Stuck-up Women #HATE Faux-Hawks!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Um, yeah.  Just finished up dinner with some friends, and this bitchy lady just glared at us (meaning me) the entire time!  What the frick?  And it wasn't just like a dirty look because I offended her (which I totally did when I asked my daughter if she was being an asshole), but like over and over looks.  Like staring the ENTIRE time.  Luckily my back was to her, but I was still unimpressed.

Dear Cougar-wannabe:

Yes, I choose to style my hair in a fauxhawk.  I also treat my children like normal people, and I talk to them the same way I do my friends.  Yes, I have three kids.  And yes, I let them be silly from time to time.  I could see how them giggling and trying to make their baby sister laugh could be offensive.  I can also understand that my choice in clothing (a flannel blouse and capri pants) could also be offputting.  About the hawk, I'm sorry it is clean, smells nice and is styled well.  As for my gorgeous husband and friends, you will have to take up your complaints with them.  Also, I'm sorry that your hair looks like dried out corn silk, and unfortunately for you, the BumpIt isn't hiding anything.  And just a tip, black eye makeup is no longer trendy, and just looks sad on a woman in their fifties.  Something you might consider - pay as much attention to your husband as you do to me and my family, and maybe he won't feel the need to check out my ass as I leave. 

#KThxBye

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#NaughtyMommy Happenings - Poop

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Oh my flippin mcflipster god.  I just got poop on my finger!  No no no and no, not okay.  Basically, poop is my life.  I have 3 kids, 3 dogs and 3 cats.  They all poop frickin all the time, even though I have kindly requested that they stop.  That being said, I do not have the gag reflexes of a mom.  I have the gag reflexes of a high school girl dissecting a mouse.  Which is funny since I can dissect a mouse without gloves on.  Ugh, kids are gross.

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Love me some #WhiteElephantGifts

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am so not in the Christmas mood yet, which is pretty lametarded since it is like tomorrow.  Almost.  I don't have a tree, decorations, or any presents.  I have a vague idea of what I'm making...but no execution.  Whatever, it's been like 50 degrees here every day, how can I even get into it?

What I do always love about Christmas is white elephant gifts!  Love them!  Only if they are done correctly, though.  I hate it when people don't get it.  White elephant gifts should be anonymous, and totally silly.  They can be useful as long as they are random and unexpected.  They should be something that people will want, but not because you spent $30 on it.  This year I have done 2 white elephant exchanges.  The first one everyone pretty much got that it needed to be silly, the second...not so much.

For the first I took a giant fake hairy spider with a braided ribbon leash attached.  And by giant I mean about the size of a kitchen sink.  For the second exchange at Brian's company Christmas party (for the job he's worked at for a month), I did some GREAT gifts.  The first was a Brian Swedhin Fan Club Starter Kit.  It included a signed framed photo of him, the shirt he was wearing in that photo, and a list of Brian Swedhin fun facts.  The second was an old spice rack that had a bunch of empty jars.  I filled them with a ton of random stuff and re-labeled them.  Things like angel tears (rose petal pieces), be nice device (straight pins), elf dust (green glitter), Christmas cheer (holiday sprinkles), Barney paste (purple frosting), fart flakes (sliced almonds), mouse toes (rice), cocaine (powdered sugar), and karma (cut up birthday candles).  There were a ton of them, and I loved it! 

The only problem is we got there and everyone brought like nice stuff.  Like legitimately nice stuff.  I got a gorgeous elephant trinket box (which I totally collect by the way), and B got a garlic baker.  One person even got a live hamster in a cage.  What the frick?  So of course I was totally embarrassed by my funky useless crappy gift.  But in any other setting it would have been frickin hilarious!  Feel free to steal my idea and have some better luck with it!

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#NaughtyMommy Happenings - I don't buy my kids presents

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I totally don't buy my kids presents.  They are little, my oldest is 3 1/2, so they really don't care.  They don't know who presents are from, and they don't understand the concept yet.  They know you get gifts on Christmas and your birthday, and they know to say thank you.  The end.  I don't see the point in spending money on gifts when they will be getting a bunch of stuff from other people.  Gifts are gifts when you're a little kid.  I might do stockings so they get something from Santa, but presents are a no go this year.  In fact, I'm not buying presents for most people, I'm making them.  Way better!

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Expectations are like #Assholes.....

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I've been bombarded by all of these expectations in my life, and quite a fair amount lately (and by fair I mean way too many).  Even though I don't generally care what people think of me, and consider my opinion the most important in my life, expectations have always been a tough one for me.  Maybe it's because I had an abusive dad that had these crazy high standards, but at the same time told me I would never amount to anything.  Literally, when I was 14 he told me that having an intership was stupid, that I would never go to college, and I would most likely end up a pregnant drop out.  Seriously.  And it was so unfounded - even though I was a wild child, I was a great student, active in school, and incredibly driven.  That was so obviously not the path I was on, like ever.  So expectations have always been something I have tried to live up to, since disappointment tends to be my kryptonite.

Anywhoozle, I stopped trying to live up to people's expectations years ago, but it still hurts my inards to know that someone somewhere considers me to be not enough.  It's terrible, because I am enough.  I don't need anyone's validation or approval, so what the hell?  I am mostly tired of the negative expectations because of the way I look or my day to day life.  Here are a few:

The expectation to be a good housekeeper because I'm a "stay-at-home-mom".  Um, no.  If you want my house to be clean, you can try keeping it picked up with 3 cats, 3 dogs, 3 kids and a husband.  Good luck.

The expectation to be a bad mom because I have a faux hawk.  And a lip ring.  People are constantly acting shocked when I talk to my kids with respect, and when they behave themselves in public.  Believe it or not, alternative people, which I don't even consider myself, are generally the best parents because they aren't trying to keep up with people, they are honestly just living.

The expectation to take a picture of everything because I am a photographer.  I do it as a living, and as art.  I don't just take pictures of dumbass stuff, like a weird piece of gum stuck to the road.  Thanks, though.

The expectation to blog about everything.  Just because I lifecast doesn't mean I am going to talk about your secrets.  If you do something crazy, it might get mentioned.  But I am lifecasting, not friendlifecasting.  I'm not going to secretly video anyone and post it.  This is about my life and experiences, and those just don't include selling people out or talking about every.single.thing. that I see in a day. 

I am liberating myself of these expectations and the judgements that come along with it.  There are several things you can expect from me.  You can expect me to always do my best, be giving to my friends and family, have a sense of humor, and love with 100% of my soul. 

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