#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard
I am enough. That’s a huge huge thing to accept. And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears. Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever. Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.
After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is. Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave. It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it. But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel. I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list. Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure. I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens. It is only a failure if I consider it a failure. Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.
I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness. It is a million times harder than I expected. Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*. It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.
We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing. I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak. And who wants to be weak? Not this badass bitch! No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness. It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way. And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance. *sigh*
What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me? What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot? How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough? But I am enough. So I don’t need your feedback. I don’t need your acceptance. I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears. That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done. My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.
Follow my transformation on Twitter and Facebook - and feel free to send me your stories, I would love to hear about your journey!
@JenSquard | tagged facing fears, i am enough, iamenough, jen squard, jen swedhin, life casting, lifecaster | 
Reader Comments (4)
FUCK YES!!!! ROCK ON JEN!!!!!
Just let it be ... and continue to let your mind open ... and walk towards the uncomfort and fear.
and furthermore, check yourself ANYTIME you think you've "got it under control." There is no control. ROCK ON!!! xoxox
Thank you! I had two shitty days, and today is so clear. I had a hard time exploring my fear of failure because I realized it wasn't really there. It was unfounded and not really affecting me like I thought. Learning that I am enough is going to take time. And now I'm pissed that it took me this long to get to this point. But it's an excellent start, and I am seeing things very differently.
My confidence is definitely returning, and I am ready to move forward. Thank you, Jen.
Awesome! I love LOVE this! You are very awesome. I think you can only really grow when you allow yourself to, and become vulnerable to yourself, is it fun? NO! Is it easy? NOPE, but thats how it is.