#NerdsUnite: Cheating 101 (Why We Cheat)

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Everyone has their own definition of what constitutes cheating. Most people’s immediate reaction is that it’s when their partners have sex with someone else, but rarely is anything quite so black and white. If sex with someone else is cheating, what about “everything but?” What about kissing? Holding hands?

The truth is that if you wait until your partner’s emotional ties have frayed to the point that they search elsewhere for physical connection, you’ve waited far too long.

Reality is that sometimes things just aren’t working for one person in a relationship, but they are for the other. Sometimes they’re not working for either party, but neither says anything for fear of hurting the other. When you step back and look at the big picture, you can see that.

NOT telling someone that you want out, or that you need things to change, is what hurts them, as well as you and your relationship.

This is true for any kind of relationship, not just romantic. When you hide or subvert your true feelings, you start living a lie. And what always happens is that eventually when the other person finds out, they’re more upset that you let them live under false pretenses than they are about the issue that started it all. It makes you untrustworthy and a total ass. It’s arrogant behavior – you might feel that you just don’t want to hurt them, but what you’re really saying is that you know what’s best for them better than they do. And that is never true (leaving mental illness or addiction out of the equation).

Another problem with not telling the truth about how you feel is that you might be keeping yourself from an even more rewarding relationship than you already have. What if you were feeling like things are good, but you’d like to not feel guilty having a drink with another woman? What if you let those feelings fester and started feeling closed in by your relationship, or stifled, and then you start blaming your mate for making you feel that way? If you haven’t let her know how you feel, then blaming her for your feelings is absurd. You can’t know how she’ll feel about it unless you talk about it. Perhaps she’d like to have a drink with someone other than you as well. Perhaps you’ll find that just the feeling of knowing that you’re free to do so will change those feelings entirely and you both decide that being together is best.

Perhaps you find that you’d rather be with someone else, in which case it’s still best for both of you to know that and be free to make other, better choices. Many times just opening up a conversation about your relationship is enough to clear the air and your mind.

When you’re lying in bed, or having a lovely afternoon together, or any other time when there’s no pressure and no anger between you, ask her if she’s happy. Ask her if she’s getting what she wants and needs from your relationship. Tell her what makes you happy about the two of you together, and share some examples of moments that serve as good examples of what makes you particularly happy and what you particularly value in her companionship. Get her to share her happiness with you as well. Enjoy these shared moments together and laugh and remember and re-live the good feelings. Then ask her if there was one thing she might like to change that would increase her happiness, what would that be? If you simply ask, “What would you like to change?”  She has a higher potential of not saying anything, as the question is so broad it might make her feel like as ass to say anything, especially since you just shared such a great moment. If you ask her for just one thing, it lets her off the hook for feeling like a bitch, as it’s only one thing and you asked her to tell you, which means you care. It might lead to more than one thing, and that’s fine – the big picture is for you two to communicate and keep your relationship working well. If it’s one thing or ten things, it’s all good, because she’s sharing her truth with you and you with her. Once you can be completely honest together, you can begin to truly see where the other is coming from and how to come together to make your relationship work for both of you.

For some there’s a fine line between checking for problems in the relationship and smothering the other person, wondering constantly if everything is okay. For others, there is a challenge to just identifying their own emotions in general, not to mention learning how to identify them in others and recognize when things are awry. Pay attention when things are going great, and watch how she reacts and how it makes you feel.

Her body language and facial expressions will tell you more than any words she’ll ever use. Get used to reading her happiness, and that will help you clue in when she’s not. Dwell on the happiness, both hers and yours, and you will learn how to maintain it. Address uncertainty and unhappiness immediately and you will keep it from growing.

Cheating begins when communication stops. A lack of communication can have many symptoms, such as feeling neglected, wanting more excitement, craving romance or withdrawing from each other. So many times when a relationship is over, it can be easy to look back and say “Ah, if only I had blah blah blah, or if she had just yada yada yada.” Hindsight is 20-20. However, foresight can be 20-20 as well. If you have the foresight to be proactive in your relationship, and the self-assurance to not let things go that should be addressed, then you have a higher chance of not having to look back in the first place.

#nerdsunite

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

#NerdsUnite: My name is Alicia and I'm doing 50 dates in 50 states (Oklahoma)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Alicia. She's about to embark on a 50 dates in 50 states dating documentary. She's here today to talk about her views on life, love, and all things through her nerdy little eyes. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT ALICIA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Alicia Ostarello

In the right venue, even a date with whom you know you’re not going to have a second date, let alone marry, can be rad. A venue like that comes around once a year to a city near most everyone in the country: the state fair.

Oklahoma does the fair right, though when my date, Derek, told me to meet him by the giant lumberjack, I wasn’t so sure as I am now. While standing on the boot of a very large statue (the second tribute to Paul Bunyan we’ve seen on this trip, now that I type about it), Derek came over to greet me, and into the fair we went.

A nice guy, Derek was a hipster stuck in a southern town. He raised chickens, had his own home, and I believe was working on brewing his own beer. Why he hadn’t headed for the hipster haven of the Pacific Northwest was beyond me. Regardless, he was congenial, nice, and not a challenge to chat with.

One Skyway ride, one Linkin Park-laden spinny ride, two fried pickles, three fried Oreos, one giant fried garlic mashed potato and one six-point beer were followed by the petting of a fawn who nibbled my skirt, some baby goats and a depressed-looking wallaby; soon after, Derek and I decided to say goodbye. He was a nice guy for all intents and purposes, and though we interacted well with one another, it was clear we made fabulous friends and nothing more (he even said so himself).

Date venue? Not bad. Not bad at all. We high-fived and agreed it was probably one of the best times either of us have ever had at the fair. Derek did drunk text me a few nights after the date to tell me about the bon fire he’d built in his back yard, along with photographs. Never sure what to do in those situations, I responded with “ha” and haven’t heard from him since. 

#nerdsunite

Alicia Ostarello has combined her talents in talking to strangers with degrees in English and Sociology and is currently taking a road trip across the country with one goal in mind: to go on a first date in every single state. Follow her trip and the documentary film being produced about it, 50/50: A Dating Documentary on Facebook at facebook.com/5050ADatingDocumentary.

#NerdsUnite: The secret life of a veterinary technician (Reflection Part 1)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Lindsay. She and I met ... well, somewhere in the social space. I think we might have started talking through this site directly, then through facebook - maybe ... I'm not sure. But she's awesome. I talk to her on twitter almost every day, and she's really rad and TOTALLY a big huge animal lover. Like crazy huge!! In these series of posts she will be talking about her life and random adventures with sometimes more than two legged creatures. I guess there's only one more thing left to say ... HIT IT LINDSAY!!</editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @TheCraftafarian

Last week Jen was down in St. Pete visiting with family and she invited me to come out to a local bar for a mini meet up. David and I drove down from Orlando area after I got off work. It was awesome finally meeting and getting to chat. Jen, myself, my boyfriend David, a reader Tom, and Anwar (he was working there) got to meet. She asked me a few questions about my career as a vet tech and it inspired me to reflect on some of the things I’ve experienced so far in veterinary medicine.

Please know that my situation isn’t typical. I’m 27 years old (my birthday is in July) and I have been working in veterinary medicine for almost 14 years. I started volunteering at my family pet’s veterinary clinic when I was about 12 years old. My family told me that I always wanted to be a vet since I knew what one was. My mom wanted me to get some experience so I would have an advantage over other students so she asked if I could volunteer. I was always mature for my age so at 12 they let me walk the dogs in the kennel and even watch surgery. I volunteered every summer after that.

1999--2003

I remember when I was 14 and got the call from Doc (Dr. S)—she asked me if I would like to have a job! I was ecstatic. I had already been working for a year on the weekends with the company that offered clowns, face painting, balloons, pony, and horse rides. For an animal lover I was in heaven. I also loved being able to be out of the house weekday and weekends as it was a more legitimate reason than hanging out with friends or boyfriends. I worked a few hours every afternoon after school and in the summer I worked more. When I was old enough to work full time I did.  I worked there until the summer after I graduated from high school.  I started in the kennel, began assisting in surgery, and then began educating clients about pet care, vaccinations, preventatives. I learned to draw blood, place catheters, clean teeth, take radiographs and so much more. I learned a strong sense of medical ethics and standards—Dr. S was an amazing and passionate vet who clearly loved her profession. I learned that we are in this for the animals and people who love them. I experienced life and death, shared happiness and sadness with clients. I loved spending time at the little clinic. The vet had several dogs that I got to take care of as if there were my own. One dog named Bob was my favorite—when I was 17 my parents went to NJ to visit family and I stayed home because I needed to work, Bob came and stayed with me for the week so I had some protection. He slept on my bed with me and I was sad when I had to return him but I would see him at work everyday. The year I left for college Bob was sick and even though I no longer worked there Dr. S called me. He ended up having stomach cancer and treatment would have only prolonged the inevitable and would have been tough for him. Dr. S decided it was kindest to euthanize him and asked if I would like to be there. I drove out to her home and hugged him and kissed  his nose. He was one of the best dogs I’ve ever known. He had been there with me through break ups, issues at home, happy times, and it I could have taken him with me to college I would have. I held his paw as we cried and gave him the injection. He fell asleep and just didn’t wake up. I had a mixed CD in the car that afternoon and now anytime I hear Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional or the theme song from Donnie Darko I relive those feelings to a minor degree. Even now there’s a knot in my throat and I’m beginning to feel sad.

2003--2005

When I moved to UCF area for college I thought I would just get a job at a restaurant but I hated the food industry and missed working with animals. I searched for a job at a vet clinic but at only 18 no one wanted to hire me. I had almost 5 years of experience but no one would give me a chance because I looked so young. I finally was offered a position bathing dogs at a vet clinic. I ended up taking a big pay cut but I wanted to work with animals.  I should have known from the beginning that this wasn’t a good environment but it was the only place in town that would give me a chance. Within weeks of starting I became head technician as the entire staff quit. The doctor had a horrible bedside manner with clients and didn’t really appear to like animals. He constantly made odd demeaning or vaguely (sometimes not so vaguely) sexual comments to the staff. I was young and determined to make a name for myself in veterinary medicine. I considered it a speed bump in my journey—I knew I wouldn’t be there long. The only saving grace were the few good people that filtered through the clinic for employment and one beautiful but neglected bird. Raspy or Rasputin was a beautiful, sweet, and free spirited Catalina macaw. He was owned by Dr. D but he began  living at the clinic shortly after I started working there. No one liked him. He was loud and aggressive. I was determined that he just needed some love. Seriously that’s all he wanted. I started with a leather glove so in case he did decide to attack me but soon I was able to hold him on my arm without concern and eventually he would sit on shoulder and nuzzle my cheek. I feel such regret to this day that he is still there, but what could I do? He wasn’t mine, I couldn’t very well steal him (as much as I wanted to). He was Dr. D’s only pet (which is so freaking weird) and only became so because his previous owner couldn’t pay the bill and decided to abandon Raspy. I miss him to this day. I have a feather of his that I always kept. He probably wouldn’t know me now, but if there was a way to adopt him I would. 

 

I was only there for about a year and a half but it was long enough. The hospital had such a high turn over rate and the staff that was there when I started warned me. I should have quit after I lost my first patient. I was doing a dental cleaning on a sweet golden retriever whose owner would tip us every time she had a bath and every major holiday she would give us each a gift card to borders. Her name was Sunny. I noticed that her she stopped breathing and her color wasn’t good. I called the doctor and other staff. He didn’t give us any instructions. Thankfully the other tech who had returned (she was there when I first started) to work knew CPR from her assistant classes and told me what to do. We didn’t have an airway because at this particular clinic they did not intubate (my previous clinic we always intubated!)—the only thing Dr. D tried to do was intubate Sunny. When he was unable he just stood there watching us. L gave Sunny chest compressions while I gave her breaths. (Knowing what I know now—Dr. D did not tell us to give her any epinephrine or atropine or anything! I don’t know why.) Sunny’s color began to turn pink—we were getting her back--but suddenly I guess Dr. D had decided that we tried long enough when he heard the front door chime. He told L she needed to go up front and take care of the customers. He told us we needed to stop CPR. That dog should not have died. When I was sure she was gone I went up front and sobbed in L’s arms. I came to that hospital with higher medical and ethical standards than the owner—in 5 years I never lost a patient, but it wasn’t the fact that we lost a life. What bothered me most was that it he didn’t seem to care. What I experienced was awful but what I heard after I left was even worse. If you ever questioned Dr. D he would always counter that we didn’t go to vet school so what did we know. Real mature.

 

Ha. I stayed there too long.

Next up is my second short hiatus from veterinary medicine. I left the profession three times for just a few weeks or months at a time and kept trying other things but nothing was as satisfying. At this point we are about 6 years into my career—I’m about 20 years old here. 

#nerdsunite

<3 Lindsay 
twitter: @thecraftafarian
blog: craftafarian.blogspot.com
email: craftafarian at gmail d c

#Randombling: That Nerdy Chick (are we there yet?)

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Shake it out - Florence and the Machine

Side note: GUESS WHO PAID OFF THEIR PARKING TICKETS!!!!! All of 'em!! 

I was able to get some of the fees and shiznat down. Amazing what strong negotiation skills can get you in life! 

Anywho, hi friends!!! 

This week has been rather loverly. Not only did the dating detox officially end, BUT I have been sitting in production meetings all week. 

I signed on with this rad manager back at the end of last year, and he wants to take a lot of the business models I've created, and storytelling within social media and expand it. (The shows won't necessarily include me, but will include this lifestyle and my business and brand in general.) It's pretty cool, but requires meeting after meeting (averaging 3-4 a day) saying the same thing over, and over, and over. It's conversational, and less of a "pitch" but dude, I'm SO SICK of hearing myself speak at this point!!! 

It's also TERRIBLY emotional going to these places that I write about but rarely speak on. 

It's not easy admitting to a room full of producers that you had a nervous breakdown at 22, are still dealing with issues of acceptance, and while I am killing it in business right now I am STILL single after hundreds and hundreds of dates in the last few years. 

Dudes, I even dated one of the producers at the production company. Hilarious story, it was 8 years ago and at the time he was an assistant at some agency. I only remember him because I barely dated at the time. I doubt he recalls me, but who knows. 

I don't know what I am doing anymore. I thought this detox was going to be my answer, and all it did was leave me with more questions. I know that every time you "seek" something, you will never find but doing things like this normally sparks some sort of SOMETHING in my noggin that will lead me down the next path. 

A bunch of the producers have been asking, so this is all for real? 

YES!!!! I say super passionately. NONE of this has been for "content" and NONE of this has been just for the stories. I am GENUINELY trying to find someone and GENUINELY trying to better myself in the process. The documentation keeps me on my toes and allows the internet to call me out if I'm spewing any bullshit. 

I'm not even picky, I said to a writer over lunch yesterday. All I want is a guy that is passionate about what he does, loves his life, and is smart. 

He stared back at me with this death gaze. 

You really believe that, he said. Interesting. 

Of course, I believe it, I thought. 

Judging by my current state though I processed if I should scrap the drawing board all together. 

You're a lot sweeter than I expected, he said. 

What does that even mean, I thought? 

FUUCCKKKKKK!!! 

It hasn't been easy putting so much of my life online for the last 3 years, but I have to say it is even worse to verbally articulate it to people you've only met a few minutes beforehand. I have NO problem talking about it with you guys because there is a relatable level in the dynamic; this however, is a neutral party sniffing out a story and trying to understand who you are. It makes you feel like you're in a pea-tree dish just chillin. 

It is extremely strange, exhausting, AND I still have all of the work that I normally have to do anyway compressed into just a few hours.

I know, I know, world's tiniest violin. 

Dating was always an escape for me, and now I'm too bored and uninspired to even go out on a single date. 

What does all of that mean? 

Fuck, what am I doing, and are we there yet? 

#thatisall

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#NerdsUnite: The Creativity Tactic to spice up your sex life

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fabio. Yes. Real name. We're friends in the digispace and he owns and blogs at the fantastically awesome site LetsTalkSex.net. He's here today to share one of his latest and greatest tips on sex, and I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FABIO!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fabio Black

So, I’m sure you’re now an expert on the diversion tactic to spice up your sex life, but how did you go with the exploration tactic? Got lost between the round silky hills?

I know how you feel.

The old sage once said:

“Will power is the ability to look a naked woman in the eyes”.

Now, let’s do a little personality test:

If exposed to a heavy, dusty, 2,900 page Chinese grammar book, what is the first thing you would think?

A) Oh yeah, man! Finally something exciting in my life! Let me study it!

B) Oh nooo, Chinese grammar is so boring, almost like having sex with my partner!

C) Chinese?? Why not Korean? At least then I could have translated Gangnam Style!

Whether you chose A, B or C you urgently need to read this post. Actually I suggest you print it, cut it in little pieces, put it in your tea and drink it all in once! (Maybe with a squeeze of lemon :))

We want to spice up your sex life, and tonight we’re going to use the creativity tactic. Creativity can make things very exciting if properly used, so get ready to discover 4 sexy, cheeky games you can enjoy with your partner; the warm alphabet, the sweet honey, the crazy candle and the hidden chocolate.

After you read the instructions for each game below, write them on 4 little pieces of paper (by hand - no computer and no printing, alright?), fold them and place each underneath a candle. Try to choose 4 different candles in different colors and shapes… I know what you are thinking: “Come on, man, do I really need to do all of this??”

This is my answer: no, you don’t need to. You can just dunk your spoon in the milk like anyone can, or break up with your partner, find someone else, wait for your new exciting sex life to become boring again and come back to this website, read this post once more and go for the candles this time… I don’t know, if I were you, I would give it a try tonight.

And by the way, if real candles are too expensive for you, just draw candles on a piece of paper, she’ll smile 100% guaranteed.

Now. Take her into a room of your choice with a comfortable surface for lying down. Switch off the lights, and light up the candles (that at this stage should already be on the table or floor with the instructions underneath them). Play some soft music, ideally from a smooth female singer and explain the rules to her: each of you has to choose a candle, of course she starts, and follow the instructions underneath them.

The Warm Alphabet:

Have your partner take off their underwear and lay down. Then unfold your tongue from your mouth and draw the alphabet on your partner’s jewelry. ;) Do it very slowly and let the jeweler choose the letters.

The Hidden Chocolate:

Blindfold your partner and turn them around (just to be sure they can’t see you), hide a little piece of chocolate somewhere on your body. Then, have them finding it – with their tongue. Hands are strictly not allowed.

The Sweet Honey:

Undress your partner and lay them on their side, naked. Squeeze some honey on their body, starting from the ankle and going up to their tights and hips and underarms and neck. Then slowly lick it away. Mmmm.

The Crazy Candle:

Grab the candle that was covering this piece of paper and put it next to your partner. Have them lay down and open their legs. Then, mirroring the movement and rhythm of the candle, lick your partner’s piece of cake until you drive them crazy.

Right!

All of these games are about oral sex, so tell her to warm up her tongue before starting out,maybe give her something warm to drink.  ;)

Since you know what there is underneath each candle let her choose first. If you have troubles arriving to the end of the game because you’re too horny, just calm down (cue oriental music) and meditate on what the old sage said: “Will power is the ability…” repeat this in your mind over and over again, :) like a mantra. This should give you the inner strength you need to get to the end.

But if it doesn’t work... free the beast inside you!

#thatisall

Fabio Black writes about sex, sex and sex. But not necessarily in that order. Read more about him here.