#NSFW: What's better than texts from last night? Video from this morning!

Um yeah. This is happening ...

It's time for a #change. Like now.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I’m normally a super happy person.  Positivity is something I always try to maintain, but lately I’ve been feeling really...shit-head-y.  I’m not sure what it is......actually, I know exactly what it is.  2010 sorta sucked.  Not just a little ween, either, like a fat stinky ingrown hair-riddle scrote.  Okay, that’s a little harsh, we did get a gorgeous baby this year.  Mostly everything else blew fat ones.  Up until this last week I have felt like my face is getting pounded in the dirt around every corner.  

See, to start, my hubby was “on call” all year, which basically means he got to work about 40% of the time.  We live very simply, but mortgage companies gots to get their dough.  Kids apparently get hungry and need food.  All silly things, I know, but we’re pretty insistent on having a place for our kids to sleep and yummies for their tummies.  The stress of not knowing if we would be getting a paycheck from week to week is not only hard on us as individuals, but because it is hard on the individuals it is hard on the couple.  

I also had an incredibly difficult pregnancy.  I had gestational diabetes, which means a whole bunch of things - the baby could be huge or tiny (my son-pregnancy #2-was 10 1/2 pounds at birth), could be stillborn, could die shortly after birth...all sorts of crazy complications.  Which means that I was on a crazy strict low carb high protein diet.  Two things that should never go together: pregnancy + diet.  Or pregnancy + low carb.  Or pregnancy + high protein.  So hard, it made me feel like total shit all the time, on top of the stresses of being pregnant.  I constantly felt guilty for needing to be on medicine, and the fear of harming my daughter if I ate too many crackers was hardcore.  Recovery from the c-section was awful, like super awful, and to top it all off, one of my hubby’s parents treated me poorly in the hospital, and even got upset that I asked my husband to help me take a shower one day when he was supposed to be home working on our remodel.  Apparently that’s a nurse’s job and it’s 1950.  

All of these things have hardened me a bit.  I find myself getting angry easily, staying annoyed with people over little things, and not giving new people much of a chance.  That is sooooooooo not me.  What the hark?  I no likey.  I no likey one bit.  I’ve been judgemental and intolerant.  And it’s time for a change.
No more of that bullshit.  I want to be positive again.  I want to be funloving again.  I want my fuse to be loooooooooooooooooooooong.  And I’m starting today.  It’s all starting from within, and it’s time to re-evaluate EVERYTHING.  So buckle up kids, it’s going to get bumpy. 

The transformation begins today.

See for yourself on Twitter or Facebook.

#ThingsThatMakeMe ... FEEL REJECTED

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

My dad is a nut.  Total nut.  Like borderline sociopath, I think.  He thinks the rules don't apply to him, he's an angry person, and he honestly honestly thinks that he has control over everrrrrything.  Literally, he told me once that if I pissed him off he would go down to the DMV and tell them to revoke my license.  Right, that's how it works, brainiac.  He was incredible emotionally and verbally abusive while I was growing up, and I finally left his house when I was sixteen.  I didn't talk to him again until I was 24, when his mother died.  I went to her funeral to be supportive to my grandpa, and he mostly acted like nothing ever happened. 

We talked, he was nice to me, and everything seemed fine.  He got to meet my daughter (she was 1), and I felt like a pretty generous person by giving him another chance.  I decided at the time that if he wanted some sort of a relationship, I would be open to it. 

I talked to him again a couple weeks after the funeral.  He called to tell me to call my grandpa.  Not for any particular reason, just to remind me to call him.  Cause I'm not a grown up, and need to be reminded to be a good person, apparently.  I told him that I was pregnant, again, and he said congratulations.  And then I never heard from him again. 

Well, not really.  He sent a present for my son on my daughters birthday.  4 months after he was born.  And last Christmas he sent a savings bond for both of my kids.  He has yet to acknowledge that I have three kids now.

You know what?  Whatever.  I haven't had a good dad ever, so it's not like this is new stuff.  But I have kids now, why would anyone not want to know their AWESOME grandkids?  Here's what gets to me - he has a relationship with my sister.  He bought her son a high chair not too long ago.  He calls her up to let her know that my grandpa is going to be in town, and takes her out to lunch.  And the kicker - he frickin called and invited her to Thanksgiving.  Let's not forget that my sister got tired of the abuse and left his house when she was 17. 

So what the fuck?  What did I do to deserve that bullshit?  It's easy to say that I don't care, but guess what?  I do.  He's my dad.  The only one I've ever had.  And for him to live in the same town as me and just not want to be around me ever?  Eff off, doucher.  I honestly think it's because he can't handle the fact that I am a successful, accomplished adult.  Really, if he can't be telling me what to do, he just doesn't know how to have a relationship with me.  It's so frustrating, and sooooo hard to stay confident when your own father choses not to love you. 

I know all I can do is be a good mom to my kids.  I can cherish the relationships I do have.  But damn, Daddy issues fuck with the brain, and they last forevvvveeeerrrr.  Forever.  I'm not sure I will ever be fully healed.  I forget and move on a bit, but then I hear that he invites one of his daughters to Thanksgiving.  Busted wide open.  Damn it. 

Tweet me.  Friend me.  Love me.

How'd you spend your #Saturday Night?

Days of the week are weird for me. I just work. I kinda don't know anything different. This whole notion of a weekend is somewhat gone to me since I have no established value of what a weekend is.

I spent my Saturday relaxing, and my Saturday night reconfiguring the SEO work for this blessed little site. LA is weird - every night is a Saturday night. I've never been big on going out on Fridays or Saturdays, as there are just WAY too many annoying tourists. I prefer to go out on a Monday or Wednesday.

Little did I know however, that all the magic would be popping over at TNTML HQ ...

HAHAHA!! I was dying. There I was doing some SEO work, and LITTERRRALLYYY thought it was an earthquake because there was all this shaking. Oh no, that was just Stouty.

Then, I decided to go into my room and just catch up on some Netflix, and to my horror at that distance, I was exposed to the actual "slapping" sound. Yep, we know what that is.

Oh yeah ... and now I am laying in bed with a 26 toed cat. This thing is obsessed with me, and has managed to win me over on the entire feline species once again. Yep ...

And this is my life.

Welcome.

#NerdsUnite

Total #buzzkill

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I'm bummed.  I hung out with the family today, and this whole lifecasting business came up.  I had talked to my mom about it before I started, and she was totally on board.  She has read my stuff in the past, and was all about it.  Today when we talked about it she said, "Yeah, some of your posts are......interesting."

I knew right away she was talking about the shoplifting post.  She told me she knew at the time that I was lying, but there's just not much you can do when it's your kid.  I don't know....the whole thing just upsets me.  I believe that she knew I was lying at the time and didn't know what to do about it.  I guess my issue is with the tone.  She was and is the person that I worry about reading these lifecasts.  There are so many ugly things that I would like to talk about, but so much of it I don't want my mom to have to see, and I don't want her to judge me for it.  What do I do about that?  Tell her I don't think she should read this new part of my life?  How can she support me in this new adventure if I don't let her experience it.  Should I pick and choose the posts that I invite her to read?  Or just get over it, and let her see things that I am okay with everyone else but her seeing?

I just don't know what to do, and I'm sad that my previous post wasn't well-received, which out of everything I have to say, is one of the mildest.  Uuuuuggggh.  I knew this was something I would have to face eventually.  I just didn't think it would be so soon. Maybe my feelings get hurt too easily, and maybe I am being too sensitive, but this is a big part of my life right now, and I don't want to half-ass it one way or the other.

Twitter and Facebook + you = awesome.