#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am enough.  That’s a huge huge thing to accept.  And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears.  Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever.  Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.  

After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is.  Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave.  It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it.  But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel.  I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list.  Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure.  I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens.  It is only a failure if I consider it a failure.  Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.

I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*.  It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.  

We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing.  I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak.  And who wants to be weak?  Not this badass bitch!  No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness.  It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way.  And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance.  *sigh*

What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me?  What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot?  How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough?  But I am enough.  So I don’t need your feedback.  I don’t need your acceptance.  I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears.  That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done.  My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.

#IAmEnough

Follow my transformation on Twitter and Facebook - and feel free to send me your stories, I would love to hear about your journey! 

Fear #1: Fear of #Failure

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Atychiphobia - Fear of Failure

My confidence in myself as a person is pretty high.  I’m awesome and blah blah blah.  But I’m so incredibly scared of failing.  I don’t worry about my marriage failing.  That is solid, and if it does it was just not meant to happen.  My fear of looking stupid is masking itself as this assumption that I am going to fail at everything.  I’m not stupid.  I’m not.  $40,000 in student loans got racked up to validate that I’m not stupid.  But every time I don’t succeed at something I just know everyone is looking at me like I’m an idiot.  It was dumb to start the business.  The idea for the business was stupid.  I didn’t try hard enough.  I’m not as good.  I’m not good enough.  

Thinking about it now, failing in front of my husbands parents is the thing I worry about the most.  Probably because they play the comparison game.  I should be more like my brother-in-law, or my sister-in-law...Jon started a business and is doing so great...Mandy went back to school and is doing so great....meh.  Doesn’t matter that circumstances are different, it’s just a constant be better, make more money, don’t ruin Brian’s life.  

I started two businesses before my photography.  Each were successful-ish, just not great businesses for making money.  They took took took and didn’t give much back.  So I quit.  That’s so embarrassing, I quit at something because it just wasn’t working.  I failed.  I’m not even comfortable talking about them because I feel so stupid for trying them in the first place.  One was a custom invitation company, and the other was all natural dog treats.  Both did well, but the profit margin wasn’t enough to sustain.

I know to live is to fail.  Whatever.  To fail is to look stupid.  And I’M NOT STUPID.  When Jen told me I wasn’t hitting the mark with lifecasting, it made me sooo mad!  I was pissed, and so embarrassed.  Here is someone that knows how to do it, that I am trying hard for, and it just isn’t good enough.  I am taking time away from my job and my family to lifecast, and it’s not good enough.  That makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough.  I am failing at life if I am failing at lifecasting.  What is the point in doing it if I am just going to suck it up.  I don’t want people to see me as not smart, or not good enough, or as a whiner or whatever...because maybe it will mean that I actually am those things.  I don’t want to look stupid because in my mind that means I am stupid.  I have tried hard my whole life to prove my father wrong.  That I’m not stupid, I’m good enough, I have something to offer the world...so if I fail, then he is right.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  Why waste the time of the TNTML community and family if I’m not good enough.  Why waste the time of my clients if I’m not good enough.  I’m stealing from people by taking their money for photography because I’m not good enough.

I can’t fail.  I can’t.  I can’t face anyone for not being good enough.  The negative people will have won and will have been right - I am an idiot.  I am a waste of space and breath, and time.  So I suppose this fear of failing is less about failing and more about being inadequate and looking stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint.  I don’t want to disappoint Jen, who took a risk by asking me to lifecast with her.  This is her brand and her name, I don’t want to be the fuckup that couldn’t cut it.  I don’t want to make her look stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint my husband who has supported me and let me sink so much money into my businesses.  I don’t want to disappoint myself and find out that I’m not as awesome as I claim to be.  To live is to fail....it’s the aftermath that scares me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on my fears. Tweet me: @JenSquard

Facebook me: @jenswedhinphotography

email me: mangotreelover@hotmail.com

Home at 2:30, still no #love for Jen Jen

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINES!!!!!

Omg what a weird weird weird night. So first, I went to go kick it at Dillons with my buddy Brandon ... whoooooo is amazeballs. For reals, I love this dude. Had it not been him who found this blessed little website and invited me to host a screening of Hot Tub Time Machine - my life would be very very very different right now. Rad dude, thanks again for the beer.

Went back to the house, and read through the latest draft of the pilot script. We had a conference call with the Hollywood god yesterday afternoon, and now have a face to face iRL get together with the whole team this week. SO FUCKING RADD BAHHH!!!

Got done with the script around 10, totally got hit up on Facebook by my buddy Blair, who said he wanted to go to Happy Endings - I was all OMG that's my pllllaacceeeeeeeeeeee. Let's kick it.

Walked in by my lonesome, since he was coming from somewhere in the inland empire .... translation: the middle of butt fuck.

Sat down by the bar, and literally within 20 seconds this dude came up to me. He goes, there is no WAY you are here by yourself. I explained to him that my friends were en route, but yeah! For now ... he decided to keep me company. His name is Joe, and he liked my Spirithood ...

Him: Sooooo what do you do Jen?

Me: Well, I run a website.

Him: What's the website about?

Me: Sex, tech, and other nerdy things.

Him: So do you review things? What do you mean?

Me: No - I'm a lifecaster. I only review something if I have a first hand experience with it ... but other than that I just broadcast my life, and travel around hanging out with friends of the site.

Him: That sounds so awesome.

Me: It is - unapologetically.

BWAHAHA!! This kid was suchhhhh a trip. He's like these are the best answers EVER! Then he asked me out to dinner, which I gave him my number and told him to call. He goes, girls in this town are just so flakey and blah blah blah. I was like dude, life is reflective. I don't meet flakes, because I'm not one. He thought about it for a sec and let it register ... then proceeded to smile and nod.

Then my buddy Blair came up and was wearing the COOLEST shirt on the planet ...

We started talking about projects that we were working on ... what apps were rocking our world, and why ... you know, standard Friday night nerd shit. Then upon hearing for the 100th time that it is the GREATEST TIME TO BE ALIVE ... he goes lemme guess your fav viral video - Jessica's daily affirmations?

I laughed and said that I loved it, but in fact The New Dork was my favorite. He said he had never heard of it, so I proceeded to take out my Droid, and noise cancelling headphones .... 

Um yeah. AMAZING!

THENNNNNN!! Out of the TOTAL blue, the dude that I had a date with earlier this week totally tapped me on my shoulder. I was like oh you have GOT to be kidding!!! He had rolled in with his crew just by chance, and saw my spirithood. I was just ... wow. Couldn't believe it, super smooth.

We hung out for a bit, and I got my groove on ...

THENNNN!!! I look up, and TOTALLY saw this dude from my birthday party a little while back. LA is a CRAZY small world ...

Totally didn't know what to say. It's like yeah ... became homeless, survived off of $10 for a year, crashed the grammies, jumped from a plane, traveled the country, met some amazing cool people, and oh yeah! they're turning it into a pilot.

I just told him to check it out. He's funny though, he goes, I was just asking your friend about you on Thursday. You had given me your number in the past, and you never answer your phone. I grabbed his iPhone and friended him on Facebook. I said, there! You can find me there.

Then my date from earlier in the week offered to hang out for a hot minute back at his place. Knowing that that was code for some some some to the fun fun - I was all SURE!! I wasn't going to sleep with him, but holy hell mama could have sure used some heavy petting. I am in a sexual funk like you would not believe. Ugh.

His roomie who wasn't drinking, drove us back to their place, where we hung out. Literally. The three of us at 2:00am were talking about childhood asthma, and tuberculosis. I shit you not. 30 buzzkilled minutes later, I arrived back at the apartment. Yep, I came home at 2:30am and still didn't get laid.

I just don't get it ... I'm too picky. I'm not an idiot, I could have gone home with a bunch of dudes last night ... but I don't just want to have sex, I want a challenge. It's just absolutely hilarious that the only dude who remotely stood a chance in even second base is literally the shyest thing on the planet. We didn't even kiss when he dropped me off. Poor dear, I asked him out to begin with, so there is no chance in HELLLLLLL that I am going to make the first move. Grow a pair, man.

Yep, so there we go ... that was my night. Going out again tonight with the girls.  Hoping to god I end up naked in a hot tub in the hills ... *fingers crossed*

#nerdsunite

Analysis of a #Sexually Frustrated Female

*ice chewed in the background* Oh my oh my oh my ... I am sexually frustrated. Like really ... this is intense. I am a fiercely passionate person. It's just this rush that runs through my entire body that confirms the fact that it is the GREATEST time to be alive. Oh yes ... oh yes ... clearly, that rush runs through all parts of my body which makes me a very horny chick.

I haven't been in a relationship in well over a year, but through the good grace of running a website, I have been able to have my physical needs met for quite some time now. It was a good. good. good. summer. HAHAHA!! =) Winter? Not so much. Part of that had to deal with my own maturity. I am not ashamed to admit that running a brand is a big turn on for dudes ... I definitely took wonderful advantage of that in my sexual conquests.

Pushing the ego of it all aside, its very factual that a woman can wake up any day of the week and decide this morning she is going to have sex. Even commercially unattractive females in any capacity have some sort of quirk and a vagina that can get a guy's single engine machine running. Straight men are pretty easy to understand. Vagina ... penis ... penetration ... satisfaction ... sleep. Women on the other hand are a horse of a different color.

Stimulation for a female is a mental seduction. A dance of sorts where a whisper in the ear can trigger the thought process that ends with the panties dropped. It's insane ... and I wouldn't change it for the world. I love love LOVE being a female. The only downfall is that not many men know how to dance. It has nothing to do with wanting a relationship, and everything to do with needing a connection. I very literally cannot have an orgasm if I do not feel a connection with a dude. I am a very efficent nerd, if I cannot have an orgasm, I am definitely not going to have sex. One night stands are just the worst, I can't stand them and see absolutely no benefit from the female perspective. I receive no physical pleasure or satisfaction, and half the time end up wanting to fall asleep or leave. It's horrible.

How is it then that we can have this strong physical need that really can't be denied when so few men have a chance of actually fitting the bill? I know right now, I can walk out this door and have sex. That's awesome ... but won't even come close to satisfying my appetite. It's so incredibly. incredibly. incredibly. frustrating that you can receive SUCH satisfaction in what you do all day everyday, and STILL have this hunger that cannot be appeased. Is there a meditation for this? Or some sort of something?? Because I'm literally becoming delirious ... it cannot be good. Half of me wants to start channeling this energy by running across country, while the other half just wants to give up and call it quits. I'm not a quitter, nor am I a cross country runner ... dude, I rock Vans. That would just hurt.

I don't know. I throw myself at the universe by just saying ... please please please send me some super smarty pants, driven, and passionate nerd sooner rather than later. I'm going pretty crazy here, and it is SOOO not kosher for passover.

#thatisall

It's all about the #confidence - own yo-self

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

So I was tweeting it up with Miss Brooke the other day, our first chat ever, and it started a little something like this:

Definitely not an unusual thing for me to say.  I tend to like everyone until they are asswipes, and I have read some of Brooke's blogs and tweets, all things that made me like her.  This was her response:

She was totes magotes serious, and this makes me so incredibly sad.  I understand depression, and I understand struggling with confidence.  But dude, you have to have to have to own your own brand of awesome!  If you don't like yourself, change it!  If it's a personality thing, easy peezy - just knock it off and stop doing whatever it is that you find obnoxious.  I know, I know, it's not always easy peezy, but make the change.  The time is now, and this is honestly all the time we have.  Tomorrow could lead to anything - you could get stage 4 cancer at the age of 24 like one of my good friends.  You could fight it and win.  Or you could lose.  You could get hit by a car while crossing the street.  You could fight through it, or not so much.  You could get pregnant, you could get mugged, you could win the lottery.  None of these things are going to define you.  But you know what will define you?  YOU. 

Honestly, you are all you have.  Why not make today the day that you fall in love with yourself.  I see so many tweets and status updates about people losing love, or whining that they haven't found it yet.  Trust me, no one, NO ONE can love you if you don't love yourself.  No one is that strong, and convincing someone that you love them is hard enough without having to justify it.  So take some time out of every day to look at what it is that makes you so awesome.  Nurture those things.  Then look at the things that you don't like about yourself, and either work on acceptance or change. 

Do you hate the way you look?  Get over it.  This is what you have.  Everyone, including me, has totally struggled with this, but then I realized that there are people out there that legitimately believe I am a hottie manicotti.  So I released some control and started trusting in their judgement.  I went three months without wearing any makeup, and the person in the mirror became someone that I really thought was worth attention.  Hate your weight?  Go work out.  Hate your hair?  Cut it.  As long as you carry yourself with pride, and face the world with confidence, any style will be awesome.  Trust me, I rock a pixie cut, so I would know. 

I'm not saying that this is going to be an easy thing to do, but it certainly isn't going to happen until you try.  And if you haven't mastered the confidence yet, then lie.  Lie lie lie your ass off about it!  Pretend.  Act like you are confident, and I doubt anyone will be able to tell the difference.  And trust me, confidence = incredibly sexy.  And guess what?  The more people find your confidence sexy, the more confidence you will have.  It's an awesome cycle. 

Dude, we all have baggage, we all have excuses, and we all have the potential to be amazing.  Why do you read this site?  Because Jen (okay, Jens plural) is awesome, and knows it.  That confidence is so appealing, and you just want to grab a piece of it.  And her life sounds so exciting, right?  Guess why?  Because she makes changes when they're needed, and she doesn't back down from a challenge.  If you want that, then do it.  Stop waiting until tomorrow to be the person you want to be.  Tomorrow will always lead to more tomorrows.  And there just isn't time for waiting.

#kthxbye

Follow me on Twitter for more junks and stuffs: @JenSquard