<editorsnote>Hi, I'm Jen Friel, and we here at TNTML examine the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. We have over 75 peeps that write about their life in real time. (Real nerds, real time, real deal.) Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the stories!!</editorsnote>
I'm currently having a pretty rad conversation with an el nerderino on my Facebook wall, that I wanted to share with you guys and sort of elaborate on. *Cue screen shot*
I love talking about this IRL, but it makes me a bit uneasy posting on it - as people get really really really defensive. The purpose of this post is to not make fun, but rather present an alternative perspective.
K ... prerequisite covered, now let's go ...
I've posted on this a bunch of times, I come from the ideal 2 parents, still incredibly madly in love, met in grade school were each others ones onlys and everything. Literally. My parents are freaks of nature in every bit of loving way. HAHA! *waves hi mom and dad*
My parents are the exception, not the rule. That took me a really, really, really, long time to understand. I view relationships as more of a business transaction. Romantic? Fuck no, but if it "doesn't seem to make sense" - I don't do it. I don't believe in this notion of there being one perfect person in the world for me, and I am not complete until I find him. Someone, somewhere, started saying that so they could sell you things, or have you conform to an ideal way of life as a way to control or manipulate. I blame disney, but it goes way further back than that.
This is why I LOOOVVEEEEE using OKC to date - it presents people in a very matter of fact way. It's AH-MAZING! I went out on this date with a guy that I met at a bar a few weeks back, and it was meh. I wasn't feeling it. Cool dude, had fun - but knew whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find. Come to find out, he had an OKC profile, and apparently had even messaged me prior ... I tracked down his page, and saw in very black and white that we were not at all compatable. The dating metrics on OKC are OOFFFFFFFF THEE CHHARRRTSSSSS!! I have been using it for 7 months, and its been SUPER accurate as far as me being able to "hit it off" with someone. Of course, the one intangible is chemistry - and there is no equation that could account for that, clearly.
I spent my ENTIRE life desperately wanting to find this guy to "complete me." The problem was, I wasn't waiting for a ring I was waiting for a life. I had subscribed to this notion that this other person was going to make me whole, because apparently I am not organically, we are going to then have kids, a house in the burbs and sing John Mellencamp songs. It just doesn't happen. That ideal way of life was presented to you by people that were not only trying to sell you things, but manipulate you into believing you have to have this way of life to achieve a level of happiness. It's like hahahahaha, you want this happiness over here - well ya ain't gonna get it til you do this! You end up viewing life through romanticized glasses; the result of that is very painful.
We place unrealistic expecations upon people when we romanticize. Those expectations can result in serious heartbreak when the other party doesn't live up to them; and oh yeah! it also, COMPLETELY stresses out the other party and causes this overall feeling of "I just can't give you what you want."
Life is reflective, everything starts with you. I see that in a very matter of fact way working in social media all day everyday. When I'm in a great mood our numbers are through the roof, when I'm not - I'll get a few bits of hate here and there. Trips me out, but that's my constant. I believe its the same though for relationships. I dated a series of not so nice guys, because I was not so nice to myself. Now, good lord, I have gone out with some of the raddest dudes on the planet ... what changed? ME! Big time!
I started attracting some seriously amazing guys because I changed my own frequency level by putting down the romanticized glasses. I stopped belieiving in this happily ever after, and started viewing things in the moment, and thanks to OKC in a very matter of fact way.
Now, instead of imagining a prince, I look for all the qualifications of what would make a good partner. I don't want a guy who finds my glass slipper, or can wake me from a beauty sleep ... I'd rather have someone who kicks my ass, challenges and inspires me intellectually and emotionally. Where's that story? Sounds like a pretty rad fairy tale to me!
I say this to my girlfriends all the time - STOP WAITING FOR A PRINCE CHARMING! I just cannot stress this enough. I don't need a man to complete me, all I needed was a website. Yes, I have physical needs, duh, but fortunately because I did some internal work, (life is reflective), I seem to keep a pretty steady stream of potential mates.
I don't have all the answers in life, clearly, but this was a BIG hurdle that I had to overcome. I still catch myself from time to time romanticizing (like I did with the boy that took me out on a date and we ended up in Santa Barbara), but I recognize those were endorphins talking. I've posted how sad I feel because I placed expectations on him. Dude, so not cool. He's a rad guy, and where ever in the future that goes, it will go. I can't focus on the future, because again, that means I'm picking up the romanticized glasses; that is a direct route to pain in my world. I can however, logically assess a situation in a very matter of fact way and recognize that it is not a good time. What am I doing about it? I have another OKC date tonight. It's not a matter of not wanting to place all of my "eggs in one basket" - and more of fact that life is meant to be lived, and enjoyed. Anyone that tells you anything different is just trying to sell you something.
oh boy oh boy oh boy. literally. oh boy. I'm kind of in a funk today. Not like funk, funk - but I am feeling personally conflicted.
So, I've talked about this a whole bunch on the site lately that I have a super crush on this boy. He's rad, we talk all the time ... which is WEIRD for me, because I don't ever want to talk to someone every day. Literally, I am totally the opposite of the chick that harasses dudes all the time. I require a shit ton of space when I'm doing anything with a dude ... with him though, I just want it. All the time. It's tragic and totally puppy dog. I'm a pitbull, not a fucking puppy. Well actually, I think I'd be more like a German Shepard. I really like German Shepards. Sweet, but pack a nice punch. I digress ...
I really like this boy, but I just feel like anyone coming out of anything with someone is a red flag. Like that's a big red flag. This dude is my friend, so above me just wanting to like be all up on it - I really want to advise him to kinda get his head together. He's a smart dude, seemingly has his shit together, from what I've been exposed to - I just feel like I'm kinda taking advantage of someone in a vulnerable state. Again, dude, they've totally been on and off for a really long time ... I get that, but love is not something you just bounce back from. The opposite, you have to let it play out and evolve naturally.
I don't know if this is a fear based response on my part by not wanting to get hurt, or me just being phenomenally logical in an otherwise relatively weird scenario. We talked about all of this yesterday, and I told him that I wasn't going anywhere - and I very literally meant that. This dude is the shit; I feel like though at the same time as me saying that it could put even more pressure on him. I want him to take his own time for him, not because he knows there is someone waiting, because that is weird and feels entirely counterproductive. Right?
I don't want to go out on more OKC dates, but I feel like I should. Dude, I couldn't kiss another guy right now ... that would just be blah, I want his lips ... no one elses, but I feel like that's not okay. Like at all. In any sort of healthy anything there needs to be balance. I wish I could balance my heart.
I am so fucking loyal it feels like a defect sometimes.
I am crazy passionate. crazy crazy crazy passionate. If I like you, I LIKKKKKEEEE you. I never find dudes that I LIKKKKKEEEEE which is why I know he's special, and there's something different going on.
A big part of me wants to tell him to go away for the next few weeks, and find his own legs to stand on. But then is that enough? It seems so arbitrary. Then at the same time, I'm already started to feel attached in a certain regard, so I really don't want to have to do that. I like our little IM sessions. I even gave him a super secret IM name - total bat line. Loves it! At what point does my responsibility as a friend to someone take over the part of me that wants to just jump his bones and make a go of it?
I really really really need to take this one slow. Super slow. Like crazy stupid slow. We're both in big time agreement on that. Above all, I just want this dude to be okay. I would never ever ever want to hurt any of my friends, or place myself in a situation where I could be hurt. I'm very protective of this little heart of mine. Afterall, a broken heart was a big part of what started this entire community, and the most epic life changing decisions ever. This sucks ass either way, because no matter what I am still not getting anything that I want out of this scenario, but at least I'll know I did the right thing. Any suggestions?
First off, great email. I can tell he actually read my profile, and this wasn't some generic mass email.
*Brownie points*
Hello, next level!
So, I clicked his profile. And then this came up ...
HOLY FUCKING SHIT you are hot. Seriously ... mama wants to tap that. HARD! Wow ... wow ... wow.
Good lord, the things I would do to you ... stop it, Jen. Stop it! Examination for the purpose of education. But I can't help it that the specimen is so fucking HOT! Goodness ... wow, hose me down.
K ... feeling better. Kinda.
In all seriousness though, this guy has a kickin profile and is doing all the right things when it comes to having an online dating profile.
First off, his pictures tell the story of who he is ... 1 part adventure seeker (as is evident from the boating picture), 1 part goofball (see below).
Awesome. I can dig. His profile is well written, without being preachy or flat out boring.
This guy just "is" ... he doesn't have to try ... that comes across LOUD AND CLEAR! We're not THAT compatible (82% match, 81% friend), but dude ... I gotta see whatever this is in person. HAHA! I'm such a horndog - RAWWRRRRRR!!!
No joke, great profile! Pics tell a story, clear consise profile without being too over the top or underwhelming. Great job, el duderino!
Want some more tips on what you can do to enhance your OKC profile? Click here!
I don't really know how to describe how awesomely weird my weekend was.
I present to you ... my best attempt:
Started off on Friday. I got invited to this event with a Laker, limo, and champagne ... as if that wasn't enough, the active ingredient was adventure, so you know me - I'm game. The meet up destination was in Santa Monica, I'm in Hollywood ... my car's not registered right now ... (thank you LAPD with your parking tickets. I do adore you ... I really really do. MWAHHH) so ... I had to take a bus.
Was on the bus for about a half hour, before this total creepy mcgee rockin a 1992 House of Pain World Tour jacket came up to me. Mind you, I'm rockin a dress, a cardigan, spirithood, kickin sunglasses and vans. I didn't exactly fit in, you could tell I was going some place rad. He sits down next to me, almost cornering me if you will - and just goes to town on questions.
Him: Who are you, you look familiar - where do I know you from. You look like a character, you look like someone I should know. Are you in the biz?
Me: What biz would you be referring to?
Him: The music biz. I'm a record producer. I know I may not look like one because I am riding a bus, but this is a first for me. My car just broke down. I live behind the Chateau Marmont, I'm going to the Grammys next week. I'm a real music producer you know. I have insurance.
He then proceeded to take out his Anthem Blue Cross health insurance card.
Yep, I shit you not ... he showed me his insurance card.
He talked a mile a minute, clearly a lifelong coke head, but had reached a point in addiction where it was manageable to a certain degree that he didn't grow wings and start to fly away. Or at least if he had wings, he was very good at hiding them.
He talked and talked and talked ... in fact he talked so much, he made me miss my bus stop.
I'm kind of a go with the flow person, so I just shrugged it off and said, my ass has gotta do some walking now I guess! Nice to meet ya 1992 House of Pain World Tour duderino.
He then grabbed my phone. Big mistake. Don't fuck with my phone. Ever.
I cracked a smile, thinking oh you old dinosaur, you wouldn't even know how to use it. He then turned and said, how do I use one of these things?
He handed the phone back to me, and started shouting out his number, and said he wanted to meet up next week at the Grammys. He's not nominated this year, like he is most years. Incredible, since of course, I was able to tell him that I am in the music business.
Got off the bus, and called my friend - who was going to take us to the limo. Yep, I was going somewhere in a limo with free champagne, to meet a Laker.
Got in the limo ... and OMMMGGGGGGG I was so excited! The interior matched my SHOES!! Totally unplanned, and totally awesome.
*nerdy happy dance*
RADDDDDDD!!!!
It's the little things in life, and odd moments of coordination are enough to send any nerd over the edge, *sigh*
We finally arrived at our destination in Orange County, and it was this weird e-commerce internetting thing. It's sort of like affiliate marketing, but a total pyramid scheme. Like no joke. It works for my friend, because she's a hustler, but no disrespect - 95% of people will be taken by this thing. They make you pay like $300 to start up, and $99 a month ... but the woman who ran the presentation was on WAAAAYYYYY too much adderall. Girlfriend was sellin, and no one was buying. It was super creepy too, she'd ask questions like - who doesn't want to climb up the corporate ladder? Who wants more free time? And the only people that would respond were people in their own organization.
I thought, OMG they're totally trying to get me sucked into this weird affiliate marketing cult.
The psychological conditioning these people were doing was LITERALLY out of this world. Prolly from Uranus or something, the people there are a bit freaky. HAHA! Dude, I've never prayed so hard for super powers; I wanted so badly to melt into the floor Alex Mack style and go right out the door.
At one point, she goes, and we've recently updated the stores ... yeah, we've changed around CODE!
*insert dramatic buzz word hand signs*
That's like saying, and then we spoke at this thing and we used ENGLISHHH!! Crazy bitch, shut the fuck up about shit you know nothing about! Oh and when she tried saying, and we can help you with THE twitter, and THE facebook, I was 2.5 seconds away from throwing down. Don't fuck with my shit, bitch. Take those words OUUTTT of your mouth, spank you very much! You are the problem, not part of the solution when it comes to ignorance in social media education. ::frowny face::
I instead opted to put on headphones and drift away to my happy place.
Then AC Green from the Lakers started saying something, but I wasn't listening.
His mouth was moving, but all I heard was Q- Feel Dancing in Heaven.
Happy place Jen ... Happy place.
When all was said and done, I snuck back into the limo. I just wanted out out out of there. One of the owners of the company, asked if he knew me from somewhere - that I looked familiar ... I have one of those faces, I replied. There was no way in HELL I was going to admit to ANYONE on the interwebz that I was there. OMG OMG OMG OMFGGGGG no.
Then, I got dropped off back in Hollywood, where I had a hot OkCupid date. Literally. Dude, he's a super cutey patootie pants. A writer, a bit loco, but in the fun way. We met up at the Piano Bar, and had a really good time. Cool dude, but we're different people. I'd love to be friends with him, and kick it with him anytime - boat loads of fun, no joke - but there wasn't chemistry. I just wasn't feeling it. That is the ONEEE variable online dating metrics cannot account for. You either have chemistry, or you don't. I can very literally get along with anyone, and people tell me their life story within 10 minutes of hanging out - but it's not very often I can go toe to toe. To date someone, I need to be able to go toe to toe.
Then, came Saturday. The day that would change ... well, my weekend.
Lemme back step a few first. So, I always look at my visitors to my OKC profile to understand how I am falling in their search. See, I have TNTML all over that thing, it's great! I get a lot of traffic, but it's only as good as how visible my profile is. I do a bit of dating profile optimization to understand their algorithm and figure out how to manipulate it to be seen as often as possible. Sneaky? Sure! But hey, it works! I can tell by how many visitors I've had on any given night how effectively things are working. The other night, it was a slow night - I only had 4 hits. But one of them caught my eye, this dude was crazy stupid hot. Totally my type. Clicked his profile, and looked and we had 94% match, 94% friend, 1% enemy. I've been doing this all day everyday for 7 months, I have NEVER EVER EVER ranked that high with ANYONE! It said he was online, so I messaged him:
It was a total OKC fail, because apparently, he wasn't online. BOOO!!!
The next morning, however, he popped online and messaged me back. He said something along the lines of, what did you think of the email I sent? I was like what email?? I then went to my TNTML mail addy ... had nothing. Obviously had nothing on OKC ... I was all, whatchoo talkin' bout Willis?
He was floored. He said, you messaged me without reading my email? Again, I was all ... umm yeah - hello you're hot, and we're crazy compatible, I want to have nerdy babies with you ... or at least a lot of hot sex to start.
Flirtatious banter went back and forth for about an hour, then his email arrived in my inbox:
I'm not even kidding you, a tear formed in my eye somewhere. That was the sweetest, most heartfelt email I have EVVEERRRR received. Not even just on OKC, that was the sweetest thing anyone, anywhere, has ever said to me.
We swapped digits, and arranged for an afternoon date. After having read the site, he recognized my liking weird and random dates - so he suggested ice skating.
Fucking Brilliant.
Dude - ice skating dates are awesome as long as you, the duderino, know how to ice skate. I held onto that mofo for DEAR LIFE! I'm not a very touchy feely person when I'm getting to know a dude. I analyze a lot about him first before I'll ever go in for a touch. This was just instant - I AM HOLDING ON TO YOU FOR DEAR LIFE! I haven't been ice skating since I was 12, at Veterans Skating Rink in West Hartford, CT (WEHA REPRESENTTINNNN!!) It was a total trip, and thanks to him, I didn't even fall once. Massive brownie points, and incredibly smooth.
After about an hour, my ankles were straight up KILLING me, as I'm not used to using those muscles ... so we got back in the car, and he had to get gas.
After filling up, he pops back in the car and turns to me and says, this car is a hybrid. I get about 400 miles on each tank - this one is now full. We are going for a drive. Is that cool?
Adventure?? Is that you calling? Hello? Dude, you're totally breaking up ...
YESSS!! I exclaimed. FUCK YES!!!
... And we're off ...
I'm now in a car with a guy I met 3 hours ago, going up the PCH to a destination unknown, and I really don't care.
The sun started to set, and OMMMMMGGGGGGGGG it was beautiful. SERIOUSLY!
My dad taught me to enjoy sunsets (as is evident from this video I did for him) ... so its this thing that I have. I make a conscious effort to watch the sun set everyday. This dude had no idea- it was AAHHH-MAAAZINNNNGGGGG!!!
We drove and drove and drove ... and decided to settle on driving to Santa Barbara. He had never been, and it was the perfect, not too far, not too close place for us to kick it. It screams, hey we're spontaneous without us requiring a passport or a boat load of coffee. Then, I remembered having driven to Santa Barbara so many times before, that it gets pretty desolate for a while. Fearing we were near that point, I popped on YELP, and searched for the closest place to stop to grab some grub.
I'm from Connecticut ... me and seafood go together like mashed potatoes and tobasco sauce. YUMMM!!!!!
I had the grilled fish tacos, super super SUPER delicious!! That place was SOOO GOOD, and is apparently a staple. Who knew! I was just enjoying the company.
He is so fucking hot, and has no idea. There is really nothing that turns me on more. Commercial beauty in any capacity is just a waste. Commercially attractive people tend to rely on just their looks to get by. It's all about how you rock what you've got. He's got a whole lot goin on, and he rocks it all so so well. I'm not even kidding, I wanted to take him right then and there ... rawwrrrrr!! Patience Jen, patience.
60 hormone calming minutes down later, we were back on the highway. I then asked if I could play this song that's been stuck in my head all day. I was honestly testing more of his reaction to my eclectic, on permanent shuffle, taste in music.
I hooked my iPod up to his AUX cable and played this ...
and he started JAMMING!!! (check) passed test.
We share a mutual love for Phil Collins, so this was up next:
Followed by another personal favorite, which was PERFECT considering what we were doing:
He jammed to all three, and ate it up. Even remembering that there was an Alanis cover of this song as well that he enjoyed. Where the fuck did you come from, kept bouncing around in my brain. I am a huge huge huge huge huge music lover. If you get my music, you get me. It's pretty much a nice one two punch. Dude, he got it.
We drove for a bit talking about life, love, and our adventures prior to our current one. Smart kid, he's 25 - which is weird because you'd SWEAR he was 35 by the way he talks about life. He even at one point said there really are no negative experiences, it is all about how we interpret the situation.
If I had a chair to fall out of, I would have fallen out of it. Amazing. He gets it.
We were then nearing our destination, so I popped back on YELP to find a hotel where we could crash for the night and have some hot nookie. I handed him back the iPhone, and he found one that was reasonably priced, and had very good reviews. He called. They had 1 room left, their master suite, but because the front desk was closing in 30 minutes, she was able to give us the room for about 70% off. I thought it was some weird joke at first, because *pffftt* who does that happen to, and hotels are KNOWN for doing weird things like that when you call. But we arrived, and oh no - she was very right. We had the master suite.
It had a fireplace ...
and a kitchen ...
and a BED!! I got to sleep in a BED!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!
We settled in, which was really just an opportunity to grab a quick brush of the teeth from the fishy eating ... and then headed out to scope out the night life on State Street.
It didn't have a FourSquare checkin, but no worries citizens of Santa Barbara ... I am a super user, so I can create venues. SCORE!
Two Blue moons later, we popped back on over to the hotel for some nook nook. This guy scares the bejesus out of me. 25% of me wanted to continuously bone him morning noon and night, and eventually just take up shop in our hotel master suite ... the other 75% was scared. Really scared. Really really scared. I have a big heart, but I don't give it out easily; I have intimacy problems that I am working on addressing. I don't just "date" people, unless I can go toe to toe and have nothing but radical honesty. I can go toe to toe with him. FOR SURE!! That scares me. It's easier to just casually date a bajillion dudes from OKC, its harder to allow yourself to be caught.
Everything with him was so effortless, he gave me the BEST FIRST DATE EVER without even trying. We both stayed totally in the moment, and went with the flow. That was EXACTLY what I posted on the other day, I wanted to find someone that did something based upon inspired thought, not a Hallmark commercial.
THAT'S EVEN MORE NUTS!! HE DIDN'T PLAN A THING!!!!! IT WAS ALLL INSPIRED THOUGHT!!!!!
After lots of hot nookie by the fireplace, and many many many other places ... we fell asleep. He woke me up this morning to the sound of Sussudio playing on his iphone, which I had been telling him about the night before. AMERICAN PSYCHO! EPIC!
We then searched for a place to have breakfast on the beach, as I had expressed just how AMAZINGLY beautiful Santa Barbara's beaches are ... unfortunately, the reviews for the one breakfast place on the beach was super super super lame-o, so we decided to hit up Silver Greens instead. One that was VERY highly rated. SUPPPERRRR yummy breakfast place, but one of those cafeteria type style things. Similar to Tender Greens in LA (are they a chain?) ... the cashier asked if it was for here or to go. To Go, he said. I looked a bit perplexed thinking, hmm guess we're going back to the room, no complaints! He turned and said, let's take it to the beach! Fucking brilliant.
We then drove to the beach ... and this is where we had breakfast ...
Amazing, right? This guy not only just gave me the BEST DATE EVER, it was hands down the most romantic gesture I have ever seen in my entire life. You couldn't make this up; the OKC metrics don't lie, man!!!
Now I'm back in Hollywood. About to go do this interview thing ... and I'm scared.
Like really scared. Like really really really scared. I don't date people, it's this reflex that I have after having my heart broken so badly. Fortunately, I very rarely meet dudes that I want to date, so its this wonderful thing of - HAHAHAAHAHAHA guys are lame, so nah ne nah ne, if I can't find someone, I can't get hurt again. This guy is the great white buffalo. He's different, and if I let him pass by it would be based on fear. I'm never one to stay in a place of fear for long. He's just so passionate about what he does, and he's SO GOOD at it too! I know because I google stalked him before the date, as we were ranked SO high that I thought he might have created the profile based upon how he thought I would answer vs. who he actually is. Oh no, that is him. He is awesome.
What to do ... what to do ... I got caught off guard, and I hate it when that happens. I have no choice but to just go with whatever this is. No expectations, just going to let things be. Thank you internet for being so wonderfully random. Who knew having a website, and a profile on OKC would have given me the GREATEST date of my LIFE!
But I gotta say, there is ONNNEEEE "bug." You have a discolored pixel which is SUPER SUPER SUPER obvious when there is no banner ad above the profile view. It's been up there for months, can't believe no one else caught it yet. Upper left hand corner ... RIGHT where the banner ad hits. Of course right now, I am getting nothing but ads. But go look for yourself, you can't miss it.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011 at 2:47PM
This is why I LOOOVVEEEEE using OKC to date - it presents people in a very matter of fact way. It's AH-MAZING! I went out on this date with a guy that I met at a bar a few weeks back, and it was meh. I wasn't feeling it. Cool dude, had fun - but knew whatever I was looking for, I wasn't going to find. Come to find out, he had an OKC profile, and apparently had even messaged me prior ... I tracked down his page, and saw in very black and white that we were not at all compatable. The dating metrics on OKC are OOFFFFFFFF THEE CHHARRRTSSSSS!! I have been using it for 7 months, and its been SUPER accurate as far as me being able to "hit it off" with someone. Of course, the one intangible is chemistry - and there is no equation that could account for that, clearly.
