This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 4)

In the next chapter of, As the Rubiks Cube Turns .... HA! Your comments on these stories guys make my FUCKING LIFE! Thank you for reading - I'm equally enjoying getting this off of my chest.  Sad I got called a bitch this morning on Facebook from one of the chickadees. I understand, but I was trying to convey that here I was being a miss know it all, and I really didn't know anything. I understand I can be brutally honest, almost to a default, like literally yesterday at CAA I made the head of the TV department turn BRRIIIGGHHHTTTTTTTTTTT red. I'm not exactly politically correct, nor do I have a filter. I just have to own that, and get over it. Actions have consequences - I understand. Things will be what they will be, I hold people in a place of unconditional love, and I'm gonna keep on keepin on.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five ... here's part two ... and here's part three.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

I can only think of one song I wanna hear when writing this post. You know the one I'm talking about ...

HIT IT BLU!!!

So, I just found out that literally the love of my life cheated on me. Like, the entire time we were together. Like, they fucked in the bed that I was currently crying in. Like, he told me he loved me - told me he wanted me to have his children, told me he wanted to go into business together, told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ...

HE TOLD ME HE FUCKING LOVED ME!!!!!!

LAST TIME I CHECKED FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE WAS NOT AN ACT OF LOVE!!!

(Although yes, swingers have a time and a place in life, and can be a wonderfully enjoyable experience. This was neither that time, nor that place.)

Fortunately, while all of this was going on, he was on tour. I kid you not, if he had been there I prolly would have walked out of that apartment, gone down to a gun shop, learned how to fire a gun ... 

Tangent: I actually have since learned how to fire a gun ... and even have a KILLER shot! LOOK!! ...

Fuck yeah motha fuckaaa!!! This was my first time shooting!

... purchased said gun, waited the three days, shot him in cold blood, and been PERFECTLY content with sitting in a jail cell for the rest of my life with a shit eating grin on my face as I got butt raped by a bingo player named Betty. (Dude, do chicks get butt raped in jail? Prolly not right? Tangent Jen, tangent)

I can't even begin to describe to you what I was feeling. It was this SURRGGEEEEE OF ANGER like I have never felt before - mixed with this feeling of vacancy. He was my world, my everything, my love. I sat up in the bed, and I could literally feel my body chemistry changing; I put my head in my hands and just sobbed uncontrollably. It's one thing if your relationship had a lot of ups and downs, and it's one thing if you suspected something - I very literally suspected nothing. Like nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Life is reflective; I couldn't even LOOK at another boy, let alone think about having sex with them. I get blinders when it comes to boys I like. I can't help it, I'm Irish - we are loyal creatures. We're slow to let people in, but once they are in - BAM, lifetime membership.

The room started spinning. Literally.

How could this be happening ...

How could this be happening ...

How could this be happening ...

I loved this person, how could they do this to me ... and with HER?! This chick that I DESPISED (seriously, who BAKES BROWNIES!!!! No one cooks in LA!! blllahhhhhh) - and he told me over and over how much he didn't like her, and how annoying she was to him.

This isn't happening ...

This isn't happening ...

This isn't happening ...

Given, again, not in his defense - but in an attempt to recall this story as truthful as possible, we weren't in a technical sense in an exclusive relationship. Yes, we lived together, but that was with a degree of arm pulling on my part. I had however asked him POINT BLANK about brownie girl specifically if he had kissed anyone after me - and he said no. That part, he did lie about. (Again, who also thought to ask, hey, you fuck any other good pussy lately? HAHAHA never even occurred to me.)

You guys also have to understand he is a mentalist; he knew where my head was at, and he knew what he was doing. He's in fact very. very. very. good at it. I learned from him that love and attraction can actually be broken down into doable actions.

Anyone ever read The Game? You can ABSOLUTELY make someone fall in love with you. I know, because this was part of what he used on me. I started reading a few pages of it a few months later, and just got ENNRRAAAGGGEEEDDDDDD with the fact that there was a book out there like this, and people like me were falling for it. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid? How could I be so stupid?

The writing was on the wall, and at Borders which was RIGHT BENEATH THE APARTMENT!!!!!

I could have fucking bought the book for $20, and known all along. YOU HAVE GOOOTTTT TOOOO BEEEEE KIDDINNNGGGG MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I had been in love twice before, but this was lovvveeeeeeee that hit my soul, knocked me on my ass, and left me in a state of dellerium. Now you're telling me that this was potentially even all a front? Other dudes do this to chicks, and there is a whole sub-culture of this industry?

Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.

(In fact, when it came to bringing on our dating coach, Art of Charm's Jordan Harbinger, I SPECIFICALLY asked if he used any of these techniques, and he said no. He doesn't approve. AMEN!)

He garnished The Game with a side of neuro-linguguistic programming. See, mind readers aren't "actually" mind readers - but it is a science, and those that can master it can obviosuly make a very good living doing it. We first started talking about NLP during one of our long talks about the state of consciousness, and what is and is not. He said, eye movement is controlled by the brain (obviously). So when a person is recalling information, their eyes will look in a certain direction. When they are creating a story, your eyes will move in another direction ... and so on and so on. It's incredibly intense, and I totally suggest googling. It'll blow your FUCKING MIND. And open some really really really big windows to your mind. Aside from just understanding eye movement, another component to neuro-linguistic programming is anchoring.

Per This Site: Ever heard of Russian physiologist & psychologist Ivan Pavlov? He is most well known for his findings on human and animal conditioning. While doing a research on dogs’ digestion, he discovered this phenomenon. When it came to meal time, Pavlov would use bells to call his dogs to the food. After repeating this numerous times, he found that even without any food, the dogs would salivate from hearing the sound of the bell.

By doing so, Pavlov associated the ringing sound of the bell to food. And the numerous repetitions have conditioned the dogs to respond to the ringing bell just like how they respond to food.

This is how NLP anchoring works. By conditioning responses to unique NLP anchors, we are able to deliberately get into specific states just by triggering the unique NLP anchor. Just like Pavlov’s dogs.

So NLP anchors are really a stimulus for us to get into whatever states we want. Similarly as Pavlov uses the ringing bell sound to act as a stimulus, with NLP anchoring, we can set certain anchors to act as the stimulus to certain states. And after many repetitions, the association between the NLP anchor and the state will be conditioned.

Yep, he used that shit on me too. I won't say I was powerless because that envokes a victim's type mentality. I am taking ownership of this story, not victimizing myself - I say this however to relay to you all just how unbelievably on my ass, gut wrenching, soul soaking, head over heels in love I was with this individual.

And now this is happening.

I picked up my phone to call him. The girls came in and freaked out - you can't tell him we told you. You can't tell him we told you, they screamed. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to really know then?

I had an idea ... he hooked up with brownie girl in the car garage - the car garage at his apartment had video cameras. I said, I can say that I befriended the security guard (which was not a lie, we actually did build up a nice rapport), and as a favor, he wanted to tell me he saw something he thought I should know about. Again too, I feel like a dude would have done that if he was trying to get all up on it. The mentalist was CONVINCED all these dudes were always trying to get all up on it - used to drive me nuts. Talk about being insecure, and life being reflective.

The girls didn't know what to say- they didn't know what to do. Their anxiety went through the roof as well. They were still looking for jobs at that time, they still hadn't met a lot of people in town, they were living rent free in the mentalist's apartment, now they just blew his cover? Remember, he told one of them outright what he did that day I was editing the video. So, he knew they knew, they knew he knew, and all of the secrets were safe as long as I didn't know.

Now, I fucking know.

I told them going through the security guard and the video tape was the only way they could preserve their relationship. I couldn't pretend like all of this wasn't happening - I HAD to confront him.

I took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. I immediately started sobbing again. I couldn't believe I was doing this - I was confronting the love of my life for cheating on me with another woman. Did I suddenly transport myself into a bad Lifetime movie? This has to be a dream. I composed myself, dialed the number, and hit send.

Ring

Ring

Ring

Dude, talk about the LONNGGEESSSTTTT RINNNNGGGGGGGSSS EVVEERRRRRR!!! Time stopped. My heart was pounding so fast, my head hurt ... keep it together Jen ... keep it together. You're strong, you can do this - or if not, fake it til you make it.

It goes to voicemail. He didn't answer. I think, I can't do this over text - I need to talk to him NOWWW!!! He had a habit of this as well, btw. He never answered the phone when I called him. I always thought that was weird (remember that tidbit).

I sent the following text: "I saw a video tape you need to know about, and we need to speak NOW!!!"

A tad bit dramatic? Yes. But if I didn't confront him now, I was going to literally explode. I sat back down on the bed and sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Because of all of the crying ... I slowly drifted to sleep.

That night there were no sheep or sugar plums, instead the lullaby of this isn't happening. this isn't happening. this isn't happening. danced in my head.

I woke up the next morning prepared to take action. Step 1. Confront the mentalist. Step 2. Move out.

I was prepared for step 1 immediately, the only problem was, he hadn't texted me back, nor called me - the ultimate disappearing act.

I did the only thing I knew how to do - I turned to Facebook. I learned from working at LiveVideo back in 2007 that lifecasting was truly the only form of therapy that ever worked for me. I had spent my entire life in and out of therapy, on and off anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-life. ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT ever worked on me. Something just clicked when I lifecasted, or even just blogged. There was such a power in sending it out to the universe and releasing it. So different than just jotting something down in a notebook - I feel like it's still in your possession and can still poison the mind until you release it. I didn't have a blog, so I turned to the only thing I had Facebook notes:

(On second thought, I could have turned to Myspace - I did have a lil blog thing doing on over there ... but I wanted my friends, my family, EVERYONE in my life to know that this happened. I had to face the music with or without being able to confront him.)

Literally 5 minutes after posting this ... my phone rang.

It was the mentalist.

Alrite, gonna take a break - hahahaa so fucking cruel, I know. But literally this has been the most draining of the posts yet. Need to meditate for a half hour - recompose myself. I should be able to get another post out of me today.

Either way, again guys, thanks for all the support. Greatly appreciated.

You make me all SOOOO FUCKING PROUD TO TYPE:

#NERDSUNITE!!!

Click here to read the next installment

This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 3)

Welcome to the next level ... HIZZUAH!!! For realsy, reals, reals ... thank you guys for the support with these posts. I cannot believe the emotions that are just coming up that I am able to let go of. It's weird to be over someone in that traditional sense, but still feel wounded. You ABSOLUTELY have to heal the wound. It's bat shit how good this feels. I kinda wanna bottle it up, and sell it ... and then market it ... and like buy a company car ... and like put blow up dolls in the passenger seat of it so I can ride in the carpool lane ... and like no one will notice. Am I still talking? Shut up Jen.

K ... so if you're not caught up on what's goin down ... here's part one ... and here's part one point five ... and here's part two.

(Basically, I got my heart supremely broken a year and a half ago ... it actually was one of the reasons that I started this blessed little site. It's impairing my current OkCupid social experiment ... so I decided to grab this story by the balls and take ownership of it. These are a series of posts that I am doing to hash it out and make it tangible so I can move on since I can't afford therapy. FOR REALS!! That shit is expensive!!!)

HIT IT TONIC!  

Before I moved in with the mentalist, I flew out to LA a couple times to kick it with him. On one of the trips he got this call from this chick saying she was in San Diego, and asked if he wanted to hang out. I was all, fuck yah! I love the San Dizzle! Got in the car, and 2 hours later - BAM there we be. Get there, meet the chickies - and omg ... bless their hearts - no seriously, these girls are super super super sweet ... but holy fuck, dumb. Honestly though, I feel like this was a geographic educational system thing. I grew up in Connecticut - we are bred to piss excellence, they're from Minnesota. It is just a very. very. very. different way of life. Personality wise, these girls though are just the nicest people on the planet. I would just say things to them, and one of the girls kept saying - I have no idea what you just said. It was one of those.

Needless to say, we got off on kind of a weird foot. But again, I just love people in general, so I can tone down a bit of my geek speak age, and just roll. It came up at one point when I was down there that these chicks had wanted to move to LA. The mentalist said, hey, why don't you guys live in my apartment while I'm on tour? The girls said FUCK YES!!!! Got really excited ... went home ... and got their affairs together to move out a few months later.

It is now a few months later.

I was really really really nervous about living with these girls. Like really nervous. I just didn't think I would be able to click with them - frankly, I was supposed to be gone at that point, the fact that I was still there was courtesy of some arm twisting ... isn't this fun, dear? I make life so easy for you - you don't want me to leave. OOHHHH the people pleaser! They are never pleased.

So these chickadees move in, again on the air mattress ... in the living room ... the sucky part about that living arrangement though was that the bathroom was in the bedroom. Anytime anyone had to go to the bathroom, they had to walk through the bedroom. That got weird a couple of times.

HAHAHA!! Dude, plus this one time, I was going down on him in the kitchen and one of the girls walked in and then stormed right out. They were so pissed. Sorry, man! We had a lot of sex. It's a beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful thing.

So, now these chicks are in the living room ... and the mentalist had asked everyone at one point if they wouldn't mind helping him with his career. He wanted to reach out to some magazines etc. for press. One of the girls was TOTALLY on board! So she started putzin away ... I then said that I can help make some videos for him. GREAT! He said!!! I sat down grabbed some of his files and such, and just went to town. He had wanted to book more gigs as a motivational speaker (yeah, fucking irony at its finest) - so I said I could take some footage from one of his shows and turn it into a sizzle.

I literally spent all day on that thing. The footage was shotty at best - it was BADDDDD!! BUT! I am proud to say, it came out pretty well.

At one point though during the tough day of editing - his phone rang, it was brownie girl. He said that he was going to talk to her, and end things since she clearly wasn't getting a hint. He grabbed the dish of hers from the top of the fridge, and said he would brb. He didn't have a desk in his house, so I had to edit at the kitchen counter ... on a bar stool. Most painful thing EVER!!! The way the apartment was set up however, my back was to the door. I am a phenomenally driven individual - if I am writing a post, or editing a video ... don't fuck with me. I'm in my zone, most likely in a hoodie - it's one of those things, no noise, no bothering ... leave me be, this is my art.

I can't describe it, but I had the WORST feeling ever about not only her, but in the pit of my stomach at that very moment. Something didn't feel right ... at all. Like no, I cannot stress this enough - SOMETHING DID NOT FEEL RIGHT. I got up from editing (again, something I would NEVER do when I am working), grabbed my car keys, went into the parking garage, and just got in my car. I didn't really know where I was going to go, or what I was going to do when I got there ... I just needed to not be there when he got back.

I wound up going down the street to a Starbucks, and I just sat there in this weird haze. I literally have no idea how to articulate this feeling that something did not make sense. He kept telling me this was just a fan, a girl with a silly crush - but the way this chick was acting didn't make sense. She had to be receiving some sort of validation from him in some regard to keep it up. He's a charming dude and all, but girls would absolutely give up at this point. This chick was RELENTLESS - I kept asking why?

1 and 1 were not equalling 2. I'm a nerd, this shit will bother me until I can come to a logical conclusion - I don't ever stop trying to figure things out.

I get a text "LOL where are you?" I literally remember that exact text. Anytime he knew he did something either wrong, or wasn't being genuine - he would put a LOL in front of it. (Of course obviously this was only in text, or online - he didn't actually say LOL IRL cause WTF I'd start ROFLMAO.) I said I was down the street and would be back soon. I stayed gone for only about 15 more minutes, and headed back to the house. He was leaving that night to go back on tour, and I went in to lay on his bed and help him pack. It was weird, I felt like shit, but the second I walked into the bedroom it was this moment of - oh look what I have over here, videos of some of my old performances ... let's watch! Misdirection much?

We started watching the videos, and this stuff always intrigued me. I loved looking at baby pics of him, movies, anything - I was in love ... chicks dig that shit. He knew that would get me to shut up and stop asking questions.

The next morning, he went off on his tour - and all was pretty bueno. Put it out of my mind ... and just went back to doin what I was doin. One morning, one of the girls stopped me in the living room and asked how did I know the mentalist was being faithful? I was like, what do you mean? He'd tell me if he had sex with someone else! It's part of his job - he has to be available. She looked at me, with those big doe eyes, and asked are you sure? OF COURSE! I said! See that, that was me thinking I was smarter than her ... and me thinking what could you know about the awesomeness that is our relationship?

A couple weeks go by, the girls landed a casting for this music video being shot at this club. HAHA! This is so LA, btw - it's a prerequisite that within your first year of moving here, you will ABSOLUTELY be in a music video. It's a thing, we own it. One of the girls comes back from the music video session COMPLETELY freaking out - OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! You're NEVER going to believe who was there at that shoot? Who I said?

BROWNIE GIRL!!!!

Wha, wha, what??? See, the girls had never met brownie girl face to face, but they had heard ALL about her - and seen a picture. Brownie girl, however, must have known that these two girls were staying with the mentalist because she completely made a bee line for them. I am dead serious when I say that this chick was a fucking psycho bitch. I would not at ALL be surprised if she peeked in the windows and shit. It was super easy to do, and totally freaked me out.

So, brownie girl starts talking to the girls ... telling them that she's in love! Dating this mind reader (she was playing coy at first, and then said wait, you're staying with that same mentalist? weirdo) ... they've been serious since the spring (it was now early fall). She's in love. love. love. love. The girls were shocked. What is this chick ON?! She cannot be for real. Bitches be crazy, don't get me wrong ... but again, girls will move on if they receive no validation of their emotions in that regard. No one gets THAT hung up unless we're talking restraining order territory.

The girls didn't tell me at first all of the details of their interaction. They had made a pact to each other to not say anything to me about it. Remember, they were friends with the mentalist first and foremost. I know girl code, I know ... I know ... but also, these chicks tried telling me on NUMEROUS occasions that he was seeing other people. Love is blind - you choose to see what you want to see.

HAHAHAAHAH!! Connect and share is RIGHT! A few days later though, a Facebook message comes in to one of the girls - yep, it was brownie girl. She sends this LOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG email with clips of texts he sent her, that she doesn't know why he's pulling back after he said that she loved him ... and wait for it, wait for it, that she's also pregnant with his child (THIS IS JERRY SPRINGER SHIT!!!! CANT MAKE THIS UP!!!!).

The girls freak out, and show me the email.

I remember vividly sitting on the couch reading all of it - and it just absolutely did not sink in. I started crying. Like crying crying.

I ran out of the apartment, and sat over by the pool. I started hyperventilating. I calmed myself down, and walked back into the apartment. I said, wait, she's GOT to be crazy! He needs to get a restraining order!!!! The girls looked at me, stunned. Yes - I really was that thick headed. Even in that moment, reading all of that on the screen - in black and white ... er, it's Facebook, so white and blue ... I still thought this was some big lie. (Hilarious too since I thought I was the smart one in general in this scenario.)

One of the girls piped up and said Jen ... remember the day you were editing that video and he gave her the dish? I said yeah. She goes, what do you think they were doing? I said, what do you mean what do I think they were doing? Talking. He was basically telling her to fuck off. They looked at each other, then looked back at me - what I said? What do you know? One of the girls got up and left the apartment saying, I cannot be a part of this. I can't do this. I can't!!!

SPIT IT OUT I SCREAMED!!!!! She grabbed my hands and said, well, when you had your back to the door - he came back in a few minutes after leaving and grabbed his car keys. He motioned to me with his finger to his mouth to not say anything to you. He later told me that she gave him head in the car.

I said, wait! WHAT!!!!! How is that possible??? No! No! NOOO!!! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!

Then, logic took over, and I thought ... omg, FUCK! I WALKED RIGHT PAST HIS CAR WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE GARAGE!!!!

Yep, like 10 feet away from my car as I was pulling away, he was puttin it in. Charming, right?

Alrite - gonna take a breather. Wow. Putting this all on paper is just the most liberating thing imaginable.

Next up, I'll tell you all how I confronted him, about the pregnancy, and oh yeah - did I mention that this story only gets more intense from here? FUCKING CRAZY.

I ask as a favor to the community for comments, tweets, whatever to be INCREDIBLY gentle. These are very raw wounds I am exposing, and I am incredibly embarrassed by how fucking stupid I was regarding this individual ... but its a part of life, and this is my next doable action.

Thanks so so so much for reading. You have no idea how good it feels to just let these feelings out.

xoxo #nerdsunite

Click here to read the next installment

Fun with #OkCupid: Way to jam my mailbox!

HAHAHA!! What an amazing day on OkCupid. I'm currently up to my eyeballs writing this post called "This is a story about love ... but this isn't a love story" (a disection of my last relationship that caused my heart to be broken so badly) and holy moly guacamole, the emails keep coming in!! Some of these are so effin rad! Read read read ... 

This was hands down the best written email ever. So direct - this guy MUST be in sales. He's totally got a way with words. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. 

Yeah, no dude. There is no "application" process. I'm actually dating these peeps. I just so happen to also be documenting it as an after thought because this is what I do with my life anyway. No bueno. And FTR, totally fill out your personality profile as well. Super lame profile. 

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. There can't be a coincidence on an energy level with the fact that I am in the middle of writing this supppperrrrrrr deep post about having my heart broken on the same day that I literally had to clear my inbox from too many emails. Bat shit!! Bat shit!! Bat shit!!! 

Keep on keepin on! I'm reading, and scoping out your profiles.

#nerdsunite

Live in LA and wanna go out on a date? Hit me up on OKC here.

#Confession: I'm in an emotional funk-dee-dunk

oh boy oh boy oh boy. literally. oh boy. I'm kind of in a funk today. Not like funk, funk - but I am feeling personally conflicted.

So, I've talked about this a whole bunch on the site lately that I have a super crush on this boy. He's rad, we talk all the time ... which is WEIRD for me, because I don't ever want to talk to someone every day. Literally, I am totally the opposite of the chick that harasses dudes all the time. I require a shit ton of space when I'm doing anything with a dude ... with him though, I just want it. All the time. It's tragic and totally puppy dog. I'm a pitbull, not a fucking puppy. Well actually, I think I'd be more like a German Shepard. I really like German Shepards. Sweet, but pack a nice punch. I digress ...

I really like this boy, but I just feel like anyone coming out of anything with someone is a red flag. Like that's a big red flag. This dude is my friend, so above me just wanting to like be all up on it - I really want to advise him to kinda get his head together. He's a smart dude, seemingly has his shit together, from what I've been exposed to - I just feel like I'm kinda taking advantage of someone in a vulnerable state. Again, dude, they've totally been on and off for a really long time ... I get that, but love is not something you just bounce back from. The opposite, you have to let it play out and evolve naturally.

I don't know if this is a fear based response on my part by not wanting to get hurt, or me just being phenomenally logical in an otherwise relatively weird scenario. We talked about all of this yesterday, and I told him that I wasn't going anywhere - and I very literally meant that. This dude is the shit; I feel like though at the same time as me saying that it could put even more pressure on him. I want him to take his own time for him, not because he knows there is someone waiting, because that is weird and feels entirely counterproductive. Right?

I don't want to go out on more OKC dates, but I feel like I should. Dude, I couldn't kiss another guy right now ... that would just be blah, I want his lips ... no one elses, but I feel like that's not okay. Like at all. In any sort of healthy anything there needs to be balance. I wish I could balance my heart.

I am so fucking loyal it feels like a defect sometimes.

I am crazy passionate. crazy crazy crazy passionate. If I like you, I LIKKKKKEEEE you. I never find dudes that I LIKKKKKEEEEE which is why I know he's special, and there's something different going on.

A big part of me wants to tell him to go away for the next few weeks, and find his own legs to stand on. But then is that enough? It seems so arbitrary. Then at the same time, I'm already started to feel attached in a certain regard, so I really don't want to have to do that. I like our little IM sessions. I even gave him a super secret IM name - total bat line. Loves it! At what point does my responsibility as a friend to someone take over the part of me that wants to just jump his bones and make a go of it?

I really really really need to take this one slow. Super slow. Like crazy stupid slow. We're both in big time agreement on that. Above all, I just want this dude to be okay. I would never ever ever want to hurt any of my friends, or place myself in a situation where I could be hurt. I'm very protective of this little heart of mine. Afterall, a broken heart was a big part of what started this entire community, and the most epic life changing decisions ever. This sucks ass either way, because no matter what I am still not getting anything that I want out of this scenario, but at least I'll know I did the right thing. Any suggestions?

#dazedandconfused