Toys = #Owned

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Although we all live pretty simply, somehow my kids still end up with butt loads of toys.  Nothing like normal kids, but still way more than necessary. And they get everywhere.  Toys normally come in sets now, so each "toy" has like 15 or more parts, too.  Yikes.  This time of year is particularly hard since they get a ton of new stuff, and we barely have room for the old stuff.  So today I decided to go through it all again, which I end up doing every few months.  I started by pulling out every single toy I could find (this totally does not include their 8 million books or stuffed animals), then I reorganized everything, and made a huge bag to donate to a friend that teaches kindergarten.  Looks way way wayyyyy better, right?

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#NowPlaying: Gives You Hell

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I had a long chat last night with the super inebriated @Seven16, and it really got me thinking about my own relationship with my dad these days.  Or lack thereof.  I have none, and that is mostly his choice, but it is what it is.  It's not nice and it doens't make me feel good, but I'm dealing with it.

He was never supportive of me, and often told me that I would never amount to anything.  He thought every choice I made was dumb because I made it without his consultation first, and was embarrassed that I was an academic instead of an athlete.  It didn't matter that I was actually quite smart and very well kind and sincere, even as a high schooler, all that mattered was that I did what he said. 

So now that I'm all grown up and junk, I like to reflect on the fact that I did it without him.  I am strong, happy and successful.  I have made tons of great life choices, and have succeeded on my own.  I am a college graduate, a respected professional in my industry, and a contributor to this bad-ass website!  I did it all without any of his support - financial or emotional.  I know the fact that I don't need his advice or help is the reason we can't have a relationship.  He just doesn't know how to have an adult relationship without being the "parent".  This song mostly sums it up perfectly.  And I know it has to give him hell. 

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#NaughtyMommy Happenings - Sad Face

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I'm trying a new punishment system with my kids, and they are not fans.  The thing is, they always break my stuff.  Or color on it.  Or pull it apart.  Or use it however they want.  Or hide it.  And it makes me crazy mad!  They never do that to Brian (okay, they do a little, but not nearly as often).  And I'm with them ALL.THE.TIME so it makes it way more severe, I'm sure of it.  Anyways, I decided that when they take something of mine without asking, I take something of theirs.  This really only works on Anika, the 3-year-old, but it really really works!  I take her favorite stuffed animal, and put it in my room.  And when she cuts something of mine, I cut a piece of her princess dress (dress-up = favorite thing ever).  And today when she pulled the backing off of every single pack of my post-it notes (you know, the brown paper thing that covers the back sticky so it doesn't get all nasty), I asked her to go find something of hers that I could break.  The post it thing may not seem like a big deal, but 1) it is way effing annoying, and 2) she really has to learn boundaries with possessions.  Anyways, she brought me one of her ladybug dress-up skirts, and I tore it a little.  I always do it severely enough to show how it feels, but not so much that it ruins anything.  I was impressed that she chose something that she actually loves, last time she brought me a piece of paper to "break".  She was sad but didn't cry, and was pretty relieved when we told her it didn't have to be thrown away.  I really think this new method will work, but it sure isn't easy.

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#TipsForDudes: The Bermuda Triangle of Dating

 #TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Okay, this one is actually for chicks, too - really it's for anyone that is dating, whether it's serious or new.  Now that we are into the meat of December, we have entered what I like to call the Bermuda Triangle of Dating.  It is a tough time of year, especially for relationsips.  Here's the thing - once you have reached mid-December, you tend to be stuck in whatever relationship you are in.  If you aren't happy, it is now going to be really hard to get out of.  At this point you have probably already bought a gift for your datee, and even if you haven't there is a solid chance that they have gotten one for you.  Now that we're just a week away, it's hard to want to either spend the holidays alone, or back out on the prospect of that new watch you've had your eye on.  And who wants to be the asshole that breaks up with someone right before Christmas?

Then right around the corner is New Year's Eve.  This is a tricky one, too.  While it isn't a traditionally romantic holiday, it seems to be the one that everyone wants to be paired up for.  The new year is a time to start things out right, or at least be in someone's arm so you feel like you are heading in the right direction.  So you are stuck for another couple of weeks. 

That takes us just a month away from Valentine's Day.  You have a very small window of opportunity here - if you want out, early January is a good choice.  Wait too long, and you are the douchenozzle that breaks a heart right before the big love day.  Valentine's day is a tough one anyways, and everyone loses their damn minds about it.  If you want to psychologically damage someone, especially a bleeding heart, break up with them in this time frame.  Yikes.

So with Christmas just a week away, now is the time to decide if you want out, or if you want to wait until late February to move on.  This isn't just an emotional commitment, this is a financial issue as well.  I personally think that if you aren't happy you should get out whenever you need to.  I don't care if it's Christmas morning with everyone in their footie pajamas.  Cut it off, do it nicely, and save them from wondering if you stayed because of the season.  You only live once, and you have to own it.  There just isn't time for silliness.  I just wanted to warn you that it gets complicated.  So be careful.

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#Christmas isn't easy when your dad doesn't love you...

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I tend to segment my life into three sections: Nebraska, Hard Times, and Adulthood.  I lived in Nebraska with the family unit until I was 10.  Life was great then - Mom and Dad were still married, and seemed relatively happy.  My sister and I fought like crazy, but nothing outside the range of normal sisters.  I had friends, and life was good for me.  

Then we moved to Colorado.  It was riThis is my nephew, Gunnar - mostly sums up my brain right now.ght at the beginning of middle school, so that sucked but I make friends easily.  Not long after we moved here, like six months, my parents told us they were getting a divorce.  Lame sauce, but not the end of the world.  It was an ugly divorce, and it ended in split custody, basically fifty-fifty, just staggered poorly.  Things were great for a while, then my dad got...weird.

See, my dad is a weird dude.  He thinks that the world revolves around him (he’s totally an only child), and that he can get away with just about whatever he wants.  He is also an angry man.  When I was 11 he started talking to me about crazy things.  One day we were driving around, and he started telling me that marrying my mom was the worst mistake of his life, and how it totally ruined everything.  I didn’t say much - you don’t argue with my dad, his word is the end all and be all.  He also dropped the bomb that him and my mom only got married because they were pregnant with me.

WHAT?!?!  I was 11!  I don’t think that is something I ever would have calculated, there was no reason ever ever ever to tell me something like that.  Of course I took that to say that I ruined his life.  How else could I take it?  He told me so many other crazy things over the next few years that I just assumed that all dads were terrible people, like how he bought a tire bomb to put under my mom’s car.  Or how awesome his new girlfriend was because she was short - meaning she wouldn’t have to get on her knees to give him head (totally said that to me when I was 14).

What sticks with me, though, is the abuse he liked to inflict.  It wasn’t so much physical, although at times it could certainly qualify as that.  It was the verbal and emotional that left the scars.  And totally fucked me up for a long time.  I wasn’t allowed to have friends or boyfriends.  I had to keep everything perfect - chores before homework, always.  I made every meal, and took care of my sister.  I wasn’t allowed to fix my hair or look nice because I would be accused of trying to pick up on guys.  I was 12.  I got grounded if I didn’t like something he bought me, like the super sweet pair of purple Rockies jeans.  See photo.  Not my style then or ever.  Ugh.

I guess where this is all coming from is Christmas.  I’m not really into it this year, for the first time in years and years.  And I think that’s a healthy thing for me.  Christmas was never really a big deal at his house.  We would get bullshit gifts, like shampoo, socks and cans of food.  Like normal needed to survive stuff.  It was just another day, not a big deal at all, really.  So I have spent the last 10 years trying to make Christmas into a supersized extravaganza for everyone.  I always spend too much, over extend myself, make a million things, and try to get everyone into the spirit.  This year I haven’t done anything.  No decorations, no presents bought, and barely anything planned to be made.  I have some ideas, but no real time or motivation to do it.  And while part of me feels bummed to be that guy, part of me feels really good that I can let go of the things I was missing, and just enjoy the things I now have.  I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my dad just sucks and doesn’t want to be a part of my life.  I don’t know that I will ever be able to fully accept it, but I am getting there.  And not getting jazzed about Christmas is a step in the right direction.  I’m still feeling way raw, but someday I will be able to celebrate the holidays without baggage.  I hope.

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