<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
It's funny … I said I wasn't going to document my courtship with Antonio out of respect yet here I am … talking again.
I can't shut up about this guy. This all feels very different.
Anywho, well hello from Venice. I'm currently writing this from Antonio's bed while he's away. He kidnapped me on Thursday after I had a meeting and I haven't been home since. (Having spent so much of the last year as a nomad I can't say I dislike it.) There's this overwhelming sense of calm with him. Because he's so successful in business he doesn't have a lot of time to bullshit anything in his personal life. He wants what he wants when he wants it and being the object of someone's affection like this is unbelievably refreshing.
Over the last few days I have been meeting a series of his friends. It started on Friday when we went down to the Del Mar race track for a work event he had. I did the whole Politician's wife thing shaking hands, and smiling not saying anything about who I was or if he and I were together. I've never been to the horse races before but psychologically it invokes this vision of opulence, and excess. In reality, it had a Vegas like "electric energy" to it peppered with some of the slimiest looking people I've ever seen. It was … dodgy.
Either way, we did the meet and greet thing for a few hours and I had to try my best to not talk about anything that I do. Antonio genuinely doesn't care what I write about, but my openness and public life isn't exactly something he wants advertised. I totally get it … but it was HIGH-LARIOUS because I was on rapid fire steering all of the conversations back to the person I had just met. People LOVE talking about themselves so you'd think this would be easy - but not being a naturally inquisitive person in general, it was kind of odd.
That is a great way btw to get people to like you immediately - just keep asking questions about their life. Go 5% deeper than surface level (like when someone says they have a dog always ask to see a picture).
I don't even know what to say anymore. There are no games, no bullshit. He brings me coffee in bed every morning and we haven't even had sex yet. There's so much respect!!!!!! He tells me all the time that I carry myself like a queen which is hilarious because I've intentionally barely worn make up around him and am rocking hoodies and shorts mostly.
He just … feels so familiar.
I'm an extreme loner so for me to even be ABLE to be around a guy for so many days at a time is strange. When he left this morning for his trip I was visibly upset - I didn't want to leave him. I'm STILL at his freaking house because everything smells like him. It's only DATE TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
His friends are all so lovely, and speak so highly of him … he's like a dream. I've become so jaded in regards to dating that I genuinely didn't believe guys like this were still out there. Maybe it's his age (we have over a decade and some change between us), or maybe it's just who he is but he has this heart of GOLD and is a SHARK all at the same time.
Dudes, he nearly RIPPED the taxi cab driver for taking a call while we were headed back to Venice on Friday night. He explained to him that he had precious cargo and he didn't want the driver to be distracted. He wasn't at all being a dick either, he's just EXTREMELY matter of fact. It takes SO MUCH charm btw to be able to pull off something like that.
He's so resourceful too. He tips all the people you're supposed to so that we never wait in a line ... he keeps an eye on my drink at all times so my glass is never empty ... and anytime I've needed clothing (since he doesn't exactly give me notice to pack) he takes me to the store. Everything is just taken care of with him on a physical and emotional level. All very strange. I keep staring at him waiting for the other shoe to drop but meeting his friends and co-workers this weekend only solidified the fact that he's genuinely one of the greatest people I have ever met (let alone DATE!!!).
This is different. This is different. This is different.
<editorsnote>Sam is a fan of Mario Kart 64, poetry, and what he calls, "sneak reading" at night. He's a superly duperly talented poet, and would like to share with you one of his latest poems. Cause like poems are the things that poets right, er, write ... I mean that's just obvious ... clearly ... shut up Jen. Take it away Sam!!! </editorsnote>
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Brandon. We started talking on the Facebook not too long ago, and lemme tell you, this guy can throw in quite the few kneeslappers in his emails. Yep, see Brandon is a comedian who is here today to tell you the real deal on what it's like being "on the circuit." I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT BRANDON!!! </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @BrandonComedy
I’m bomb proof, I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a bad set!” -- Me, November 2010
When I tell people I am a comedian, about 50% of people will say some variation of “I would love to do stand up, but I’m afraid of bombing.” I tell them, you’re going to bomb, your going to bomb often, and it is going to suck, but you’ve been bombing at things your entire life. When you were a kid, you couldn’t drive a car, and any attempts to do so would be a tragedy but as you got older, you got behind the wheel, and eventually you figured it out, and got it together. Now you can drive (unless you can’t, at which point you need to stop reading comedy blogs and figure out your life) but if you were asked to drive cross country the first time you got behind a wheel, you couldn’t have done it.
Bombing is just active learning. An audience wants you to succeed (maybe not some urban audiences, but that’s another blog), and by bombing, the audience is telling you, “Hey, we don’t like the thing you’re doing. We want you to figure out what we want, and if you are incapable of doing what we want we will respond negatively. (This would be the most polite heckle you could get)”
I used to be so afraid of bombing, that I would deny it’s very existence. My early sets are so forgettable, and I was worrying about so many other things that I couldn’t even process that I was mostly bombing. Just like when I was learning to drive, I was so focused on making sure I had a good CD in, my mirrors were in place, and a bunch of other irrelevant shit. I was so busy worrying about nonsense, I didn’t worry about how bad a driver I was. And trust me, I was terrible, I totaled my car jamming to ABBA less than a month after getting my license.
Look, this is getting weird, and I’m on muscle relaxers and not really committed to the writing process, let’s just end with this. You’re going to bomb a lot. Not just in comedy, but in life. You’re going to be really bad at stuff, and sometimes people will question whether or not you should even be attempting the thing you’re doing. Just be happy, and confident in whatever you’re doing. Because once you get done bombing, and you start to get good enough to make things look effortless, you kill, and killing is awesome.
You’re awesome. (probably)
“Bombing is going to happen, it is inevitable. The best advice I can give you is to try not to bomb twice in the same way.” -- Me, three days ago
I've been asked a lot recently in interviews about how I handle the online creepers/ stalkers. I normally completely shut down and give out a stink eye since I haven't ever wanted to publicly talk about it - however after a meeting with a twitter bud last night I realized it's something a lot of us experience and maybe if I can work up enough of my own personal strength in talking about it, it will help more of you.
::deep breath:: whew, don't want to talk about this.
First, a bit of history ...
So, when I was 16 two of my former best friends and two very good friends began stalking me.(I was actually the first person in CT history to get a restraining order in a non-sexual relationship.)Being stalked as a teen was hands down one of the worst life experiences I have ever had. The torment, the psychological torture, the embarrassment - it wasn't even just something I experienced it was something that my entire family had to endure.
These girls were absolutely absolutely absolutely going to kill me. There was NO doubt in my mind. Kids in Connecticut have access to two things - drugs and money. (One of the girl's brothers too was a fairly accomplished criminal even as a teen, so the entire thing wasn't looking good.)
In 2002 I left Connecticut to head to NYC followed by moving out to LA in 2004. I haven't lived in CT since I was stalked, and decided not to go back until last year when I had to film a TV show for Comcast.
Moving out to LA certainly provided enough of a buffer (as my stalkers were all still in CT at the time), however an experience like that changes you. I would always look over my shoulder (even in LA), and was HYPER conscious of my address getting out.
That's me in the upper right hand corner as "photoJeNic"Flash foward to 2007 and I started to work for one of the founders of Myspace on his start up LiveVideo. I was a plant on the site and did a live show a few times every week from my apartment in addition to taking a netbook, usb cam, and air card in the field to have some adventures. It was GREAT however, I was super super super cautious about giving my address out, or even my exact location.
That fear stayed with me throughout all of my LiveVideo experiences, and somewhere right around the time I launched this site I finally snapped. I had recently started using the location based social media site Foursquare and realized all of my fears were just false events appearing real. Here I was BROADCASTING my EXACT gps to all of the internet and alas, no one shows up??
Albeit my following online at the time was next to nothing - but here I was being so honest and so truthful with my whereabouts and for the first time in my life, nothing happened.
My stalkers as a teen were ALWAYS able to find me - but again, BROADCASTING MY EXACT GPS LOCATION LEAD TO NOTHING???
What the hell?!?!?!
I then realized I needed to change my perspective and after almost three years later I have come to the following conclusions ...
1) Transparency is freeing.
I am the. most. transparent. person. on. the. internet. Period end of sentence. You can find out where I am via Foursquare, chat with me in real time on twitter, or even scroll through my life in pictures on Facebook. I am transparent not for narcissistic purposes, but rather for self expression and self exploration. Every status update or post is a mini time-stamp of who I am and what I was thinking at the time.
By no longer being afraid to say, here I am!! Come say hi!! Not only do I NEVER get bothered by creepers, but I've come to learn that it makes me the worst stalking victim ever. Stalking is psychological (more on that in a second). Stalkers WANT to taunt you, they WANT to torment you, the second you're inviting them to come hang out and grab a beer they get bored and want nothing to do with you.
2) Stalking is psychological.
If someone is going to get you, someone is ABSOLUTELY going to get you. I can't stop someone from getting a gun and killing me - I can only stay as present and aware as possible and keep on living my life and owning my awesome. Random things will happen all of the time (like getting hit in the head with the brick). I can't stop those things from happening, I can only live my life and live every day to the fullest. If I had died on the night of Jan. 26, 2012 it would have obviously been very sad, but so what! I didn't change a DAMN THING about my life and I think that says something about my bliss and my ability to not let the fear overcome me again.
Looking back now I'm not sure if those girls ever would have actually killed me, but they so THOROUGHLY wanted me to believe that. By me being so afraid, however, they were already winning. I allowed myself to be victimized in that situation and said victimization lead me down a path of extreme depression and that didn't go away for almost a decade.
What do I do now with stalkers/ online creepers?
A series of things.
1. I became prepared.
First time shooting and this is my actual scorecardI know how to throw a punch, take a punch, fire a gun, and wield a knife. Sure, I had a lot of extreme life experiences as a kid but all it taught me was that the human spirit has an ENORMOUS will to fight. When I was in the hospital after the brick incident, I read on my medical record that it said I had "mild anxiety."
Mild. Anxiety.
After getting hit in the head from behind with a motherfucking brick, the doctors only called my anxiety mild.
I was obviously extremely scared (especially since I had no idea what I got hit with), but my will to live was SO STRONG that my body was FILLED with adrenaline and no matter WHAT I was going to do whatever it took to survive.
I implore you all to take a self defense class, learn the basics on how to operate and fire a gun (to do this you can go to a shooting range), and even arm yourself with pepper spray. By being prepared you will understand how to stay calm in a potentially life threatening situation which may or may not be the difference in your survival if a stalker or creeper does decide to come after you.
2. Read this book ...
During the summer of last year I picked up a super creepy stalker. He's not the kind of stalker that has entered restraining order level yet - however, with over 3K emails in a matter of months it was something that I had to deal with.
I called my brand management (who deals with celeb stalkers) and they connected me with Gavin's people. While his firm currently wasn't accepting anymore clients they did send me his book even highlighted with chapters I needed to read immediately; they were chapters 8 and 13.
I do not currently have a structured security team, but if things do get to that level for any of you, it will cost about 2K per month. (They are kept on retainers.) Having not had to have them yet, I'm not entirely sure what their bill does cover, however I know they help you filter through emails and they scan IP addresses. To the best of my knowledge, these team of experts have a list of IPs with online personalities that are stalked all the time. To be on that list is a good thing, it just means you're a random personality that got picked by one of these whackadoodle noodles; to not be on the list means that this is personal and the threat is more severe.
3. Download Ustream to your smartphone.
Ustream is an app that provides a live video feed from your cell phone. You can INSTANTLY go live to anyone online (the feed is even able to be tweeted out and archived) and should you be in a sticky situation make sure you IMMEDIATELY go live saying this is a visual of the person and this is an emergency. Ustream (in certain cities) can sometimes be faster than 911 and also again provide an archived feed of what happened. (Also make sure you do dial 911 when you have escaped harms way. Ustream should NOT be a replacement for that emergency number.)
4. Create a filter on your email.
I have an entire folder devoted to my "stalker" emails. These are people that I haven't yet taken a restraining order out on, but I need to keep an eye on. By creating the filter it doesn't affect my daily life, and I only have to once a week scroll through the emails to make sure things haven't elevated. Having this filter will keep you calm and again, not disrupt your daily life.
5. Report them.
Should your creeper or stalker be using social media sites to come after you REPORT THEM!!! Online harassment is a violation of social media's TOS (terms of service) and a blatant violation across all platforms.
Bottom line: You have to really empower yourself and not let people like this stop you from living your life. The SECOND that they do, they have won.
Having any sort of online creeper/ stalker means you're only doing something right in life. Keep your phone charged, keep your brain calm, and body prepared. Don't let them win nerderinos!!
<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no one bats 1000 in social dynamics. In an interview with Howard Stern, Neil Strauss was asked if all the women he dated were the metaphorical 10 and his answer was simply no. Some were but many were not. The same goes for approaches, so go well and some do not. This story is the most memorably epic pick up shut down I have ever experienced.
It had been about six months since I started my journey in social dynamics and I had been reading everything that I could get my hands on. I was starting to get the hang of the whole process and had started changing things in my life like my workout routine and wardrobe. I had gotten past using canned material and started internalizing my skills.
Two of my close friends from San Diego had come to visit and we made our way to the 2nd street bars in Long Beach. My change in attire and presence was becoming apparent and I was getting looks in the bar. My friend pointed out to me that there were a few girls looking my way so I thought it was time to start working the room. After a few small conversations with groups around the bar I spotted four girls talking amongst themselves and decided to move in. They were standing directly behind me so I asked my friends to give me a little shove. He did, and I nudged one of the girls that standing behind me.
When this happened I turned around and after jovially apologizing for bumping into her I said hi to the rest of the group. I commented on something that one of girls was wearing and transitioned into an open-ended question. The girls seemed mildly entertained and continued conversing with me and themselves.
Enter the moment of awkward silence. The conversation dropped off drastically and there was 15 seconds of dead space, apparently that was all it took. I tried to reinvigorate the conversation but it was dead and I was about to get shut out. One or two of the girls gave one word answers to my questions and then I watched as they all gave each other “the signal”.
Apparently girls plan these kind of things and this group was particularly prepared for unwanted conversation. All the girls looked at each other in the eye and reached in their purses. In the middle of the bar they each pulled out a pair of sunglasses and put them on. If that wasn’t enough of a signal they then huddled together, meeting shoulder to shoulder to physically shut me out. I was so shocked by what had just happened that the only reaction I could muster was to laugh and stand there in awe for a good 30 seconds. Did what I think just happened really just happen? It indeed had and when I came to I turn around and joined my friends who were laughing hysterically.
All was not lost though, at this point in my development I had learned to let things like this go and I found it kind of amusing. There is a lesson to be learned here and that is that you really have to not give a fuck when this type of thing happens, just let it go. Not more than 10 minutes later I made extended eye contact with a girl across the bar. I quickly moved in and that interaction went exceedingly better. We kissed at the bar and she invited me back for a drink at her house after the bar closed. I later found out that she was a biter and had just gotten out of a long relationship. When I woke up the next morning I realized how recent that relationship had ended as evidenced by all the pictures of her and her ex that were still on the walls, like every wall. All's well the ends well.
Sunday, July 29, 2012 at 3:10PM
Anywho, well hello from Venice. I'm currently writing this from Antonio's bed while he's away. He kidnapped me on Thursday after I had a meeting and I haven't been home since. (Having spent so much of the last year as a nomad I can't say I dislike it.) There's this overwhelming sense of calm with him. Because he's so successful in business he doesn't have a lot of time to bullshit anything in his personal life. He wants what he wants when he wants it and being the object of someone's affection like this is unbelievably refreshing. 
