Fear #2: Not Being Accepted

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Even though I have discovered the basis of my fears, I think exploring the manifestations of my insecurities will be a helpful thing to do.  It is going to be a crappy thing to do, but I’m gonna do it.  

I know that fearing not being accepted comes from not feeling good enough.  My need for acceptance isn’t something that I have ever shared before - I have always put out up a front of not caring, not needing anyone’s acceptance...but it’s true...I crave acceptance.  I try hard to get it, I am a closet people pleaser.  

It’s really only people that I respect or admire that I want that acceptance from.  Smart people, funny people, cool people...I hate being judged, and if I’m not accepted I’m obviously being judged for some reason.  I don’t bend or conform, so I just want to be accepted for who I am.  Totally unfounded, by the way.  I have been accepted most of my life.  People like me, and I have something to offer.  But it’s not enough, I’m needy as hell apparently.  I want to be everyone’s favorite, too.  I love to be loved, and love to be appreciated, and I want to be special.  

What the hell?  People don’t have time for crap like that.  I am so very aware that the only lives I am important to live with me.  I’m not needy, so this is stupid.  

I am just going to say I don’t care if I am accepted into the TNTML community.  I want to connect with people, but I don’t need anyone’s acceptance.  I don’t care if I am accepted into the TNTML family.  You are all amazing people, and I am honored to be on the same level as you, but you don’t have to accept me.  I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.  So failing to accept that is your problem.  

What’s that you’re smelling?  Is that what the Rock is cooking?  No, that’s the stench of a murdered fear.  

#IAmEnough

#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am enough.  That’s a huge huge thing to accept.  And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears.  Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever.  Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.  

After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is.  Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave.  It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it.  But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel.  I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list.  Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure.  I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens.  It is only a failure if I consider it a failure.  Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.

I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*.  It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.  

We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing.  I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak.  And who wants to be weak?  Not this badass bitch!  No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness.  It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way.  And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance.  *sigh*

What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me?  What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot?  How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough?  But I am enough.  So I don’t need your feedback.  I don’t need your acceptance.  I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears.  That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done.  My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.

#IAmEnough

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