#NerdsUnite: Learning to Let Life Happen

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet by buddy Jeff. We met on twitter a little while back, and then over Christmas I helped him revamp his OKC profile. He's now here to talk to you about his life outside of the programming world. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JEFF!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @Jtwebman

So last nightly I had an out of body experiences. Jen took a picture of herself and posted on Facebook saying, “On my way to a charity event then a date in South Beach with bachelor number two! Yay life!!!” Just a week ago she had her phone and debit card taken and her bank account drained. And still went to Miami anyways. So, now she was going again, but because she went the first time. For one, I more than likely would have not gone that weekend and she just jumped on the plane assuming everything was going to be ok and it was. As it sounds, she had this wonderful weekend. Which in my crazy introvert world was crazy enough to knock me out of my little world and look in.

After thinking for a bit I thought, “Wow, how does she just let life happen?” So I made a comment:

Her first comment was mind blowing. At first I wanted to deny it. Is it really that easy? Just say “Yes” to everything? Those childhood/introverted sayings came up like what if someone invites me to jump of a bridge. Then I think, “So what? It might actually be fun.” Or, “What if I can’t do it or fail or it isn’t fun?” I counter those with, “How will I know if I don’t try?” Now I think if you promised someone something you should do that, but with basic needs met and promises kept it really does make sense. So I said, “Deal, starting it now.”

Then she gives me an assignment to go outside and walk around my neighborhood and see what inspires me and follow the trail. Now I was in the middle of working so I wasn’t able to do it right away but after I wrapped up my deployment (pushing websites from staging/testing to production) I walk outside.

I stood at the corner thinking “Which way should I go?” See, I almost never just get out without a plan. I always get out with a place in mind. So I have to say I was a little lost but one thing I like about myself is I am good at making decisions and going for it. I can make adjustments later if need be. So I thought, “Well, I have never really walked up Overland so let’s do that.” I have driven up there many times but driving means you miss so much.

As I was walking up I didn’t see much just a bunch of apartments for a few blocks but as I got closer to Culver Blvd I saw a few places. Across the street I saw two little coffee shops. One I had seen but the other I had never noticed because it was small and squished between two buildings. It was also packed and the other one was almost empty yet both were open which I thought, “How interesting.” I kept walking though as I wanted to see what was up farther.

Further down there was a chilly place which was packed as well but for the most part there wasn’t much else besides this awesome water fountain at Overland and Culver Blvd. So I played tourist in my own back yard and took a picture.

After that I walked down the other side to check out the little busy coffee shop. It wasn’t as busy when I got back down there but there still were about 20 people in there and the place maybe fits 30 people. At first I almost didn’t go in. My gut was saying, too many people you don’t know, don’t go in but I instead flip around and went in. I am glad I did. Once I found out they have free wifi and it was a little better than even my home internet. I also found that all their drinks are at least a $1 less than Starbucks. Double win!

Also I have been trying to get out of my comfort zone and saying Hi to strangers over the last month in an effort to meet new people in LA. It’s been the hardest part about moving out to LA. I knew only one other person in the LA area when I moved out here and that is it. I knew Jen as well but only over the internet. I am not sure what has happen to me in the last 7 or so years but it’s like I forgot how to meet new people and make friends. I had become a hermit but no more. I don’t like being so introverted that I do nothing out besides a movie all week and grocery shopping.

I know it doesn’t seem like much especially since I only went into a coffee shop but for me it was huge. It reminded me that everything we do in life is our choice and if you want to change you only have to keep making that choice to do so.

Thanks Jen for helping me break out and grow a little more. I know it’s been months since I have written a lifecasting style post but I am so glad you pushed me. Here is my homework assignment, what is next Ms. Friel?

#thatisall

click here to follow Jeff on twitter!

#Flashback: December of 2007

OOOHHHHMYYYYYYGOOOOODDDDDD!!!

Looky looky what was tweeted to me earlier today ...

IT'S MY OLD LIVEVIDEO PACK!!!

@ejeremy was literally one of the dudes that changed my life. He hired me back in the day, to work for Brad Greenspan (one of the founders of Myspace), as a personality on his new site LiveVideo. My handle was PhotoJeNic, a nickname that my friend Vega gave me. Yeah, 2007 man, we were lifecasting. Waaayyyyyy ahead of the curve. I literally remember conversations with Jeremy joking about being able to one day do this on our phones, and yada yada.

Dude, epic - this is making my LIFE!

I used to walk around Los Angeles with this thing strapped to my back, and even velcroed to the visor of my beetle. It's a netbook, a USB based web cam, and it ran off of a sprint air card. I never ever ever ever ever showed anyone what the pack actually looked like, because I didn't want to admit that I was in fact a plant on the site. I so so so so so sooooo genuinely enjoyed what I was doing that I thought if people thought I got paid, it would cheapen my experience. I kid you not, working for LiveVideo changed everything for me. I "got" things so much faster being there, and watching people talk about social media before there was even a title for it. Nuts! Insane! and AHMAZING!!

So so so so so thankful for my experience at LiveVideo, because it was those skills that taught me what to do, and what not to do when it came to launching a site.

HAHA oh good lord, my intro video makes me cringe. I love it, totally takes me back - but good lord. I could never go through the archives ... too much, haha! Too much!

THANK YOU SO MUCH JEREMY!!! TOTALLY MADE MY DAY!! xoxox

#thosewerethedays

#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am enough.  That’s a huge huge thing to accept.  And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears.  Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever.  Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.  

After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is.  Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave.  It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it.  But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel.  I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list.  Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure.  I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens.  It is only a failure if I consider it a failure.  Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.

I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*.  It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.  

We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing.  I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak.  And who wants to be weak?  Not this badass bitch!  No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness.  It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way.  And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance.  *sigh*

What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me?  What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot?  How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough?  But I am enough.  So I don’t need your feedback.  I don’t need your acceptance.  I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears.  That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done.  My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.

#IAmEnough

Follow my transformation on Twitter and Facebook - and feel free to send me your stories, I would love to hear about your journey! 

Fear #1: Fear of #Failure

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Atychiphobia - Fear of Failure

My confidence in myself as a person is pretty high.  I’m awesome and blah blah blah.  But I’m so incredibly scared of failing.  I don’t worry about my marriage failing.  That is solid, and if it does it was just not meant to happen.  My fear of looking stupid is masking itself as this assumption that I am going to fail at everything.  I’m not stupid.  I’m not.  $40,000 in student loans got racked up to validate that I’m not stupid.  But every time I don’t succeed at something I just know everyone is looking at me like I’m an idiot.  It was dumb to start the business.  The idea for the business was stupid.  I didn’t try hard enough.  I’m not as good.  I’m not good enough.  

Thinking about it now, failing in front of my husbands parents is the thing I worry about the most.  Probably because they play the comparison game.  I should be more like my brother-in-law, or my sister-in-law...Jon started a business and is doing so great...Mandy went back to school and is doing so great....meh.  Doesn’t matter that circumstances are different, it’s just a constant be better, make more money, don’t ruin Brian’s life.  

I started two businesses before my photography.  Each were successful-ish, just not great businesses for making money.  They took took took and didn’t give much back.  So I quit.  That’s so embarrassing, I quit at something because it just wasn’t working.  I failed.  I’m not even comfortable talking about them because I feel so stupid for trying them in the first place.  One was a custom invitation company, and the other was all natural dog treats.  Both did well, but the profit margin wasn’t enough to sustain.

I know to live is to fail.  Whatever.  To fail is to look stupid.  And I’M NOT STUPID.  When Jen told me I wasn’t hitting the mark with lifecasting, it made me sooo mad!  I was pissed, and so embarrassed.  Here is someone that knows how to do it, that I am trying hard for, and it just isn’t good enough.  I am taking time away from my job and my family to lifecast, and it’s not good enough.  That makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough.  I am failing at life if I am failing at lifecasting.  What is the point in doing it if I am just going to suck it up.  I don’t want people to see me as not smart, or not good enough, or as a whiner or whatever...because maybe it will mean that I actually am those things.  I don’t want to look stupid because in my mind that means I am stupid.  I have tried hard my whole life to prove my father wrong.  That I’m not stupid, I’m good enough, I have something to offer the world...so if I fail, then he is right.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  Why waste the time of the TNTML community and family if I’m not good enough.  Why waste the time of my clients if I’m not good enough.  I’m stealing from people by taking their money for photography because I’m not good enough.

I can’t fail.  I can’t.  I can’t face anyone for not being good enough.  The negative people will have won and will have been right - I am an idiot.  I am a waste of space and breath, and time.  So I suppose this fear of failing is less about failing and more about being inadequate and looking stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint.  I don’t want to disappoint Jen, who took a risk by asking me to lifecast with her.  This is her brand and her name, I don’t want to be the fuckup that couldn’t cut it.  I don’t want to make her look stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint my husband who has supported me and let me sink so much money into my businesses.  I don’t want to disappoint myself and find out that I’m not as awesome as I claim to be.  To live is to fail....it’s the aftermath that scares me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on my fears. Tweet me: @JenSquard

Facebook me: @jenswedhinphotography

email me: mangotreelover@hotmail.com

Home at 2:30, still no #love for Jen Jen

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINES!!!!!

Omg what a weird weird weird night. So first, I went to go kick it at Dillons with my buddy Brandon ... whoooooo is amazeballs. For reals, I love this dude. Had it not been him who found this blessed little website and invited me to host a screening of Hot Tub Time Machine - my life would be very very very different right now. Rad dude, thanks again for the beer.

Went back to the house, and read through the latest draft of the pilot script. We had a conference call with the Hollywood god yesterday afternoon, and now have a face to face iRL get together with the whole team this week. SO FUCKING RADD BAHHH!!!

Got done with the script around 10, totally got hit up on Facebook by my buddy Blair, who said he wanted to go to Happy Endings - I was all OMG that's my pllllaacceeeeeeeeeeee. Let's kick it.

Walked in by my lonesome, since he was coming from somewhere in the inland empire .... translation: the middle of butt fuck.

Sat down by the bar, and literally within 20 seconds this dude came up to me. He goes, there is no WAY you are here by yourself. I explained to him that my friends were en route, but yeah! For now ... he decided to keep me company. His name is Joe, and he liked my Spirithood ...

Him: Sooooo what do you do Jen?

Me: Well, I run a website.

Him: What's the website about?

Me: Sex, tech, and other nerdy things.

Him: So do you review things? What do you mean?

Me: No - I'm a lifecaster. I only review something if I have a first hand experience with it ... but other than that I just broadcast my life, and travel around hanging out with friends of the site.

Him: That sounds so awesome.

Me: It is - unapologetically.

BWAHAHA!! This kid was suchhhhh a trip. He's like these are the best answers EVER! Then he asked me out to dinner, which I gave him my number and told him to call. He goes, girls in this town are just so flakey and blah blah blah. I was like dude, life is reflective. I don't meet flakes, because I'm not one. He thought about it for a sec and let it register ... then proceeded to smile and nod.

Then my buddy Blair came up and was wearing the COOLEST shirt on the planet ...

We started talking about projects that we were working on ... what apps were rocking our world, and why ... you know, standard Friday night nerd shit. Then upon hearing for the 100th time that it is the GREATEST TIME TO BE ALIVE ... he goes lemme guess your fav viral video - Jessica's daily affirmations?

I laughed and said that I loved it, but in fact The New Dork was my favorite. He said he had never heard of it, so I proceeded to take out my Droid, and noise cancelling headphones .... 

Um yeah. AMAZING!

THENNNNNN!! Out of the TOTAL blue, the dude that I had a date with earlier this week totally tapped me on my shoulder. I was like oh you have GOT to be kidding!!! He had rolled in with his crew just by chance, and saw my spirithood. I was just ... wow. Couldn't believe it, super smooth.

We hung out for a bit, and I got my groove on ...

THENNNN!!! I look up, and TOTALLY saw this dude from my birthday party a little while back. LA is a CRAZY small world ...

Totally didn't know what to say. It's like yeah ... became homeless, survived off of $10 for a year, crashed the grammies, jumped from a plane, traveled the country, met some amazing cool people, and oh yeah! they're turning it into a pilot.

I just told him to check it out. He's funny though, he goes, I was just asking your friend about you on Thursday. You had given me your number in the past, and you never answer your phone. I grabbed his iPhone and friended him on Facebook. I said, there! You can find me there.

Then my date from earlier in the week offered to hang out for a hot minute back at his place. Knowing that that was code for some some some to the fun fun - I was all SURE!! I wasn't going to sleep with him, but holy hell mama could have sure used some heavy petting. I am in a sexual funk like you would not believe. Ugh.

His roomie who wasn't drinking, drove us back to their place, where we hung out. Literally. The three of us at 2:00am were talking about childhood asthma, and tuberculosis. I shit you not. 30 buzzkilled minutes later, I arrived back at the apartment. Yep, I came home at 2:30am and still didn't get laid.

I just don't get it ... I'm too picky. I'm not an idiot, I could have gone home with a bunch of dudes last night ... but I don't just want to have sex, I want a challenge. It's just absolutely hilarious that the only dude who remotely stood a chance in even second base is literally the shyest thing on the planet. We didn't even kiss when he dropped me off. Poor dear, I asked him out to begin with, so there is no chance in HELLLLLLL that I am going to make the first move. Grow a pair, man.

Yep, so there we go ... that was my night. Going out again tonight with the girls.  Hoping to god I end up naked in a hot tub in the hills ... *fingers crossed*

#nerdsunite