#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
Saturday, September 10, 2011 at 3:21PM<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancé after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Shades Of Grey (How my breakup brought me closer with my father)
One of the highlights (I guess I can call it that) of my break up has been the social experiment of it all.
Every time I tell someone about my breakup and how it went down, it's a chance to see how the person reacts and learn something about them that they had no idea they were even sharing.
The biggest distinction between reactions is that of young people vs. older people or single/recently married vs. divorced.
When I tell someone younger about the ending of my 7+ year relationship, that we grew apart, he lost interest, fostered feelings for someone else, and thus called off our wedding when he realized it just wouldn't be right to go through with the marriage, they say something along the lines of, "Giiiiiirl, I woulda kicked his ass to the curb so quick. Why do you still talk to him..." and so on. Very black and white, right and wrong.
The best exception to the young/old theory was my cousin and his wife, who are just slightly older than I. They simply said, "Wow. We thought you guys were so good together." These two have been through hell and back. They had some issues that drove them apart and they actually were separated for a few months, living in separate cities. They even dated other people and somehow found their way back to one another. My cousin had the strongest will to make their relationship work, even when family members were not happy about them reconnecting. Now, they're happily married with an adorable kid. I'm long overdue for a heart to heart with him about the whole thing. I'm super curious how they worked through everything.
When I went home to South Florida for the holidays after my ex and I broke up last December I got a chance to reconnect with my family. My mother, father, aunts and their significant others all gave me a very different reaction from that of my peers. They had ALL been through at least one divorce. Some of them had been cheated on or cheated on their past significant others. They all listened compassionately and didn't point fingers.
Not a one of my family members told me that I should absolutely not try and work things out with him (well, I think my brother was just restraining himself. He went into big brother protective mode). They, unlike a lot of my current friends, knew my ex well and really liked him. Most were very surprised by his actions. But I think they all knew that the breakdown of a relationship is never black and white, but many different shades of gray.
Likewise, I know people that have gone through divorce and even if they were the one that ended things, they often didn't want to and felt as though there was no other option. I feel comfortable opening up to them because I know that they understand the great pain of losing your best friend.
Dad and I back in DecemberMy dad's advice surprised me through and through with his assessment of the breakdown before the break up. It actually changed my whole opinion of him for the better. He and I never had the best relationship because we're too much alike.
I was talking to him one day when I should have been at my desk but was too busy freaking out to function.
"Julie, I know your mother and I know you. You take after her a lot" (read: unaffectionate). The next thing he said shocked me.
"This is both of your faults. It takes two." I remember holding my breath, slightly shocked.
"Julie, if you love someone, you have to show them. Every day." I exhaled.
Bam, just like that, my perspective on the entire situation changed. He wasn't yelling at me or being mean. He was just the first person to understand that my ex's actions, no matter how irresponsible and immature, were fueled by something. That there was a beginning to this end. I used to yell at my ex about how he could leave me. He would respond by saying, "You left me first." I still don't entirely agree with that, but I do think I checked out. I wasn't putting any more effort into our relationship, just coasting towards marriage. Taking him and us for granted. When I try to tell people that they think I'm being hard on myself. I'm not. It's what happened. My dad was the only one who saw that.
I hope that in future relationships I will hear my dad's voice echo in my mind. That before going to bed each night I will look over at my partner and think, "What did I do today to let this person know that I care." I hope I can learn from my mistakes.
Everyone wants to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing. That's fine, it's very nice that people care, but there's only a few people who I feel are really qualified to give out advice; those who have been to hell and back and lost their best friends and lives in the process and had to start over.
In the end, I care what my mother thinks and what my father thinks. My mom is my ultimate best friend and confidante and my dad is the one that has to give me away on my wedding day. And I want him to feel good about doing so.
There's my black and white back to the world.
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