#DatingDetox: It's done, but now what?

Today marks the 30th day of my self imposed dating detox!!!!

Here's a rundown of the tasks I've finished ... 

1) No dating for 30 days. Done. 

2) No swearing. I am donating $50 to a local charity here in LA. Anyone have a suggestion please let me know!! 

3) I must get up every morning and put on makeup. Done. I love, love, loved this btw. I thought it was going to err on the side of vanity caring about makeup and making sure you look a certain way. I genuinely never care about what I look like. My roommate will tell you that I walk around without any makeup for sometimes days at a time if I can get away with it and am in hermit mode. What I couldn't grasp though in that state was the beauty of self care. It wasn't about putting on globs of makeup but about liking what I saw in the mirror and reminding myself that damn gina, you're still a fine looking thang ova there! Having such terrible luck in dating really did a number on my self esteem. 

4) Get contacts. I haven't been home in the last 2 weeks, so I haven't been able to get to my doctor. I did though make an appointment for next week, so it will get done. 

5) Get my car back. No more city bus. I AM FINALLY GETTING MY CAR BACK!!! Today, I messaged my friend that has my car and asked for a text of my license plate. From there, I have to call tomorrow to find out one of the ticket numbers for my vehicle and then pay online. From theerrrreeeee, I'm going to call the insurance company and get coverage in addition to going to my appointment with my mechanic on Monday. Getting my car back is ENORMOUSLY overwhelming for me on an emotional level. I can live off of literally nothing - that's no joke. I don't need a car, but it's again part of the self care component. I don't need to take the city bus anymore. I can afford my car, gas, and insurance. After being SO POOR for a year though during my bartering social media as currency, there is this extremely irrational part of my brain that wants this massive nest egg for myself and never wants my bank account to be that low again. To feel PURE HUNGER on more occasions than I can count is something I NEVER EVER EVER want to experience again. 

6) No slaves. I haven't talked to any of my slaves all month. I'm not sure where I stand on everything, but am going to give it a bit longer to see if I want to explore the community again. 

7) No drinking. I didn't cut out drinking entirely, but I averaged less than a single glass of whatever each week. It was gnarly even the other night at my friend's bday party that little bit extra of wine REALLY got to me. My tolerance is NOTHING right now which is a really good thing. It was great to sometimes just get an iced tea instead of defaulting to a beer or whatever the popular cocktail was at the given location. It definitely helped my waistline as well. 

8) Healthy eating. I've been eating super healthy all month. I eat powerbars after workouts, and keep pretty kosher with either a salad or small sandwich. My appetite has decreased in general and I feel fuller faster which is rad. 

9) Visit the gym everyday.  Dude, my clothes are falling off of me. I put on weight when I launched this brand, and within about the next 30 days I'll lose that last little bit and be back at my weight pre this site. It wasn't my intention, but it honestly feels GREAT going to spin class at the end of each day. In fact, the last two days I haven't been able to go for scheduling reasons has made me SUPER cranky. There's something about just going to class and completely shutting your brain off. Me gusta mucho. 

10) I must keep my room clean. I LOVED this goal too, and I've kept it. (Except for this very moment funny enough.) I take such pride in getting up in the morning and making my bed, and hanging any lingering clothing. I'm def not a clean freak, but now I'm somewhere in between and it feels GREAT! 

10) Must do 15 girly things. 

Ex list: 

a) maintain manicure - done

b) maintain eyebrows - done

c) bikini wax (never done that one before) 

d) go shoe shopping for myself and pay for my own shoes (I currently only own corporate sponsored shoes or domme shoes that my slaves bought me. I need to buy a pair for myself.) - done

e) girly slumber party - done

f) buy myself a new outfit for the purpose of impressing myself - done

g) buy a piece of art that inspires me - done

h) take a pottery class 

i) cook dinner for friends - done

j) visit the lacma - done

k) host a chick flick marathon - done

l) go shopping with girlfriends and try on super girly clothing. The frillier the better. - done

m) take a bubble bath

n) visit a spa and pay for visit myself

o) purchase perfume - done

p) get a new tattoo (all big life changes require a tattoo) - done

q) meet someone that inspires me - done

r) make a new girlfriend 

I still have two more things to do from the list, but again, considering I've been traveling for the last two weeks - I am going to give myself a little breathing room and wrap everything up this weekend. 

I got back on OKC last night expecting this grand moment of relief. YES! I thought I would say, online dating!! I can have you again!!!! 

Instead of being excited though, I felt a bit sad. I feel like a piece of me dies every day knowing that I am still in this place. I am such a bitch to men. I get so bored and disinterested and because I have no filter it is incredibly obvious. Then, if I am into a guy I freak thinking he must be emotionally unavailable. Most of the time, however, it turns out he's not but a lifestyle conflict arises based on my choices and it ends anyway. 

I get SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED some days thinking I do ALL of this self work, and what do you get in the end? The reward from this detox happened in business and happened in my spirit. Again, my parents said when I saw them recently that they had honestly never seen me so happy. (And GENUINELY happy. Not just the crappy smile I put on my face for the first 24 years that lead to a nervous breakdown.) I feel great, there's no doubt about it, but it's still not enough. I'm 28, spending another Valentines day working, (after spending the last 28 years without a Valentine in general) and I just got out of a relationship with a plant. 

Yes, a fucking plant. 

None of this is normal, and I get that this is why people find me interesting ... but at the end of the day this is my real life. I'm not lonely any more because I have truly spectacular friends but I have this fear that I'm going to become this crazy obsessed capitalistic maneater. And even worse, I feel like I have no choice in the matter. It's like, this is what is in front of me. I thought FOR SURE I'd be STOKED to get out the gate again and just start dating, and now I'm not so sure. Does this mean even more self work? It's definitely created even more of a demand for my attention in general. 

It's all so frustrating, and never ending. Google says I'm the "worlds best girlfriend" yet the only relationship I've had for the last 6 years has been in this last month and required watering once a week. 

It's funny, I got recognized twice on the street today yet I look in the mirror and am no longer sure I recognize myself. 

Now what? 

#thatisall

#NerdsUnite: It All Started With a Kiss

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jordan. He was one of the first writers here on TNTML and he's a really rad mofo. I forget how we first started talking - but he lives allllllll the way over in Kansas and wants to talk to you about life from his side of the monitor in the keyword of nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT JORDAN!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @SaintPepsi

So there I was alone again for New Years. It would seem holidays and I rarely get along. No one was even in Manhattan, KS for New Year’s. Luckily, my friend Bri came out so I actually had someone to hang out with.

It was snowing and cold as balls. I had no intention of making a mad dash to find someone to kiss for New Years. For the last few months I had basically, given up on my search for a girl. A few sparks that quickly died with barely so much as a fire started. So I was content with my bachelorhood. Settling in for the long winter ahead.

Midnight struck and Bri kisses her boyfriend and I am left staring up at the lasers hitting snow and illuminating it, creating a look like glitter falling everywhere. If ever there was a magical moment it should be now. I turned and said who is giving me a New Year’s kiss. Three guys took off assuming I meant them. So I parted ways with Bri intent on heading home soon thereafter. She doesn't do well in the cold and as cold as it was I didn’t blame her for taking off so soon after midnight.  Still I figured I would take one turn around the ville to see if anyone else I knew was out and about. Knowing I had friends at this tiny and might I add horrible bar at the end of the road I decided to start there.

A gay friend of mine was drinking there and I figured if nothing else I could get a New Year’s kiss from him. I did! It wasn’t all fireworks, but I’m sure there was some glitter involved. I was slightly content. Hey! At least I got a New Year’s kiss and I was a bit far gone on Champlain. Walking outside for a smoke I looked up and from the swirling snow a girl is walking towards me that used to work at the Plasma center. I yelled “PLASMA GIRL.” She said, “or Kristi!” with a slight annoyance and come to find out later she really hated being called Plasma girl. I asked her what brought her to this dark corner of the ville. She replied she was coming to see the same friend I was hanging out with. “What a crazy random happenstance!” I mentioned, “That's who I'm here with.” Then I asked if she had gotten her New Year’s kiss yet? Keep in mind I had 2 bottles of bubbly confidence residing in my belly. She said, “I’ve never gotten a New Year’s kiss before.” So I just leaned in a kissed her. Just like that. Seriously, I surprised myself. I fully anticipated getting slapped. She just smiled and we both walked into the bar. That smile. I tell you what I was hooked. We all went from bar to bar after that and parted ways for the night later.

The next day I messaged her on Facebook letting her know I didn't mean to steal a kiss and if she wanted to: I would love to take her out for a legit date. Promising that my Facebook photos were kinda lying in how crazy they made me seem. Generally, I come to find out most to be friends and especially girl are terrified by the initial research into my Facebook page. Well they are kinda true, but usually only half the story. Still she said yes. Keep in mind I entered into this under a safe assumption she would say no. No belly full of confidence this time. So you can imagine my surprise when she said. “Yes.” To clarify I said date. I have found not calling things dates in the past, rarely worked out in my favor.  So that following Wednesday, even though I had to wake up at 5 am the next morning, I was going to power through. It had been a while since I had been on a legit date. So we met up for coffee around 7:30. Talked till they closed down and moved it to a local bar. Then on to Mae's and almost closed them down. I walked her to her car and we said our goodbyes. I didn't know how the rule went for kissing; as we had already done that so I just reset the date meter and gave her a lingering hug. Which was matched in return. She told me we had to go see Les Miserable the following week. I told her, “Sure if you want to see me cry.” To which she replied, “Of course and I’ll make fun of you for crying.”  So yeah! She scheduled the next date. A girl that's actually into me and I don't have to chase like it's the end of the world. Did I mention she has a smile that lights up a room.

Les Miserable is not a date movie. It is very long and painful to watch. Don’t get me wrong it’s a beautiful movie, wonderful acting, great singers. Absolutely filled with sadness. We did not leave that theater feeling uplifted at all. So I had been feeling sick this week. A horrible trade off. When I went to drop her off at home I told her, “I really wanted to kiss you goodnight, however I have a head cold and didn’t want you to get sick.” Without hesitation or pause for thought she fires back, “I’ve had my shots!” We kiss! That’s movie timing folks. This girl is the bee’s knees. Crazy how I was not looking for a girl, deciding to totally sign off on the search for someone and life just lets one in. I’m not complaining either. This girl actually has her life together. She isn’t crazy, at least not in the way I am used to girls being crazy. I have actually been having a hard time just accepting the happiness that has come with this. I’m used to so much drama, to me fighting so hard to prove myself as a worthy contender for a girls heart. That when this girl accepted mine it left me in stark disbelief. Almost waiting for the hammer to drop. Something in the back of my mind saying, “Nope it’s too good to be true something horrible is about to happen.” Time to silence both my mind and any of the disbelief and just be content that maybe, just maybe I have lucked out in finding a remarkable woman whom I shall not be taking for granted.  I can’t wait to see where this coupling leads me. If happiness is the byproduct of a few weeks then a joy filled life might just be the result of further time spent with her.

#nerdsunite

click here to follow Jordan on the twittah!

My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Kansas)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

Come Kansas, it’d been awhile since Megan and I had seen “ethnic” food of any kind. Right, I know, we saw it in Wisconsin, but just trust me on this: when you’re from San Francisco, not having daily access to a burrito is bizarre.* So when Meg wanted to set me up with her cousin, who suggested a restaurant that served Dos Equis XX and enchilada sauce, no way was I looking a gift horse in the mouth.

I met the cousin on a small bridge connecting two walkways at the university he works at as an offensive football coach. He did not say much to me, so I let him and Meg chatter away while he led us to his apartment. Because yes, the cousin also happened to be our homestay in the tiny town of Emporia, Kansas. And within minutes, there I was: the pile of bags that make up my life at the moment, smelly running shoes and all. Not only was I going on a first date with Meg’s cousin, but I was going to be going home with him too, whether I wanted to or not.

This was either going to go so wrong, or so right.

I always have a backup plan when it comes to a first date. If things are going awkwardly and my conversational chatter falls flat, I start asking questions about dating. I know, this seems both intuitive and yet completely wrong at the same time; intuitive because hey, I’m making a movie about dating! But bat-guano insane because who the hey talks about dating on a first date?

See, a few days back Megan and I chatted about keeping things fresh and interesting by discussing the past, present, and future dating experiences of each of my dates. Skeptical about whether I could ask an absolute stranger about the first time he fell in love, I considered what that would look like. When you have nothing else to say to someone, you look for a common thread; and most everyone has at least a thought about love, whether or not they believe in it. The topic of love is not just a conversation starter — it’s the appetizer, main course, dessert and coffee afterward.

Interestingly though, my date with the cousin went so right, and thus actually left me not needing to rely on my backup plan. After sitting down, instead of feeling like an interview, it felt like I was on the epitome of a first date. We got to know each other. We bantered. We asked questions. He was so polite he even poured me my own salsa in case I didn’t like sharing things (hello, demonstrations of being considerate and thoughtful, though it was unnecessary).  As the restaurant closed down around us, we lingered over the last of our beers, and then of our water, until we were kicked out around the bewitching hour of 10pm.

And then, like any good first date, I went home with him and Megan, and the three of us sat on the couch watching ABC Family television shows.

*#firstworldproblem. I know.

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

Weird Al Says: #WTF?!

Stan Lee created Iron Man as a challenge to create a character no one should like and force people to like him.

This has been a moment of ... WTF?! 

#Question: Why Is She Not Returning My Calls Or Texts?

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Here at the AoC headquarters, one of the questions that seem to pop up over and over again is, “I got this girls number. Why hasn’t she answered my text, call or messages?” We hear this at least once a week. There are two very simple answers to this question:

1. She is not interested. At least not yet.
2. She is busy and you really did not do anything to warrant her attention.

Just because you have nothing else going on, does not mean that she doesn’t. Women have very active social lives. They are in high demand for events, parties, dates and friends. Look at the typical girl’s Facebook page. She has her own career, possibly school and her own social life that existed before she ever gave you her number. You think that just because you had an innocent flirty exchange and managed to get her number that she’s been thinking about you since? Guys let’s be realistic here. Girls give out their numbers a lot. Sometimes, they do it just to get you to leave them alone.

There is one rule you should live by when it comes to getting numbers, and that rule is, “A quality interaction will get you a quality number.” So, I want to give you a few tips to create a quality interaction.

1. Don’t think about going for the number unless you are really vibing. Enjoy the process of meeting someone new that’s cool. The number is just a perk of a great interaction.
2. Show some interest in her other than her looks. Let her know that she is a cool person.
3. Don’t wait until there is an awkward silence to get the number. In fact don’t ask for it at all. Assume that since the flirting has been going well that she would want to give you her number. Example: “You know you are really fun. We should hang out. Here, put your number in my phone.” (Then hand her your phone with the number pad open).
4. If you have an abundance mindset and you have plenty of cool people in your life, why would you be complaining about flakes anyway? Get out there and start meeting plenty of cool people.
5. Get busy. If you have an active life, you won’t come off as desperate which can kill any attraction that you have managed to create.
6. Spend some time connecting on an emotional level. This will solidify the attraction you have built. Example: Match the emotions she is feeling on topics that excite her or that she is passionate about.
7. The number is only a means to meet-up. Use the examples in http://howtotextgirls.com/ to help you get in the groove of on effective texting.

If you manage to do these few things you will find your flake rates going down. Sure you might not leave the club with as many numbers, but you will have a better chance at making better connections and getting some dates. Isn’t that the point anyway?

It’s easy to get wrapped up in someone when they are the only lead you have. Be careful getting invested in someone you have only spent five minutes getting to know. You have to actively allow yourself not to think about them. The more people you are meeting, the easier it is to do this. Get active.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.