he says again five seconds later.  He starts to walk. It’s a death march. He’s going slowly with his eyes fixed on her.  Just as he gets near her, he loops around and comes back.  ”Give me a minute,” he says.

There’s a very simple rule in pickup, probably one of the first rules guys learn. It’s called the 3-second rule: if you see a girl, don’t wait more than three seconds to approach her.  This rule is one of the most important rules when it comes to approach anxiety. The longer you wait before you walk up and talk to that girl, the more your anxiety builds and builds and builds.  You wait long enough and it is almost certain the approach will fail.  She can tell when you’ve waited ten seconds or twenty seconds or two minutes before you approach her.

How can she tell? Is she telepathic?  No. It’s written all over your body.

The tension is everywhere. There is apprehension in your voice. You’re faltering. You are thinking at a billion miles an hour.  Ah, thinking. If we could only turn off that deluge of thoughts that comes in like a fire hose and drenches our confidence.  Conversely, if you approach her before you have time to think, your nervousness is at a minimum. You don’t have time to “brace yourself.”  Your braced readiness is what causes you to fail. You become shut off, self-protective and anticipatory of a bad reaction–all the hallmarks of the guy with social anxiety.

You end up closed off and unintelligent, instead of open, exploratory, welcoming and fun, exactly how you want her to be with you.

A lot of my best approaches happened when I wasn’t even expecting myself to do it. All of a sudden I was talking to her.  In studies of school children, it was determined that the time it takes for them to approach each other was the number one factor in determining social success.

“Asendorpf developed an observational system for coding children’s contact initiation behaviors. The category most closely related to dispositional shyness was the percentage of observed “wait-and-hover” among all initiations, defined as “the child approaches the physical proximity of a partner, stops, and observes the activity of the partner for at least 3 seconds without speaking”. Here, watching occurs within a self-interrupted approach.”  (Jens Asendorpf, 1985)

It is no coincidence that the 3-second rule and Asendorpf’s study honed in on three seconds as an appropriate time frame within which the approach will succeed.  There is also a strong correlation to another important part of becoming uninhibited and successful with women: spontaneity.

Even within interactions when we become fearful and non-spontaneous, the interaction suddenly becomes dreadful and boring for her.  One of the best things you can do for yourself is practice getting better at approaching women immediately.  If you are unable to do a full-on approach immediately upon noticing the woman, you can practice at least engaging women when you see them.

You see a hot woman. Not ready to approach? Immediately go up and ask her for directions.
“Which way to the bathroom?” if you’re in a bar. “Do you know how to get to the library” out on the streets.

Don’t worry about getting a good reaction out of her. The point is to do it over and over and kill your hesitation.  Kill your hesitation and your interactions start to get smoother than butter.

Don’t let another second pass. Approach her now!

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew! 

#nerdsunite