#WhatToDo: You got her number, but her body language said no

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

The Fake – I mean, the Flake

It’s the dreaded “flake” or “flake-out.” It happens to many folks, enough that we know the end of the story pretty much from the start. She gives you her number, but then doesn’t answer your call, or maybe you do get a date set up, but then she cancels at the last minute.  “She gave me her number,” he says. “We were at the club, we chatted for a moment while we were each getting drinks, and it seemed like she was into me. We set up a first date, but she called to tell me something came up and she hasn’t called me back since!”

When I hear stories like this, I know there’s more to it than that. Human interaction is rarely that simple. So it’s time to ask some questions:

What did you talk about?
“Oh, you know – the usual. How are you, who are you here with, having fun yet…that kind of stuff.”

What did she do that made you feel that she was interested in you?                                                            

“Well, we were shoulder to shoulder at the bar and she smiled while we were chatting and she tucked her hair behind her ear as she was leaving with her drink.”

How did you get her number?
“Her drink came, so I handed her my phone and told her we shouldn’t lose touch, that we should go out sometime.”

What did you do after you got the number?
“Well, her drink was there and she’d turned around, so I told her to have a good night and I’d call her.”
Nothing here is unusual, nor is anything intrinsically wrong. Was it the most wild, amazing introduction?

No, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be. Was she as attracted to him as he thought? Everyone’s shoulders touch at the bar, she might be a smiley person in general, and her hair might have been in her eyes. She might very well have been attracted to him, or she might not have.

So why did she give him her number, agree to a date and then cancel?

The key to figuring out what might have happened in this interaction is body language, which he didn’t mention at all in his story. Without it, we have less than half of the information we need to make an educated guess as to what led to her cancelling their date. To figure this out, we need to look at the body language of both people. Hers will tell us how she’s responding to him. His will show us how he feels about himself.

During the interaction at the bar, she smiled and touched her hair. Most women do both of these things most of the time. Neither is a clear indication of interest. What would show interest is how her body is aligned toward his, and whether her posture is open or closed. If her arms or shoulders are in front of her in a protective, space-creating way, it doesn’t matter what she’s saying. She’s not comfortable. If she starts making attempts to turn away from him from the moment he says hello, or keeps her head turned away from him while he’s talking, she’s probably not interested no matter what she’s actually saying. However, if she was turned toward him, looking up at him and smiling with her arms as loose as they could be in the bar, maybe even arching her back as she spoke to him, perhaps a hand cocked on her hip, she’s likely legitimately interested.

If he went through this interaction with his shoulders sagging, his empty beer bottle held protectively in front of him, never even shaking her hand or touching her arm, she won’t believe he’s actually interested in her. Her immediate feeling will likely be that he’s just talking to any girl who comes into his vicinity, so she’s nothing special to him. She might still give him her number when he asks because for whatever reason, she doesn’t know how to say no, but she won’t trust it. Even if she’s attracted to him, if his body language makes her feel as though she’s not sure if he’s into her, she’ll begin to lose that initial attraction. He said he was interested by asking for her number, but his body language made her feel that he wasn’t, so even if she was into him at first, by the time the day of the date came around, she’ll trust that feeling rather than the words he said.

The term “flaking” implies that there is no reason for her canceling or not answering calls. This is never true. There is always a reason. If you go over the interaction piece by piece and decide that everything that was said and done was great, then go back over it thinking of how everything was said and done. Chances are your body might have said more – or less – than you wanted.

For more tips on how to practice Effective Body Language, check out this episode: Body Language

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#HowTo: Improve Your Recall To Avoid Freezing in Front of Women

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Here’s my technique for being prepared and NOT losing it in front of a woman…

I’m assuming that you’ve walked up and said “Hi” or  used some other opener to get the conversation started. I’ve taught you plenty of methods in these newsletters, and you can find more in my programs.  And, as you know, it’s not what you open with that’s important, but what you say NEXT that will make the difference.  But how do you keep it going with all the stuff you want to talk about?

Here’s what you do first…

STEP 1: CREATE YOUR OWN BRIDGE
A conversational bridge is a way of bringing up a topic that you want to steer the conversation towards. Let’s say you know you want to talk about your passions and interests with a woman, and you’ve thought of a great way to bring it up and talk about it. And, let’s say your passion is photography.  You have a couple ways you could bring it up in conversation, like:

“You know, I was just thinking as I’m looking at you that you would make a fantastic subject for photography. Have you ever thought about doing a sitting?” (Note that I did NOT use any corny lines about “you should be a model.”)

You could also bring it up without focusing on her by saying: ”I was out scouting locations for some photos today. The light here is really fantastic for bringing out skin tones and eye color. Isn’t it great?”
(I don’t have time to cover it here, but showing this kind of “vision” of the world is VERY attractive to women.)  Okay, so now we’ve got a couple ways to bring up our interests in conversation, without bragging AND at the same time communicating to a woman that you’ve got a hobby in your life that brings out your passion.  Maybe you’ve got some great questions to ask, and things to say that you think of when you’re at home, but now you need to have it ready all the time, like a loaded gun.  You want to be able to come up with this when you’re out and about, but you find yourself constantly forgetting it when the pressure is on.

Here’s your next step…

STEP 2: ENGAGE YOUR MODALITIES
Modalities are simply your senses. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch.  The more of your senses you use, the quicker things are embedded in your mind.  So you want to spend some time before you go out writing these words down, whether it’s the questions you want to ask, or just a list of topics you want to bring up in conversation.  This will engage your “kinesthetic” modality.  Then you want to spend some time saying the words out loud. This will help you rehearse and say things smoothly, and it also engages
your “auditory” modality.  And you also want to spend some time reviewing things on paper.  Read and re-read the phrases and information you want to commit to memory. This will engage your “visual” modality.  But even this is not enough for most of us. You need ONE extra simple step to make this work, and it’s something that not many guys know about.  I’ve got a special method that increases your results about 1000%.

You need to…

STEP 3: ENGAGE “SITUATIONAL REHEARSAL” TECHNIQUE
Back when I was in high school, I used to have a good method of learning material I needed for tests. You probably did, too.  I would cram all my notes on a piece of paper with facts, writing stuff everywhere, and in every direction. On the margins, sideways, whatever.  Then, when it came time to study for a test on memorized facts, I would just sit down with the page and cover up sections with my hand and try to recall the information.  Well, we all did this in some way or another with our notes. What you don’t realize is that you weren’t learning the information as much as you were learning WHERE that information was on the paper.  You got locked into recalling the information based on WHERE it was, not WHAT it was.

So when you get a fact or information that you can’t see on a piece of paper, you would forget it fast. (Which is why it’s so easy to forget names. We’re not paying attention to it enough the first time, and there’s nothing to anchor it in our heads.) That’s right, it wasn’t the information you were learning as much as giving your brain a LOCATION for that information. It’s called ”spatial relationship,” and it’s how your mind stores information.

It’s more important to give a RELATIONSHIP to the information to make it stick.  Like right now, if you close your eyes, chances are you can recall where almost everything is in your bedroom, or another room in your apartment that you are very familiar with. So here’s how you use this “Situational Rehearsal” technique. It’s based on the way your brain really learns.  And you’ll get at least 10 times better retention and recall of information if you use it…

In my previous example, you came up with a great way to talk about photography, your passion. And you came up with a great way to actually SAY it to a woman. Now you have to practice recalling these things in MANY different locations, and in many different situations.  You would want to do stuff like:

- Recall and recite the words when you’re in the shower.

- Call your home voicemail and recite it back as a message.  This one is great. It will put you “on the spot”

- AND it will give you a chance to review how you said it later. You can do this with your cell phone voicemail, too.

- Recall and recite when you’re driving in the car.

- Recall the words when you’re watching a television show, as if you’re saying it to the people on the screen.

- Recall and recite when you’re out on a city street. (Just whisper it so that people don’t think you’re crazy.)

But if you REALLY want to improve by leaps and bounds in your inner and outer game of conversation, here’s a KILLER bonus technique:

- Put a bluetooth headset on (or any cell phone earpiece so it looks like you’re talking on your phone). Then, go out and recite what it is you’re memorizing when you’re out in public on a city street or in a store.  Don’t worry, other people will just assume you’re talking to someone on your cell phone. But this method will help you get over your fear of looking foolish in front of other people.  AND it gives you a killer rehearsal for saying it in front of a woman. You get your shyness out of the way, and you build confidence in the process.  (I used to do this all the time, and make up some pretty crazy conversations to see if I could get people around me to listen in.  ”He hit the cop with a baseball bat??? No WAY!” Try it sometime…  it’s better than prank phone calling.)

The point of this is that you must get out there and put yourself in as many DIFFERENT situations where you have to recall the information you’re trying to memorize.  The more situations you find to rehearse in, the better you’ll be when it counts – in front of a woman.  By using my technique, you activate millions more neurons in your brain, which commits the words DEEP into your memory. And then this helps you pull out the words when you really need to, and you won’t have any of those embarrassing gaps and silences in your conversations with women.

If you would like to know more tips on how to tell a good story, check out this episode: Storytelling



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Understanding How to Shift the #Power to Relational Equality

 #TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

A man can be doing his own thing, comfortable in his own skin and then a relational element such as a Playboy model can walk in the room and his behavior changes; his energy and power shifts. This is because of his relationship to her SOCIAL POWER; the illusion, the mask. If he had a relationship with her suppressed alpha NATURE instead of social adaptation, then he would start getting places with women consistently. Sex is a byproduct of a pre-existing relationship, NOT right upfront with women.
 The equation CAN be balanced without being her social equal (which isn’t even sexual).

The single most important thing for men who want to become bona fide ladies’ men is simply not to be thrown off in relation to this power. It’s to accept and represent that he really is her equal and to communicate it. He has to balance out his relationship to her power and represent it behaviorally.
 This is what women want and are desperately lacking in their options today; real men who can be themselves around them.

Yes, this ‘relational equality’ is by far the #1 thing; more important than his looks, social status, pick-up lines, scripts, personality or anything else.  It’s the ability to maintain your behavior around other elements and people of power.  It’s not about being nervous, shifting your agenda, and creepily acting nice or paying for her attention to ‘get somewhere’ with her.  It’s to be yourself but in relation to the most powerful and beautiful people. This rare trait will get you more action than any seduction technique and it’s a RELIEF to women to trust you so THEY can open up.  You have to have this power conditioned because it doesn’t start with your ‘acting’ around her; she already knows. It’s before, during, and after your communication with her. They’re judging you fast when you approach.

Once you achieve relational equality and your energy or physiology isn’t thrown off around the hottest woman in the world, it will open the doors to unlimited pussy, love, affection, joy, memories, and shared experiences with other people of power.  Those men who possess this relational equality (ie. naturals and other people of behavioral power) never have to worry about their love life and have all kinds of women chasing after them with just a little bit of proactive effort.  They don’t have fear of women or of other powerful people. They can approach, attract, meet and communicate instantly with women. Then, other levels of communication can flourish because the woman is receptive.

Relationships of mutual trust can actually start instead of being prevented. Women instantly trust my energy because it doesn’t waver in relation to them. It opens the doors. I am the rock and this one quality has yielded untold results with women in the last 3 years.  Why? Because I have achieved the alpha male trait of relational equality.

How to do it? 2 words: relational mastery.

So, to have the results with women and in life that you dream of, this relational equality is the single most important ‘tool’ you can have; being the behavioral equal to other people or sources of power because THEN a win/win interdependent relationship can start.

Losers with women have disempowered relationships and beliefs. They are predictably the conditioned response to the stimulus of social alpha or inner alpha women instead of being independent and valuable as their equals.  After all, everything is relational anyways and if we’re not ‘aware’, then we’re ‘ignorant’. It’s time to become aware of behavioral relational dynamics to accelerate your real game because otherwise you’d be going blind into the pits.

Women are just more powerful and looking for their equal in power with the men in their life. Isn’t it time to become powerful and be the man you were supposed to be? Countless women are waiting.  But if you’re not dealing with energy and nature and instead focusing on what most of seduction does; social tactics and inner game..it’s going to take a long time to ever achieve the consistency someone like me does with women. That’s because women now have the social and inner power right upfront so you’re left to struggle balancing it out on the 6% of interpersonal and social dynamics.

So, unless the man can truly be centered in himself in relation to all of this social value which he believes is sexuality, there’s going to be a lot more angst, frustration and failure with women. And a LOT of focusing on the skillsets that seem to be where it’s at but actually matter the least.  And, in the mind of man; until there is a balance in his relationship to all female power (before he approaches), the fear is going to be there in the approach because he is haphazardly out of control in relation to her social value and power.

She knows what he wants..it doesn’t matter how he calibrates because his is weak compared to her power and chasing the wrong thing but a woman will never tell a man this. Remember, HE’S SUPPOSED TO KNOW and he doesn’t, it’s not the man for her.  He is not powerful, he is not her equal and thus no matter what pick-up lines, training or scripts he runs, it’s really child’s play. She’ll wait until that powerful man who truly respects her as an equal (in energy) comes along and she’ll be open to him even if he has many other lacking traits.

The fact that I have high value traits across the board on top of relational equality = very effective with attraction and ‘dating’. I’ve got countless stories and I don’t really go for average looking women.  Women fall for bad boys because they have relational equality first and foremost. They also have high natural value which can bring out her own sexuality in relation to HIM. And they’ll do this in spite of his other traits.  Fortunately, now there is great opportunity for real, balanced men that women are looking for…we just have to step up and accept our power to truly BE the equal of women (instead of ie. emulating brute jerk behavior).

This seems impossible when viewed socially because a million men would sleep with her over you. That’s why understanding relational dynamics (relational mastery) and harnessing your nature and energy as a man are more than enough to be the answer to what women go for and desire. Getting physical is the standard.  The value of nature and energy is far greater than your inner game.

With enough physiological congruency (meaning BEHAVIOR, not acting), it doesn’t matter what you say. Yet if you’re lacking the behavioral power the women you approach have, you’re stuck to making up with weaker verbal and social communication where can easily reject you and aren’t attracted.  That’s why there is so much focus on it in the seduction and dating community.  And unfortunately, most men continue to logically look at what ’seems’ to be the thing to do and many dating experts will keep promoting the exact same tactics that will keep selling but don’t necessarily work; what to say, ‘how’ to approach, self-affirmations (that seem like a lie to his brain), ‘acting’ techniques, etc.  You will have to change your beliefs and then condition yourself into a more natural reality and I show guys exactly how to do it.

This is how you become behaviorally powerful and comfortable in your own skin around the women you want and then the magic happens.  It’s when you have a physiological relationship with the alpha nature of women that you too can have insane success with women. This will not happen by anything you do in First World life by default. Even the seduction community is so far off from this. I would daresay say that Zan is the only one that comes close to what I’m talking about. It’s a different direction (yet with masculine POWER) that yields the results men and women are looking for.  I call it ‘Natural Game Dating’ and I teach ‘how’ to achieve this behavioral power.

You have to build and develop a relationship with nature and energy itself to become a true rockstar (ie. without the social status and despite your level of inner game). When you have that confident, stronger (natural) reality (as I do) around women, you become fearless, comfortable, powerful, respected, insatiable, admired, lusted after, loved and chased.The dream can become a reality and the faster you understand that the sexuality of women is nothing like you ever thought, the more results you will have with women and more power to bring out their repressed sexuality smoothly and naturally.

If you liked this post, check out this episode: Episode #103 Value Revisited Part 1

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#KeepingItReal: 5 Tips to Oral Sex on a Female

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Don’t you love the feeling of completely controlling a woman’s body… making her orgasm over and over again until there’s nothing she can do but hang on and scream?
 There’s something about taking her past the furthest limits of pleasure that she can endure, and then, when she just can’t take any more… going a little bit farther.

Given that the majority of women surveyed say that they have never experienced orgasm during intercourse, the easiest way to get her to that point is by going down on her. 
I know that some guys just don’t like giving oral sex, which I have to be honest, makes me scratch my head a bit. I’m always tempted to ask if they’ve ever tried doing it with another guy to see if maybe they are better suited to a different sexual orientation - but I guess the fact is, we are all different, and some guys don’t enjoy going downtown. 
If that’s you, you may as well stop reading, because this article really isn’t for you.

I’ll give away the whole enchilada right here and tell you that the number 1 tip for driving a woman wild with oral sex is simply this: 
Enjoy what you’re doing.

If you are truly, authentically, in the zone, just loving her taste, texture, and smell, and really down there for your own pleasure, chances are that you will be driving her CRAZY.
 There is nothing sexier for a woman than passion, and when you are totally involved in her body, she can sense that with her mysterious female ability to read and respond to our emotions.

Here are 5 more tips that are guaranteed to tie her knots and have her screaming the bolts in the bed-frame loose.

1. PAY ATTENTION
: This is pretty much the biggest rule for any guy that wants to learn to be great in bed. And while it sounds stupid and obvious, the vast majority of women will tell you that the vast majority of men just don’t get this technique at all.
 As guys we are always so wrapped up in our own heads asking ourselves questions like, Is she liking what I’m doing?
…Is my dick big enough?
…Should I flip her over or keep doing what I’m doing?
…Is she as good as my last girlfriend?
…Am I as good as her last boyfriend?

And just the fact that you’re reading this might suggest that sometimes when you are in bed with her, you are thinking about some technique that you are going to try on her.
 All those things kill it for her, AND frankly, they kill it for you too. 
It’s much more fun to be present and engaged in what you are doing.

When you are really tuned in and paying attention to her body, you will figure out for yourself exactly what to do and how to rock her world like never before.
 Every woman is different, and if you don’t master the art of paying attention, you’ll forever be stuck doing something to her that works great on some other girl, but isn’t necessarily the best thing for her. 
Even asking a woman what she likes in the bedroom is never a replacement for paying attention, because so many women have never been with a truly great lover. It is very likely that she doesn’t know herself what things really drive her crazy.

2. DON’T ALWAYS DRIVE TOWARDS HER ORGASM: Men also tend to be obsessed with “getting the job done.” They want to know how to make her come. Exactly. Step by step. And then just do that furiously all night long. 
Relax. 
There’s so much more to sexual pleasure than orgasm. And when she FEELS that you are obsessively driven to make her orgasm, it puts a lot of pressure on her to come so that she can please you. And when she puts that kind of pressure on herself, it can actually prevent her from ever reaching a climax. 
So chill out and enjoy each other’s bodies. There’s a lot of sensual pleasure to just going slow and letting it build up. Kiss her down there, trace the alphabet across her lips, tease her until she can’t stand it anymore. 
Otherwise it’s just like renting a DVD and skipping directly to the last chapter. The rest of the movie is part of the fun.

3. DEVELOP YOUR SENSE OF RHYTHM: If you are one of those guys that can’t dance and has no sense of rhythm - this is a problem.
There is a reason that women are sexually attracted to men who can dance. It is because women are very tuned to rhythms.
 It’s not enough to find out the exact spot on her body and exactly how much pressure to apply to get her to reach orgasm. You’ve got to also get the right rhythm.
 Now I’d like to tell you the exact rpm or bpm to get this right, but you will have to go back to tip #1 above. 
Experiment with different rhythmic pacing and then “pay attention”.
 When you find the right beat, you will know it, because she will start to go crazy. And once you find it… just stay with it. Keep the beat steady and she will very quickly reach orgasm.

4. CHECK UNDER THE HOOD: As a woman gets closer and closer to orgasm, the fold of skin where the labia meet at the top of her vagina begins to move down over the clitoris.
 This fold of skin is called the “clitoral hood”, and why the clitoris wants to hide under this hood when she is getting closer to orgasm is one of nature’s more frustrating mysteries, because for some women it actually keeps them from getting there.
 What happens is, she gets more and more excited, and then the clitoris recedes beneath the hood and the sensation drops off, and suddenly she feels the excitement die, and she just can’t figure out why she can get so close, but can’t ever have an orgasm.
The solution is simple if she is with a skilled lover.
 Just place your thumb in the fold at the very top of her vagina and pull gently upwards to expose the clitoris. And then have at it.
 Quick note: Some women can’t take the intensity of direct clitoral stimulation and prefer a gentle touch on the sides of the clitoris at the 11 and 1 o’clock positions from the clitoral head.
 For women like this, pulling the hood back and licking directly on the head of the clitoris might make her yowl and crash up through the ceiling like you just hooked 200 volt electrodes to her vagina.
 Like all powerful techniques: handle with caution.

5. TREAT HER CLIT LIKE EXACTLY WHAT IT IS: The clitoris is ontologically analogous to the penis.
 Which is a fancy way of saying that, at some point in mommy’s womb, before you can tell whether the embryo is a boy or a girl, the same bit of tissue that becomes the penis in men, becomes the clitoris in women.
 And if you treat it the way you like your penis treated, you’ll usually get good results.
That means you can try stroking the sides up and down with your fingers as if you were “jerking it off”, and you can try sucking it up into your mouth and using an “in-out” motion.
If you go back to rule #1 and pay attention to what works, you’ll probably get some amazing results with these techniques.

6. ADD OPTIONS: I know I called the article “5 Tips…”, but I’ve got one more that I want to share and “6 Tips…” just isn’t as good a title for an article.
 Plus, I like to over-deliver. (Another good thing to try in bed with your girlfriend, by the way).
 So try this: Add G spot massage while you are using your tongue on her clitoris.
 Insert 1 or 2 fingers into her vagina below your chin, with your palm facing upwards. Then curl your fingers in a “come ‘ere” motion along the top wall of her vagina and her G spot.
 At the same time, find the rhythm with your tongue on her clitoris. You might even pull the hood back using the other hand.
 If you get the rhythm and pressure right with both G spot and clitoris, she will rocket into a high altitude orgasm orbit that will blow her mind.
 Enjoy these tips responsibly, play safe, and be nice to girls always.

To learn more about the female orgasm, check out this episode: Episode #101 Susan Crain Bakos Interview

Editor's note: Want the female perspective on the female orgasm? Check this out over yonder!

#nerdsunite

The Best #PickupLine: This one may, or may not surprise you!

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Jordan Harbinger

Men frequently ask me, “What’s the best pickup line?”

This question usually is an indicator of three issues:

The first is the man’s basic insecurity about interacting with women. He is probably somewhat shy or anxious in most social interactions and brings this same social anxiety to his approach to women.

The second issue is a lack of understanding of women and what turns them on. Most men see women as mysterious and difficult to understand. Therefore they believe there is some “right” or “best” technique to get a woman’s attention.

The third issue is a belief in “magic” or fantasy.  Over the next few weeks, I’ll spend some time blogging about all three of these issues: overcoming social anxiety and shyness, understanding women (they are really pretty simple creatures – honest), and getting out of your fantasy world and into reality. Stay tuned.

In the mean time, what’s the best pickup line?
“Hello.”
Or, “Hi, I’m Robert.”
Or, “How’s your day going?”

I know that’s killing you. I know you want something really clever and witty. I know you want something that will work like magic to open a door you perceive to be tightly closed.  But these are the best openers.

I’ll tell you why.

Briefly, women are “Security Seeking Creatures” (I’ll expand more on this in the near future. But trust me, it is true). Because of their need to feel emotionally and physically secure, they are biologically programmed to be attracted to men with confidence, power, or perceived social status. It is the way they are, they can’t help it.

Granted, most guys lack confidence when it comes to approaching women, but that’s something we’ll get to as well. Think about this for a moment, if you are anxious and you approach a woman or group of women with a line, opener, neg, or a boa wrapped around your neck, they’ll see right through you (unless they are drunk and/or not very evolved). All they will see is your anxiety and “techniques”.

Because women are finely tuned to read these kinds of things (remember, their sense of security depends on effectively interpreting these signals), your anxiety will leak out and do nothing to make them feel secure.  On the other hand, if you have learned to calm your anxiety and have practiced approaching and talking to people everywhere you go (the basis of all social skill training), then a simple, confident introduction is all it takes to gain entry to a woman’s presence.

Here’s an example. I was recently in a hot nightclub called “Barcelona” in Scottsdale, AZ . Two women came over and stood near me. I asked them, “What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard tonight?”One of them laughed and said, “That one.” I smiled back and asked, “What’s the best one?” The other woman replied, “You don’t need a pick up line, just say “hi’.” We proceeded to have a great conversation.
So here’s the golden rule of pickup: Women will respond better to a sincere guy who has confidence than an anxious guy with a great opener.

#nerdsunite

To learn more about how to meet and attract women, check out the toolbox over at the Pick Up Podcast!