#NerdsUnite:The What If? (The What If? Part 8 - The END!)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

After the Yes, I was pretty pumped for a few days, knowing Ophelia though I wasn’t going to call a lot, or text. She hated over communication, which was one of her reasons for not choosing me in the first place. The whole “Independent Woman Thing”. So a few days go by, I hazard a call. No reply. Well having gotten a yes, I kinda figured that might mean more talking. So I wait a few days more. No call. Now I have a strict rule about calling and texting. Never call more than once a day, never text more than twice without answer. If someone doesn’t respond then, they don’t want to. Simple as that, it’s the dawn of a new age. Sometimes texts don’t go through, but if you call and leave a message you know that went through. I let another few days pass and I call her again. Nothing. Seriously, miffed at this point, I then go about my business. At the bars that night with a group of friends she calls. I leap out of my chair and ran outside to answer.

She sounds slightly annoyed. I grew very perceptive of her tonation and mannerisms. She starts with, “So we need to talk...”, and every guy in the world knows that crushing line. She started talking and we talked for an hour about her and I and how she really felt about everything. She talked at length about how she just really couldn’t make herself feel the way I wanted her to feel for me. I said I understood. She went on to tell me how I’m everything she should want and yet she just doesn’t feel it. So I asked her, “You don’t think you will ever feel this way?” She replied, “No.” I told her, well that’s all I need. She immediately went into a I’m so sorry, and all that jazz. I just said, “Look that’s all I needed, that’s all I ever wanted. A clear yes or no. You always gave me, not now, I’m not ready, maybe in the future, or soon.” I wish I had used the lemon rule then.  It would have saved me a year, and a whole mess of heartache. She asked if I was Ok and I replied, “I have never felt so free in all my life.” Which may have sounded a little over joyous. Dear audience for 11 years this girl had been at the back of my mind. The great, “WHAT IF?” She had been carried through every relationship I ever had, and that whole year kept me terminally in a love coma. Free was the understatement. I had finally, gotten an answer to a question that had haunted me forever. Once again it was still a NO and rejection sucks. However, I no longer had this cloud over me. This hesitant part of me telling myself there may be something better that I had missed.

Going back to the bar my friend Sully caught me and asked if everything was alright. She’s one of my closest friends and has always been there for me. I said, “Actually... Yes. It’s over.” I just breathed in and let it pass. Just like that the ball and chain of wonder was shed and I walked with a lighter step. Freedom has its costs, sometimes it’s not getting what you want. Not getting what you want isn’t fun. In the long run. If you are so focused on getting one thing you miss things that are right before your eyes. You blind yourself to the wonders that people hold around you. Your pursuit becomes your passion, and your true passions are left out to dry. I will never abandon my true passions again; I will never set myself aside for a single person forsaking all other options. I am whole again and I intend to keep it that way. This may have been a very bumpy road to travel, but I am very glad I saw it through to the end. No more what if? I never have to have that shadow over my soul again.

To the girl in this story, I don’t wish her ill will. She didn’t rob me of anything, I stole this time from myself. I only wish she had been more honest with me at the very start. We were friends and while I still think many of our best relationships are born in friendship, some just aren’t meant to be. So there you have it. My greatest heartbreak. It feels good finally getting it out of me. Maybe the next girl I’m with will enjoy my dedication to her, my art, and writing that she inspires. Maybe she’ll like to communicate and find a love for both my soul and heart. That’s the girl I’m seeking. That will be the girl I settle down for. Until then let’s get back behind this crazy adventure that has become my life.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite:The What If? (Part 7- Falling for the 5th Time, #facepalm)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

The whole process for shooting a commercial is hurry up and wait. I stayed in outfit just sitting around waiting to take a picture, do this for a camera, or do that. So when we got out that night rather late the guy they had me roomed up with was... unsavory. So I was in no rush to hang out with him. Ophelia said she would meet me in Old Town. It’s a lot like Aggiville for Wichita. We went out to eat at a place called, “The Anchor” Great food. We tripped over the formal pleasantries and afterward walked around looking for a place to Drink. Finding a few we gave birth to new confidence through the bottle. Our conversations lengthened and we finally started hashing out our drama. I was very honest with her about the whole situation. She told me the reason she wanted the Bartender was because he was emotionally distant and un-invested. The tone of her voice said... too distant. The night was coming to a close and we ended going back to her place. Upon entering I saw my art and letters all out on the table. Obviously, she had read through and reminisced about us. Truly, there was no way she knew I would come back to her place that night. She led me to her bedroom and told me not to get any ideas. With a smirk we laid down together and cuddled right back up. Like, we always had. The way she held me, spoke to her affection for me. I asked her about all my stuff on the table. She told me how much she missed us. I stayed till the next night and before I left she told me she loved me, just not the way I wanted her to. I thanked her for finally saying out loud that she loved me. She responded by saying I always knew she loved me. I did, but it was nice to hear. Keep in mind we still didn’t have sex. As much as I would have loved tool, I don’t cheat, nor do I sleep with girls in relationships.

It wasn’t more than a few weeks after that when the relationship with the Bartender ended. Obviously, I didn’t see that coming. Note the sarcasm all over those words. She invited me back to help her move out from her place. I said sure. That night when we hit the bars she and I danced, she grabbed my hands again, and kissed me again. I was confused. It had taken me a long time to turn my heart off to her and here she was turning it on again.  That night in bed she told me she couldn’t promise me anything. I told her I never asked her to.

We picked up right where we left off before. This time I was very wary of anything. My guard was up, WAY UP! Bit by bit she chiseled away at my defenses. We ended up going to the Ren fair later that Fall and she kissed me again. Things were going well and I was getting my hopes up again. So I asked her if we could try “us” out. She had resolved her need for a rebound asshole. The next step to me seemed logical. She sent me an email explaining a lot of where she was emotionally, why we never had sex, and why she still felt it was a bad idea. I called her and told her I was ok with it. All I ever wanted was a chance. So she said yes. I was amazed. I couldn’t believe it, I finally got a yes from the girl I had liked for so long. That night was a good night.

Stay tuned for the conclusion in Part 8

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: The What If? (Part 6 - The Fall Out!)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

It came yet again while I slept, I awoke to yet another Facebook thing. I tell you Facebook is the worst. There it was a single status, “I feel like the guy I like, doesn’t like me. I don’t know what to do.” In that my world came crashing down. Obviously, that was not a line about me. I had lost and I sent her a message saying such. How could you keep me in tow when you were chasing someone. See I always thought we were vying for her affection. Turns out she had her heart set on this bartender. I told her I never had a chance, if she was chasing someone else. I left for work and got an Email later that day apologizing for her fault at not letting me know the whole situation better. That I really deserved to have been the victor. I was everything she should want in a guy, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I have taken to understanding that statement as... I’m fucking retarded. Trust me I have had many a girl tell me such. I tried staying friends with her via Facebook after that, but she would post pictures of her and him and it would crush me. This all came after my final trip to see her, where she had introduced me to Adele. Thus where this rant on Adele came from.  She had also convinced me to help her win a Trip to a resort based on a love story.  Which I had actually penned going so far as to detail how we got engaged as she had made it clear we would need to be to fool those in charge of the trip. So there I was heart-broken, beaten, and lost. With a fake narrative of how I could have won her as my wife. Over the next three months I put my life back together and saw another girl for a bit. My heart just wasn’t there and I stopped that before she got more attached. I vowed never to go back to Wichita again.

Just because my life always seems to throw me into things I guess it decided I had things I needed to resolve. I ended up winning a competition my work had thrown for best dish for a list of new menu items. I work for Carlos O’Kelly’s, a Mexican restaurant chain that started here in Kansas and as luck would have it is located officially in Wichita. OF COURSE!!!! Well I wanted to take a vacation and get away from all this crazy shit. I took off for LA to visit my friends out there and for Doll’s Birthday. I had Facebooked Ophelia a while back that I felt that I had gotten better and I wish we could re-start our friendship. Why throw away 10 years for no decent reason other than a failed romance. She had actually messaged Cherry to ask her opinion on the matter. At this point Cherry HATED her. She asked me what to say back. I told her it was cool and so she never answered. Which is a very Cherry thing to do. While I was in LA hanging out with Jen Friel at the Beanery I got a notification on my phone. She wanted to re-friend me on Facebook. Jen can tell you my whole countenance changed in an instant. I had no idea what to do and of course asked Jen her opinion.  I re-friended her, why have that spoil a vacation. She had accompanied it with a short, “Hope we can be friends again and I miss you.” message. When I ran into Jason Bateman she commented on that as well. She was back in my life. My friends were not excited. I was rather confused as well to her sudden desire to be all buddy-buddy.

This happening of course in LA while I am with Doll, whom I was still attracted to as well. So that was burdensome. Doll was in a way the reason Simone and I broke up. While I was in LA the time before that, Simone’s jealousy of Doll was so intense that it nearly ruined that trip.  I had at the time talked her down from that, only to have it flare up after the pictures of Jen, Doll, and some of my other LA friends hit Facebook. I am telling you when it comes to relationships, Facebook is destructive to me. It comes from my hatred of censoring my life. See I am a fiercely loyal man. You would never have to worry about me cheating on you even if the chance was there. Still I have a lot of very attractive friends. This plays to making a girl rather uncomfortable. Oh well the girl I’m looking for will trust me and I won’t ever give her a reason not to.  Upon returning to Kansas I told her about my forced trip to Wichita for this commercial and she said she would like to meet up and catch up. Cautiously, I found myself driving back to that evil town to face the girl that had torn me to pieces in a vicious love game.

Next up part 7 - Falling For The 5th Time, #facepalm 

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: The What If? (Part 5 - The Bachelorette)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

So over the next few months I realized that aside from the cowboy there were several other men after Ophelia’s heart. I had inadvertently gotten myself into a Midwest version of the bachelorette. This did not bode well for me. Still, I believed myself to be the best option. So I figured, what the hell I’ll try my shot. It actually started with about 12. She being recently divorced was not shy in the options department apparently.  Most of those were easily beaten having wanted little more than to I assume bed her. Soon enough it had been whittled down to five contestants. Two were Ex’s, one was a bartender at her favorite bar, and the last was the cowboy. One of the Ex’s in his silence got himself booted, the cowboy in his desire to trap her heart became a stalker and lost his favor very quickly. Seriously, went off the ranch on the crazy farm. Leaving one Ex, the bartender and I. The Ex was a fellow she had cheated on in the past to end up with her Ex-husband. This one had promised to be less of a douchebag. Let’s face it people don’t really change and he hadn’t really either. I love that line of logic though. For you I’ll change I’ll do anything to get you back. For now then it’s right back to who I was before and that’s the reason you left in the first place. Ex’s are Ex’s for a reason. It was just a ruse. So it came down to just the bartender and I.

I had convinced her to come back to Manhattan, for a concert and to see an old friend whom was in town. The distance was growing between us and I could feel it. I could feel myself grasping to stay in this race. Whenever you start to grasp you get desperate. I had enough sense not to take the path of the cowboy. Still I had made mistakes. After the epic letter I wrote, I felt it was time I could make her a muse.  I drew her at first, then the two of us. Wrote poetry about her, and I even tried my hand at songwriting as she said she wanted to try getting into a band. Each time I added some form of creativity. While most girls might find this sweet. She told me it became overwhelming at times, as she had nothing to offer in return. We remained sexless as well. Much to my confusion as we came near enough to it over and over again.  Then one morning I awoke too, “It’s complicated” as a Facebook status. I freaked. Without even a fucking sorry I chose someone else call. I got a hold of her later and she explained that it is complicated because she couldn’t choose between us and it wasn’t fair to either of us. I relaxed a bit. Although the next trip I made down there was fraught with doubt. I even had a panic attack. I ended up calling my Ex Amber whom had those before and she talked me down. We were still pretty close as well. Seriously, though I am a very relaxed guy, I have never in my life gotten anywhere near panic attack zone. I just kept asking her, “Just let me go, if she wanted this other guy.” See I wanted a yes or a no. After all these years all I really needed was the conclusion of the story or the beginning of a new one. NOT THIS PURGATORY OF WONDER!

So there I was at the brink of love and insanity. It was literally driving me crazy. So I plotted the perfect way to fully win her heart. I was going up to her place that coming weekend and went and bought paper bags, tracing paper, twine, paper clips, and tiny electric tea light candles. I then went about crafting 30 some floating paper lanterns with the sun from, “Tangled” in them. Each lantern had an electric tea light in it that shimmered and the string attached it to the ceiling at varying heights. Taking the first moment she kissed me during, “Tangled” and making it a reality. It really was quite beautiful, my hands ached after the work I put into perfectly crafting these. I drove up with this box of pre-made floating lanterns. The next day when she went to work I set them all up hanging around her room. When she got off work later that night and came home I had her close her eyes and go into her room which I had prepped. Turned on the music from that scene in, “Tangled” and had her open her eyes to a room lit by tiny floating lanterns. She was quite literally awestruck. She told me never before in her life had someone done something so romantic for her. I then asked her out officially. To seal the race and come away from it with the girl I had sought for so long. Her answer was a very powerful, “maybe.” My heart sank. We just layed there with her head on my chest as she told me how it was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever done for her. We made out and while she had her head on my chest she asked, “Why’s your heart beating so fast and loud?” I said, It’s beating for you. It’s your song and it only plays for you.” Still not enough. I went home the following day slightly disheartened. Yet, still hopeful that my attempt had given me the lead. From that came this poem.

Your song-

She laid her head upon my chest

Listening to the sound of my heart beat

Her face warm against me

She said softly your hearts beating so fast.

I smiled and said it's playing your song

The song it will only play for you

beating out loudly my desire to be no where else

To stay with you here in my arms tonight

It pounds like the drums to a native American dance

like thunder so close you hear it reverberate the walls

powerful enough to push the sound through my chest

You can hear and feel it drumming for you

It's your song and it calls to your heart to beat in rhythm

To play your melody along with it

It's high time I stilled my own song just for a moment

Lay my head to your breast and listen to your song

Feel if your song plays as loud as mine.

Pulling our bodies together and letting the sounds intertwine

chest to chest and feel the power of our own internal music

Drumming our blood to a frenzy

Culminating in a dance that flutters like butterfly wings

Beating back and forth like dueling instruments

Syncing our biometric cadence in to one fluid symphony

Calling our bodies together and tying them in red strings of fate

She laid her head upon my chest

Listening to her song

Playing softly to her ear

thump thump, thump thump, thump thump

Her song written and composed by my soul

Just another in the long line of overwhelming sentiment I assume. Still we craft some of our best works when we are faced with the crazy notion of love. As the days passed and my visits grew more estranged, I felt the darkness closing around me. When I visited and found the lanterns to have been removed... I all but gave up. I grew frantic to try and win this competition. See that’s one of the worst things to happen in any relationship. When one person draws away without just ending it, they start to look for a nice way to separate. What the departee ought to do is just say, “NO.” Seriously, this would save so much heart ache. While you are trying to be nice, the other person is trying like Hell to secure affection. Fighting a losing battle the whole time and lose I would too.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

#NerdsUnite: The What If? (Part 4 - Tangled)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

So Fake Paddy’s Day had become huge in Manhattan after starting about 5 years prior as a joke. Literally, it was a joke that a radio station had pulled. That joke is now a town tradition. My friend James Coggins had come to town and we had made plans to fully enjoy the day. ALL OF IT! Seriously, you start drinking at 6 in the morning. We had Pancakes and took off to a pony keg race. It’s a weird feeling to be drunk by 8 in the morning but that’s all part of the tradition. After that we tooled around the ville, “Aggieville” for you all out of towners. Then we hit up a few house parties and got some grub. Ophelia had promised she would be there by 10ish. She managed to show up around 3. This should have been another sign, but no one sees signs when they are enamored. Seriously, showing up on time or at least near time is critical especially when it’s planned so far in advance. She had apparently, gotten drunk the previous night and stayed out till 5 in the morning.  So once she arrived, we got ready and took off to the ville. She wanted to find a bar to watch a basketball game in. Keep in mind I am not a sports person. She is huge into sports, so much so she could be an announcer and knows all the players names and their stats. I have lived in a town that lives and breathes football for 12 years and have yet to go to a game or even tailgate. The ville was far gone by the time we got there. Lines out of each bar, I recommended a bar further away from the chaos so we went there. Holding hands might I add, which she instigated. A positive sign to me. I tend to read into things way too much. Still it’s the little things that lead us to understanding. After the game we went out for dinner and then a house party after that. The day had worn on us, so we cut out early from there. We went back to my house and watched Stardust and after that started Tangled. She fell asleep during that movie. So we went to bed cuddled up again.

The next day we grabbed some lunch and finished Tangled. Now if you have seen Tangled you know about the floating lantern scene. During that scene I was singing along and whispered the words into her ear. She turned to me and kissed me. That’s right she kissed me. Ok, veil is down. I wasn’t guessing anymore. The sign I was reading was I dig you a lot and this time it was ON and could be seen from afar without squinting! We took off for the concert that night and it was amazing. We were front row and I was a barrier between her and the floods of fans pressing up behind us. After the show there of course a blizzard. For some reason every time I see Flogging Molly there is a blizzard. We make it home safe and crawl into bed. Things get hot and heavy. My reservations are dismissed and I am full on into her now. She stops me just short of sex and asks if we really should do this. I was for it, but respected her wishes to take things slow. Still just out of a divorce, why rush things. The next morning I was forced to answer that question again. This time I said yes and she said no... Blue balls suck my friends. SO MUCH!! Bid her farewell and as she drove away, I danced around in my driveway. Now only a few days later I make a fatal error. Watch carefully my friends, because here I open up far too fast. Try not to make a similar mistake.  So because I had so many years of history with this one person. I hoped this letter wouldn’t be received badly. I was tired of trying to be casual about my approach and I decided to lay it all on the line. What follows is a slightly abridged versions of a letter I sent to her. Looking back I would call it an over share. However, During her time with me her Ex made it abundantly clear that he was still in the picture and more so that he wanted to stay there. So not to lose her to that man again... I wrote. As a writer I may have written way too much. It’s hard to slow down when you take off down the hill of love:

So as you drive home I am left to think. You asked me what was on my mind earlier and I couldn't formulate it into words. I couldn't do it well in the moment that is. So here it is well thought out and written down. I think about you and I and think about where things go from here. I know you still don't have all the answers. I know you fear hurting me again. Fear that I really don't know what I'd be getting into with you. As you said you are damaged goods. While I can tell you time and time again about how well I could handle that type of thing. Mostly, because all my past relationships have been pretty damaged, I know you still don't think I'm ready to deal with just the full amount of damage you have hidden in you. As we keep walking down this road; I can't help but notice you open up to me more and more each day. You  trust me with details of your life, that may not be things you want to tell me but you know I won't take them in a bad way. You know I'll just take them and accept you. Which is probably just as confusing as to why I would still be willing to risk my heart for you.

I realize your Ex thing is weird and confusing and kind of throwing your heart for a loop too. Here is a man that took everything from you and you spent years wanting to make this work, to help him see his own potential. I can understand why that goal is a hard one to give up on. You spent so much of your hope on it. You know as well as I do, that he's spiraling down a path that no one can save him from and it’s a lesson he needs to learn and sometimes that lesson is learned by having to face the consequences. I know you want to help him, to save him, to keep him from this fate. I know there will always be a part of you that will love him and want to help him. No matter what hell he has or will put you through. Still he is complicating your life over and over again. You were right when you said until he stops interfering in your life, you will never have another real  relationship. I don't know what things he has stirred in your heart when it comes to his new desire to be a better man. To both of us it does feel like a huge angle. It scares me to think it may be a chance you give him. Still I don't think you will. I do believe you are strong willed enough to tell him, “NO” this time. As you said you don't owe him anything. If you do tell him no and he still fights you for this exception, this second (or whatever number) chance then he isn't being a friend and it was an angle. It is a NO he will have to accept. I hope so anyway. Lord knows how far you have let him back into your life already. How many steps he's taken to secure a new spot in your heart, where his old spot was. Knowing he called you twice just to check in on you while you were with me was unnerving in itself. Just being honest there.

Know this, you have me NOW so before risking so much more of your life to make sure he is safe. Risking what we could be (even if that could be was always up in the air), to go back into that dangerous situation. Ophelia I will walk this path with you for now because I know you feel for me. I know there is something there and there could be so much more there. I know you think about it and wonder just what could come of it. Because I know you. You said yourself you see the potential for us. You said I represent a hope and a real meaningful relationship. I'd like to take you up on that meaningful relationship. So know whatever form of damages you have to offer me right now, I'll  take them and I'll take you. I've been a bit damaged myself from failed relationships and having been cheated on in the past. Still, I'll be a man you can brag about to your friends and family. Stories that involve achievement and your man fighting for the things you believe in and want to accomplish in your own life. Never about the let downs and disillusioned impairment of your broken romance. I'll be a stable man in your life. I will cherish you for who you are and what you achieve. I won't take you for granted.

I wasn't ever looking to fix you, but I'll take that journey with you. That journey you need to take to find the answers to the questions you have within your heart. In ten years (6 granted were less than communication) I haven't let you down. In all the time you have known me, I have never given you reason to not trust or doubt me. I have never been less than honest with you. I have no angles, I have no alternate plans. I don't just want to hook up with you and let you go afterwards. I just want you. I want you in my life and to be a part of my life. To walk forward with you, even if you are damaged goods. Still when I said I was guarded and to that I stand firm. I know I cannot win against your EX husband. If you open that door back up in your heart. I am just as doomed to failure as I could be against Johnny Depp. He was already in your heart and to that I stand little chance in competition if you let him back in. I don't want to lose you again, especially to him. I don't want this second chance of maybes and could be's to be fleeting. I would like it to work. I want us to be able to work. So far I have avoided long emails, drawings, poetry anything I felt that might be overwhelming to you. I didn't want to push you away again I hope this doesn't come off as such. This is more so just a statement. You knew this was how I felt already anyway, because you know me just as well as I know you. So far I haven't let you down yet and I don't intend to so. With that being said I'd like to say you should give me a chance to be that man. He has had too many chances already and all I'm asking for is 1. If I fuck it up, then I'll let you go, I'll just be your friend and never again pressure you to be in a relationship with me. Just that first chance to let me show you just what someone who doesn't take a girl for granted can be like. You have already seen the lengths I take for friends to make sure they feel cared for and loved especially in their darkest hours. Imagine how much more I would give for the one I loved. I'd like that person to be you. I am also still ok to take things slow I'm not looking to overcharge your heart. It's been hurt and those wounds are still healing I have no intention of pushing that heart to tearing again.

To walk with you, but walk with a purpose. To walk towards your heart. Give me that chance and I promise I will not disappoint. Give me this one chance and see if a meaningful relationship would be something you would like. Something you can take stock in and feel secure in. Knowing I won't use you, cheat on you, lie to you, or leave you alone wondering if my intentions or sentiments are angles played to gain something. Those are not questions you should ever have to ask or feel in a relationship. I won't give you reason to.

Forever doesn't start today. Right now we focus on today and tomorrow and where that path takes us. It might not be forever, but I promise you it will be an adventure and we shall sail it like pirates and have no regrets. Even if it does end we will still walk away as friends, which we have already tested. So come on this journey with me. We'll throw caution to the wind and rely on each other. Take my hand and let me show you a life lead without doubt. Doubt in yourself or in me. We may have gotten old, but honey we are young souls and I don't want to waste my youth chasing people I have little to nothing in common with hoping one similarity will be enough to secure a bound. We could be brains in a jar and still keep each other entertained :) I know you will want to process this and get back to me. So no worries about a quick response. I would like to know if you have read it. Just because... So maybe a call after. When you said you wanted to write me the rest of your layers of damages. I just wanted you to know where I was at so you could feel safe knowing your letter wouldn't chase me away or scare me into not wanting you anymore. If that was a possibility I would have been gone long ago. Yet here I am still in your arms, lost in your eyes, and keeping that glimmer of hope alive. As dumb as some of my friends say it is to do so. I still believe. I just don't want to give up on us yet. After a weekend as fun as this one how could I. Thank you for being open and honest with me. I am only seeking to do the same with you.

Yeah, that’s a lot for you guys to read, a lot for her to take in. Then again she had asked me what I was thinking and I have this horrible habit now of never lying. It took her a few weeks to respond which was torture for me. What she responded with was a warning. Not a warning to stay the fuck away. A warning of just how many layers of damage there were to her and if I wanted to take that chance to be ready for that. I said I’d chance it, I wasn’t ready for the rodeo that followed.

Next up Part 5 - The Bachelorette

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!