#TipsForDudes: Take Charge!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

First off, this absolutely does not mean: be chauvinistic, be controlling, be demanding or be rude.

What it does mean is to be aggressive.  I know, I know, it is 2011, and as women, we know that we don’t need you to take charge.  I’m sure some women don’t want it at all.  But for a lot of us, we do.  I know that I make decisions ALL.DAY.LONG.  Stupid decisions, hard decisions, whatever, but I am always making the final call on something.  So it really turns me on to have someone make those decisions for me.  Where to eat, what we are going to do, sexual positions...I don’t care what it is, but just to have someone take a little bit of control is awesome.

If you are in the mood - initiate.  If you get turned down, who cares?  Try again tomorrow.  And if it works - amazing!  Take charge and own your chance!  Don’t, I repeat, DO NOT just kiss and kiss and have no plans for a middle or end game.  Don’t leave it up to your lady to make the next move every time.  You are the one that initiated, you are the one that should lead this sexy dance. 

Having said all of that, don’t start ordering for us at a restaurant.  Don’t tell us who we can hang out with.  Do tell us that you are going to give it to us from behind before...well....whatever you want to do.  Just make a decision, and leave it up to us to veto it if we need to. 

Oh yeah, and use those man muscles to pick us up by our butts and toss us on the bed from time to time.  You won’t be sorry.  

#TipsForDudes: The Bermuda Triangle of Dating

 #TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Okay, this one is actually for chicks, too - really it's for anyone that is dating, whether it's serious or new.  Now that we are into the meat of December, we have entered what I like to call the Bermuda Triangle of Dating.  It is a tough time of year, especially for relationsips.  Here's the thing - once you have reached mid-December, you tend to be stuck in whatever relationship you are in.  If you aren't happy, it is now going to be really hard to get out of.  At this point you have probably already bought a gift for your datee, and even if you haven't there is a solid chance that they have gotten one for you.  Now that we're just a week away, it's hard to want to either spend the holidays alone, or back out on the prospect of that new watch you've had your eye on.  And who wants to be the asshole that breaks up with someone right before Christmas?

Then right around the corner is New Year's Eve.  This is a tricky one, too.  While it isn't a traditionally romantic holiday, it seems to be the one that everyone wants to be paired up for.  The new year is a time to start things out right, or at least be in someone's arm so you feel like you are heading in the right direction.  So you are stuck for another couple of weeks. 

That takes us just a month away from Valentine's Day.  You have a very small window of opportunity here - if you want out, early January is a good choice.  Wait too long, and you are the douchenozzle that breaks a heart right before the big love day.  Valentine's day is a tough one anyways, and everyone loses their damn minds about it.  If you want to psychologically damage someone, especially a bleeding heart, break up with them in this time frame.  Yikes.

So with Christmas just a week away, now is the time to decide if you want out, or if you want to wait until late February to move on.  This isn't just an emotional commitment, this is a financial issue as well.  I personally think that if you aren't happy you should get out whenever you need to.  I don't care if it's Christmas morning with everyone in their footie pajamas.  Cut it off, do it nicely, and save them from wondering if you stayed because of the season.  You only live once, and you have to own it.  There just isn't time for silliness.  I just wanted to warn you that it gets complicated.  So be careful.

And follow me on Twitter.  Like now.

#TipsForDudes: Masturbation

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Aaah, the sticky subject of masturbation (yeah, I had to go there).  But for reals, it really is a touchy subject, right?  It's so universally taboo that we have TONS of names for it: whacking off, choking the chicken, tickling the pickle, spanking the monkey, beating the meat, wanking it, double clicking your own mouse...I even dated a guy that called it rubbing one out.  Ew.  Masturbation seems so...organic.  But it is soooooo soo so different for men and women. 

Men masturbate.  It's just what they do.  Their sexness is all physical and up in their face and can make them sick (not to mention beyotchy!) if they don't take care of business. 

Women are kinda split on the subject.  Some do it, some don't.  But some women are totally cool with their sexuality while some...not so much.

But here's the thing about the gender crossover thingy - masturbation for the other sex is hard to understand.  As ladyfaces don't really get why men feel the need to do it so often.  And men don't understand why we don't do it more.  Or why we get pissed when they do it.  Following all this, friends?

Here's my take on it.  I think that women tend to feel super insecure about every singe part of everything anyways, so throw something like a man needing extra stimulation just comes across as a huge ego blow.  It makes women feel inadequate, like our sexing isn't quite enough.  Or maybe they are imagining someone else's naughty parts while they do it.  It's a whole tangled web of insecurities.  Some ladies want to know every time it happens.  Some don't want to know about it at all, like it doesn't exist.  And some are just okay with it, and get that it's just part of being a dood.  I look at it a little differently - I'm just super curious about it. 

I honestly don't masturbate.  People always think I'm lying about that, but I don't.  I own toys, but the hubs is the master of those things.  Don't get me wrong, I have.  Like twice.  I'm not into it at all, and it just didn't do anything for me, like at all.  It's a mental thing, not a phsyical thing, so, yeah, not my thing.  And why in the world would I ever do anything for myself that I have never ever had a problem getting someone else to do for me?  Anyways, I am curious about the manbraindingle (Sarah Palin can make up words, so can I), so I always want to talk to him about it.  I want to know when he does it just so I can pick his brain and look at all the facts surrounding why and when and where and factors leading up to it.  And he doesn't mind telling me, because there is usually a big chance that I'll crash the party - give some material, help, or take over completely. 

So doods, don't lie about it.  It happens.  But also try not to make it more frequent than showers.  No one wants a weiner addict, and whether you are single or coupled, you aren't doing anyone any favors by sensitizing yourself.  I'll lay it out for you nerds:

frequent masturbation = brevity. 

brevity + sex = fail. 

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#TipsForDudes: Flowers

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Never buy carnations for your lady.  While the gesture of buying flowers should be enough, and certainly is commendable, the only thing worse than buying a boquet of carnations for someone is buying a boquet of baby's breath.  Carnations make women feel cheap, and second best.  Remember in middle school when you could buy a carnation for your valentine for $.50?  So do we.

So unless your ladyfriend tells you specifically, and more than once, that she loves carnations, go for something else. Daisies, lillies and tulips are beautiful and don't carry the stigma of roses. 

CARNATIONS = COCK BLOCK

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