<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
DDUUUDEESSSSSS!!! Just got back home from hanging out all afternoon on set of G4's Attack of the Show with @maniacalmorgan ... and ooohhhh my gatos, do I have a serious scoop for you.
You ready?
You really ready??
Dudes, the people at AOTS are the nicest on the planet. No, for reals - I'm not even playing nice in saying that. They were ABSURDLY kind! At one point, I was expecting to be tucked in with a blanket followed by a glass of milk and a naptime story. AH-MAZING!
They all just have so much fun, and clearly all enjoy working together. Was incredible to watch and be a fly on the wall. Er, a wolf on the wall as I was rocking my Spirithood. HAHAHAAHAHAHA look at this shadow ...
I thought Batman was standing behind me for a hot second. MMMMM Batman boner. That I have to see before I die.
Kevin and Candace were cracking me up before the show. Something about Japan, a hotel, a midget, a comedian with a fetish for home repair that was in love with Sarah. Not quite sure to be honest ... I think there might have been a troll in there somewhere too - haha, not kidding! HIGH-LARIOUS!
It's a closed set, there literally is no audience. Anytime you hear cheering on set, it's the staff.
Look!
Totally not kidding.
Chris Jericho was on today's show. I heard the producers say he was very literally one of the nicest guests they have ever had.
Here he is walking onto set ...
SUPPPPERRRRRRRR nice guy! Like seriously, I feel like I'm drinking too much, G4 kool-aid - there's just nothing bad you can say about any of these people. BAH! We got to talk to Chris after the show, and he was so cordial and not at all what one would think from a WWE wrestler, turned rockstar, turned NY Times best selling author. Total trip!
And of course, today being Tuesday - Chris Gore was there.
He is such a wackadoodle noodle! Totally spunky, super energetic, all around genuinely one of the nicest people on the planet. He's a BIG fan of spirithoods, and was all about this weird coagulated goo that you put on your iphone connector when it frays. For the life of me I can't remember, you can't buy it here in the states, but it's like $9 and ships from London. Sugaros or something ... I'll have to tweet him. He literally thought this was the second coming, his excitement was more contagious than herpes on a one toothed hooker.
And here's Ms. Sarah Jean Underwood.
Totally a reunion of sorts since I met her back in 2007 at the Playboy Mansion!
Small world.
And oh yeah how did all of this go down?
Because of twitter!
I started tweeting with @bernardosays once I noticed him following me. (Dude, I read eevveerrrryyyyyy bio, and click evverryyyy blog!) Said what was up, checked out his blog - he had some funny shiznat posted. Then we became Facebook besties through a mutual love of nutella, and THEN he invited me to the G4 holiday party. DUDE! We got stuck in an elevator too! HAHA! He is totally on my zombie apocalypse list!
Rad dude. I love me some Bernardo. He came to my birthday party as well, and I was so schloshed mcgoshed he simply put my present in my spirithood.
BEST. HANGOVER. EVER!!
Super super super grateful for today! Thanks so much @aots! You all are literally the nicest people on the planet. I just ... yeah ... wow ... life = made.
(I feel like this one was a given, but mom and dad if you're reading - please stop. thanks! love you!)
Among my many groups of friends, I am always the sex-pert. Everyone asks me everything about sex, and all the finny ninny goings ons. I don't consider myself a seasoned expert, but I am absurdly curious, and have most likely googled a lot of obscure shit, AND I'm freakishly candid so I have no problem telling peeps what I found. That being said, one of the things that I just have to shed light upon is the female orgasm. From my guy friends, to my girlfriends there are DEFINITELY some serious misconceptions.
I can have an orgasm through intercourse, which only about 30% of women can. Not being special, just being awesome - I can pinpoint the fact that it came from emotional maturity and a general comfort within myself through and through.
I lost my virginity at 16 (I was about to move to NYC and for some god awful reason thought that people would be able to "smell" that I was a virgin, and I would end up doing something stupid. So I totally just boned my prom date, and then didn't have sex again until I was almost 19 because he was just so damn big, I was like ummmmmm no. PAINFUL!), but I didn't experience my first orgasm from sex until I was 24.
I've masturbated since my early teens, so I always knew that at least for me, I could have an orgasm. Yay! Crazy to think that people can't even experience that ... but hey, man - it happens.
I remember the day incredibly well ... I was dating the mentalist at the time, and I was just head over heels, yay life this is it for me kinda kooky crazy. I felt unbelievably comfortable with him, because he was in fact a mind reader; I felt like I couldn't hide anything from. The freedom was liberating.
We were on the couch, and I'm assuming because I was able to control the rhythm by being on top I was in fact able to reach orgasm. It was insane ... it was intense. I knew I was getting close, my arms started to tense, and I felt this incredible rush, but it's SUCH an emotional thing for a chick to have an orgasm in front of someone, I cannot stress that ENOUGH! It was in that moment, for the first time, I felt like I really could just let go with this person and have this experience in front of him.
When you masturbate as a female, you never really know "what is right?" It's very different with women since we are physically all so different down there. And when we're having sex, we're always in our heads of how our body looks in whatever crazy sexual position you are in, what we sound like ... its super lame. Right there in that moment, I did not care and I did not think - I just felt ... BAM! It was also the perfect storm for me hormonally as well. My brain was secreting endorphins from being in love, and I was nearing my period so my body was CHARGED.
I remember right after, I felt so excited literally - haha, but also so vulnerable. This was something I had done alone in my room with the doors locked. Now someone saw that? There was definitely a moment of shame, but that was immediately taken over by this surge of power. This moment of holy shit! I can totally have an orgasm from sex! Let's do it again!!!
Studies have shown in both sexes, activity in the amygdala, which processes fear and anxiety, was reduced during an orgasm. I felt SOOOOOOO comfortable with this person, that my brain was literally for the first time, able to allow this experience to occur. Nuts.
What I wasn't prepared for, was the next stage ... the release of oxytocin. See, when a woman reaches orgasm (ESPECIALLY the first time in front of another person), a bond is created because of a chemical that is released in her brain called oxytocin.
Per psych central: In humans, oxytocin is thought to be released during hugging, touching, and orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and may be involved in the formation of trust between people and generosity.
I was screwed. Literally. HA! I was not only COMPLETELY blind by all the going ons with him and other women, my body could only respond to him sexually. When I masturbated, I thought about him (which is weird, because normally for me, there is a distinct separation between what you watch when you masturbate and the person you are in the relationship with. Fuck though, if they wanna watch some porn too, even better! But it appeases a very different desire, and I am of the strictest belief that watching porn is completely natural, and not cheating. Like at all. Even just typing that felt completely absurd.), and clearly I wasn't having sex with anyone else. I had given him this power that he was the one person that was able to make me have an orgasm. Intense.
Then when we broke up, I went through 70,000 stages of denial, and wondering wtf is going on. Again, being cheated on, or as he puts it, in a one sided open relationship is weird. Because of the chemistry that was pumping through my body I was COMPLETELY blindsided. Dude, the Easter Bunny could have been sitting behind me boning the tooth fairy, and I would have believed that more. The result was a severe severe severe sexual depression. I lost my orgasm - no joke. I quickly had rebound sex, (sans orgasm) but then was left in this weird haze of void. I couldn't masturbate because it just felt so different, and I sincerely wondered if I ever could even have an orgasm again. Worst. Time. Ever.
Flash forward about 7 months, over the summer I dated this guy for a bit and he was incredibly well endowed. Like, I'm not even kidding you, he should prolly have his own line of dildos. We had been spending a lot of time together, and I was totally falling for this dude ... but you add something like that into the equation? And GOOD LORD you have a recipe for awesome. We were in Vegas, and I remember so clear the first time that it was yep, this is happening. I honestly felt so grateful to this guy because of the fact that I was able to reach orgasm with someone else. I took my own power back!!! Orgasms from intercourse returned!!! BIG DEAL! BIG BIG DEAL!! Had less to do with him, and more to do with the way that our bodies were very compatible. Very compatible. It was great, but bless the dudes heart - he did a few things that weren't kosher in my book from a personal boundary standpoint, so alas! I ended it. Sucked, but at that point, I was just glad that I could have that experience with more than ONE PERSON in this world. That is way too much power to give to someone. But hey, you live, you learn.
Moving on a bit more ... I recently dated this guy that again, head over heels, what magical tree did you come from, and are there more of you - type thing ... and bam! Orgasm. This time though, it was different.
I've never been a fan of oral. Love giving, receiving was always pretty meh in my book. It tickled and got me really excited, but I never ever ever thought I would be able to orgasm from it - I needed more pressure. One night we didn't have a condom, so sex was a no go. I, however, was like literally feeling delirious from being so turned on; he started going down on me. I kid you not, I reached an orgasm in less than 5 minutes. He's very in tune. He didn't go down there thinking he knew what to do, he sort of explored and watched my reactions to various stimulants. Dude, so fucking hot. HAHA! I carry that visual with me every.single.day. RAWR!
So, what's the take away from all of this?
You need to have a conversation with your partner about things that turn you on. You HAVE to be in tune to each other's bodies and movements. You may think you know what works for someone, and come to find out - it doesn't. That doesn't make you a bad lover, it just means you two are going to have to vibe each other out, and even talk about what does work.
There's no shame in it - never apologize for pleasure. Articulate it!
You have to do you own homework as a female and figure out what turns you on, what revs those engines so you can then find a partner that you want to share that with. DO NOT EVER FAKE AN ORGASM!! You are denying yourself and your partner this chance to experience something great if you do.
You have to feel incredibly comfortable with your partner, as again, fear and anxiety are reduced during orgasm; but bottom line, you gotta OWN IT! Own your sexuality ... explore it, it's trial and error FOR SURE! The more repressed you are of your sexual desires the more you are denying yourself a fulfilled life. I know people have their own religious and blah blah blah whatever hang ups, I'm not talking to you people ... for everyone else, OWN IT!!!! Life is too short man, and the female orgasm is a very very very good thing to experience. Changed sex for me, COMPLETELY!!!! And people are oddly way more attracted to you because you have this allure and this unshakeable confidence.
I'm currently having a pretty rad conversation with an el nerderino on my Facebook wall, that I wanted to share with you guys and sort of elaborate on. *Cue screen shot*
I love talking about this IRL, but it makes me a bit uneasy posting on it - as people get really really really defensive. The purpose of this post is to not make fun, but rather present an alternative perspective.
K ... prerequisite covered, now let's go ...
I've posted on this a bunch of times, I come from the ideal 2 parents, still incredibly madly in love, met in grade school were each others ones onlys and everything. Literally. My parents are freaks of nature in every bit of loving way. HAHA! *waves hi mom and dad*
My parents are the exception, not the rule. That took me a really, really, really, long time to understand. I view relationships as more of a business transaction. Romantic? Fuck no, but if it "doesn't seem to make sense" - I don't do it. I don't believe in this notion of there being one perfect person in the world for me, and I am not complete until I find him. Someone, somewhere, started saying that so they could sell you things, or have you conform to an ideal way of life as a way to control or manipulate. I blame disney, but it goes way further back than that.
This is why I LOOOVVEEEEE using OKC to date - it presents people in a very matter of fact way. It's AH-MAZING! I went out on this date with a guy that I met at a bar a few weeks back, and it was meh. I wasn't feeling it. Cool dude, had fun - but knew whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find. Come to find out, he had an OKC profile, and apparently had even messaged me prior ... I tracked down his page, and saw in very black and white that we were not at all compatable. The dating metrics on OKC are OOFFFFFFFF THEE CHHARRRTSSSSS!! I have been using it for 7 months, and its been SUPER accurate as far as me being able to "hit it off" with someone. Of course, the one intangible is chemistry - and there is no equation that could account for that, clearly.
I spent my ENTIRE life desperately wanting to find this guy to "complete me." The problem was, I wasn't waiting for a ring I was waiting for a life. I had subscribed to this notion that this other person was going to make me whole, because apparently I am not organically, we are going to then have kids, a house in the burbs and sing John Mellencamp songs. It just doesn't happen. That ideal way of life was presented to you by people that were not only trying to sell you things, but manipulate you into believing you have to have this way of life to achieve a level of happiness. It's like hahahahaha, you want this happiness over here - well ya ain't gonna get it til you do this! You end up viewing life through romanticized glasses; the result of that is very painful.
We place unrealistic expecations upon people when we romanticize. Those expectations can result in serious heartbreak when the other party doesn't live up to them; and oh yeah! it also, COMPLETELY stresses out the other party and causes this overall feeling of "I just can't give you what you want."
Life is reflective, everything starts with you. I see that in a very matter of fact way working in social media all day everyday. When I'm in a great mood our numbers are through the roof, when I'm not - I'll get a few bits of hate here and there. Trips me out, but that's my constant. I believe its the same though for relationships. I dated a series of not so nice guys, because I was not so nice to myself. Now, good lord, I have gone out with some of the raddest dudes on the planet ... what changed? ME! Big time!
I started attracting some seriously amazing guys because I changed my own frequency level by putting down the romanticized glasses. I stopped belieiving in this happily ever after, and started viewing things in the moment, and thanks to OKC in a very matter of fact way.
Now, instead of imagining a prince, I look for all the qualifications of what would make a good partner. I don't want a guy who finds my glass slipper, or can wake me from a beauty sleep ... I'd rather have someone who kicks my ass, challenges and inspires me intellectually and emotionally. Where's that story? Sounds like a pretty rad fairy tale to me!
I say this to my girlfriends all the time - STOP WAITING FOR A PRINCE CHARMING! I just cannot stress this enough. I don't need a man to complete me, all I needed was a website. Yes, I have physical needs, duh, but fortunately because I did some internal work, (life is reflective), I seem to keep a pretty steady stream of potential mates.
I don't have all the answers in life, clearly, but this was a BIG hurdle that I had to overcome. I still catch myself from time to time romanticizing (like I did with the boy that took me out on a date and we ended up in Santa Barbara), but I recognize those were endorphins talking. I've posted how sad I feel because I placed expectations on him. Dude, so not cool. He's a rad guy, and where ever in the future that goes, it will go. I can't focus on the future, because again, that means I'm picking up the romanticized glasses; that is a direct route to pain in my world. I can however, logically assess a situation in a very matter of fact way and recognize that it is not a good time. What am I doing about it? I have another OKC date tonight. It's not a matter of not wanting to place all of my "eggs in one basket" - and more of fact that life is meant to be lived, and enjoyed. Anyone that tells you anything different is just trying to sell you something.
What: You’re about to approach a woman and suddenly you’re overcome with a creepy, paralyzing feeling.
Emotion: The feeling is a blend of irrational fear, disappointment, and frustration. Often there’s a little anger in there too.
Inner Monologue: You believe that if you approach her, she’ll KNOW you’re interested in her even before you open your mouth, because you approached. And after you open your mouth and try to start a conversation she’ll be CERTAIN that you’re interested in her, because you’re trying to start something up with her. THEN the worst will happen: your cover will be blown. She’ll know you’re interested in her and probably think you just approached her because you want to have sex with her, just like all the other guys.
Are you a closet heterosexual?
Believe it or not, your inner monologue has some very useful elements in it, so let’s break it down, keep the good stuff, and remove all the crap that keeps you holed up in your studio apartment eating spaghetti with chopsticks surfing the internet for porn.
Let’s throw it in reverse. The last thing you felt was “She’ll know you’re interested in her and probably think you just approached her because you want to have sex with her, like all the other guys.”
Well, you wouldn’t be considering approaching her unless you wanted to have sex with her, would you? This is actually a good thing. The fact that you saw a woman you wanted to have sex with and you decided to approach her to find out if those relations would be a possibility is exactly what you should be doing. A sex drive is built into every healthy man and woman and is nothing to be ashamed of. Without it, the human race would die off. There are many ways that this fog of fear, shame, and embarrassment associated with your sex drive might have been created. One possible explanation is that it happened early in life, before you had the proper reasoning skills to understand that NEEDS are NORMAL.
A long time ago, when you were very small and your life was centered on your needs (primarily your needs for love, company, and food), you probably felt a moment of inevitable disappointment. It happens to all of us. It might have been because you did not receive a feeding exactly when you needed it, or you might have been left alone to sleep when you didn’t want to. At some point, your immature brain drew conclusions that have stuck with you to this day. Your undeveloped sense of reason made you believe that the discomfort caused by not having your needs met was CAUSED by the fact that you HAVE needs. You might then have drawn the conclusion that needs are bad because they can lead to discomfort. You then decided that the best thing to do is NOT TO HAVE NEEDS AT ALL, or at least not to show them, and not to act on them.
How can you tell if you made these connections between NEEDS and BAD early in life? Pay attention next time you catch yourself thinking “I don’t need a woman” or “I don’t need anyone” or “I don’t want her to KNOW I’m interested.” We all have needs and wants. Some of those needs are sexual, and that’s okay.
So how do you come out of the closet?
1. Don’t try to hide or stop having sexual NEEDS. 2. Transform your NEEDS into WANTS. A baby has needs. A man has WANTS. And when a man wants something, he goes out and gets it.
If there’s some part of your wants you don’t know how to get, congratulations. You’ve already taken the first step by reading this post.
After receiving that, I emailed the duderino back asking if he could elaborate. That I couldn't imagine a 3 year old wanting to go to the Playboy Mansion, since I don't even think he'd know what that is. Here's his response:
I get it. They're honestly just grieving parents. Strip club? And a night club too? They don't want to miss out on fulfilling their duties as parents by potentially hindering this child from being able to live a full and happy life, when cancer has already taken over.
I get it.
Guys, I really feel for your pain, I really do ... but spend time with your son. He's not going to know either way, and it doesn't make you any less loving of parents by not being able to get him to these places. A strip club, night club, and the Playboy Mansion are just not appropriate for a 3 year old. Like, period end of sentence. It's not even a moral issue or anything weird, haha me and morals? Oh lordy, I have none.
Spend time with him, guys. I tweeted @playboy, and since they follow me, I know they at least saw the post - but that's the best I can do. I can't in good conscious facilitate something that feels so uncomfortable for me. I'm sorry. I will say a prayer for you and your family, and wish for there to be some healing.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011 at 6:30PM
