#NerdsUnite: Sensuality and Finger Play

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

It starts fairly innocently; as we continue talking, our arms settle next to one another’s, touching. I resist the urge to break contact and we remain that way for what seems like an eternity. Up until that point, the conversation was fairly casual. However, I couldn’t stop looking deeply into her eyes and at her beautiful skin. I finally decide to take a small risk; I put out my hand palm up in an expecting way. Without words, she knew, she was compelled to place her hand into mine. I hold her hand as our conversation becomes slower and more personal. My fingers almost without conscious control begin to stroke her fingers and her fingers respond in kind. Moments pass and staring into her eyes becomes too much; I lean in to kiss her.

Sensuality is more than being sexual. Most men see escalation as talking, kissing, then sex. The problem is that there are intermediary steps that most men don’t know how to do. Creating a level of intimacy and sensuality without being sexual is an important step.

Escalation is not a ladder to be climbed literally going step by step; it is a dance, an improvisation that in fact is one of the most beautiful creative experiences that two people can share. And just like any art form, there is a medium; that medium is sensuality. For me, I find that sensuality has three components: the tone and rhythm of your voice, sustained eye contact, and touching. The first two are things that are best taught in person with someone leading you through what comes off creepy and what is sensual. However, in this article I want to focus on a certain kind of touching; I call it “Finger Play.”

Have you ever seen a baby experience the world around him? The first step after seeing what he wants is to go touch it. After touching it, there it goes, straight into the mouth. I have a similar experience with breasts  Seriously though, I think we often discount how powerful a sensation it is to touch with our hands and to have our hands touch someone else’s hands. For most people, intimate touch starts with the hands and the mouth. Kissing is the obvious beginning of that. However, before we go in for the kiss, more intimacy should be established. One way is to start with holding and touching each other’s hands.

To initiate finger play, I start with some incidental touch. Our arms or legs at some point usually touch accidentally. From there I just don’t pull away. If she pulls away, then I continue creating a connection through our conversation and let it happen again in a bit. After a few minutes of incidental touch, I put my hand out palm up toward her expecting her to put her hand in my hand. This almost never fails; if there is any amount of comfort built between you she will put her hand in yours. From there, hold her hand for a minute or two and then start playing with her fingers, caressing and touching them.

Creating a level of sensuality is an important step in escalation for men. Using finger play on the way to being more sexual and intimate, kissing, etc, will help you create a smoother transition from talking into something more.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew! 

#NerdsUnite

#NerdsUnite: How No-Self Can Get You Her Fine Self- Dating & Spirituality II

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Previously we've discussed the concept of No-Self and how you can apply it to the Dating Pipeline. To recap, the seven steps of the Dating Pipeline are:

1) Find. Are you going to the places where there are women who are interesting to you? What is the size of the total pool of women in your living area that you could potentially date?

2) Meet. Of those that catch your fancy, how many are you actually saying ‘Hi’ to?

3) Get contact information. Okay, now you made the first contact. Did you get a phone number or email?

4) Follow-up. Did you actually call or write her in a timely manner?

5) Second encounter. Did that follow-up turn into a date?

6) Progression to intimacy. Did you make out — or more?

7) Third encounter and beyond. Were there repeat dates after the first? Now we’re going to see what happens when we apply the concept of No-Self to each of these steps and work through its ramifications. Ready?

Here we go:

1) Find

Now that you are free from the notion of self, you would be willing to go more places and try more things that you would consider “out of character.”  For me, that would be going to sporting events. Or the racetrack. Or to a pottery class.  Let me ask you this: do you like beer? Or sushi? Chances are you’re a fan of at least one of those things.

Well, I’ve got news for you. As a physician, I can tell you that no child is born liking beer or sushi. It’s just plain icky — UNTIL you try it out and develop a taste for it.  And so it is with the fixed notion of self. When you lock yourself into who you think you are — sometimes at the tender age of 20 — then you have LIMITED your world, who you are and what you’re capable of doing.

The fact is, the more places you’re willing to show up, the more activities you’re willing to try out, the more chances you’ll have of meeting interesting women.  And, incidentally, of having a rich and interesting life.  So you don’t think you’re the dancing type? Well, why don’t you sign up for a dance class and find out (by the way, one of the easiest and most effective ways in the world to meet women — they have no choice but to hold on to you, geez).  This is the top of your pipeline. And you can totally blow it up by trying on the idea of no-self and experimenting with new versions of you.

2) Meet
This is perennially the area in which most guys are looking for a better way.  She’s hot, she’s standing there, there’s no Plexiglas shield around her, no Dobermans to attack you — and yet you can’t go up and say hi.
What’s the deal?

Some guys say, “Well, I don’t want to offend her.” As if it’s HER feelings they’re concerned about. And saying ‘hi’ would be somehow offensive.  Nice try, buddy. The truth is you’re chicken, because the all-powerful goddess babe could make you feel like a gnat by dinging you. Ohhhh no.

It’s not about her. It’s about your ego. And how it could potentially get bruised in this interaction.
Now if there’s no self, then there’s no ego. No ego means no bruising, which means now you have no fear.  Oooh! Suddenly you’re bulletproof. And it’s not because you’re ‘confident’. It’s because you moved to a level BEYOND confidence, where confidence doesn’t really matter anymore.  I’ve always had a problem with the whole notion of confidence. “Hey man, to get chicks you just have to be confident.”

A whole buncha nonsense.

To me, confidence is like a wall. And for any wall, there’s a battering ram, wrecking ball, or bunker-busting tactical nuclear weapon that can destroy it.  Confidence can be broken. I want you guys to have something that NOTHING can break.  The idea of no-self is like water. Can you cut water? Can you break it? It simply flows around any obstacle and re-forms as if unperturbed.  That is no-self, my friends. It’s what confidence wants to be when it grows up.

3) Get contact information
Again, when there’s no self, there’s no ego, and there’s no fear of rejection. So you’re much more willing to just go up to her, do what it takes to get the contact info, and run along your merry way.
This is known as ‘Te’ or right action. And when there is no self to get in the way, you become a conduit for Te. And you get crazy awesome results.

4) Follow-up
Guys ask me, “When should I call her?” And I say in the Tao of Dating, sooner is better than later. Follow up within 24-48 hours whenever possible.  But the real answer is that you should do it when it feels right to you. And when there is no self, then you will act less on fear and uncertainty and more in consonance with your instinct.

You feel like calling her the next day? Do it! Who cares about protocol. You’re afraid of screwing up on the phone? Well, there’s no self, so there’s nothing to screw up. Just do it.
This whole no-self idea can be pretty liberating, eh.

 5) Second encounter/first date: Here’s a biggie. You’re on your first date. What do most guys do?  Blather nonstop about themselves, that’s what. Partially because they’re uncomfortable with empty air time, and partially because they’re trying to boost their own ailing ego by showing how cool they are.

Well, if you had no self, then you wouldn’t worry about empty airtime and you’d have no ego to boost. And instead, you would do the single most attractive thing a man can do in the presence of a woman:

LISTEN TO HER.

Yup. Just hear her out, brother. Be genuinely interested in her. Ask her “What do you mean by that?”, or “What’s important to you about that?” Draw her out.  Your expert execution of the concept of no-self will also look to her like you’re a creature of utter mystery — which means tremendously attractive.

Also, you can’t possibly get ruffled or annoyed by anything she does or says. There’s no self for you to get annoyed! This will make you seem impertubably calm — which is also very, very attractive.

6) Progression to intimacy
Guys tend to get all worked up in this phase. “When should I kiss her? Should I wait till the end? Should I use the Alias Hair-Twist and Yank?Or TrendyBoy’s Reverse Devolution Triple Whammy on her?”  Take a deep breath. Relax. And realize that any anxiety you have about the first kiss is really anxiety about having that first kiss thwarted. And that’s all about the ego.

When you toss that ego aside, then it’s like you’re clearing out internal blockages, allowing your natural feeling and instinct to surface.  Listen — three MILLION years of evolution have put exquisitely sensitive and accurate circuits in your head and body to let you know when you should kiss her. The very survival of the species depends on it.

When you are self-less and therefore calm, cool, and collected, you immediately know what that look in her eye means. And you will go for the kiss immediately, without any hesitation, because you are fully present. No manuals necessary.

And further on down the line, when you get more intimate, you’ll enjoy your togetherness more as an act of sharing and less about some kind of performance. Which, paradoxically, will improve your performance.
Ready for one more?

7) Third encounter and beyond
From the outside, no-self looks like you’re just one solid dude. Imperturbable. Solid backbone. A stand-up guy. Women like that. And they will come back for that, again and again, because it’s so damn rare.
Also, no-self allows you to be a conduit for love. Because you’re not with her to try to get something from her. You’re not with her because it gratifies your ego. You’re not with her because you don’t want to be lonely.

You’re with her out of choice, and for the mutual flourishing of spirit. And to have a great time together. And when time comes to part, no-self will allow you to do that with greater grace, too, since you won’t take anything personally.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!

#nerdsunite ... literally

#NerdsUnite: Sexual Tension- How To Be The Guy Who “Gets It”

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Want To Be The Man Who Stands Out?

Want To Be One Of Those Naturals Who “Gets It”?

Want Major Dating Success To Come Your Way?

If so…here’s a phrase you need to become VERY familiar with – one that you’re even going to want to obsess a bit about. If this were Vegas, I’d be willing to throw a bit of cash at the fact that you are probably not very good at this vital technique. It single-handedly transformed my “game” from good to killer, once I understood it. Master this, and start throwing social “atom bombs” at very attractive women.

So what the %&$# am I talking about already?

Sexual Tension

This separates the men from the boys.

How Do I Create And Intensify Sexual Tension?

Well, there are plenty of ways to do it, but there is ONE way, one skill that is mandatory. Yes, body language is important, vocal tone is important, your level of relaxation is important, what you wear is important…

But much more than that, FLIRTING is your key to the riches of sexual tension.

How well do you flirt?
Well, if you don’t know, look at the results you’re getting from your interactions with women.

Satisfied?

• Are you set for a date this Saturday night?
• Have you gotten laid in the last 30 days?
• Have you met a new girl in the last week?
• Do you have a girlfriend who you love, and who loves you?

If so, feel free to stop reading now, man.

But, if you’re like most guys out there, then you need to work on this skill. So, let’s get real and be serious about this for a moment… or, better yet, let’s NOT! Being too serious and trying to flirt is like C3PO trying to break dance.

Listen, I work with a lot of guys and I know that most of them feel pretty clueless when it comes to flirting. They either overdo it, and come off like a horse’s $&# or they don’t do it enough, failing to create any sexual tension AT ALL. These guys tend to live with the “nice guy” label, and have many female “friends” in their lives but little romance.

“Let’s Just Be Friends” is what they hear from women, not:

“Can I come over?”
“What are you doing tonight?”
“There’s this great party, and I’d like you to come with me – are you free?”

Do you hear those words from women?  Keep reading….

The first key to flirting is to RELAX. When you are uptight about a girl “liking you”, she will sense it and lose interest FAST. This is not rocket science here;  this is social dynamics (for real), and being relaxed is essential. If you feel this way, look her in the eye and imagine her snoring. I know it sounds strange, but when you see that pretty face of hers blaring out a loud snore while asleep, she tends to lose all the importance you have given her.

The idea I want you to get here is to realize that she is not deserving of your power, so why be freaked out in her presence?

Second, being flirtatious means being playful. There is a lot written up out there about the importance of being “cocky”. Frankly, this idea is played out. The guys I meet tell me the same thing over and over:

“Every time I get cocky with her, she loses interest in me.  I always come off like an ass!”

Yep. That’s why we don’t talk cocky here. The key is to be PLAYFUL. Teasing her is GREAT. Treat her like she’s the nerdy kid in high school. When she does something dumb, bust her on it. When you do this though, do it with a smile – be sure she knows you are teasing her. Otherwise, without the playful attitude, you will be categorized as a jerk.

Incidentally, NEVER make fun of her looks. Feel free to compliment her “look,” but never tease her about her genetic appearance. Tease and bust on her behavior only. This is where the fun happens.

The magic combination is to combine this playful attitude with being a gentleman. Open doors, pull out the chairs, offer your arm when going over the curb, help with her jacket…all of those chivalrous things…DO THEM. Feel free to be as nice and courteous to her as possible. But, be sure to mix that with teasing and a playful combination. Having this mixture allows you to be a gentleman. Without it, you become her “friend” and a “nice guy”. Yuck!

By revealing that you are considerate and fun, you become the big winner. It is the essence of what is called “push/pull”.

For now, just note that when you tease her, you subtly (psychologically) push her away. When you are considerate and chivalrous, you pull her towards you.  This creates TENSION. This tension is also known as  Sexual Tension. To flirt like a man means to be the master of tension. When to dial it up, when to slow it down, and when to drop it altogether.

It takes experience to master it, but focus on these principles and ride the fast track:

1. Relax – nothing is more unattractive than an uptight guy; chill out and lower the stakes.
2. Playful – tease her, poke fun at her, call her a “brat” and do it with a smile.
3. Gentleman – Open doors, offer your hand, and make her feel special.
4. Confidence – do all of the above with confidence, and you will help her feel comfortable and valuable, which makes you the big winner.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew! 

#nerdsunite

#Fact: There Are No Quick Fixes for Bad Daters

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Most men make dating way too difficult.

Bad Daters (BDs) search for the perfect pickup line or opener ... they spend way too much time online researching seduction techniques ... they obsess about women they want to meet ... they search for a magic bullet to make women fall in love with them.

Here’s the paradox of dating: meeting women and creating relationships is relatively easy, but requires something that most men find excruciatingly difficult.

Let me explain. Most Bad Daters struggle with shyness or social anxiety. For whatever reason. . . genetics, family environment, or fear, they find talking with and interacting with people especially difficult.

A second factor compounds this problem.

Most people tend to spend the most of their time doing what comes easiest for them. People who are naturally good at sports tend to play a lot of sports. People who are naturally good at math tend to spend a lot of time doing math. People who are naturally good at socializing tend to spend a lot of time socializing.

It only makes sense that if something comes relatively easily, you spend more time doing that thing. The result is that like most people, you tend to get pretty good at one or two things but lag behind at most other things.

Here’s the heart of your dating problem.

Since childhood, some things came more easily for you than for others. I’m going to guess that socializing is one of those things that didn’t come especially easy. Therefore, you developed your math muscle, D&D muscle, Halo muscle, watching TV muscle, or surfing the internet muscle, and never put much effort into developing your social muscle.

Initially, using a muscle that has never been trained or developed typically results in clumsiness and failure. The first several times you try to ride a bike, shoot a basketball, or drive a stick shift you feel awkward. That’s normal. Social muscles are no different.

Here is the third thing that makes dating and mating way too difficult for most shy guys.  Most socially anxious men want to get laid or get a girlfriend; these are powerful motivators. Because they have never developed their social muscle, these men often go looking for shortcuts and quick fixes. They think they should be able to play like Kobe and LeBron without having to put in hours working on their game. When they do occasionally venture out onto the dating court and miss the first two or three shots they take, they get frustrated and give up.

These three factors, social anxiety, a tendency to neglect developing social muscles, and a desire for quick fixes all combine to make dating way more difficult than it needs to be.

If the scenario above fits you, here is what I suggest: skip the Grand Theft Auto and the search for the quick and easy dating tricks, and work on developing your social muscle.

Relationships are the result of unexpected miracles. Not many miracles happen when you are sitting at home playing X-box, watching television, or surfing the internet for porn. Not many miracles happen when you spend 60 to 70 hours a week at work. Not many miracles happen when you only hang out with other socially anxious men.

To become a natural, successful dater you have to do something that doesn’t come easy; talk to people.  Like everything else, to get good at something, you have to start with the basics and work your way up. You have to start out playing scales before you play Chopin.

Here’s your workout routine for developing your social muscle:

* Get out of the house every day.

* Expand your route and linger in public places.

* Talk to people everywhere you go (not just hot women).

It’s that simple.

If this plan scares you, feels awkward, or seems unrelated to your goal of getting a girl, great;  go do it!  There are no shortcuts or quick fixes to developing your social muscle. Without social competency, you’ll never be more than a “Geek with Techniques” when you try to approach women.

Working on your social muscle isn’t sexy and it won’t produce overnight results, but it will build a foundation for success in dating and mating.

Here’s the bonus, besides giving you the skills you need to be successful with women, it will also give you the skills you need to be successful in every other area of life!  So turn off your computer, get the hell out of the house, and smile and say hello to the first person you meet.

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!  



#nerdsunite

Want More #Women? Boost your Testosterone Levels!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

To begin with, current research shows that testosterone levels are inversely correlated to body fat levels in men.  In layman’s terms, the more testosterone you produce the less body fat you will typically have.
With this being said, one of your prime objectives should be naturally boosting your testosterone levels whenever you can.

You can do this a number of different ways ...

First: Make sure to work out with weights. A heavy weight training session has been shown to stimulate increases in testosterone. In fact, the more often you workout with heavy weights, the more often you stimulate testosterone production in your body.  Shoot for 30-45 minutes of heavy weight training at least 3 days per week to begin seeing a “boost”.

This affect builds over time so stick with it.

Second: Compete. Competition itself causes a rise in testosterone to meet the coming challenge. The only caveat is that you need to compete in something that you MAY or MAY NOT win.  Challenges with no perceived effort do nothing for test levels.

Third: Win. You better be good at what you’re competing in, as research also shows the winner has a lasting elevation in testosterone whereas the loser ends up with a decline in testosterone.  (As a side note, pulling for the “winning” team often has the same effects” as noted by the sheer number of fights that break out in sports bars and sporting events)

Fourth: Talk to women, lots of women. Research shows that men who engage with women socially have an increase in testosterone  and the more women the better. THINK ABOUT THIS VERY CAREFULLY.

Doing those 1000 approaches will do you MORE GOOD than just practice. They increase your MOJO.

 Fifth: Multiple sex partners. Guys who have multiple sex partners have been shown to have higher testosterone levels that guys in monogamous relationships. Now, the research hasn’t just shown that the monogamous relationship was a HAPPY one or if the average monogamous relationship is characterized by the woman holding the man’s balls but it makes for a good argument nonetheless.

This is a self perpetuating cycle.

Working out builds muscle and helps burn body fat, making you more attractive to women. Working increases testosterone which further accelerates the muscle building and fat burning effects of your workouts. Furthermore, as your body "changes” more women will be attracted to you. The more women you interact with and have sex with the more your testosterone will be boosted.  And so the cycle continues.  I’m sure this makes sense to you.

How many guys do you know who fit into this cycle that are fat and out of shape or skinny and weak looking. Whether or not you want to admit it, there is definitely a particular look and body shape that most women are attracted to. That look is a lean muscular body, and the key ingredient to it all is testosterone.

Get your butt into the gym, and following these testosterone boosting rules, and reap the rewards. If you only have two choices, alpha or beta, which one do you want to be?

To learn more from The Art of Charm about how to meet & attract women, visit www.afterhello.com And, if you're an LA local, you can stop by The Art of Charm office and meet the crew!  

#nerdsunite