#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am enough.  That’s a huge huge thing to accept.  And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears.  Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever.  Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.  

After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is.  Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave.  It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it.  But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel.  I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list.  Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure.  I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens.  It is only a failure if I consider it a failure.  Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.

I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*.  It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.  

We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing.  I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak.  And who wants to be weak?  Not this badass bitch!  No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness.  It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way.  And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance.  *sigh*

What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me?  What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot?  How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough?  But I am enough.  So I don’t need your feedback.  I don’t need your acceptance.  I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears.  That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done.  My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.

#IAmEnough

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