#TipsForDudes: Masturbation

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Aaah, the sticky subject of masturbation (yeah, I had to go there).  But for reals, it really is a touchy subject, right?  It's so universally taboo that we have TONS of names for it: whacking off, choking the chicken, tickling the pickle, spanking the monkey, beating the meat, wanking it, double clicking your own mouse...I even dated a guy that called it rubbing one out.  Ew.  Masturbation seems so...organic.  But it is soooooo soo so different for men and women. 

Men masturbate.  It's just what they do.  Their sexness is all physical and up in their face and can make them sick (not to mention beyotchy!) if they don't take care of business. 

Women are kinda split on the subject.  Some do it, some don't.  But some women are totally cool with their sexuality while some...not so much.

But here's the thing about the gender crossover thingy - masturbation for the other sex is hard to understand.  As ladyfaces don't really get why men feel the need to do it so often.  And men don't understand why we don't do it more.  Or why we get pissed when they do it.  Following all this, friends?

Here's my take on it.  I think that women tend to feel super insecure about every singe part of everything anyways, so throw something like a man needing extra stimulation just comes across as a huge ego blow.  It makes women feel inadequate, like our sexing isn't quite enough.  Or maybe they are imagining someone else's naughty parts while they do it.  It's a whole tangled web of insecurities.  Some ladies want to know every time it happens.  Some don't want to know about it at all, like it doesn't exist.  And some are just okay with it, and get that it's just part of being a dood.  I look at it a little differently - I'm just super curious about it. 

I honestly don't masturbate.  People always think I'm lying about that, but I don't.  I own toys, but the hubs is the master of those things.  Don't get me wrong, I have.  Like twice.  I'm not into it at all, and it just didn't do anything for me, like at all.  It's a mental thing, not a phsyical thing, so, yeah, not my thing.  And why in the world would I ever do anything for myself that I have never ever had a problem getting someone else to do for me?  Anyways, I am curious about the manbraindingle (Sarah Palin can make up words, so can I), so I always want to talk to him about it.  I want to know when he does it just so I can pick his brain and look at all the facts surrounding why and when and where and factors leading up to it.  And he doesn't mind telling me, because there is usually a big chance that I'll crash the party - give some material, help, or take over completely. 

So doods, don't lie about it.  It happens.  But also try not to make it more frequent than showers.  No one wants a weiner addict, and whether you are single or coupled, you aren't doing anyone any favors by sensitizing yourself.  I'll lay it out for you nerds:

frequent masturbation = brevity. 

brevity + sex = fail. 

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#Nerd by another name - perfect video on parallel nerds.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

This video is so spot on - I have been called a nerd for years, and it is often meant as a criticism from people that are far nerdier than me, just about different things.  I get a nerd boner for animals and nature, some get it for technology, some for comics, and some for much "cooler" things.  I found this video through my brother-in-law who is a MAJOR nerd (I constantly have to remind him that he will start debates at the dinner table about the Lord of the Rings).  He doens't quite own his nerdiness, yet, and always defends himself with "I'm an engineer, play fantasy football and drive a brand new Camaro."  What does that say to me? Physics nerd, stats nerd, and car nerd.  Triple threat guy!  I hope this video helps him accept the inevitable.

Send me some nerdy loving on Twitter: @JenSquard

#Benchwarmers = Best.Nerd.Movie.Ever.

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

At Gold's Gym, where I go to get my swell on, they have a thing called Cardio Cinema.  It's this big dark room with a huge screen just like a movie theater, except it is full of cardio equipment.  Oh man, it's flippin brilliant.  You go in there, and watch a movie.  I love that it is dark so no one can see my bumbling buns, and the movie screen is so big that you really don't get bored.  Totally badass.  And guess what movie they were playing today?  The best nerd movie ever!  BENCHWARMERS! 

Love that movie!  Favorite part:

"And he did that without steroids!"  "What are steroids?"  "They are things that make your peepee small."  "Oh, there must be steroids in macaroni!"

The nerdiest of nerds - Jon Heder, Nick Swardson, David Spade, Rob Schneider, John Lovitz, and directed by my lover, Adam Sandler.  The end, the best. Ever.

#KThxBye

I'm on Twitter - and I love to hear from my peeps! @JenSquard

#NaughtyMommy Happenings - Poison Control

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

So...I'm lifecasting.  Like for reals, it's happening.  And since my kids are basically the biggest part of my life (I literally just had to stop typing to go get the baby's legs unstuck from the crib, change a diaper, put a toddler down for a nap, get a book dropped on my foot, remind the preschooler to go potty before she pees on the floor and make a juice cup) I am going to start documenting my adventures with them.  Let me take a big drink of my rich chocolatey Ovaltine and we'll get started.

I have some really frickin funny kids.  Anika is crazy smart (she's 3 1/2), Tucker is big, quiet and funny (he is almost 2), and Cadence is all smiles all the time (she is 5 months).  I work from home so I am with them ALL THE GODDAMN TIME...basically I am considered a stay-at-home mom that works.  Luckily I am a damn good mom because they are really well behaved most of the time, and we don't have too many problems. 

That being said, they are still kids.  They destroy things in the blink of an eye.  I can't watch them every second of every day (I could try but we would all be completely insane after about 3 days), so sometimes it gets a little wild up in here.  Todays adventure: poison control.

This is my fourth time calling poison control (oh my god, right?), and luckily each time it has been a really mild thing that didn't affect them at all.  The first time Anika drank massage oil when she was 1.  Then she ate an old benedryl at 1 1/2.  Then she gobbled down some of my grandpa's potassium pills at 2 (she fought me for more even, what a freak).  This time is was Tucker.  Oh, Tucker, so dumb. 

We used to have hermit crabs, like forever ago.  For some dumbass reason we still have the concentrate that you use to make their drinking water safe for them.  Anika found it somewhere in the house today (I honestly have NO idea where it came from, I thought it had been thrown away), and I didn't think anything of it.  She put it down and I continued getting them ready for their day.  I heard Tucker yell "MINE" (not a big surprise since apparently everything in the entire state belongs to him), and when I looked at him he was coveting this little bottle of hermit crab water treatment.  I took it from him...and it was empty with the lid unscrewed.  Shit.  See, I'm one of those mom's that thinks their kid is completely incapable of doing something until they do it.  I didn't know he could open it, he's not even 2.  Dumb mom.  So I look at the label and of course it says not safe for humans, keep out of reach of children.  Like in BIG letters.  I checked out the ingredients and they look mostly harmless (I'm not just guessing, I am a trained scientist) except the magnesium chloride.  Not a good one. 

Meh.  Poison control people are soooo super nice, they really are.  It was in a low enough concentration that I just gave him milk and he was fine.  What a tard we both are.  I guess if he is going to drink potentially poisonous things on a regular basis it is a good thing that he is way bigger than he should be.  Aaaah, a day in my exciting life.  Try not to be too jealous.

Hear about more adventures on Twitter or Facebook!  And check out my album of asshole things my kids do to me!

#SustainableRoots and the changes they cause

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's @JenSquard

Back in 2004 I got an opportunity to travel to Ecuador with a group of people from my college to do some biological learnings and explorings.  I wanted to be a field biologist or researcher of some sort, so I jumped right on it.  I talked a friend of mine, Toni, into going with me, and we started about the incredibly hard job of raising money for ourselves.  It was going to be way expensive, because instead of staying for 17 days like everyone else, we decided to stay for the entire summer.  We each thought about waiting until the following summer instead of killing ourselves during the school year to raise the money, but we decided that if we waited, that money would disappear and it would never happen.  We worked crazy hard, begged, sold our stuff, and finally got the money we needed.  We did it as a team and kept each other motivated. 

Once we finally got there, it was all soooooo worth it!  The entire country is magical.  We started in the lowland jungles, took a crazy boat ride on a huge river, saw monkeys swinging from the trees, swung from vines ourself, and made ourselves sick from drinking too much delicious fruit juice.  From there we went back to the big city of Quito and did some salsa dancing and took in the culture.  We headed up into the Andes and went through a blizzard, then landed in a cloud forest.  This is a forest that is so high up on the mountain that it literally is sitting in the clouds.  From there we headed to my favorite place, Otavalo - a giant mountain market town.  The people there are indigenous and gorgeous.  And you can buy ANYTHING - some of the most beautiful art I have ever seen is right there on the street for a few bucks. We spent the remainder of the summer doing research on caterpillars and parasitoids in Cosanga, a tiny little town in the Andes (actually we were way up the hill at YanaYacu, but closest to Cosanga).  We would head down into town whenever we needed a good meal, and would then eat so much that we couldn't walk home (I'm sure the giant Pilsners didn't help). 

I found the people of Ecuador to be absolutely fascinating.  They were kind and intelligent, and in much need of a change.  There is political turmoil there off and on, and deforestation and the destruction of flora and fauna for profit is a major problem.  Tourists will buy framed sets of pinned butterflies, so they will catch and kill tons of them, which means bye bye butterfly species forever.  Its devastating to watch, but without funding and education, nothing will ever change.

I cried and cried when I left.  I went back the next year, but just as a vacation.  I haven't been back in the last five years, and I still cry everytime I think about it.  I miss it so very much, and am looking forward to the day that I can relocate my entire family there.  The magic of a place like Ecuador sinks into your soul and never lets go. 

Getting back on track, though, Toni has been able to go back every year since we left.  Not long ago she changed her perspective from that of a biologist to that of a anthropologist's.  She started her own non-profit organization and has headed down there again to teach English (which is the only way these kids can get ahead in life), build gardens, and teach the community about reforestations and sustainable agriculture.  The goal is that make them a self-sustaining group of people, so that cutting down trees for pasture is no longer a huge necessity.  She is doing amazing work, and raised a nice chunk of money before she left by having concerts, raffles and art auctions (my donated prints even sold!). 

I am so incredibly proud of her and the work she is doing.  I wish I could be there with her, but I know that if I hadn't gone with her the first time, it may not have ever happened.  It's the small things, I suppose.  Check otu her blog, her facebook page, and website.  It would not only mean a lot to me, but to the beautiful people of Ecuador. 

http://sustainablemobile.tumblr.com/

Here they are on Facebook

www.sustainable-roots.org

Twitter.com/rootsmobile