#HowTo: Satisfy the self (true blue tips on how to have an orgasm from penetration)

Dear Mom and Dad, 

I feel like this one is a no brainer, but please go away. I love you SO FREAKING MUCH, but stop reading this now. You do not ever need to know that I have sex, and um ... yeah. Oh look a kitty cat ... 

Anywho, hi to everyone not in my family. 

So, I'm crazy efficient when it comes to breaking things down; it's how my brain works, I CONSISTENTLY seek to solve for y. This obviously works well in the webspace, but also doesn't hurt in the sexual department. Dudes, I can please my punanana something fierce. I'm here to tell you all today some of the kinks in the pink that have worked in the hopes of all of you loverly people getting to experience it as well. 

Bit of a backstory first (no pun intended) ... I've been having orgasms from penetration since I was 24. Remember the mentalist? He gave me my first one, followed by a handful of guys since.

So why only some guys and not others? 

I'm not entirely sure, but here is what I have learned by analyzing the process thus far:

1) Being in love matters. 

It's a scientific fact that being in love changes your brain chemistry. Your brain is releasing dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin, and vasopressin (to name a few) - and these hormones make it fundamentally easier for your body to be capable of achieving orgasm (thank you evolution!!). Dudes, the female orgasm is a CRAZY overwhelming thing. I remember the first time I had one, I was literally scared out of my mind that OMG OMG OMG I just shared this thing that I've only ever done by myself with ANOTHER PERSON IN THIS WORLD!!! I couldn't believe I was able to have one, and then the second that I did my body was CHAARRGGEEEDDDD with so many overwhelming feelings and thoughts ... from shame, to elation, to ... I don't even know; I was just so overwhelmed with the process that I GENUINELY went into shock that I could even be capable of sharing this intimate thing with another person. I then realized through copious amounts of googling, that being in love really mattered for me to be able to experience this. I had been in love twice before the mentalist, but because my body was physically maturing, it certainly did make it also easier. 

This brings me to point number two ... 

2) You have to feel comfortable in your skin. 

That actually sounds like such a grand notion rather than something factual and tangible - so lemme break it down for you a bit more ... 

You need to stop thinking about your body and get lost in the sexual bliss. Think about it, when you masturbate you're not wondering a) am I doing this right or b) do I look fat from this angle? You're instead esconced in your own essence and embracing every move and every ounce of pleasure. Replicate that experience when it comes to sex. I know it's hard to imagine, but the more comfortable you can be in your own skin during the process, the easier this entire situation becomes. 

3) Being on top matters. 

The only time I've ever had an orgasm from being on my back was from when I was receiving oral. (And from that I've only ever had an orgasm once.) Being on top makes it easier for a female since you can control how fast or slow you are going, and also how much stimulation the clitoris actually receives in the process. My first one happened on a couch, but I've also had them on a bed. Depending on the size of the guy and your genital compatability, you can also put a pillow under the dude's butt to help with the lift and thrust, but either way, being on top will CERTAINLY make it a lot easier for you to be able to have the actual orgasm. 

4) Know your time of the month, and plan accordingly. 

The week before my period I am SUUPPPPEERRRRRR friggen horny. Like CRAZY horny - and I'm a horny human being to begin with, but you add that in ... and wooooaahhhh nelly mcdelly, I will fuck your dick right off. I can't help it, it's biological. My hormones are all over the place, I will spend an afternoon crying at a how sweet Kindergarten Cop is, and I will be COMPLETELY incapable of making a logical decision. Just, period end of sentence (no pun intended) - that's how I get. The flip side of this emotional clusterfuck however is the fact that I'm also more sexually charged, and can even achieve multiple orgasms with incredible ease. 

It freaks me out actually, I have literally spent afternoons masturbating since the orgasms wouldn't stop happening!! 

Planning your first orgasm from penetration may not be exactly an easy thing to do, but be conscious when you are having sex before your period. Understand that this is a special time for your body and being able to achieve the orgasm becomes fundamentally easier. 

Whoop Whoop!! Best of luck out there nerdy ladies!!! Happy orgasming!! 

#kthxbye

Agree? Disagree? Tweet me about this post: @JenFriel

#Question: So, exactly how many people have you slept with??

I got asked this question on twitter a few weeks back, and I thought it was so rad I wanted to take it out of 140 characters and turn it into a post.

The question was more eloquently posed - it was along the lines of, how many partners do women have on average?

I don't know the answer on that one. Upon first googling, there doesn't appear to be a national average for this sort of thing. I'm a lifecaster, so I won't speak in generalizations - only first hand, and my number is ... ::drum roll::

I have no idea.

No, but like seriously. I lost my virginity when I was 16 (read more about that here) but I waited until I was like 18 or 19 to become "sexually active."

I remember I kept a little journal with a list of the guys I slept with initially, and then I thought - but when does it end? How many is TOO many. The questions overwhelmed me, and when in doubt my 19 year old self said - I just don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss.

Seriously.

What is the right answer here? I didn't want to tell the second and third guy I slept with how inexperienced I was - yet, that inexperience is SUPER HOT to other dudes ... it's enough to make your head spin. When it comes to sex, there is no "right" or "wrong" answer because there is no set measurement of anything for anyone. Dudes, my parents met in grade school, have been together their entire lives - and were literally everything for each other. By the time I slept with two people I had doubled both of their numbers. Does that make what they're doing wrong, or me right? AbsoFREAKINGlutely not. It just "is" and we are all doing what we think is best for our own lives.

I decided the best course of action was to stop counting and focus on the guy. He's not a number, he's someone I am sharing something very private and very special with. Does that mean I won't have a one night stand? AbsoFREAKINGlutely not. HAHA!! I love love love sex, and sure, if it makes sense - I'll do it. Doesn't happen often, but sometimes lust can take over and as long as you use protection, I don't see anything wrong with it.

Personally for me though, I can get off during penetration - yet have more difficulty doing so with one night stands. There's no emotional connection, and as we all know, that's where the root of the female orgasm is based. I'm an INCREDIBLY efficient person, and if I can't weigh an orgasm out as more likely to happen than not - I won't sleep with them. Men shouldn't be the only ones to derive pleasure from a one night stand, it's just hard however with alcohol consumption and general excitement from the new partner that most guys can't last that long. Pretty true. And ladies, don't even think of going down on him beforehand unless he returns the favor. He's going to be done SO fast at that point, you've basically just given your orgasm the kiss of death. Not going to happen. ::sad face::

Stay true to you, stay true to your heart - and when it comes to sex, throw out the math. Just keep it real.

#thatisall

Fun with #Facebook Chat: Epic Facepalm

Looky looky the message I just got on Facebook ...

First off, hahahahaaha that's actually hilarious. Had no idea.

Second of all, as I stated previously today by posting this conversation from OKC - courting a chickadee with the physical doesn't work unless it's on something like Adult Friend Finder. For reals, on OKC I'm looking for a mate in various capacities, and on Facebook ... dude, I'm just being me.

Men are biologically predisposed to have the desire to spread their seed. Women on the other hand release oxytocin when they orgasm creating a bond - hence why the female orgasm to begin with is based on emotion (read the breakdown here).

It just doesn't work, man.

At all.

What so ever.

#facepalm

#KeepingItReal: 5 Tips to Oral Sex on a Female

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Don’t you love the feeling of completely controlling a woman’s body… making her orgasm over and over again until there’s nothing she can do but hang on and scream?
 There’s something about taking her past the furthest limits of pleasure that she can endure, and then, when she just can’t take any more… going a little bit farther.

Given that the majority of women surveyed say that they have never experienced orgasm during intercourse, the easiest way to get her to that point is by going down on her. 
I know that some guys just don’t like giving oral sex, which I have to be honest, makes me scratch my head a bit. I’m always tempted to ask if they’ve ever tried doing it with another guy to see if maybe they are better suited to a different sexual orientation - but I guess the fact is, we are all different, and some guys don’t enjoy going downtown. 
If that’s you, you may as well stop reading, because this article really isn’t for you.

I’ll give away the whole enchilada right here and tell you that the number 1 tip for driving a woman wild with oral sex is simply this: 
Enjoy what you’re doing.

If you are truly, authentically, in the zone, just loving her taste, texture, and smell, and really down there for your own pleasure, chances are that you will be driving her CRAZY.
 There is nothing sexier for a woman than passion, and when you are totally involved in her body, she can sense that with her mysterious female ability to read and respond to our emotions.

Here are 5 more tips that are guaranteed to tie her knots and have her screaming the bolts in the bed-frame loose.

1. PAY ATTENTION
: This is pretty much the biggest rule for any guy that wants to learn to be great in bed. And while it sounds stupid and obvious, the vast majority of women will tell you that the vast majority of men just don’t get this technique at all.
 As guys we are always so wrapped up in our own heads asking ourselves questions like, Is she liking what I’m doing?
…Is my dick big enough?
…Should I flip her over or keep doing what I’m doing?
…Is she as good as my last girlfriend?
…Am I as good as her last boyfriend?

And just the fact that you’re reading this might suggest that sometimes when you are in bed with her, you are thinking about some technique that you are going to try on her.
 All those things kill it for her, AND frankly, they kill it for you too. 
It’s much more fun to be present and engaged in what you are doing.

When you are really tuned in and paying attention to her body, you will figure out for yourself exactly what to do and how to rock her world like never before.
 Every woman is different, and if you don’t master the art of paying attention, you’ll forever be stuck doing something to her that works great on some other girl, but isn’t necessarily the best thing for her. 
Even asking a woman what she likes in the bedroom is never a replacement for paying attention, because so many women have never been with a truly great lover. It is very likely that she doesn’t know herself what things really drive her crazy.

2. DON’T ALWAYS DRIVE TOWARDS HER ORGASM: Men also tend to be obsessed with “getting the job done.” They want to know how to make her come. Exactly. Step by step. And then just do that furiously all night long. 
Relax. 
There’s so much more to sexual pleasure than orgasm. And when she FEELS that you are obsessively driven to make her orgasm, it puts a lot of pressure on her to come so that she can please you. And when she puts that kind of pressure on herself, it can actually prevent her from ever reaching a climax. 
So chill out and enjoy each other’s bodies. There’s a lot of sensual pleasure to just going slow and letting it build up. Kiss her down there, trace the alphabet across her lips, tease her until she can’t stand it anymore. 
Otherwise it’s just like renting a DVD and skipping directly to the last chapter. The rest of the movie is part of the fun.

3. DEVELOP YOUR SENSE OF RHYTHM: If you are one of those guys that can’t dance and has no sense of rhythm - this is a problem.
There is a reason that women are sexually attracted to men who can dance. It is because women are very tuned to rhythms.
 It’s not enough to find out the exact spot on her body and exactly how much pressure to apply to get her to reach orgasm. You’ve got to also get the right rhythm.
 Now I’d like to tell you the exact rpm or bpm to get this right, but you will have to go back to tip #1 above. 
Experiment with different rhythmic pacing and then “pay attention”.
 When you find the right beat, you will know it, because she will start to go crazy. And once you find it… just stay with it. Keep the beat steady and she will very quickly reach orgasm.

4. CHECK UNDER THE HOOD: As a woman gets closer and closer to orgasm, the fold of skin where the labia meet at the top of her vagina begins to move down over the clitoris.
 This fold of skin is called the “clitoral hood”, and why the clitoris wants to hide under this hood when she is getting closer to orgasm is one of nature’s more frustrating mysteries, because for some women it actually keeps them from getting there.
 What happens is, she gets more and more excited, and then the clitoris recedes beneath the hood and the sensation drops off, and suddenly she feels the excitement die, and she just can’t figure out why she can get so close, but can’t ever have an orgasm.
The solution is simple if she is with a skilled lover.
 Just place your thumb in the fold at the very top of her vagina and pull gently upwards to expose the clitoris. And then have at it.
 Quick note: Some women can’t take the intensity of direct clitoral stimulation and prefer a gentle touch on the sides of the clitoris at the 11 and 1 o’clock positions from the clitoral head.
 For women like this, pulling the hood back and licking directly on the head of the clitoris might make her yowl and crash up through the ceiling like you just hooked 200 volt electrodes to her vagina.
 Like all powerful techniques: handle with caution.

5. TREAT HER CLIT LIKE EXACTLY WHAT IT IS: The clitoris is ontologically analogous to the penis.
 Which is a fancy way of saying that, at some point in mommy’s womb, before you can tell whether the embryo is a boy or a girl, the same bit of tissue that becomes the penis in men, becomes the clitoris in women.
 And if you treat it the way you like your penis treated, you’ll usually get good results.
That means you can try stroking the sides up and down with your fingers as if you were “jerking it off”, and you can try sucking it up into your mouth and using an “in-out” motion.
If you go back to rule #1 and pay attention to what works, you’ll probably get some amazing results with these techniques.

6. ADD OPTIONS: I know I called the article “5 Tips…”, but I’ve got one more that I want to share and “6 Tips…” just isn’t as good a title for an article.
 Plus, I like to over-deliver. (Another good thing to try in bed with your girlfriend, by the way).
 So try this: Add G spot massage while you are using your tongue on her clitoris.
 Insert 1 or 2 fingers into her vagina below your chin, with your palm facing upwards. Then curl your fingers in a “come ‘ere” motion along the top wall of her vagina and her G spot.
 At the same time, find the rhythm with your tongue on her clitoris. You might even pull the hood back using the other hand.
 If you get the rhythm and pressure right with both G spot and clitoris, she will rocket into a high altitude orgasm orbit that will blow her mind.
 Enjoy these tips responsibly, play safe, and be nice to girls always.

To learn more about the female orgasm, check out this episode: Episode #101 Susan Crain Bakos Interview

Editor's note: Want the female perspective on the female orgasm? Check this out over yonder!

#nerdsunite

Breaking down the female #orgasm while sitting in sock mokey PJs

(I feel like this one was a given, but mom and dad if you're reading - please stop. thanks! love you!)

Among my many groups of friends, I am always the sex-pert. Everyone asks me everything about sex, and all the finny ninny goings ons. I don't consider myself a seasoned expert, but I am absurdly curious, and have most likely googled a lot of obscure shit, AND I'm freakishly candid so I have no problem telling peeps what I found. That being said, one of the things that I just have to shed light upon is the female orgasm. From my guy friends, to my girlfriends there are DEFINITELY some serious misconceptions.

I can have an orgasm through intercourse, which only about 30% of women can. Not being special, just being awesome - I can pinpoint the fact that it came from emotional maturity and a general comfort within myself through and through.

I lost my virginity at 16 (I was about to move to NYC and for some god awful reason thought that people would be able to "smell" that I was a virgin, and I would end up doing something stupid. So I totally just boned my prom date, and then didn't have sex again until I was almost 19 because he was just so damn big, I was like ummmmmm no. PAINFUL!), but I didn't experience my first orgasm from sex until I was 24.

I've masturbated since my early teens, so I always knew that at least for me, I could have an orgasm. Yay! Crazy to think that people can't even experience that ... but hey, man - it happens.

I remember the day incredibly well ... I was dating the mentalist at the time, and I was just head over heels, yay life this is it for me kinda kooky crazy. I felt unbelievably comfortable with him, because he was in fact a mind reader; I felt like I couldn't hide anything from. The freedom was liberating.

We were on the couch, and I'm assuming because I was able to control the rhythm by being on top I was in fact able to reach orgasm. It was insane ... it was intense. I knew I was getting close, my arms started to tense, and I felt this incredible rush, but it's SUCH an emotional thing for a chick to have an orgasm in front of someone, I cannot stress that ENOUGH! It was in that moment, for the first time, I felt like I really could just let go with this person and have this experience in front of him.

When you masturbate as a female, you never really know "what is right?" It's very different with women since we are physically all so different down there. And when we're having sex, we're always in our heads of how our body looks in whatever crazy sexual position you are in, what we sound like ... its super lame. Right there in that moment, I did not care and I did not think - I just felt ... BAM! It was also the perfect storm for me hormonally as well. My brain was secreting endorphins from being in love, and I was nearing my period so my body was CHARGED.

I remember right after, I felt so excited literally - haha, but also so vulnerable. This was something I had done alone in my room with the doors locked. Now someone saw that? There was definitely a moment of shame, but that was immediately taken over by this surge of power. This moment of holy shit! I can totally have an orgasm from sex! Let's do it again!!!

Studies have shown in both sexes, activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anxiety, was reduced during an orgasm. I felt SOOOOOOO comfortable with this person, that my brain was literally for the first time, able to allow this experience to occur. Nuts.

What I wasn't prepared for, was the next stage ... the release of oxytocin. See, when a woman reaches orgasm (ESPECIALLY the first time in front of another person), a bond is created because of a chemical that is released in her brain called oxytocin.

Per psych central: In humans, oxytocin is thought to be released during hugging, touching, and orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and may be involved in the formation of trust between people and generosity.

I was screwed. Literally. HA! I was not only COMPLETELY blind by all the going ons with him and other women, my body could only respond to him sexually. When I masturbated, I thought about him (which is weird, because normally for me, there is a distinct separation between what you watch when you masturbate and the person you are in the relationship with. Fuck though, if they wanna watch some porn too, even better! But it appeases a very different desire, and I am of the strictest belief that watching porn is completely natural, and not cheating. Like at all. Even just typing that felt completely absurd.), and clearly I wasn't having sex with anyone else. I had given him this power that he was the one person that was able to make me have an orgasm. Intense.

Then when we broke up, I went through 70,000 stages of denial, and wondering wtf is going on. Again, being cheated on, or as he puts it, in a one sided open relationship is weird. Because of the chemistry that was pumping through my body I was COMPLETELY blindsided. Dude, the Easter Bunny could have been sitting behind me boning the tooth fairy, and I would have believed that more. The result was a severe severe severe sexual depression. I lost my orgasm - no joke. I quickly had rebound sex, (sans orgasm) but then was left in this weird haze of void. I couldn't masturbate because it just felt so different, and I sincerely wondered if I ever could even have an orgasm again. Worst. Time. Ever.

Flash forward about 7 months, over the summer I dated this guy for a bit and he was incredibly well endowed. Like, I'm not even kidding you, he should prolly have his own line of dildos. We had been spending a lot of time together, and I was totally falling for this dude ... but you add something like that into the equation? And GOOD LORD you have a recipe for awesome. We were in Vegas, and I remember so clear the first time that it was yep, this is happening. I honestly felt so grateful to this guy because of the fact that I was able to reach orgasm with someone else. I took my own power back!!! Orgasms from intercourse returned!!! BIG DEAL! BIG BIG DEAL!! Had less to do with him, and more to do with the way that our bodies were very compatible. Very compatible. It was great, but bless the dudes heart - he did a few things that weren't kosher in my book from a personal boundary standpoint, so alas! I ended it. Sucked, but at that point, I was just glad that I could have that experience with more than ONE PERSON in this world. That is way too much power to give to someone. But hey, you live, you learn.

Moving on a bit more ... I recently dated this guy that again, head over heels, what magical tree did you come from, and are there more of you - type thing ... and bam! Orgasm. This time though, it was different.

I've never been a fan of oral. Love giving, receiving was always pretty meh in my book. It tickled and got me really excited, but I never ever ever thought I would be able to orgasm from it - I needed more pressure. One night we didn't have a condom, so sex was a no go. I, however, was like literally feeling delirious from being so turned on; he started going down on me. I kid you not, I reached an orgasm in less than 5 minutes. He's very in tune. He didn't go down there thinking he knew what to do, he sort of explored and watched my reactions to various stimulants. Dude, so fucking hot. HAHA! I carry that visual with me every.single.day. RAWR!

So, what's the take away from all of this?

You need to have a conversation with your partner about things that turn you on. You HAVE to be in tune to each other's bodies and movements. You may think you know what works for someone, and come to find out - it doesn't. That doesn't make you a bad lover, it just means you two are going to have to vibe each other out, and even talk about what does work.

There's no shame in it - never apologize for pleasure. Articulate it!

You have to do you own homework as a female and figure out what turns you on, what revs those engines so you can then find a partner that you want to share that with. DO NOT EVER FAKE AN ORGASM!! You are denying yourself and your partner this chance to experience something great if you do.

You have to feel incredibly comfortable with your partner, as again, fear and anxiety are reduced during orgasm; but bottom line, you gotta OWN IT! Own your sexuality ... explore it, it's trial and error FOR SURE! The more repressed you are of your sexual desires the more you are denying yourself a fulfilled life. I know people have their own religious and blah blah blah whatever hang ups, I'm not talking to you people ... for everyone else, OWN IT!!!! Life is too short man, and the female orgasm is a very very very good thing to experience. Changed sex for me, COMPLETELY!!!! And people are oddly way more attracted to you because you have this allure and this unshakeable confidence.

So rad. Yay life!

#nerdsunite