#NerdsUnite: Pursue with Courage (one nerd's journey through chemo & cancer)

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Serena. She was one of my only friends growing up as we were play buddies at the lake in NH and I found out via Facebook while I was en route to a conference that Serena has cancer. She is here today to talk about her side of things and the journey this disease is taking her on. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT SERENA!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Serena Neff

Happy new year everyone!

First and foremost: Santa has already made good on my request… I have a head of hair, new eyelashes and new brows growing in!  I look less like an alien (just less, right brothers?!); and also less “sick.”  My hair grows so slow, and I should know… I stare at it a lot in the bathroom mirror willing it to be long again.  I shall just have to see what Miss Anne Hathaway does to hers as she grows it out since she is a few inches ahead of me. So trendy, the styles to come!

I also found another famous twin with my hair style and glasses… Christoph Waltz from Django promoting his movie on Live with Kelly and Michael!

I got a new tattoo (my second real one… it’s a lot more common 1) “these days”, and 2) in Hawaii where everyone runs around half-naked and covered in colorful, usually meaningful, art work).  Mine is a key (to Sean’s heart… he has a locked up heart tattoo) with a whale tail (a Hawaiian humpback of course!) surrounded by a pink ribbon.  It’s on my wrist where I can cover it for work.  But if I don’t have to, I leave it out.  I’ve gone back to work on the boats and between the tattoo and the new hair, I have had some questions from some very curious women (so far it’s always been women, the observant sisterhood they tend to be).  I had someone outright ask, “What kind of cancer?” and later another woman said, “Ah, I saw your tattoo…” and I even got, “So, what’s the story behind your hair?”

All of these questions are just fine by me because isn’t this cancer something we can all relate to and should be talking about more?  I find a lot of women that ask have either had some kind of cancer themselves or have been a care-taker.  The woman that asked about my tattoo was on the boat for a photo safari with her thirteen year old son who had been battling leukemia–mainly via chemo–for 3 and 1/2 years.  He got the clean bill of health blessing and so his family brought him to Maui for his first real vacation since he’s been diagnosed.  I may meet thousands of people in my line of work (tourism) and everyone has a story.  It’s what we’re here for, this living thing!

I completed radiation in mid-December and have been dealing with the after-effects of that.  Basically, imagine the worst sunburn you’ve ever had, on the softer skin of, say, your armpit.  Now imagine sitting in the sun all day for five straight days after that without wearing sunscreen.  That’s kind of how it works, or at least you can imagine how skin looks and feels after that!  The actual radiation zaps are quick and invisible; much of the redness, irritation and itchiness comes later.  Mine was deemed red enough to warrant a prescription for burn cream.  I hug with my left arm only these days.  And it is healing and fading.

I mentioned earlier that I am back to work, I am.  I also juggle unemployment insurance and work, at least through the end of December.  I started back at the Ritz-Carlton Kapalua as a naturalist at the Ambassadors of the Environment Program (tomorrow is my first “big” day) and have been nannying some.  I hope to be back full time to work in January, spread between my multiple jobs; and remembering to take days off.  I do function best with my calendar in hand and staying busy.

Sean and I are starting to think about an official vacation in May or June or July.  I haven’t been “home” to Massachusetts and New Hampshire in three years and I’ve never been to Chicago (where he is from).  Ah, it sounds so nice.  Even though we live in paradise–Maui–we still need to take vacations!

Chemo continues on through August, once every three weeks for a light dose of “easy stuff.”  I also have in my possession the drug Tamoxifen.  A drug that I have yet to start since it will give me the lovely side effects of hot flashes, night sweats, and insomnia and can be most difficult for the first three months.  My goal is just that: make it through the first three months and then reassess.  Ultimately, I need to take it for five years (five years of hot flashes starting at age 29?  Tell me, ladies, is that fair?!  I would still not, then, be excused from hot flashes later in life; unfortunately, there’s no “quota” that I can finish early!).  Research shows that 2 years of this drug is great for cancer-free survival; 5 years is awesome; and ten years is no different survivorship-wise than five.  I’ll take five over ten any day!

I’m also, technically, “cured.”  I’m set free from the majority of treatment and on to monitoring and life.  I will get a blood test soon to make sure my body is bouncing back from chemo and radiation.  And more tests eventually to keep an eye on things, making sure those little cancer cells don’t pop up somewhere new.

Most importantly, Sean and I celebrated our engagement at a party thrown by our awesome friends, Ashleigh and Thomas and Gene and Leigh.  We had so many wonderful people come and share in delicious food, lots of wine and say such beautiful things.  It was an emotional time but probably one of those nights that will stand out for the rest of my life, not just because of the significance of the event but because after all I and we have been through, life still felt “normal,” and normal in the best sense that word can be used: life was moving onward and upward with hundreds of hands holding us and pushing us up.

#nerdsunite

click here to check out Serena's blog. Very powerful stuff.

#RealDeal: Let up on Manti Te'o, yo!

Obviously, all of social media and the mainstream media in general is buzzing right now about America's football sweetheart Manti Te'o's now fake internet girlfriend. 

The story, which was one of the most inspirational to come out of college football in quite some time, captured national attention as it was revealed in Sports Illustrated that in a span of just six hours that Manti had lost both his grandmother and his girlfriend. 

Yesterday, deadspin exposed, that the entire thing was a hoax. 

Memes then started to spread like wildfire ... 

Alrite, has everyone had a good laugh? 

Did you all get it out of your system? 

Good!!!!

Stories like this make for good shows, and entertaining tabloid TV but for the person that this happened to, it is EXTREMELY embarrassing. 

As you all know, I had my own "Catfish" story back in 2007 (read the initial post here, his response here, and the most recent update here). I remember hitting publish on the story back in 2010 when everything went down and I was VISIBLY shaking. There is so much shame around something like this. You can sit there objectively and say, how can someone be so stupid, or how could ANYONE believe a story like that? 

The fact of the matter is, these "catfishes" pull at the heartstrings of very naive people. It starts off COMPLETELY innocent, but they are very very very good at what they do and the manipulation they are able to execute. 

The people that fall for this genuinely do see the good in people, and because of life's reflective nature how could they even comprehend pulling off a sophisticated stunt like that? 

I am an extremely, extremely logical person and even I defended my own Catfish for a year with my friends. 

(Mine was pre the online dating boom, so even meeting someone from online in general was SUPER creepy.) 

I would lie over and over saying that oh yeah, we briefly met at this party but nothing happened. 

Did I believe even through all the "sketchy" stories and "failed" attempts to meet IRL he was real? 

No. 

I knew deep down he wasn't, but there was this big part of my ego that wanted to believe. I didn't want to believe I could be so stupid, and I didn't want to believe something like this could happen to me. 

It is an EXTREMELY shameful experience. I cannot stress that enough. 

Now, back to Manti, he's going to be laughing all the way to the bank. There is NO DOUBT that he was deceived and I SERIOUSLY doubt he was in on it in ANY regard (as again the shame associated with this would make you want to BURY this as much as possible, not make it public fodder). We are all talking about him right now, which will not only increase his chances of getting into the NFL but also give him a greater chance of securing endorsements. 

At the end of the day as well, it is highlighting a very serious issue in the online dating community, and I'm all for it. It's unfortunate that he is going to be the poster child for "catfishing" for some time, but please let's also remember the countless others that have also been deceived and may still be experiencing deep levels of shame. 

How did I get over my "catfish" experience? 

1) I wrote about it. It was one of the scariest and most liberating things I have ever done. If you're going through something similar, just write about it. Put it in a journal, start a tumblr, heck even email me and I'll post it JenFriel at Talknerdytomelover d c. Admitting that it happened is the first step. 

2) Get back out there. Right after my Catfish and I ended, I put myself right back in the bar scene, and even wound up dating someone a few months later. 

3) Do some soul searching and realize what part you played. Everything in life takes two to tango. There is no such thing as an "independent" experience since we are all so intertwined and all feeding off of each other's energy at every given moment. Ask yourself, what in me attracted this situation? In my case, I was closed off emotionally. I had just gotten out of a relationship (and found out that my ex had also gotten the girl after me pregnant). I was extremely fragile, and I was prime for an experience like this. (Especially working online at the time in such a public manner.) Bottom line was that I had to figure my shit out. (damnit, curse jar.) I'm still a work in progress, but every day I am becoming more and more self aware. 

Life is one big journey, nerderinos. Enjoy the ride!!! =) 

#thatisall

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#RealDeal: High risk, High reward

<editorsnote> Jordan is a dating coach. But not like "a" dating coach ... lemme rephrase that, he is THE dating coach. He has a show on SiriusXM called "Game On" and he's a super smarty pants when it comes to examining social dynamics. No ... like for real. </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

It’s the fourth quarter. You are on the 40 yard line, and a touch down wins the game. You have line men coming at you when you let it rip down the field. When it works, it is the biggest victory of them all and when it fails, you know you gave it your all. When you sac up and put your neck on the chopping block while you are out, your night can become quite fun. To me, this is what it’s all about.

You never know what you are going to get. When it works, it’s great. When it fails, you’ll probably have some girl chewing you out or maybe even have a drink thrown in your face. It’s a gamble, but sometimes you have to go all in. You will miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Meeting women can be a gamble. You never know if she’s having a bad day. You don’t know if that dude behind her is her boyfriend, and you will have no idea if you have a shot with her until you roll over and say hi. After that, it becomes a process to get her to laugh and loosen up a bit. Assuming that it’s going well, you have to sac up and make your move. Whether it’s kissing her, asking her to come home with you or just grabbing her number, you have to do something.

How could being so forward and brash work? Let’s face it. Women are attracted to confident men. A man who is secure enough to stick his neck out there is going to come off as very sexy to a women. We have all seen a woman with an arrogant loudmouth boyfriend and think to ourselves, “Why is she with him?” Because of his brashness, he is showing confidence in himself. Most women have no choice but to be at least a little attracted.

Though this tactic can be very fun and quite effective, if you are not comfortable in your own skin and do not have a positive and fun attitude, it can be really bad. You can come off looking like you are trying too hard. If you come off as incongruent, it will be hard for women to take you seriously.

A good smile will go a long way. When you go for the Hail Mary, sometimes you can push a little too far. You’ll know because her reaction will be not so favorable. All I can tell you is that when this happens, the best thing you can do is put on the biggest smile you possibly can. I have stood there with a big smile many times after pushing it a little too far. It can be quite fun seeing how much you can get away with.

The hardest part about being such a gambler, is knowing when to stop. You have to be smart enough to know when you have won the battle, and when to walk away. When you have a bit of success and see her smile, you will feel the urge to continue to do it. Tease her too much and you will look like a fool. Once you have her attention, stop trying to get more of her attention.

There is so much you can do, from calling girls out on silly stuff to being quite bold and escalating quickly. There was a very popular episode of “How I Met Your Mother” called The Naked Man. For those of you who have not seen this episode, The Naked Man technique is used when you have completed a date with a girl that probably isn’t all that interested in you. You find an excuse to get in her place (or her into your’s). You go into your bedroom/bathroom, remove all of your clothes and come out naked. She will either be shocked and disgusted, or will go for it thinking, “Why not?” They say it works two out of three times.

Guys, you don’t get much in life without taking any risks, so go out there and have some fun!

#nerdsunite

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#Randombling: Dating Detox Day Two

Randombling: A 5 minute long unedited random stream of consciousness produced by a nerd for nerds.

#nowplaying: Icona Pop - I love it (Featuring Charli XCX)

New spin shoes!!So on Sunday after three years I decided to venture into the only dating path I had yet to walk down ... a dating detox. For reals, I have done 103 dates in 9 months, and two years later, averaged 2-3 dates per week still, AND I'm a domme with 6 slaves. How is it after hundreds and hundreds of dates I am still not any closer to being in a relationship?? 

I am DAMN good (damnit, $10 more dollars) at speaking intelligently on current dating trends, techniques, and social dynamics as a whole - but that same gift of analysis is a curse. You can't sit there on a date and in real time examine the dude across the table from you, but I can't help it if I'm not stimulated enough that that's where my brain jumps to.

It saddens me how little people enjoy their lives, and how much people just "check in" and "check out" of their jobs.

Dating is one of my BIGGEST passions!! I love people, I love seeing how quirky, weird, and what kinda cool and kinky stuff they are into. 

Sigh. 

Now I am without all of it for 28 more days. 

The hardest was just the simple morning email checks. I had to delete all my dating applications on my iphone just so I wouldn't absent mindedly check one of them. 

I also had to make a series of really awkward phone calls to guys I had given my number to last week but hadn't followed up with. 

Guys were like uhhhh ... wait, when does this end? 

Valentines day, I would say. 

Everyone thought I was weird, but it's cool, I'll own it. 

I keep focusing on the actions that I have set for myself, and somehow that is managing to keep me going and not feel as sad about the withdrawal.

So far, I have already gotten a fresh manicure (see above photo), continued my morning runs, AND still go to a spin class every day. Dudes I even got spin shoes for class!!! I feel so fancy pants. 

My room is clean, and I've already designed my next tattoo. (I have to keep it drawn on my arm for about the next week to make sure that I like it. I've actually wanted to get something in that spot for quite some time, and this tattoo is a beautiful representation of this next phase in my life.) 

I also got rid of all of the presents guys have bought me. (I still had a sweatshirt Antonio gave me, and a ton of little gems dudes bought on random dates. New dating karma, I thought. Everything. Must. GO!!!) I've also been eating super healthy, and am even going to the doctor in the morning just to get a checkup. WAHOO!! 

I'm itching to do something and itching to get out and meet some new people, but those desires will soon pass. It's hard going from 60 mph dating wise to this extreme stillness. I have no idea if any of this is actually going to work, but what are my options at this point? 

Onward and upward ... I hope. 

Oh yeah, and the bed I stayed in in San Francisco on Sunday night totally had bed bugs. That was awesome. I had no idea I could scream and take off clothing so fast in all of my life. YAY NEW RECORD UNLOCKED!!!!! 

#thatisall

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#NerdsUnite: Ask That Nerdy Chick (I want one thing and my parents want another)

It is my goal for 2013 to take a lot of my weird and wonky experiences as a lifecaster and help nerdy peeps out by providing a frank (not shirley) and honest answer to some weird and potentially random questions you may have about life. 

Here is an email I just got on Facebook ... 

First of all, thanks for reading and thanks for reaching out. 

Secondly, you think you can predict your life at this point? CHIILLLLLDDD, I'm 10 years your senior and I'm still terribly confused with what the heck I'm doing. Even WITH my own business and my own brand. 

Your teen years are hard. Period end of sentence. Even though you are 18, legally an adult, and physically outside of your parent's household, you are still emotionally very intertwined. 

Your parents will ALWAYS want what they THINK is best for their daughter, or their son - but who are you? That is the only thing in life you ever have to solve for. It's terribly difficult breaking free from that and becoming your own person, but remember, it is all a step by step process. (And a jug of water gets filled one drop at a time.) I completely lucked out with having parents that apparently knew from when I was just a few days old that "this one was different." (I have an older brother who was apparently quite the good baby. I, on the other hand, was a terror from the womb.) My parents embraced my weirdness and told me that with hard work and my mind set to something I could accomplish ANYTHING. (Mother and father, you were both very right.) 

As far as ambition goes? I've had a series of trials and errors. My resume reads like the most random series of events and adventures one could possibly imagine. I've never been normal, and I've never done ANYTHING by the book. What I had to do was figure out my own way, not be afraid of being a leader, and WRITE my own damn book. (Shit there goes $10 more dollars into the charity donation.) 

You have to find you. All of the questions about life that you could ever have the answer to are already inside of you. I found that Buddhism worked very well for me as far as "showing me a road map" was concerned, but whatever that means for you, you have to trust your gut and know you will find your way. Confidence comes from successes and failures. Maybe school isn't for you, or maybe you should be pursuing another field. Hold your parents in a place of unconditional love and tell them you need to figure this out for yourself. I promise you, one day they will understand. 

Thanks for reading and pls keep me posted!! xoxo

Got a question? Drop me an email! JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com

ORRRRR you can message me on Facebook and if it's within 140 characters on the twitter!

Best of luck out there nerds!!

xoxo <3 @JenFriel