#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Trust- Eric James & The New Century

*waves* Hello again from the Corner Bakery!! Goodness gracious I get SOO much more work done when I am at coffee shops. I just lose too much track of time when I am at any sort of home base. Super grateful too that again, @maniacalmorgan works for Coffee Bean - so before each work session I get free coffee. HAHA!! I will die milking the system as much as I can, man. Loves it. Dude, I have sooooo much SEO work to do today. I'm gonna fly being this caffeinated. BAHHH!!

Crazy time ... I got the breakdown last night for the lead in the "Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover" pilot. My life rights are tied into it - so I was asked some pretty personal questions before things began and it just got me thinking that it never occurred to me that none of this was normal.

I've never fit in ... anywhere. I was too cute to be a nerd, and too nerdy to be cute. I say that of course as humbly as possible, but incredibly incredibly matter of fact - that as a model, I couldn't have a brain. Kicked ass in sales, but never felt fully satisfied with anything I was doing because I was too young to succeed at something like that so quickly. I know right, *worlds tiniest violin* but it's so true that you can only be so attractive and so smart to succeed in a "normal" environment. Having this super trippy story was prolly the only way I was every going to find personal satisfaction. Which is just such a trip ... Hindsight is always 20/20. It just cut out so much of the bullshit and got things done SOOOO quickly. In LA everyone talks up a big game about, ohhh I can help you with this acting gig, or you know, you need to meet this agent he can do this. I don't have an agency, or a manager - I just have lawyers. That just doesn't happen ... but maybe with social media this is the NEW story ... this is the NEW way to get things done ... just do it yourself! I wasn't waiting for someone to call someone, or for someone to discover me ... I tweeted!!! So nuts ... so so nuts. Seeing it on paper as a character breakdown is even nuttier!!!

Oh la la ... and I'm wearing my sexy boots today. Back when I donated everything, these shoes were stuck under my seat ... so I inadvertently kept them. Super grateful now, cause today I feel sexxyyyyyyy!! RAWRRRR!!

HA! So much of the last year was removing the vanity. I had to figure out who I was aside from the looks department. Dude, I have been a scrubby motherfucker for an entire year. For reals ... for a chick that received so much validation on looks - that was a shift in consciousness. However, super super super grateful for it. I was just always so in my head wondering what other people were thinking about me and yada yada. It was horrible. Dude, being of a certain attractiveness is an INCRREEDDIIBBLLYYYY lonely existence. For reals ... guys I've dated over the years have always said the same thing, "I thought you were out of my league." No wonder why I dated douchey guys, they were the only ones that ever approached me!! Spending the last year wearing the weirdest clothing, almost no makeup taught me so much. Oddly enough the more that I recognized that my awesome was organic, and the less I even cared about my looks at all - the MORE dates I got. I swear to you, I have never been asked out more in my entire life. Every day I get asked out. It's incredible. I'm APPROACHABLE!!! THANKKKK GOOODDDDD!!!!

Speaking of dating, I totally asked a boy out on Facebook the other day and am taking him to this event tonight. Super exciteddddd!! It's actually a big deal. Variety is throwing this shindig downtown with all these comedians ... I'm really excited. This is a boy I met IRL, not on OKC ... thought was cute, and asked out. Period end of sentence. I am sensing some serious growth with my intimacy issues. #SCORE!!!

Why I named my #daughter Cadence

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Now that I have shared the stories of my first and second babies' names...did you actually read them.  Do it.  Okay, ready?  My last little baby, Cadence, is 5 months old.  Aaaah, she's a beauty, too!  While the other kiddos have great stories behind their names, Cadence...not so much.  I had only heard the name Cadence one other time - she was Alyson Hannigan's hot sister on American Wedding (played by January Jones).  That's about it!

Apparently a cadence is some military thing - something they chant while marching, I think.  I don't know, I just think it sounds sweet and magical.  And it is the perfect fit for my little Cadie-did.

Tell me your story: @JenSquard

Just let this #sink in ...

This is hands down one of my all time fav quotes that was brought to me by a very very very dear love, Armeni. I've been repeating it over and over in my head all night. It's just so darn true!!

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Remember, your awesome is organic. Why not let it out to play every once in a while?

#LetGo

Why I named my #daughter Anika

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I knew I was having a girl from early on in my pregnancy, I could just feel it.  And I had NO idea what to name her.  Not even a little bit.  I liked the name Pearl, but apparently I am in the minority on that one.  We got pregnant on our honeymoon in Fiji, so we threw some names around about the local culture, and things that we loved about our honeymoon.  The most awesome thing about Fiji (besides it being Fiji and amazing) is that they sing-talk.  Instead of just saying "Bula, Jen.  Bula, Brian." which means hello, they kinda sing it.  But Bula...not a cute name for a baby girl.

We did meet an amazing couple from Sweden, which is where Brian's family originated (hence the weird last name of Swedhin).  Their names were Anica and Bjorn.  Bjorn was in a diving accident in his 20's and was confined to a wheelchair with no use of his lower half.  Anica was amazing with him, she lifted him when he needed it, stayed back when he couldn't participate in an activity, and was incredibly patient and supportive.  They were on their honeymoon, too. 

I wanted a name that conveyed kindness and strength, that was unique but not made up, and was easy to say.  Well I got some of those qualities since no one can pronounce Anika right (try this - Aunicka).  For a middle name we went with Piper.  In Ecuador, the birthplace of our lovestory, Brian and I studied the caterpillars that fed on Piperacea, a beautiful plant with heart-shaped leaves. 

So there it is.  Anika Piper.  She is fiesty, bold, emotionally receptive and incredibly expressive.  She is also stubborn and smart.  And I sweet ass dancer!

You likey what I say-ey? Why not follow me on Twitter? @JenSquard

My friend just texted me that he wanted to #kill himself, so I told him to do it.

Alrite, here's my deal. People come to me for everything. From how to fix a broken image on a site, to questions on which blog is best suited for their client, to dating, and to incredibly serious life or death shit. I don't know where, or why, or what, but they do. It's awesome, I'm incredibly grateful that it allows me to be of service. I've had a very full 25 almost 26 years on this planet enabling me to be able to relate to people, and break situations down for them in a very specific manner because chances are good - I've actually walked in those shoes. 

Suicide attempts used to totally be my thing. I suck at suicide actually ... one of the VERY few things in life that I cannot do. Shocking ain't it? Life's a bitch ... it just keeps going after you take an entire bottle of pills. Who knew!!! Amazing though how many organs you can actually feel the next morning. Yes, I felt my organs ... and still have a gnarly scar on my nose from when I was so high from the tylenol PM that my face smacked this white corkboard I had in my room. 

So you have to understand that when I got the text from a friend from high school saying "I was thinking about suicide again for the first time since Hall (my old high school)." I knew what shoes he was standing in. Size 7 Jimmy Choos ... FAABBULLLOOUUSS!! 

Rather than coddle him, or immediately call him - as again, we were texting each other ... I continued working on the post that I was editing and with one hand texted "you want an escape. You don't want to die, or you'd already be dead." 

In 2005, or 2006, forgive me - those years tend to swirl together ... I wanted just that escape. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to keep living like this and felt like I had no other way out.

I had come home from work, which was honestly a job I loved ... but was just super super super depressed. I had a history of depression, spending the majority of my life in and out of therapy and all the in betweens on every anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-living medication imaginable. My boss at the time had picked up on it, and confronted me asking if everything was okay. It wasn't. But I couldn't tell him that. I instead was just offended, thinking, there's no WAY my work is suffering! I'm a perfectionist! I'm the perfect employee that you love and have consistently promoted. True story, in all my years of schooling, I never even got a detention. Served one once with a friend ... but I was on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL of goody goody.

I was also at that weird stage in your early 20s of wondering what is next, where to go, and how am I going to get there. I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed. So much so actually, that I got into a fender bender going 3 miles an hour trying to turn left out of the garage leaving work. When I got home, I grabbed a Costco sized bottle of Tylenol PM and took as many that were in there. I didn't really think about anyone ... or anything ... there was no dramatic life passing before my eyes moment ... I just wanted out - and fast. The problem was, none of it was fast. I swallowed the pills dry, and then heard a little bell. I had just rescued a dog, Rocky Balboa, and he just came into my room. Rocky had just spent 2 years in a crackhouse, now his new mommy that he recently bonded with is going to leave this world? Oh no ... this can't happen ... 

I was dating a medic in the military at the time, I called him and told him what I did. He first asked for my exact address, and I told him I wouldn't give it to him. (He was active on base a few hours away, I used to go to see him, but he couldn't drive down to see me.) Even when I dry swallowed all of those pills, I didn't really want to die. I think in my head I thought I would have just woken up in a hospital somewhere, after sometime had passed, and the world would magically have been a better place. I wanted a part of me to die, but not the whole thing. I laid on the floor at this point feeling incredibly dizzy and light headed from all the crying. He stayed on the phone with me the entire time, asking me anything to keep me awake.

I remember next him telling me to get myself to throw up. I put my fingers down my throat, and I think even a toothbrush ... at this point however, you have to understand, everything was a blur. It was just this overwhelming sense of uncomfort and this scream my body was making saying, GET THIS OUT OF ME!!! 

I can't remember how it came out, or what ... again - I was soooooooo out of it, but my medic boyfriend got me through it. I wasn't allowed to go to sleep for a while, and I kept having to move around which you can imagine how hard that was when you've taken that many Tylenol PMs. But again, I had an incredibly high tolerance to pills after having been on them for my entire life. 

Bottom line: When you're in that place, it's not fun - but it's a great sign that you are ready for a big change. Be grateful for the wake up call. It's time for a transformation of the old to new. 

Buddha tells us, to live is to suffer. We're already dying. So hurry up and go live! Our physical bodies decay a bit more every.single.day. Incredibly matter of fact - get over it, that's a constant. If anyone tells you anything different then they're just trying to sell you something. 

Happiness is from within, and it is a state of being at a certain level of consciousness. I have no idea how else to describe that to someone, but I sure as shit know, you can't get this from a pill. Dude, if you could - I would totally already be bottling and selling it, trust me. Everyone's experiences in life are different, and each and every one of us experience happiness in different ways. So just go with it!

I can't change my friends state of consciousness. I can't heal the world. I also don't try. Life is reflective, all I had to do was heal myself. 

Your first step towards happiness is simply finding what feels good to you. Literally - it is crazy stupid simple. Like almost too simple that you're prolly not even going to do it. That's why though that state of desperation is SO important because when you are there, you will do it - because you have nothing else. 

A piece of me died that day. And another piece of me died two years later when I tried again and this time just wound up walking to a rehab clinic down the street saying "I need help, but just from myself." Yeah ... that was a fucking trip. Wound up in a hospital on a 5150 aka 72 hour hold, but was released after 48 hours because I was deemed sane and not a harm to myself. No worries ... those 48 hours in a nuthouse will be another post ... haha!! YAY LIFE!! 

So yeah, I get it. It sucks, but welcome to life. We're all dying, that's a constant ... so wake up and start living.

xoxo #NerdsUnite