I went to dinner with my ladyfriends a couple of nights ago, and when we saw the wine list we had to try a bottle of Mad Housewife. Totally totally fitting. And it was good! It was a sweet red, not too dry...good stuff. I'm not much of a wino, but I enjoyed it. And the cork is so badass!
Find my recent work on my website and my blog!
I don't know what the deal is, but this week I am just over it. I am tired of being a stay-home mom. I'm not even just a stay at home mom, I'm a mom that works from home. But damn, I never get a break. Work doesn't actually get done until the hubbard comes home. I spend my entire day just playing referee to these monkeys - get off the back of the couch, quit being a tattle tail, don't hit, go to your room, pick up your toys, stop yelling....it gets so incredibly frustrating. I love my kids, and I love being a mom, but I think I would love it so much more if I could get a little bit of time to myself.
I feel like such a shithead mom saying stuff like that, too. It breaks me down and I feel terrible, but it is what it is. Having three kids under four, all the time is hardcore. It's not because I am responsible for them, or that they are needy, it's that it's All.The.Time. Man, all the effing time. It's constant, and I still have to work. This isn't the job that I had planned for my life, I wasn't one of the girls that wanted to stay home with her kids since she was young. I wanted to work. I still want to work. I would LOVE to work. But daycare would cost more per day than I could make, and I would have to quit the job that I have now. So it is what it is. Having kids is the hardest and most rewarding job there is. Some days it is just more hard work than rewards.
What do you think about it? Twitter: @JenSquard
I'm newish to Twitter, still kinda getting the hang of it, and building an amazing follow base. Today I got these back to back:
Does that mean I'm getting it right? hahahaha!
You follow me? I follow you back! @JenSquard
After Jen told me she thought I was in a rut, it really took me down. Like immediately. I felt like I was doing good, I have been sharing and getting raw (seriously, the cheating post took so much out of me that I was hurting for days after writing it). I don't get incredibly raw with every single thing I post, because not everything I post calls for that. I thought I was doing good, and finding out that I'm not hitting the mark just cut me.
Jen asked me to look into my fears, so I did. I consider myself a pretty fearless person (oh my god, I am totally scared of alligators, but what can you do about that? I would totally touch one if I had the chance, but I don't want to think about that right now). I will do just about anything, eat anything, say anything...I go for it. I honestly do. I can't remember a time when an opportunity was presented that I didn't take because of a fear. Actually I can - in Ecuador in 2004 our entire group got the chance to swing on a vine in the rainforest. Actual thick amazing vine hanging from a tree. But I passed. I didn't think I would be strong enough, and I didn't want to accidentally let go and fall in front of everyone. Totally totally regret it to this day. Things make me uncomfortable, but I like the growth of facing it. But I have some emotional fears....and once I started listing them, I knew I found the right one when acknowledging them broke me down.
#1 - failing
#2 - not being accepted
#3 - looking like a wimp
#4 - being judged
#5 - disappointing
#6 - Brian dying
#7 - losing a child
#8 - being a waste of a person
#9 - being poor forever
Before I get started, I want to point out that I know some of these things are silly to some people. I understand that they don't define me and I should move on, or just disregard them. It doesn't work that way, though. Having these fears and feelings embarrasses me, and makes me feel like a puss, so just ignoring them and knowing they are unfounded isn't going to make things better. Just a disclaimer. Having said that, I could use some support through this journey...it isn't going to be easy.
Shoot me a tweet and let me know your thoughts: @JenSquard
I am feeling so many emotions lately. I am stressed about my upcoming wedding expo, but also excited at the prospect of gaining new clients. It is scary because I might be sinking tons of money into this and only get one wedding booked, but business is risk, I suppose.
I have been feeling very not confident in my photography lately, which way bums me out. I get good feedback, but it’s not so much that. Actually, it’s really stupid, and I hate to say it, but it is what it is. I started my business at the same time as another girl in town, and we became friends. We helped each other a lot, learned together, and grew together. We are at about the same point in our business, and we have the same skill sets. Our work is pretty similar, quality is the same, comparable equipment....yet she has over 800 Facebook likes, and I have less than 400. I know that doesn’t mean much, but actually it does. Social media is everything now, and that is how I get the majority of my clients. I just don’t get it...and it is really taking a toll on me. And I’m embarrassed that I even feel that way, but I do so I might as well acknowledge it.
Another thing I feel lame about is the TNTML community. I feel like a total outsider. Maybe it’s because I’m newer, or maybe because I started lifecasting right as everyone had to stop contributing so much after the hack. Or maybe I’m just being a tard, but whatever it is I feel not so accepted and for the first time in my life that actual matters to me.
I know life is reflective and I shouldn’t need validation and whatnot...but it is what it is. I am putting every single little piece of my soul into my business and lifecasting, so of course these things are hardcore painful. It’s parts of my soul that just aren’t good enough. It’s feels like me failing at being a person, not just at being a photographer. And I’m totally not even failing...I just am not feeling good enough. Not a feeling I am used to, and not a feeling I am okay with. I’m just not sure how to look past it.
Feel free to share your thoughts: @JenSquard
Wednesday, January 19, 2011 at 4:15PM