#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (North Dakota)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

A smoother than a slip-n-slide road trip would be dull. Thank goodness sometimes my scheduled date cancels making sure this adventure is always rocking and rolling. Flaking dates are pretty standard in online-datingland. Polite people cancel early so I don’t have to be stood up in public. Uncouth dates simply pull a “no show” leaving me wondering why I got a table instead of just hanging out at the bar, where at least bartenders are paid to chat. My planned North Dakota date fell in über-düber polite territory: he texted at seven in the morning to cancel.

Activate online-dating hyperdrive!

With Megan at Huckleberry Fit’s helm, I whipped out my computer and started aggressively dating. First, I emailed every male I could find in North Dakota proper, plus a guy from South Dakota who might be willing to cross the border. Rarely am I concerned about the population of the Dakotas, but darn it if 600,000 people has ever seemed as excessively small as when you’re trying to find a guy to hang out with you. After two dating websites, I moved onto Craigslist.*

To regroup, we stopped in the local of bookstore of Medora, a town of 126. The chatty shopkeeper asked where we were from and what we were up to, and we explained the project, and yes, our current dilemma. Then Megan asked, “Do you know any single guys in town?”

Regretfully, the shopkeeper didn’t. But that didn’t deter him from getting his wife on the case. A quick call later and she was in our presence, brainstorming local lads. The first boy whose number she secured was the next door neighbor’s son. In my trying not to pressure him to go out with me I said, “Don’t worry about it if you have a girlfriend…or a boyfriend.” The shopkeeper’s wife overheard me and immediately said, “Well, let’s find someone else.” Once I was off the phone (the call didn’t last much longer), Megan informed me many people in North Dakota don’t take too kindly to the suggestion that they might be gay. In trying not to insult the poor guy by putting him in the “straight person” box, I managed to insult him by insinuating he could like whoever he wanted. Whoops!  The middle of the country is peculiar territory. Another phone call, no homosexual implications, and 40 minutes later I was on a date with James.

As James had zero background or context on me and the 50 dates in 50 states project, he was genuinely curious about what Megan and I were up to. His questions organically led to a conversation about dating in general. Granted, he also said the date felt a bit like therapy …  think that’s a good thing? Better than a date with me being compared to slamming your finger in a tripod, though not as good as being compared to dancing on bubble wrap.

At 26, he had lived both in North Dakota and Wisconsin, and said dating in ND is considerably harder (like me, he’d found the sheer lack of population made things a bit sticky). Thus whenever he did find someone worth hanging out with more than once or twice, and who wasn’t just another pretty face, it was a lot like discovering a “diamond in the rough.”

After the mushy talk, we wound up swapping breakup stories. A lot of guys want to know about the breakup referenced on the Kickstarter page, so I have the odd job of discussing it every few days – and I’ve decided if I’m telling the tale, my date has to pony up** a story of his own. His worst breakup? A girl he’d broken up with invited herself to his house and showed up dressed to the nines. Realizing that she was making another attempt at winning his heart, he had to turn her down all over again.

My heart broke for her, understanding her attempt (the Alicia of age 25 definitely pulled that one on a boy) but also knowing that’s the absolute wrong way to get your boyfriend back. Truth be told, you’re not going to get the guy back. He’s either coming back of his own volition, or he’s not. Your actions will likely only hurt your cause, not help it. (This works in reverse, too, dudes.) And I felt badly for James, too. Having to turn down someone who obviously misses you is not a position you’d ever want to have to be in.

But of course, whether you’re in a relationship or in a fresh breakup, the best thing you can do is be open and honest. You’ve got to say what’s on your mind and not be afraid of what’s on the other side. And when you’re on a first date? Well, in some ways, you get a no-holds-barred to ask anything that crosses your mind — and you get to find out how your date reacts. Which could be rather telling. James and I learned we are both wildly empathetic, easy to talk to and impossible to faze.

Post-date, Megan and I were shaking James’ hand and thanking him for meeting with us. His response? “Well, when the mayor tells you to get your ass to the bar, you go.” Yep, turns out the bookstore owner (the same one who insisted we try on his buffalo skin coat, which was heavy and warm and vaguely Russian feeling) was also the town’s mayor.

Small town North Dakota, you’re kind of amazing.

–

*This resulted in a two responses. An email that asked me if I wanted to get “coffee” and a text message that read, “Hey Sexy Lady! U want meet? Hot!”

** Pun intended

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#NerdsUnite: Are you letting your past hold you hostage?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Have you moved on from your past? The past can hold us back in many ways and living in the past can leave you struggling to move forward. Bad decisions in the past can lead you to believe that’s who you are and that you cannot change. Where and how you were raised can have an impact on what you think your personal worth might be. Regret and shame can weigh you down like a ton of bricks, prohibiting you from escaping.

Let’s say that in the past you have made some bad decisions and the results of those decisions have left you feeling upset with yourself. It can be hard to think that you can change, therefore you continue to make the wrong choices. It turns in to an endless circle of self-sabotage. It’s called self-defeatism. It’s easy to wonder why some amazingly bright people put themselves into a position to do well in life, yet at the eleventh hour they seem to throw it all away. Perhaps because of the past they don’t feel worthy of those victories.

I don’t want to play therapist in this blog to figure out why this happens. What I do want to talk about is getting over it and moving on.

Here are 5 ways to move on:

1. Closure – Is there anything in this moment that you can do to rectify how you feel about a specific decision? Is there someone you can apologize to? Can you fix the old outcome in any certain way?
2. Learn from the mistake – You can’t change what happened, but you make the best of the situation by learning from your mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. Can you look back and understand why you made the decision you made? What can you learn from it that can help you make better decisions the next time you find yourself in a similar situation? Try to understand that you can become a better person for having made a bad decision and learning from it.
3. Tell someone – Perhaps telling someone close to you about what happened and how you feel about it will help to clear your mind. Telling someone will also allow you to get feedback from a different perspective, which can help you see the event more clearly to gather a better understanding of it.
4. Write it out – Many people keep journals for this specific reason. It can be just as effective as telling someone about it. Writing has a cathartic essence to it that can allow you to feel cleansed. Once again by writing about it, you can get some clarity on the past.
5. Accept responsibility for it – Many people will simply sweep the issues in their life under the rug, essentially ignoring it rather than taking the problem on. Therefore, it will never go away and will be constantly nagging at you, exposing itself in inopportune times causing depression and anxiety. Taking responsibility for it will allow yourself to take control of the issue and when you are able to accept the mistake you are able to move past it.

If you are continually making the same mistakes over and over again in your life and in relationships, perhaps you have an anchor that needs releasing. Think about some of your less desirable moments and see if there is a moment that you still have to work through. Spend some time understanding how you got yourself in such a situation and how you handled it. What can you do to change the outcome next time? What did you learn? Move on.

You’ll be surprised how good you’ll feel about yourself after coming to terms with your past.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

Words of Wisdom with @Jesus_M_Christ

#NerdsUnite: App idea built off of @Spotify

Argh! I have this idea that I have to get out of my head and I hope someone can make so I can actually buy it. 

Bit of a backstory first ... 

I'm an AVID music consumer. I have unlimited on spotify and pandora. I shit you not when I say that I listen to music 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The problem with this is that I get SO sick of my playlists. Even Pandora and spotify radio!! You would think that the "randomness" of their algorithms would be enough, but alas after consuming such an absurd amount of music it all starts to repeat.

What I want is curated playlists based on personalities to solve this problem. I'd totally pay for it too! 

Here's what I was thinking ... 

1) Create an app for Spotify to utilize their library. 

2) Have actual playlists, not stations, updated weekly based on certain personality types. (Approximately 16 in total) 

It needs to be displayed in an extremely personal manner. The crux of all of this lies the relatability to each playlist creator. 

Ex: Presenting John. <insert photo> He's a chef, who likes going to raves on the weekend and listens to trance while he cooks. 

Then John (who should actually be a cook who listens to trance) creates playlists released every Monday with approximately 6 hours of music on each list. 

Alt Ex: Presenting Sarah. <insert photo> She's a teenager who loves chasing boys just as much as going to the mall on the weekends to find the perfect outfit. 

Then Sarah (who should actually be a boy crazy teenager) creates a top 40/ teeny bopper playlist released every Monday with approximately 6 hours of music on each list. 

Alt Ex: Presenting Maggie. <insert photo> She's a late 20 something that runs a spin studio in Downtown Los Angeles. 

Then Maggie (who should actually be a 20 something with a spin studio) creates a super fast paced workout playlist released every Monday with approximately 6 hours of music on each list. 

The listener then relates to their own different moods and personality types and can then identify with each curated playlist.

I love love love checking out new playlists but the problem is they're not updated enough. Furthermore, the radio option doesn't allow for relistening. Sometimes I'll FREAK out when I hear an epic stream on pandora but it's all too random. There needs to be a consistency created around this. 

I pay $10 for Spotify a month but I'd be SUPER happy to pay another $10 or $15 on top of this to have access to the playlists. 

Food for thought. Maybe this is out there already. If it is will you let me know!! I'd love to check it out. 

Thanks nerds!! 

#nerdsunite

 UPDATE: The app I'm describing is out there and called Songza. I just downloaded it and will def provide feedback. DUDES! They have a playlist called "90s slumber party" .... I think I'm in love. =) =) =) Thanks Chad for the recommendation!!! 

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#NerdsUnite: Social Dynamics Lesson 2 (Non-Committal Body Language)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Eric. He is a MAASSTTEERRR social dynamics expert that will be talking about his experiences in the field from both an expert, and experience perspective. He's not just saying "this is how to get the girl" he's here to share his actual life stories and lessons learned from them. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ERIC !!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Redolpho

Hello friends, happy holidays. 

<tangent> Is anybody else getting hit up by their exes? I’ve been hit up by two in the last two weeks, who I literally never thought I’d end up in a steamy make out sesh with again. #wtf </tangent>

So today we are going to be talking about one of my favorite topics, body language. Specifically we are going to be taking an in-depth look at body language before and during the opening of a conversation. There are a couple things to note about body language before jumping in. Women are extremely in-tune to subtlety and your body language can be beneficial or detrimental to your approach. Generally speaking, what comes out of your mouth is only so important, and it is your body language that will either validate or invalidate what you’re saying about yourself. For instance, you are telling a story where you are surrounded by women and friends, and thus your words are saying that you are a confident leader and social person. But what if you’re body language is saying something else as you’re telling it, you’re hunching your shoulders, avoiding eye contact, and fidgeting nervously? If you guessed that no one is going to believe you, especially the women, then you’re right they’re not.

It is also important to note that reading body language is really about contextually recognizing changes in body language. Here is an example, you are talking to someone on the patio of a cafe and as they tell a story their arms are crossed with their hands tucked in their armpits. Suddenly they mention something and their hands fly above their head, and their feet lift off the ground. Now, here it is important to note that old-school body language axioms would say that this persons crossed arms is a form of protection or reservation, but in this scenario the people could be sitting outside and it could be cold. What’s important is the change to flailing of the arms and feet from a state of having the arms crossed. That change shows excitement and it’s that moment in which the person gives us a true “tell” that they’re elated at the conversation they are having.

The last thing that I want to mention before diving in is that there are no silver bullets in social dynamics, and that definitely includes body language. Body language is a tool and if you’re trying to up your social game it’s an important tool but still just a tool. There are other tools in social dynamics (verbal communication, touching, synergy, and your appearance) and when used well together with the others, body language can be a very powerful asset. I will say this a lot in my pieces but always remember that everything I say is a guideline. All guidelines in social dynamics are meant to be bent and sometimes broken but you need to know what they are first. 

Alright so let’s dive in, when does a social interaction start? In my last piece I wrote that it started when you open a conversation. I wasn’t being completely truthful. It actually starts before that, it starts the moment that either person is able to see the other. Here is a small checklist that you should mentally run yourself through when entering a social situation:

• Am I standing tall, with my shoulders back and my chin up? But make sure you ain’t cray...

• Am I smiling? But make sure you ain’t cray...

• Am I moving at comfortable pace? (Many people walk nervously fast)

That covers the basics of entering a new social area. If you walk in standing tall, smiling, and walking at a comfortable pace then you look approachable and confident. So now lets get into the meat of this talk with non-committal body language during opening. This is where I see a lot guys make mistakes repeatedly because they’re simply unaware of what they are doing. Non-committal body language is a piece of jargon that simply means you are not displaying commitment to a conversation or interaction via your body.

In order to do this you’ll want avoid entering the conversation head on. Rather approach the group of people from the side. If you’ve done this correctly then you should be standing shoulder to shoulder with the person that you are talking to, with your bodies facing the same direction. It should look kinda like this:

To validate why this initial positioning is important do this test. You can even just imagine it and probably feel the difference. Stand next to someone, shoulder to shoulder, and look at them over your shoulder with your body facing forward which should be the same direction that their body is facing. Take a moment and do a scan of your body, how do you feel? Now pivot and turn so that you are facing them head on. If you didn’t move and just swung around then your faces should be inches from each other. When you do this you should experience an innate feeling to move backwards in order to regain “personal space”. Even though the space in between you may have changed very little, the feeling of comfort changed quite a bit. One thing to note, is that appropriate distances for personal space vary quite a bit by culture. Israelis for instance talk much closer than Americans.

If two people are sitting facing each other directly then it’s best to be facing the same direction as the person nearest you. Your body will then be facing straight past the person across from you and not directly facing anyone. If it’s a group of people then it’s going to be hard to not face someone directly because if they are standing then most likely they’ll be in a circle. In this case follow the same rule as before to stay facing the same direction as the people that are directly next to you.

So now that we’ve dealt with the approach lets look at how you should stand or sit after you’ve started the conversation. One of my first students made this exact mistake when he approached his first group during one of Jen and I’s workshops. The two girls were sitting at a bar height table and he was standing, after he approached he leaned in so that his body was not only facing them, but his torso was tilted at a 140 degree angle. The girls reaction was to immediately lean back in order to create more distance between them and my student. You could see their facial expressions become defensive and he had already lost that interaction. The interaction continued to feel forced and was over very soon after it started. The lesson to learn here is to not lean in. People lean into a conversation when they are engaged and if you come in hot like this, before people are comfortable, then you’ll most likely get the same reaction that this guy got. Also people constantly engage in mirroring which is a body language term for copying or emulating. When you smile they smile, when you cross your arms they cross theirs, etc.. People mirror other peoples body language all the time. So when you lean back and you’re relaxed and non-committed, they’ll by nature do the same. It is a wonderful tool and it will significantly improve the success rate of the conversations that you open.

At this point we’ve dealt with position and posture, now lets take a moment to examine you facial expressions. When you enter a conversation you want to convey a friendliness that will put people at ease. The best way to do that is with a “light” smile. When I say light I mean that your teeth should be visible but the corners of your mouth shouldn’t be stretched to your ears. The right mood that you are conveying is that you are relaxed and happy. Once you’ve opened the conversation then you should smile a little less. Listen more, be attentive to what the people are saying back to you, you should be identifying social cues that they are giving you to spark conversations after your opener has run its course. If you read my last post about what to say when opening a conversation, and are running the 50 Shades of Grey opener, then as the people are giving you back their answers look them in the eye, lean back, relax and let them know that you are listening. Even though your body isn’t facing them directly you shouldn’t give them the impression that you are aloof and this is why it’s important to be attentive but not needy.

All of the above techniques signal that you are not fully committed to the conversation. When this is done correctly the people that you are talking to will feel more at ease and the thought, “How long is this person going to be here for?”, shouldn’t cross their mind. Even if it does they’ll be subconsciously comforted by your lack of commitment at the onset of your conversation. You are also signaling that you are willing to walk away which is exactly what you want. But there will come a point where you should become more invested in the conversation. The easiest way to know when is to let them invest first. Wait for them to pivot their body, smile more, and then mirror their motion. That’s all for now folks. If you have any topics that you would like to have covered please email me. I’d love to talk more about them here on TNTML.

Hope everyone had a great holiday season! And just in case you didn’t here is a cat hugging a baby kitten who’s having a nightmare.

L’chaim

#thatisall

If you’d like to share your stories please feel free to tweet me at @redolpho or email me at eric dot rudolph dot carrillo at gmail dot com