#IAmEnough - My steps toward self-acceptance

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I am enough.  That’s a huge huge thing to accept.  And that right there is the basis of sooo many of my fears.  Let’s recap: failing, not being accepted, looking like a wimp, being judged, disappointing, Brian dying, losing a child, being a waste of a person, being poor forever.  Yeah, not feeling like I am enough covers 7 out of 9 of those.  

After really diving into my fear of failing, I realized that being inadequate and being judged for it is totally what my inner most fear is.  Not being enough makes me want to hide in a closet with a bag of skittles and a pan of lasagna, and never leave.  It’s a day to day thing, and I hate hate hate fucking hate having it.  But just because you know a fear is stupid doesn’t mean it is easy to dispel.  I have scratched a fear of failing off of the list.  Looking at it from a different perspective makes me realize that I am okay with failure.  I really am okay with it, and have made peace with the fact that failure happens.  It is only a failure if I consider it a failure.  Failing will only happen if I stop growing, stop learning and stop putting myself out there.

I also want to give myself a major thumbs up for taking on this craziness.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  Growing, exploring myself, and being wide open to everything isn’t a problem for me...but learning that everything you have ever known, everything that you have ever felt, everything thing that you are isn’t real, isn’t important and isn’t solid *SUCKS*.  It will be nice once I am on the other side, and some surrender will be good...but getting there is a total ass rape in a jar and is incredibly incredibly scary.  

We have all been taught forever and ever that vulnerability is a bad thing.  I feel like I am open and without walls in general, but that if I was vulnerable I was weak.  And who wants to be weak?  Not this badass bitch!  No, but seriously, I am going to start looking at vulnerability as a way to expand my awesomeness.  It will allow me to let people in on a deeper level, and hopefully share pieces of me in a more understandable and relatable way.  And it’s going to suck nards until I get some balance and acceptance.  *sigh*

What if I let go and there isn’t a net under me?  What if I open up and someone pokes my softest spot?  How do I move on when I share the core of me and it isn’t good enough?  But I am enough.  So I don’t need your feedback.  I don’t need your acceptance.  I certainly don’t need you to analyze my fears.  That is my undertaking, and one that needs to be done.  My confidence in all of this will come, I just ask for patience.

#IAmEnough

Follow my transformation on Twitter and Facebook - and feel free to send me your stories, I would love to hear about your journey! 

Fear #1: Fear of #Failure

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Atychiphobia - Fear of Failure

My confidence in myself as a person is pretty high.  I’m awesome and blah blah blah.  But I’m so incredibly scared of failing.  I don’t worry about my marriage failing.  That is solid, and if it does it was just not meant to happen.  My fear of looking stupid is masking itself as this assumption that I am going to fail at everything.  I’m not stupid.  I’m not.  $40,000 in student loans got racked up to validate that I’m not stupid.  But every time I don’t succeed at something I just know everyone is looking at me like I’m an idiot.  It was dumb to start the business.  The idea for the business was stupid.  I didn’t try hard enough.  I’m not as good.  I’m not good enough.  

Thinking about it now, failing in front of my husbands parents is the thing I worry about the most.  Probably because they play the comparison game.  I should be more like my brother-in-law, or my sister-in-law...Jon started a business and is doing so great...Mandy went back to school and is doing so great....meh.  Doesn’t matter that circumstances are different, it’s just a constant be better, make more money, don’t ruin Brian’s life.  

I started two businesses before my photography.  Each were successful-ish, just not great businesses for making money.  They took took took and didn’t give much back.  So I quit.  That’s so embarrassing, I quit at something because it just wasn’t working.  I failed.  I’m not even comfortable talking about them because I feel so stupid for trying them in the first place.  One was a custom invitation company, and the other was all natural dog treats.  Both did well, but the profit margin wasn’t enough to sustain.

I know to live is to fail.  Whatever.  To fail is to look stupid.  And I’M NOT STUPID.  When Jen told me I wasn’t hitting the mark with lifecasting, it made me sooo mad!  I was pissed, and so embarrassed.  Here is someone that knows how to do it, that I am trying hard for, and it just isn’t good enough.  I am taking time away from my job and my family to lifecast, and it’s not good enough.  That makes me feel like my life isn’t good enough.  I am failing at life if I am failing at lifecasting.  What is the point in doing it if I am just going to suck it up.  I don’t want people to see me as not smart, or not good enough, or as a whiner or whatever...because maybe it will mean that I actually am those things.  I don’t want to look stupid because in my mind that means I am stupid.  I have tried hard my whole life to prove my father wrong.  That I’m not stupid, I’m good enough, I have something to offer the world...so if I fail, then he is right.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough for anyone.  Why waste the time of the TNTML community and family if I’m not good enough.  Why waste the time of my clients if I’m not good enough.  I’m stealing from people by taking their money for photography because I’m not good enough.

I can’t fail.  I can’t.  I can’t face anyone for not being good enough.  The negative people will have won and will have been right - I am an idiot.  I am a waste of space and breath, and time.  So I suppose this fear of failing is less about failing and more about being inadequate and looking stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint.  I don’t want to disappoint Jen, who took a risk by asking me to lifecast with her.  This is her brand and her name, I don’t want to be the fuckup that couldn’t cut it.  I don’t want to make her look stupid.  I don’t want to disappoint my husband who has supported me and let me sink so much money into my businesses.  I don’t want to disappoint myself and find out that I’m not as awesome as I claim to be.  To live is to fail....it’s the aftermath that scares me.

I would love to hear your thoughts on my fears. Tweet me: @JenSquard

Facebook me: @jenswedhinphotography

email me: mangotreelover@hotmail.com

#ProjectThreeSixFive: Day 19

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I went to dinner with my ladyfriends a couple of nights ago, and when we saw the wine list we had to try a bottle of Mad Housewife.  Totally totally fitting.  And it was good!  It was a sweet red, not too dry...good stuff.  I'm not much of a wino, but I enjoyed it. And the cork is so badass!

Find my recent work on my website and my blog!

#NaughtyMommy Happenings - I'm tired of being around kids

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I don't know what the deal is, but this week I am just over it.  I am tired of being a stay-home mom.  I'm not even just a stay at home mom, I'm a mom that works from home.  But damn, I never get a break.  Work doesn't actually get done until the hubbard comes home.  I spend my entire day just playing referee to these monkeys - get off the back of the couch, quit being a tattle tail, don't hit, go to your room, pick up your toys, stop yelling....it gets so incredibly frustrating.  I love my kids, and I love being a mom, but I think I would love it so much more if I could get a little bit of time to myself. 

I feel like such a shithead mom saying stuff like that, too.  It breaks me down and I feel terrible, but it is what it is.  Having three kids under four, all the time is hardcore.  It's not because I am responsible for them, or that they are needy, it's that it's All.The.Time.  Man, all the effing time.  It's constant, and I still have to work.  This isn't the job that I had planned for my life, I wasn't one of the girls that wanted to stay home with her kids since she was young.  I wanted to work.  I still want to work.  I would LOVE to work.  But daycare would cost more per day than I could make, and I would have to quit the job that I have now.  So it is what it is.  Having kids is the hardest and most rewarding job there is.  Some days it is just more hard work than rewards.

What do you think about it? Twitter: @JenSquard

#Twitter - I'm starting to be a big deal. Just sayin.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

I'm newish to Twitter, still kinda getting the hang of it, and building an amazing follow base. Today I got these back to back:

Does that mean I'm getting it right?  hahahaha!

You follow me?  I follow you back! @JenSquard