#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard
According to Anika, Daddy is a dinosaur, Mommy is a dragon, brother is a king, sister is a elephant and Anika princess.
And her tummy hurts because there are too many snacks and boogers in there.
@JenSquard | tagged Anika, according to anika, jen squard, jen swedhin, jen's children, nerdy nuggets | 
Fears 3 and 4 are similar, so I’m going to lump those together. My fear of looking like a wimp, and my fear of judgement. I wasn’t treated great by my dad, especially after the age of 11 or 12. I’m pretty sure he wanted boys, so he did his best to raise my sister and I like boys. He would say things like never start a fight, but you better finish it. Or why do you complain so much? He encouraged my sister and I to fist fight, and we weren’t allowed to have pain, sickness or needs.
When I was in high school I developed a severe case of bursitis in my shoulder from playing volleyball and the violin. It was incredibly painful, and there wasn’t much that could be done for it. So I just wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I remember walking through Kmart with him one day, and I walked behind him the entire time because tears of pain were streaming down my face, and I knew if he saw he would publicly humiliate me. Pain, weakness and needs were very much looked down on. Weak people don’t succeed, and whining about things only makes the people around you suffer. To this day I rarely complain about pain, and I never cry about it. Honestly, I had a terrible birth experience, surgery on my naughty bits, and two c-sections. I try to just suck it up and move on. I am still not okay with looking weak. I have survived a lot, and my life has always been difficult - I am tough as hell, and want people to see that. I now understand that being vulnerable is not the same as being weak. I’m okay with vulnerability. Weakness, not so much.
All of these things with my dad also compound me not wanting to be judged. The older I get the more I’m okay with it. I’m getting better at owning myself, and being okay with my weirdness, my choices and my faults. That will be a lifelong battle, as it is for everyone. What I really have a hard time with is judgements over things that aren’t a choice. I can’t stand racism, even though as a white woman it doesn’t so much affect me. Race is not a choice. Neither is sexual orientation, so don’t judge. Being trashy is a choice, so if I’m being a trashwhore, judge away. But if I’m choosing not to eat spicy food because it eats holes in my mouth, that’s not really a choice. Don’t judge me for it. Or do...but understand that I am going to fight back with a massive amount of ferocity.
My choices are my choices, and I made them with the best intentions. Agree or disagree, I don’t care either way. Just know that while I love input, my choices are still my choices. And unless they are affecting your life, you don’t really get to be bothered by them, do you? I suppose I don’t fear being judged, I just hate it. Really hate it. It makes me mad mad mad.
How do you feel about it? I would love your opinion on this one.
Twitter.com/jensquard
Facebook.com/jenswedhinphotography
mangotreelover@hotmail.com
@JenSquard | tagged don't judge, facing fears, jen squard, jen swedhin, life caster, lifecasting, wimp | 
No relevance - I just thought it was pretty.Being called out earlier in the week was sucky. It embarrassed me, and hurt my feelings. I did, and still do, feel like I was doing a great job with my posts. They are diverse and incredibly honest, and I am holding nothing back. I don’t get raw to the point of tears with every post, but not every post requires something like that. When I am sharing something meaningful and emotional, I explore my emotions, and share them fully.
I am glad that @JenFriel called me out. If she hadn’t asked me to look at my fears, I wouldn’t have realized that all of my insecurities come from one place. Acknowledging that place has made me aware that I am good enough, and while it will continue to be a struggle, I am able to address why I am feeling insecure and whatnot.
But here’s the thing, Jen...I’m going to turn it back on you. Your favorite thing to point out to people is that life is reflective. You felt like I was in a rut, and needed to shake myself out of it. What do you see in you that is making you feel that way? No one can be all awesomesauce and yaylife all the time. It is obvious that you love what you do and are living a dream, but there is something you aren’t sharing. We are missing something. Break the surface, break yourself back down, and let us back in. You still have insecurities in there somewhere, you still have real feelings other than excitement. I want to hear them!
I got my photo of the day done super early today! Now I can spend my evening doing a whole lot of nothing - yay team! This is just a silly technique that isn't incredibly useful, but fun nonetheless. Isn't Brian effing adorable? I think so too!
Find my recent work on my site or on my photoblog!
Earlier today my husband and I were doing, um, husband and wife things. The awesome kind that makes you cry afterwards. Before you start getting weird, the door was locked and the kids were watching a movie.
Anyways, we hear the door handle jiggle, and yelled the standard "Go watch your movie, please". A couple of minutes later Tucker, our two-year-old, starts crying. We get a knock on the door this time. "Go watch your movie, please!" This time we hear Anika, the 3 1/2-year-old, "But Mommy, Tucker pooped." "I'll change his diaper in just a minute, go watch your movie."
"But Mommy, Tucker pooped on his sheet!"
Ugh. Kids are so gross. Brian is a knight in shining armor and told me to just stay there and relax and he would go clean it up. Listening to their conversations are soooo funny. "Where is it?" "On his sheet. I cleaned it up." Yikes, Anika decided to pick up the poop herself. "Where did you put it?" Here is the best part:
"I picked it up with toiwet paper and put it in the toiwet, Daddy." And she actually did! She is officially my new favorite person ever....hahahahahaha!
Find more silly stories from a cooped up mom on Twitter: @JenSquard
