Life of a #lifecaster - shaking things up. Again.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

No relevance - I just thought it was pretty.Being called out earlier in the week was sucky.  It embarrassed me, and hurt my feelings.  I did, and still do, feel like I was doing a great job with my posts.  They are diverse and incredibly honest, and I am holding nothing back.  I don’t get raw to the point of tears with every post, but not every post requires something like that.  When I am sharing something meaningful and emotional, I explore my emotions, and share them fully.

I am glad that @JenFriel called me out.  If she hadn’t asked me to look at my fears, I wouldn’t have realized that all of my insecurities come from one place.  Acknowledging that place has made me aware that I am good enough, and while it will continue to be a struggle, I am able to address why I am feeling insecure and whatnot.

But here’s the thing, Jen...I’m going to turn it back on you.  Your favorite thing to point out to people is that life is reflective.  You felt like I was in a rut, and needed to shake myself out of it.  What do you see in you that is making you feel that way?  No one can be all awesomesauce and yaylife all the time.  It is obvious that you love what you do and are living a dream, but there is something you aren’t sharing.  We are missing something.  Break the surface, break yourself back down, and let us back in.  You still have insecurities in there somewhere, you still have real feelings other than excitement.  I want to hear them!

#justsayin

Fear #2: Not Being Accepted

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Even though I have discovered the basis of my fears, I think exploring the manifestations of my insecurities will be a helpful thing to do.  It is going to be a crappy thing to do, but I’m gonna do it.  

I know that fearing not being accepted comes from not feeling good enough.  My need for acceptance isn’t something that I have ever shared before - I have always put out up a front of not caring, not needing anyone’s acceptance...but it’s true...I crave acceptance.  I try hard to get it, I am a closet people pleaser.  

It’s really only people that I respect or admire that I want that acceptance from.  Smart people, funny people, cool people...I hate being judged, and if I’m not accepted I’m obviously being judged for some reason.  I don’t bend or conform, so I just want to be accepted for who I am.  Totally unfounded, by the way.  I have been accepted most of my life.  People like me, and I have something to offer.  But it’s not enough, I’m needy as hell apparently.  I want to be everyone’s favorite, too.  I love to be loved, and love to be appreciated, and I want to be special.  

What the hell?  People don’t have time for crap like that.  I am so very aware that the only lives I am important to live with me.  I’m not needy, so this is stupid.  

I am just going to say I don’t care if I am accepted into the TNTML community.  I want to connect with people, but I don’t need anyone’s acceptance.  I don’t care if I am accepted into the TNTML family.  You are all amazing people, and I am honored to be on the same level as you, but you don’t have to accept me.  I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.  So failing to accept that is your problem.  

What’s that you’re smelling?  Is that what the Rock is cooking?  No, that’s the stench of a murdered fear.  

#IAmEnough

#BabySteps - My 9 Fears

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

After Jen told me she thought I was in a rut, it really took me down.  Like immediately.  I felt like I was doing good, I have been sharing and getting raw (seriously, the cheating post took so much out of me that I was hurting for days after writing it).  I don't get incredibly raw with every single thing I post, because not everything I post calls for that.  I thought I was doing good, and finding out that I'm not hitting the mark just cut me. 

Jen asked me to look into my fears, so I did.  I consider myself a pretty fearless person (oh my god, I am totally scared of alligators, but what can you do about that? I would totally touch one if I had the chance, but I don't want to think about that right now).  I will do just about anything, eat anything, say anything...I go for it.  I honestly do.  I can't remember a time when an opportunity was presented that I didn't take because of a fear.  Actually I can - in Ecuador in 2004 our entire group got the chance to swing on a vine in the rainforest.  Actual thick amazing vine hanging from a tree.  But I passed.  I didn't think I would be strong enough, and I didn't want to accidentally let go and fall in front of everyone.  Totally totally regret it to this day.  Things make me uncomfortable, but I like the growth of facing it.  But I have some emotional fears....and once I started listing them, I knew I found the right one when acknowledging them broke me down. 

This is a kind of discomfort that I have a hard time facing.  I had a shitty dad, and most of these stem from him.  I didn't get the chance to grow, and messing up or saying the wrong thing often held significant consequences.  I was belittled CONSTANTLY, and humiliation was just the way our day went.  When I had my first real boyfriend in high school, my dad made him go to dinner with us (he took us to Wendy's, thanks for going all out), and while we were standing in line with tons of people around us, he made sure to point out that I inherited a family trait - a mustache.  Devastating for a 14 year old girl in front of her 17 year old boyfriend.  Pretty typical, though.  So here are my nine fears.  I'll explore one every day.  I think more than that will wreck me for the month, and I still have to function.  Unlike today where I was useless - apparently being told you aren't living up to expectations while being on your period during a full moon is a recipe for disaster. 

#1 - failing

#2 - not being accepted

#3 - looking like a wimp

#4 - being judged

#5 - disappointing

#6 - Brian dying

#7 - losing a child

#8 - being a waste of a person

#9 - being poor forever

Before I get started, I want to point out that I know some of these things are silly to some people.  I understand that they don't define me and I should move on, or just disregard them.  It doesn't work that way, though.  Having these fears and feelings embarrasses me, and makes me feel like a puss, so just ignoring them and knowing they are unfounded isn't going to make things better.  Just a disclaimer.  Having said that, I could use some support through this journey...it isn't going to be easy.

Shoot me a tweet and let me know your thoughts: @JenSquard

I'm just feeling #lame.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am feeling so many emotions lately.  I am stressed about my upcoming wedding expo, but also excited at the prospect of gaining new clients.  It is scary because I might be sinking tons of money into this and only get one wedding booked, but business is risk, I suppose.

I have been feeling very not confident in my photography lately, which way bums me out.  I get good feedback, but it’s not so much that.  Actually, it’s really stupid, and I hate to say it, but it is what it is.  I started my business at the same time as another girl in town, and we became friends.  We helped each other a lot, learned together, and grew together.  We are at about the same point in our business, and we have the same skill sets.  Our work is pretty similar, quality is the same, comparable equipment....yet she has over 800 Facebook likes, and I have less than 400.  I know that doesn’t mean much, but actually it does.  Social media is everything now, and that is how I get the majority of my clients.  I just don’t get it...and it is really taking a toll on me.  And I’m embarrassed that I even feel that way, but I do so I might as well acknowledge it.

Another thing I feel lame about is the TNTML community.  I feel like a total outsider.  Maybe it’s because I’m newer, or maybe because I started lifecasting right as everyone had to stop contributing so much after the hack.  Or maybe I’m just being a tard, but whatever it is I feel not so accepted and for the first time in my life that actual matters to me.  

I know life is reflective and I shouldn’t need validation and whatnot...but it is what it is.  I am putting every single little piece of my soul into my business and lifecasting, so of course these things are hardcore painful.  It’s parts of my soul that just aren’t good enough.  It’s feels like me failing at being a person, not just at being a photographer.  And I’m totally not even failing...I just am not feeling good enough.  Not a feeling I am used to, and not a feeling I am okay with.  I’m just not sure how to look past it.

Feel free to share your thoughts: @JenSquard

The life of a #lifecaster ... keep on keepin on

I get a lot of emails, tweets, and general messages on unidentified platforms anytime I seem "off." It makes me smile, realizing that I am doing my job. My job as a lifecaster is to be able to tell a story across social media in real time, while putting all of the pieces together on this blessed little website enabling you to live vicariously through my eyes. That's it.

I don't ever judge things as being good or bad. Some days I have higher energy days than others ... usually pretty dependent upon the amount of Diet Dr. Pepper I've been chugging ... but other than that, it has nothing to do with you. I appreciate your support, but I say as humbly as possible that it defeats the purpose of the experiment. It's real life, in real time peppered with nothing but real and raw emotions. For me, it keeps me sane and creates accountability for the thoughts in my head ... but again, it has nothing to do with you. I appreciate you all reading, and if you can take something away from it - AWESOME! But I'd still be doing it anyway. There really is no "good" or "bad" day in my world; I am just grateful that there is a day to even associate with. Yay the sun for rising today! Good job, beyotch!

For as extroverted as I am, I am definitely equally introverted. I just do my own thing. I have no idea the psychological ramifications of that decision, but I dig it - so I'm just going to go with it. I like processing these thoughts in my brain free of others. I spent my entire life doing everything I was told, and appeasing others. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm over it. Again, its either the craziest thing I've ever done - or the sanest. I'm still conducting the social experiment, so I dunno. I can say though, its looking pretty good.

I just don't find people that often that I can relate to on an emotional level. It sucks actually, a lot. Dude, I'm just a weirdo Deniro that I can meet anyone, anywhere, and find like ground ... but when it comes to a solid connection, those are few and far between. People are attracted to your energy when you're doing your own thing - but it sucks because you have to weed through hundreds to find 1 that you click with.

I can be in a room filled with 100 people wanting to talk to you, but sometimes I just don't have anything to say back. It's an energy thing. You can feel when it resonates, and when it doesn't - I'm done. I just walk away. It's that whole no attachment thing, can rub a LOT of people the wrong way.

It's just part of the job that I signed up for. I make no excuses for it, but just try to explain how I am processing it all. Thanks again for the messages though - I do read them.

Got something to say?

Here's my Twitter: @JenFriel

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(just tweet me before you come by please)

Facebook my butt: Facebook.com/JenFriel

or get all old school and email me: jenfriel@talknerdytomelover.com

xoxo #nerdsunite