#Christmas isn't easy when your dad doesn't love you...

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I tend to segment my life into three sections: Nebraska, Hard Times, and Adulthood.  I lived in Nebraska with the family unit until I was 10.  Life was great then - Mom and Dad were still married, and seemed relatively happy.  My sister and I fought like crazy, but nothing outside the range of normal sisters.  I had friends, and life was good for me.  

Then we moved to Colorado.  It was riThis is my nephew, Gunnar - mostly sums up my brain right now.ght at the beginning of middle school, so that sucked but I make friends easily.  Not long after we moved here, like six months, my parents told us they were getting a divorce.  Lame sauce, but not the end of the world.  It was an ugly divorce, and it ended in split custody, basically fifty-fifty, just staggered poorly.  Things were great for a while, then my dad got...weird.

See, my dad is a weird dude.  He thinks that the world revolves around him (he’s totally an only child), and that he can get away with just about whatever he wants.  He is also an angry man.  When I was 11 he started talking to me about crazy things.  One day we were driving around, and he started telling me that marrying my mom was the worst mistake of his life, and how it totally ruined everything.  I didn’t say much - you don’t argue with my dad, his word is the end all and be all.  He also dropped the bomb that him and my mom only got married because they were pregnant with me.

WHAT?!?!  I was 11!  I don’t think that is something I ever would have calculated, there was no reason ever ever ever to tell me something like that.  Of course I took that to say that I ruined his life.  How else could I take it?  He told me so many other crazy things over the next few years that I just assumed that all dads were terrible people, like how he bought a tire bomb to put under my mom’s car.  Or how awesome his new girlfriend was because she was short - meaning she wouldn’t have to get on her knees to give him head (totally said that to me when I was 14).

What sticks with me, though, is the abuse he liked to inflict.  It wasn’t so much physical, although at times it could certainly qualify as that.  It was the verbal and emotional that left the scars.  And totally fucked me up for a long time.  I wasn’t allowed to have friends or boyfriends.  I had to keep everything perfect - chores before homework, always.  I made every meal, and took care of my sister.  I wasn’t allowed to fix my hair or look nice because I would be accused of trying to pick up on guys.  I was 12.  I got grounded if I didn’t like something he bought me, like the super sweet pair of purple Rockies jeans.  See photo.  Not my style then or ever.  Ugh.

I guess where this is all coming from is Christmas.  I’m not really into it this year, for the first time in years and years.  And I think that’s a healthy thing for me.  Christmas was never really a big deal at his house.  We would get bullshit gifts, like shampoo, socks and cans of food.  Like normal needed to survive stuff.  It was just another day, not a big deal at all, really.  So I have spent the last 10 years trying to make Christmas into a supersized extravaganza for everyone.  I always spend too much, over extend myself, make a million things, and try to get everyone into the spirit.  This year I haven’t done anything.  No decorations, no presents bought, and barely anything planned to be made.  I have some ideas, but no real time or motivation to do it.  And while part of me feels bummed to be that guy, part of me feels really good that I can let go of the things I was missing, and just enjoy the things I now have.  I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my dad just sucks and doesn’t want to be a part of my life.  I don’t know that I will ever be able to fully accept it, but I am getting there.  And not getting jazzed about Christmas is a step in the right direction.  I’m still feeling way raw, but someday I will be able to celebrate the holidays without baggage.  I hope.

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook - I could use a pick-me-up!

So ... I was totally just stuck in an elevator ...

OMG! @bernardosays is totally going to be added to my Zombie Apocalypse list now.

The other night I went to the E!, Style Network, and G4 holiday party with @bernardosays. Yeah, AH-MAZING! Thanks again dude. It was over in Westwood, so we parked the car in the lot at the UCLA Medical Building. We then ran over to grab the elevator in one of those partially dramatic moments of near miss ... and the thing friggen stopped.

What's a good lifecaster to do??? Tweet about it ...

I was shocked I had service, but not complaining. There were 6 of us in the elevator, and the guy that was closest pressed the "emergency call" button.

After a few rings, we heard, "Welcome to the Elevator Help Line!" Yep! Apparently the same crowd that does MovieFone outsources their talent for other meaningful life experiences. HAHA!! Dude, I was laughing so hard. We were stuck in there for about 15 minutes, which trust me, is a lot longer than it seems. We all stayed pretty calm, but what a way to kick off the night.

These are all actual pics that I snapped ... again, is it normal to get stuck in an elevator and think, how can I lifecast this?? HAHA!!

Look at the hand marks on the elevator. Clearly this has happened before ...

One of the guys eventually just pried open the door, and after a hop up, away we went to the party. Pretty hilarious though, not gonna lie.

But if you live in LA, watch out for those elevators at the UCLA medical building. That was so not kosher for passover. BAHHHH!! Either way, thanks for the well wishes guys! =) You all knock my nerdy socks off. RAWWRRRRRRR

#NerdsUnite

#TNTML Pilot Update!

BAHHHH!! What a time what a time ... just wanted to let you all know that we're hustling and bustling with the TNTML pilot.

In case you need a recap, in June I had this idea for a web series based on experiments, and life experiences I had over the last year ... contacted this chick about it, she told her roommate (@bryceless) who said this isn't a webseries, this is a movie! He then wrote a treatment, presented it to me, I friggen LOVED it, and away we went into making a major motion picture. Through connections this guy had, we were able to get it infront of the nerdiest of nerdy directors. He loved the idea, we went through 4 drafts of the script, and we got notes from his agent who's basically the IRL Ari Gold. Then we had a bit of a hold up with clearances and usage of technical components that we're going to be integrating in the film ... but after many emails, phone calls, and even the threat of just showing up wherever I had to, we were able to get it done. Then our director's wifey had her show cancelled, so what was being able to be done on spec, had to turn into a payday or we'd lose our director. I then called in a Facebook favor, and emailed a Hollywood god that I had lunch with this year after I screened his movie for TNTML. I asked him to read it, and he was totally game. He loved it, but said parts of it didn't make sense for film, why not turn it into a pilot for TV ... and that is where we are today. Yeah, it's been nuts - but literally every meeting, every email, every ... ANYTHING has been documented. Tells such a GREAT story of how social media has changed so much for someone with an idea.

That being said, @bryceless and I are working hard on packaging this product with the Hollywood god for pilot season. See, in television, they have this time of the year called "pilot season," which occurs in the spring/ summer time, where people can present their ideas to the major networks in the hopes that it will be bought and aired during the fall. It's pretty cool but requires an ENORMOUS amount of work. For reals, you have to write pretty lengthy bios for each character, and flush out the entire first season explaining both the A and B story lines; let alone all the explaining that we have to do for the technical components and marketing opportunities!! It's nuts ... it's totally insane, and I am LOVING every minute of it.

The Hollywood god has some things he's gotz to take care of ... but come the middle of January, we're going to really start packaging everything with a showrunner and all that jazz. I'm pretty stoked! Everything was just the most perfect of perfect timing!

There's definitely going to be a lot that I can't tell you guys, but I will ask for forgiveness over permission ANNYDDAAYYYY!!! So no worries.

It's really interesting too how different a TV script is from a movie. A movie script has all of these complex layers that have to be established in this arc and yada yada ... where a TV script is just all about the characters bumping into each other. Literally, I just about died laughing when the Hollywood god said that to me. It's so crazy stupid simple ... but works.

Either way, we're super super super good at this point. I am SOOO humbled at the team that has been put together, they're all such talented people. Yay for social media making all of this happen!!

All I have to say is that 2011 is going to be hands down the best year ever, and I can't WAIT to share it with you all. Thanks guys so so much for being in my life!! I read every tweet, every email, every everything. It means the world to me, and keeps me going. THANK YOU!! Whoop whoop!!!

#StayTuned

*waves* hello from, Florida!!

yep, this is happening ...

The love of my life is back. cue *reunited and it feels sooo gooooodd*

Missed the little goober! Rocky Balboa Friel is just a special special dog. I'll post the story of how he came into my life tomorrow. Super tired right now from all the traveling and not sleeping for 2 days. Either way, stoked to be with my family - and overwhelmed with gratitude and this general sense that shit is about to get real, really fast, and its going to be reallllyyyy funnnnnn!! =) =) =)

Sleep well nerdy lovers! Lots to talk about tomorrow. Dude, way to be off the grid for one day and be overwhelmed with nerdy info! GOSH!! A girl just can't take a day to travel can she ... damn Southwest for charging $5 for wifi. I really wish they had a nerdy promo code I could lift. *sigh* soon enough ...

All my love and all my heart! xoxo #nerdsunite

Expectations are like #Assholes.....

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I've been bombarded by all of these expectations in my life, and quite a fair amount lately (and by fair I mean way too many).  Even though I don't generally care what people think of me, and consider my opinion the most important in my life, expectations have always been a tough one for me.  Maybe it's because I had an abusive dad that had these crazy high standards, but at the same time told me I would never amount to anything.  Literally, when I was 14 he told me that having an intership was stupid, that I would never go to college, and I would most likely end up a pregnant drop out.  Seriously.  And it was so unfounded - even though I was a wild child, I was a great student, active in school, and incredibly driven.  That was so obviously not the path I was on, like ever.  So expectations have always been something I have tried to live up to, since disappointment tends to be my kryptonite.

Anywhoozle, I stopped trying to live up to people's expectations years ago, but it still hurts my inards to know that someone somewhere considers me to be not enough.  It's terrible, because I am enough.  I don't need anyone's validation or approval, so what the hell?  I am mostly tired of the negative expectations because of the way I look or my day to day life.  Here are a few:

The expectation to be a good housekeeper because I'm a "stay-at-home-mom".  Um, no.  If you want my house to be clean, you can try keeping it picked up with 3 cats, 3 dogs, 3 kids and a husband.  Good luck.

The expectation to be a bad mom because I have a faux hawk.  And a lip ring.  People are constantly acting shocked when I talk to my kids with respect, and when they behave themselves in public.  Believe it or not, alternative people, which I don't even consider myself, are generally the best parents because they aren't trying to keep up with people, they are honestly just living.

The expectation to take a picture of everything because I am a photographer.  I do it as a living, and as art.  I don't just take pictures of dumbass stuff, like a weird piece of gum stuck to the road.  Thanks, though.

The expectation to blog about everything.  Just because I lifecast doesn't mean I am going to talk about your secrets.  If you do something crazy, it might get mentioned.  But I am lifecasting, not friendlifecasting.  I'm not going to secretly video anyone and post it.  This is about my life and experiences, and those just don't include selling people out or talking about every.single.thing. that I see in a day. 

I am liberating myself of these expectations and the judgements that come along with it.  There are several things you can expect from me.  You can expect me to always do my best, be giving to my friends and family, have a sense of humor, and love with 100% of my soul. 

Follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Foursquare....I'm out there baby, just find me!