Home - Talk Nerdy To Me Lover

Part 6 ... 6 ... Dude, I kinda can't believe this took 6 posts to get this story out. I'm not gonna lie, this was first off not at all my intention to have this mini epic saga going on - was just frustrated with my current OKC social experiment. AH-MAZING that so many of you can relate. Kinda trippin' me out to be completely honest with you, but I'm just gonna go with it ...

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... here's part one point five ... here's part two ... here's part three ... here's part four ... and here's part five.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

HIT IT BEYONCE!

I woke up the next morning more motivated than ever to just get the fuck out. I didn't even want to think about anything anymore, I was over the initial shock of everything .... seriously though, lemme just say this, I would have expected someone to tell me that the Easter bunny was totally boning Santa RIGHT BEHIND ME - and I would have believed that was happening more than this. Shocked. Shocked. Shocked. Had no idea. Me thinks I'm so smart, looky where that got me. The Minnesota girls were right, I was the dumb one. (Judgement is wrong kiddies!!)

Moving to me is like a profession; in LA you move almost every year. I don't really know why, but literally, because of jobs, or the nomadic artist mentality - pretty much everyone in LA moves every year or two. This part, I got DOWN!! Took my macbook pro over to that god awful kitchen counter to sit on a barstool, and started looking for a place on Craigslist.

Literally, that afternoon - I found an apartment. It wasn't in Hollywood, it was over on the westside - at that point, I needed a break - BAD! The roomies seemed pretty rad, the price was right, the room was BLUE!!!! and BEAAUUTTIIIIFFUUULLLLL - and best part, I could move in that evening. There's gotta be a catch, right? Nope! That's my life! Remember, life has to meet your expectations of it. I knew I was a pro at moving, so finding a place would be nothing if I just set my mind to it. AH-MAZING!

I go back to the mentalist's apartment and pack my things up. The girls were floored. They couldn't believe I found a place so quickly (especially since technically speaking I was only supposed to be at that apartment for a bit, and there I go staying for months). I said, yeah - I'm a very motivated individual. Time for the next doable action. Plus too, the mentalist was coming home from tour in a few days, I did NOT want to face him.

I didn't have a lot of things at his place, about a car full (a beetle convertible car full mind you) - and I moved on over to the westside. The best part was, I had the majority of my stuff in storage, but the room initially came furnished. I had a bed to sleep in, built in closet organizers ... was literally the greatest thing ever. It was so quiet, and I could look out the window and see this beautiful yard with an avocado tree. Certainly wasn't the madhouse hostel I left in Hollywood.

Time to breathe. Time to be - I thought. I had been meditating and studying Buddhism for almost a decade at that point, but never really turned to it for anything ... THIS WAS THE TIME THAT I TURNED TO IT!!!!!! I was raised catholic, but it never resonated with me ... something in Buddhism just spoke to me in ways that nothing else could. Buddhism teaches you that there is no good, there is no bad, there is only "is" and "is not." I just kept thinking over that my life isn't over, this just is - and I can process. As long as I don't do anything stupid and become an "is not" all will be well. All will be well, I kept saying over and over ... all will be well. Let it be.

Literally, on the very last leg of the trip to the car unpacking my bags - I got a call. It was from someone who said they had more information for me regarding this epic epic heartbreak. I still don't wanna say who, to be honest, just out of protecting anything they may have ... etc. Not my style to call people out, just tell my own story. They said, well, brownie girl wasn't the only one. Wait, what? There are more?!?!?!!?!!!!!! Yeah, a lot more. Remember the time you went to Vegas? Yeah - I said as I put the hamper down.

::Flashback sequence::

See, in September of 2009, I COMPLETELY out of the blue got a modeling audition, (no like straight up, that part was NOT planned) what they call a go-see, in Vegas for this big bridal show. In Florida, I had done some bridal bookings - they saw my pictures on Model Mayhem, and were all up on it and asked me to come in for a fitting. Normally I would have turned it down, but it was very literally the same weekend that the mentalist was going to be in Vegas for his tour. STFU, I thought!!! I asked the girls no less than 10 times, should I go and surprise him? I think this would be awesome ... omg, I've never surprised anyone on a tour before - could be great, right?

Wrong.

I get in the car, and drive to Vegas. He had made the mistake of saying what hotel he was staying in, and I very literally have an eagle eye. I am a fucking freak of nature when it comes to spotting people. This massively huge hotel, I found him - and fairly easy. Mind you, I had called his hotel room from the front desk a few times - but there was no answer.

I spotted him over at the bar, and he was shocked to see me. Like shocked! I said, I told you I had an audition, but I didn't say where!!! See, this was me trying to be cute and sneaky to surprise someone that I thought I cared. Yep. That was me ... that girl.

He tried his best to control his face when it came to just how shocked he was that I was there. He didn't approach me with this sense of delight, or excitement - it just sort of was. I think he was processing how the hell to deal with this, to be honest. His manager was with him, and I hadn't met him before - so that part was easy .... he just said, uh, XXXX meet Jen! I shook his hand. Again, he showed nothing but genuine delight to meet me. Good cover.

How long are you here for, asked the mentalist? I dunno - I just had this bridal show casting. Pays well. Gonna just see how that goes. But was thinking about headed back in the morning. Wanted to see what you were doing tonight. So, you're staying the night? asked the mentalist. Yep!

Yeah no bueno.

He told me I should grab a drink, they were just at this networking event for this conference - dude, me and networking events go together like peanut butter and nutella (MMMMMM PEAAANNUUUTTT BUTTTEERRRRRR). I rock. That's my thing, I'm a social butterfly. I just have this genuine, genuine, genuine, love for people, and hearing their stories - I got this. The mentalist and the manager were eyeing this group of 5 girls that were performing at the conference. I literally just walked right up to them, and said, hi my names Jen! omg - I love your outfits!!! (They were genuinely rockin' some pretty rad gear.) The manager looks at the mentalist like, is this chick for real. The mentalist smiled saying nothing and everything all at once.

We all started talking - again, I am like the least threatening looking person on the planet. People talk to me, I talk to them ... it's ALWAYS been my thing. They wanted to talk to these chicks, didn't know how to approach it, so I did it for them.

We wound up kicking it for almost the entire night. We went out for a sushi dinner, caused a bit of a ruckus - normal Vegas things. Then at a fairly descent hour, we headed back to the hotel room. The mentalist would barely look at me. I'm talking DAGGEERRRRRSSSSSS!!! He was sharing a room with his manager, but fortunately they were big enough beds to fit two. His body language spoke VOLUMES. He wasn't a cuddler by any means, but he slept with very open body language - his hands simply folded on his stomach. This was, a side fetal position with his back to me. He was mad. His manager would leave the room for a second, and I would try and kiss him - nothing. No response. No, like literally, you would have thought I was his sister. Dude, I was rockin a pretty hot outfit too. Tank top, and lil boxer shorts - I own my shit ... that night, it was pretty a-okay.

Nothing. Like nothing nothing.

His manager said something to me when the mentalist went in the bathroom along the lines of, sorry he's being such a dick. I was kinda surprised. I kid you not, I think the dude was hitting on me. It wasn't a friendly, hey, sorry my friends being a butt - it was hey he's being an ass, but "how you doin." Mind you too, I am literally OBLIVIOUS to that shit. I just assume people are being friendly. It was a vibe thing - he wasn't just being friendly. Did I mention his manager was married with kids too - and a history of cheating? Yep! (Remember, you are the company that you keep.)

Tears streamed down my face as I fell to sleep.

I woke up the next morning and left. The mentalist had half kissed me, half whatever-ed me - and I left. I literally cried the entire way home. I remember Katy Perry's Waking Up In Vegas hitting the radio, and I very literally never wanted to more in my life have not woken up in Vegas.

"That's what you get for waking up in Vegas."

Bitch. Worst. Vegas. Experience. Ever.

I got back to the house, and the girls said, oh I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. That sounds awful ... etc. etc. At that point, I went a couple of days before I spoke to the mentalist again. I was humiliated, embarrassed, but most importantly just hurt that this person was such a dick to me. This person that I loved, and had all these crazy overwhelming emotions for. Asshole.

::Flashback sequence over::

I put the hamper down, and said, yeah - of course I remember Vegas. Well, he actually hooked up with one of those girls after you left. He was planning this big night out with his manager, and you kinda spoiled his plans. What, I thought? Wait, there was more than just the brownie girl?? He had like actual sex sex with other people too???

The person said, yeah, but please don't say that I said anything. DUDE!!! I INTRODUCED THEM!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!?!?!! I lost it. Like lost it lost it. Before, I was shocked - now I was just about to get a fucking axe and with great pleasure mutilate his body into a million pieces. A gun's too quick - too painless. An axe, or even a kitchen knife would work wonderfully. Put me in jail for the rest of my life, at that point, all I wanted was for this dude to be dead.

He made the mistake of calling me at almost that very moment. He still wanted to work things out, thought I was being irrational. I picked up the phone and screamed ...

FUUUCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! I'm gonna get a RESTRAINING ORDER if you EVER ... and I mean EVEERRRRRR speak to me again!!

I kept thinking over and over, who is this person? WHO IS THIS PERSON!!! Are you kidding me?!?! WAIT! There was MORE than the brownie girl, omg you have issues - STRAIGHT UP FUCKING ISSUES!!!

Dude, we had a LOT of sex. Like a lot a lot. I know he was on tour and all, but nah uh - it wasn't like I wasn't putting out, and he looked elsewhere ... I was in fact the one that initiated almost every time.

This was a severely different type of anger that I was experiencing - this was the kind of anger that said, if you EVER ... and I mean EVVEERRRRRRRR talk to me again, I will fucking gut you like a fish.

I hung up the phone, put down the hamper and just wept. And wept. And wept. Who was this person that I fell in love with? I was literally living with a stranger.

Alrite, taking a break for a minute - this post was a lot longer than I expected. Gonna take a break. But expect another post later today - dude, I actually wound up finding one of his other chicks' on Facebook, and she actually gave me her phone number to call her and discuss. KID YOU NOTTTT!!!!!!!!! It gets better. A lot better. And, I'll finally tell you all about brownie girl - and where all of that-ness went. Ugh! So much to this story, I had no idea to be honest with you. BAAHHHHHHH!!!

#whew

Talk Nerdy To Me Lover | tagged

this is a story about love but this isnt a love story |

nerd talk,

talk nerdy,

talk nerdy to me,

talk nerdy to me lover,

Thursday

Mar312011

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 5)

Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 6:55PM |

2 Comments | |

Oh wow. That last post took a lot out of me. Like a lot a lot out of me. See, look at the picture - same day different outfit. I took the LOONNGGEEESSSTTTT shower, changed, and I still feel bleh. Gotta keep plowing through and keep on truckin. May not like it ... in fact, I REALLY may not like it - but walking towards fear, and walking towards things that make you uncomfortable give you that greater kickstart to a shift in consciousness, and certainly feel AH-MAZING to the soul. What is fear anyway? It's a False. Event. Appearing. Real. And surpressing the uncomfortable nature of this story isn't going to make it go away any more. Just gotta let it out ... here we go ...

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... here's part one point five ... here's part two ... here's part three ... and here's part four.

#nowplaying: Mumford and Sons - I gave you all

The phone rings - I look down, surprise surprise the mentalist reappears. I answer the phone, and I don't even say anything. I just started crying. Like crying, crying. Incoherent, blubbery, I think the words why, what, and how came out of my mouth.

I just kept whaling. It was that gut wrenching soul whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa. He stays on the phone with me, I don't remember him saying anything - he just let me cry. and cry. and cry. He tells me to take deep breaths and that he was going to call the girls.

I don't remember hanging up the phone, I don't remember moving ... I don't remember anything. I just remember the girls freaking out when their phones started ringing in the other room. You answer it! No you answer it! OMG What do we say?! Dude, they lost their mind. They were both so scared. Again, these chicks had just moved there, had no money, no jobs, were crashing there rent free - dude, they were sleeping on a queen sized air mattress in the living room, but hey! at least they had a place to stay. That place was now in jeopardy, they told me a secret ... a really big secret ... and he was calling to find out exactly what I knew.

Neither of them answered their phones right away. He kept calling, and kept calling. In fact, I very literally think I passed out at this point. All I remember is that everything went black.

I never looked at a clock, or had any idea what time it was ... I remember rolling over, and grabbing the phone and calling him. I had calmed down, finally. I asked the only question I could think of asking the person that I utterly adored who just broke my heart into a million pieces - why? ... my voice cracked.

No answer.

Complete and total silence.

Whatever was spoken in the initial confrontation on the phone is a complete blackout for me. I just remember blackness ... the blackness ... the blackness.

I do though remember one text, he responded to my note on Facebook saying I was looking for sympathy from my friends - that he never cheated because we were never in a relationship. I have a photographic memory, so the auditory portions of what transpired clearly didn't stick ... but that fucking text I remember.

I was so angry. How could he say we were never "together?!" Was I love you not enough? Was the psychological conditioning you did on me to prepare me for this child we were going to have together, was that not enough? Oh yeah - he would tell me all the time that I was going to look so good pregnant. That yeah he was on the road a lot, but technically speaking when he was off the road he would be able to spend more time with a child than the majority of fathers would.

Wanna know the best part about all of this? I very honestly don't know if I can have kids. I found out when I was in my early teens that apparently if I do decide to have kids the natural way, I was advised by my doctor to have them young. A totally fucking trippy thing to say to like a 14 year old. I at the time had done so much nannying, I just I dunno kinda figured kids were a part of the equation in life. I assure you, the SECOND someone takes that away from you, all you end up doing is wanting it more.

He didn't know that I didn't think I could have kids. It's not exactly something I tell a lot of people - HILARIOUS that now I am telling this to the entire fucking world. But true story. Again, not that I'm looking to have them anytime soon, but I do have a very strong maternal instinct; I'm a lioness to my cubs. I take care of my peeps, and I'm a fighter when I have to be. I can be sweet as a peach, but you fuck with my cubs, watch out - I will attack, and you don't want that ... HIZZUAH!!!!

I've always been one of those freaky freaks of nature medically speaking. I wasn't born breathing due to my mom being given too many drugs during her labor, I literally got sick with like every illness under the sun for the first 24 years of my life. Dude, I even got MRSA that super bug back in like 2007 - old people get that from hospitals, I picked it up at the gym somehow. Bat shit! Lancing those fuckers was the most PAINNNFFULLLLLLLL thing on the planet. OMG! Do not google ... wait, stop googling!! DON'T DO ITTTTTTTT - bah! I warned you.

I'm very confident I can have kids, but really really really fucked up to do to someone like that. Again, he may not have known, I can't honestly remember, but who cares, it's still there.

I pictured a life with this person. I just cannot stress that enough. I was at this weird stage in my life where I came back from Florida, but didn't really go back to living my life in LA. I isolated a shit ton in his apartment. Albeit, there were people living there - but I barely left. It was actually pretty amazing since all I did was study trends, really, deeply ensconce myself in the social space. That summer/early fall I even taught myself dashcode. HAHA! Totally not kidding, I have a lot of energy - it has to go somewhere.

I don't know what was wrong with me at that time, I don't know how to describe what happened to me that summer. I just woke up and discovered that I didn't like leading my life, and the love that I had for this human being was pretty much the only thing I wanted to do. Again, I had a little bit of money I had from the lawsuit (lost everything I owned in a massive cockroach infestation. can't talk about it per the settlement, but I got some dough. Like less than 1/10th of what I lost ... but whatevs). I just didn't want to do anything. I had no desire to even really tell my friends I was back in town (I had been commercial modeling in Florida for 7 months), I wasn't speaking to my family since my grandmother was in the final stages of her life and I didn't know how to process those emotions. I just sort of checked out, and checked in to this individual. Of course, there couldn't be anything less healthy on this planet. I assure you, typing this alone makes me want to jump out of my skin - but it was, and it is. Love was all that I thought I needed in this world to feel fulfilled. I would help him with his career so I was still able to edit vids, work my PR angles, and kinda do my own creative thing. Dude, I could sell that mofo like no other!

I remember I kept explaining to him that social media was REALLY picking up steam, and he needed to do something about it. He kept biting back, and biting back. I said no, we can do this web show ... or we can have you do this ... and that ... and this ... and that ... he thought I was nuts. I was like HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS SPACE THAT IT IS ABOUT TO EXPLODDDEEE!!!! I literally remember sitting on the couch asking him that question one time and going, oh, it's because you're on the road so much - you really don't have any idea how much the world is changing. He told me I was drinking too much of the Mashable kool-aid. Insanity. Insanity I tell you ... insanity! This was coming out of the mouth of a fucking mind reader. BAT SHIT!

He was very literally the only thing I had, and the only thing I was really doing with my life. He made me happy, that was something I had fought for, and searched for relentlessly my entire life ... literally, 24 years.

With one Facebook email, the little addition I built on his house of cards fell ... the fact that it was over the brownie girl that I had a bad feeling on, was just the icing on the cake. Dude, the fact that my gut warned me so hard, and so strong made all of this THAT MUCH worse. How could I really not know? How is it that people tell me all the time how smart I am, yet I went and got caught up in something like this? I felt so ashamed - even now, I'm totally tearing up in releasing this shame that I felt. My parents didn't raise me to be in a relationship like that. Was I really that unsure of myself? Outwardly appearances would have spoken otherwise. One Facebook email. One fucking Facebook email. It was done. I was done. My identity was lost, I fell back asleep.

Alrite, I need a breather. Next up, I'll let you all know about brownie girl and her potential bun in the oven, what happened when I moved out - and did I mention that there were other girls? Yep! Entire other relationships.

#staytuned

Talk Nerdy To Me Lover | tagged

this is a story about love but this isnt a love story |

nerd talk,

Thursday

Mar312011

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 4)

Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 11:50AM |

4 Comments | |

In the next chapter of, As the Rubiks Cube Turns .... HA! Your comments on these stories guys make my FUCKING LIFE! Thank you for reading - I'm equally enjoying getting this off of my chest. Sad I got called a bitch this morning on Facebook from one of the chickadees. I understand, but I was trying to convey that here I was being a miss know it all, and I really didn't know anything. I understand I can be brutally honest, almost to a default, like literally yesterday at CAA I made the head of the TV department turn BRRIIIGGHHHTTTTTTTTTTT red. I'm not exactly politically correct, nor do I have a filter. I just have to own that, and get over it. Actions have consequences - I understand. Things will be what they will be, I hold people in a place of unconditional love, and I'm gonna keep on keepin on.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five ... here's part two ... and here's part three.

I can only think of one song I wanna hear when writing this post. You know the one I'm talking about ...

HIT IT BLU!!!

So, I just found out that literally the love of my life cheated on me. Like, the entire time we were together. Like, they fucked in the bed that I was currently crying in. Like, he told me he loved me - told me he wanted me to have his children, told me he wanted to go into business together, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ...

HE TOLD ME HE FUCKING LOVED ME!!!!!!

LAST TIME I CHECKED FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE WAS NOT AN ACT OF LOVE!!!

(Although yes, swingers have a time and a place in life, and can be a wonderfully enjoyable experience. This was neither that time, nor that place.)

Fortunately, while all of this was going on, he was on tour. I kid you not, if he had been there I prolly would have walked out of that apartment, gone down to a gun shop, learned how to fire a gun ...

Tangent: I actually have since learned how to fire a gun ... and even have a KILLER shot! LOOK!! ...

Fuck yeah motha fuckaaa!!! This was my first time shooting!

... purchased said gun, waited the three days, shot him in cold blood, and been PERFECTLY content with sitting in a jail cell for the rest of my life with a shit eating grin on my face as I got butt raped by a bingo player named Betty. (Dude, do chicks get butt raped in jail? Prolly not right? Tangent Jen, tangent)

I can't even begin to describe to you what I was feeling. It was this SURRGGEEEEE OF ANGER like I have never felt before - mixed with this feeling of vacancy. He was my world, my everything, my love. I sat up in the bed, and I could literally feel my body chemistry changing; I put my head in my hands and just sobbed uncontrollably. It's one thing if your relationship had a lot of ups and downs, and it's one thing if you suspected something - I very literally suspected nothing. Like nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Life is reflective; I couldn't even LOOK at another boy, let alone think about having sex with them. I get blinders when it comes to boys I like. I can't help it, I'm Irish - we are loyal creatures. We're slow to let people in, but once they are in - BAM, lifetime membership.

The room started spinning. Literally.

How could this be happening ...

I loved this person, how could they do this to me ... and with HER?! This chick that I DESPISED (seriously, who BAKES BROWNIES!!!! No one cooks in LA!! blllahhhhhh) - and he told me over and over how much he didn't like her, and how annoying she was to him.

This isn't happening ...

Given, again, not in his defense - but in an attempt to recall this story as truthful as possible, we weren't in a technical sense in an exclusive relationship. Yes, we lived together, but that was with a degree of arm pulling on my part. I had however asked him POINT BLANK about brownie girl specifically if he had kissed anyone after me - and he said no. That part, he did lie about. (Again, who also thought to ask, hey, you fuck any other good pussy lately? HAHAHA never even occurred to me.)

You guys also have to understand he is a mentalist; he knew where my head was at, and he knew what he was doing. He's in fact very. very. very. good at it. I learned from him that love and attraction can actually be broken down into doable actions.

Anyone ever read The Game? You can ABSOLUTELY make someone fall in love with you. I know, because this was part of what he used on me. I started reading a few pages of it a few months later, and just got ENNRRAAAGGGEEEDDDDDD with the fact that there was a book out there like this, and people like me were falling for it. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid?

The writing was on the wall, and at Borders which was RIGHT BENEATH THE APARTMENT!!!!!

I could have fucking bought the book for $20, and known all along. YOU HAVE GOOOTTTT TOOOO BEEEEE KIDDINNNGGGG MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I had been in love twice before, but this was lovvveeeeeeee that hit my soul, knocked me on my ass, and left me in a state of dellerium. Now you're telling me that this was potentially even all a front? Other dudes do this to chicks, and there is a whole sub-culture of this industry?

Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.

(In fact, when it came to bringing on our dating coach, Art of Charm's Jordan Harbinger, I SPECIFICALLY asked if he used any of these techniques, and he said no. He doesn't approve. AMEN!)

He garnished The Game with a side of neuro-linguguistic programming. See, mind readers aren't "actually" mind readers - but it is a science, and those that can master it can obviosuly make a very good living doing it. We first started talking about NLP during one of our long talks about the state of consciousness, and what is and is not. He said, eye movement is controlled by the brain (obviously). So when a person is recalling information, their eyes will look in a certain direction. When they are creating a story, your eyes will move in another direction ... and so on and so on. It's incredibly intense, and I totally suggest googling. It'll blow your FUCKING MIND. And open some really really really big windows to your mind. Aside from just understanding eye movement, another component to neuro-linguistic programming is anchoring.

Per This Site: Ever heard of Russian physiologist & psychologist Ivan Pavlov? He is most well known for his findings on human and animal conditioning. While doing a research on dogs’ digestion, he discovered this phenomenon. When it came to meal time, Pavlov would use bells to call his dogs to the food. After repeating this numerous times, he found that even without any food, the dogs would salivate from hearing the sound of the bell.

By doing so, Pavlov associated the ringing sound of the bell to food. And the numerous repetitions have conditioned the dogs to respond to the ringing bell just like how they respond to food.

This is how NLP anchoring works. By conditioning responses to unique NLP anchors, we are able to deliberately get into specific states just by triggering the unique NLP anchor. Just like Pavlov’s dogs.

So NLP anchors are really a stimulus for us to get into whatever states we want. Similarly as Pavlov uses the ringing bell sound to act as a stimulus, with NLP anchoring, we can set certain anchors to act as the stimulus to certain states. And after many repetitions, the association between the NLP anchor and the state will be conditioned.

Yep, he used that shit on me too. I won't say I was powerless because that envokes a victim's type mentality. I am taking ownership of this story, not victimizing myself - I say this however to relay to you all just how unbelievably on my ass, gut wrenching, soul soaking, head over heels in love I was with this individual.

And now this is happening.

I picked up my phone to call him. The girls came in and freaked out - you can't tell him we told you. You can't tell him we told you, they screamed. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to really know then?

I had an idea ... he hooked up with brownie girl in the car garage - the car garage at his apartment had video cameras. I said, I can say that I befriended the security guard (which was not a lie, we actually did build up a nice rapport), and as a favor, he wanted to tell me he saw something he thought I should know about. Again too, I feel like a dude would have done that if he was trying to get all up on it. The mentalist was CONVINCED all these dudes were always trying to get all up on it - used to drive me nuts. Talk about being insecure, and life being reflective.

The girls didn't know what to say- they didn't know what to do. Their anxiety went through the roof as well. They were still looking for jobs at that time, they still hadn't met a lot of people in town, they were living rent free in the mentalist's apartment, now they just blew his cover? Remember, he told one of them outright what he did that day I was editing the video. So, he knew they knew, they knew he knew, and all of the secrets were safe as long as I didn't know.

Now, I fucking know.

I told them going through the security guard and the video tape was the only way they could preserve their relationship. I couldn't pretend like all of this wasn't happening - I HAD to confront him.

I took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. I immediately started sobbing again. I couldn't believe I was doing this - I was confronting the love of my life for cheating on me with another woman. Did I suddenly transport myself into a bad Lifetime movie? This has to be a dream. I composed myself, dialed the number, and hit send.

Ring

Dude, talk about the LONNGGEESSSTTTT RINNNNGGGGGGGSSS EVVEERRRRRR!!! Time stopped. My heart was pounding so fast, my head hurt ... keep it together Jen ... keep it together. You're strong, you can do this - or if not, fake it til you make it.

It goes to voicemail. He didn't answer. I think, I can't do this over text - I need to talk to him NOWWW!!! He had a habit of this as well, btw. He never answered the phone when I called him. I always thought that was weird (remember that tidbit).

I sent the following text: "I saw a video tape you need to know about, and we need to speak NOW!!!"

A tad bit dramatic? Yes. But if I didn't confront him now, I was going to literally explode. I sat back down on the bed and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Because of all of the crying ... I slowly drifted to sleep.

That night there were no sheep or sugar plums, instead the lullaby of this isn't happening. this isn't happening. this isn't happening. danced in my head.

I woke up the next morning prepared to take action. Step 1. Confront the mentalist. Step 2. Move out.

I was prepared for step 1 immediately, the only problem was, he hadn't texted me back, nor called me - the ultimate disappearing act.

I did the only thing I knew how to do - I turned to Facebook. I learned from working at LiveVideo back in 2007 that lifecasting was truly the only form of therapy that ever worked for me. I had spent my entire life in and out of therapy, on and off anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-life. ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT ever worked on me. Something just clicked when I lifecasted, or even just blogged. There was such a power in sending it out to the universe and releasing it. So different than just jotting something down in a notebook - I feel like it's still in your possession and can still poison the mind until you release it. I didn't have a blog, so I turned to the only thing I had Facebook notes:

(On second thought, I could have turned to Myspace - I did have a lil blog thing doing on over there ... but I wanted my friends, my family, EVERYONE in my life to know that this happened. I had to face the music with or without being able to confront him.)

Literally 5 minutes after posting this ... my phone rang.

It was the mentalist.

Alrite, gonna take a break - hahahaa so fucking cruel, I know. But literally this has been the most draining of the posts yet. Need to meditate for a half hour - recompose myself. I should be able to get another post out of me today.

Either way, again guys, thanks for all the support. Greatly appreciated.

You make me all SOOOO FUCKING PROUD TO TYPE:

#NERDSUNITE!!!

Talk Nerdy To Me Lover | tagged

this is a story about love but this isnt a love story |

nerd love stories,

nerd talk,

Wednesday

Mar302011

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 3)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 10:58AM |

5 Comments | |

Welcome to the next level ... HIZZUAH!!! For realsy, reals, reals ... thank you guys for the support with these posts. I cannot believe the emotions that are just coming up that I am able to let go of. It's weird to be over someone in that traditional sense, but still feel wounded. You ABSOLUTELY have to heal the wound. It's bat shit how good this feels. I kinda wanna bottle it up, and sell it ... and then market it ... and like buy a company car ... and like put blow up dolls in the passenger seat of it so I can ride in the carpool lane ... and like no one will notice. Am I still talking? Shut up Jen.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five ... and here's part two.

HIT IT TONIC!

Before I moved in with the mentalist, I flew out to LA a couple times to kick it with him. On one of the trips he got this call from this chick saying she was in San Diego, and asked if he wanted to hang out. I was all, fuck yah! I love the San Dizzle! Got in the car, and 2 hours later - BAM there we be. Get there, meet the chickies - and omg ... bless their hearts - no seriously, these girls are super super super sweet ... but holy fuck, dumb. Honestly though, I feel like this was a geographic educational system thing. I grew up in Connecticut - we are bred to piss excellence, they're from Minnesota. It is just a very. very. very. different way of life. Personality wise, these girls though are just the nicest people on the planet. I would just say things to them, and one of the girls kept saying - I have no idea what you just said. It was one of those.

Needless to say, we got off on kind of a weird foot. But again, I just love people in general, so I can tone down a bit of my geek speak age, and just roll. It came up at one point when I was down there that these chicks had wanted to move to LA. The mentalist said, hey, why don't you guys live in my apartment while I'm on tour? The girls said FUCK YES!!!! Got really excited ... went home ... and got their affairs together to move out a few months later.

It is now a few months later.

I was really really really nervous about living with these girls. Like really nervous. I just didn't think I would be able to click with them - frankly, I was supposed to be gone at that point, the fact that I was still there was courtesy of some arm twisting ... isn't this fun, dear? I make life so easy for you - you don't want me to leave. OOHHHH the people pleaser! They are never pleased.

So these chickadees move in, again on the air mattress ... in the living room ... the sucky part about that living arrangement though was that the bathroom was in the bedroom. Anytime anyone had to go to the bathroom, they had to walk through the bedroom. That got weird a couple of times.

HAHAHA!! Dude, plus this one time, I was going down on him in the kitchen and one of the girls walked in and then stormed right out. They were so pissed. Sorry, man! We had a lot of sex. It's a beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful thing.

So, now these chicks are in the living room ... and the mentalist had asked everyone at one point if they wouldn't mind helping him with his career. He wanted to reach out to some magazines etc. for press. One of the girls was TOTALLY on board! So she started putzin away ... I then said that I can help make some videos for him. GREAT! He said!!! I sat down grabbed some of his files and such, and just went to town. He had wanted to book more gigs as a motivational speaker (yeah, fucking irony at its finest) - so I said I could take some footage from one of his shows and turn it into a sizzle.

I literally spent all day on that thing. The footage was shotty at best - it was BADDDDD!! BUT! I am proud to say, it came out pretty well.

At one point though during the tough day of editing - his phone rang, it was brownie girl. He said that he was going to talk to her, and end things since she clearly wasn't getting a hint. He grabbed the dish of hers from the top of the fridge, and said he would brb. He didn't have a desk in his house, so I had to edit at the kitchen counter ... on a bar stool. Most painful thing EVER!!! The way the apartment was set up however, my back was to the door. I am a phenomenally driven individual - if I am writing a post, or editing a video ... don't fuck with me. I'm in my zone, most likely in a hoodie - it's one of those things, no noise, no bothering ... leave me be, this is my art.

I can't describe it, but I had the WORST feeling ever about not only her, but in the pit of my stomach at that very moment. Something didn't feel right ... at all. Like no, I cannot stress this enough - SOMETHING DID NOT FEEL RIGHT. I got up from editing (again, something I would NEVER do when I am working), grabbed my car keys, went into the parking garage, and just got in my car. I didn't really know where I was going to go, or what I was going to do when I got there ... I just needed to not be there when he got back.

I wound up going down the street to a Starbucks, and I just sat there in this weird haze. I literally have no idea how to articulate this feeling that something did not make sense. He kept telling me this was just a fan, a girl with a silly crush - but the way this chick was acting didn't make sense. She had to be receiving some sort of validation from him in some regard to keep it up. He's a charming dude and all, but girls would absolutely give up at this point. This chick was RELENTLESS - I kept asking why?

1 and 1 were not equalling 2. I'm a nerd, this shit will bother me until I can come to a logical conclusion - I don't ever stop trying to figure things out.

I get a text "LOL where are you?" I literally remember that exact text. Anytime he knew he did something either wrong, or wasn't being genuine - he would put a LOL in front of it. (Of course obviously this was only in text, or online - he didn't actually say LOL IRL cause WTF I'd start ROFLMAO.) I said I was down the street and would be back soon. I stayed gone for only about 15 more minutes, and headed back to the house. He was leaving that night to go back on tour, and I went in to lay on his bed and help him pack. It was weird, I felt like shit, but the second I walked into the bedroom it was this moment of - oh look what I have over here, videos of some of my old performances ... let's watch! Misdirection much?

We started watching the videos, and this stuff always intrigued me. I loved looking at baby pics of him, movies, anything - I was in love ... chicks dig that shit. He knew that would get me to shut up and stop asking questions.

The next morning, he went off on his tour - and all was pretty bueno. Put it out of my mind ... and just went back to doin what I was doin. One morning, one of the girls stopped me in the living room and asked how did I know the mentalist was being faithful? I was like, what do you mean? He'd tell me if he had sex with someone else! It's part of his job - he has to be available. She looked at me, with those big doe eyes, and asked are you sure? OF COURSE! I said! See that, that was me thinking I was smarter than her ... and me thinking what could you know about the awesomeness that is our relationship?

A couple weeks go by, the girls landed a casting for this music video being shot at this club. HAHA! This is so LA, btw - it's a prerequisite that within your first year of moving here, you will ABSOLUTELY be in a music video. It's a thing, we own it. One of the girls comes back from the music video session COMPLETELY freaking out - OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! You're NEVER going to believe who was there at that shoot? Who I said?

BROWNIE GIRL!!!!

Wha, wha, what??? See, the girls had never met brownie girl face to face, but they had heard ALL about her - and seen a picture. Brownie girl, however, must have known that these two girls were staying with the mentalist because she completely made a bee line for them. I am dead serious when I say that this chick was a fucking psycho bitch. I would not at ALL be surprised if she peeked in the windows and shit. It was super easy to do, and totally freaked me out.

So, brownie girl starts talking to the girls ... telling them that she's in love! Dating this mind reader (she was playing coy at first, and then said wait, you're staying with that same mentalist? weirdo) ... they've been serious since the spring (it was now early fall). She's in love. love. love. love. The girls were shocked. What is this chick ON?! She cannot be for real. Bitches be crazy, don't get me wrong ... but again, girls will move on if they receive no validation of their emotions in that regard. No one gets THAT hung up unless we're talking restraining order territory.

The girls didn't tell me at first all of the details of their interaction. They had made a pact to each other to not say anything to me about it. Remember, they were friends with the mentalist first and foremost. I know girl code, I know ... I know ... but also, these chicks tried telling me on NUMEROUS occasions that he was seeing other people. Love is blind - you choose to see what you want to see.

HAHAHAAHAH!! Connect and share is RIGHT! A few days later though, a Facebook message comes in to one of the girls - yep, it was brownie girl. She sends this LOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG email with clips of texts he sent her, that she doesn't know why he's pulling back after he said that she loved him ... and wait for it, wait for it, that she's also pregnant with his child (THIS IS JERRY SPRINGER SHIT!!!! CANT MAKE THIS UP!!!!).

The girls freak out, and show me the email.

I remember vividly sitting on the couch reading all of it - and it just absolutely did not sink in. I started crying. Like crying crying.

I ran out of the apartment, and sat over by the pool. I started hyperventilating. I calmed myself down, and walked back into the apartment. I said, wait, she's GOT to be crazy! He needs to get a restraining order!!!! The girls looked at me, stunned. Yes - I really was that thick headed. Even in that moment, reading all of that on the screen - in black and white ... er, it's Facebook, so white and blue ... I still thought this was some big lie. (Hilarious too since I thought I was the smart one in general in this scenario.)

One of the girls piped up and said Jen ... remember the day you were editing that video and he gave her the dish? I said yeah. She goes, what do you think they were doing? I said, what do you mean what do I think they were doing? Talking. He was basically telling her to fuck off. They looked at each other, then looked back at me - what I said? What do you know? One of the girls got up and left the apartment saying, I cannot be a part of this. I can't do this. I can't!!!

SPIT IT OUT I SCREAMED!!!!! She grabbed my hands and said, well, when you had your back to the door - he came back in a few minutes after leaving and grabbed his car keys. He motioned to me with his finger to his mouth to not say anything to you. He later told me that she gave him head in the car.

I said, wait! WHAT!!!!! How is that possible??? No! No! NOOO!!! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!

Then, logic took over, and I thought ... omg, FUCK! I WALKED RIGHT PAST HIS CAR WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE GARAGE!!!!

Yep, like 10 feet away from my car as I was pulling away, he was puttin it in. Charming, right?

Alrite - gonna take a breather. Wow. Putting this all on paper is just the most liberating thing imaginable.

Next up, I'll tell you all how I confronted him, about the pregnancy, and oh yeah - did I mention that this story only gets more intense from here? FUCKING CRAZY.

I ask as a favor to the community for comments, tweets, whatever to be INCREDIBLY gentle. These are very raw wounds I am exposing, and I am incredibly embarrassed by how fucking stupid I was regarding this individual ... but its a part of life, and this is my next doable action.

Thanks so so so much for reading. You have no idea how good it feels to just let these feelings out.

xoxo #nerdsunite

Talk Nerdy To Me Lover | tagged

broken heart,

broken heart stories,

this is a story about love but this isnt a love story |

nerd love,

nerd love stories,

Tuesday

Mar292011

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 2)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 at 11:12AM |

2 Comments | |